Boys Club: How Far Would You Go?

by Ema Bancroft

  "Come on, Elijah, tell them," Raul wheezed, joining the choir.

  "Okay, okay..." I raised a hand. "Well, let's have a baby..."?

  Daisy smiled. "... and a girl..."?

  "And another..." I stopped dramatically. " You tell him, baby"?

  Daisy laughed. "Well, the third baby is a..." Suddenly, she crouched forward, grabbing her stomach. "Shit!"

  "Daisy? Are you all right?"

  She stepped away from the camera, whispering quietly behind her hand. I heard Mabel screaming,"What? "from off-camera."

  "Daisy? What's going on? " The crowd was silent, and I noticed absent-mindedly that the floor manager waved his hand and spoke quickly with the handset. I was hoping they would go to commercials, but I was worried that they would cut off the satellite signal before I could get some answers. "Daisy? I repeated, almost frantic and trying to look calm.

  I think I failed.

  "Elijah? she said through the clenched teeth, squeezing her belly. "I think you'd better go to the hospital."

  "What?"

  "It's time! " She stretched again, growling in pain.

  "But it's too soon!"

  "Babies don't seem to care! " She groaned as Mabel stepped on the screen, wrapping an arm around her back and telling Daisy quietly to just breathe.

  "Are you sure? " I asked, panicked, my heart pounding my chest.

  Daisy looked at the camera, whistling between her teeth.

  "Yes, I'm sure! My water broke all over the damn bed!"

  The crowd shrieked with a unanimous gasp, and I ran a trembling hand through my hair. "Okay,"I muttered. "All right."

  "Elijah?

  "All right,"I said, walking. "All right."

  "Elijah? Daisy leaned forward, and it looked as if she was grabbing the camera, screaming. "Get a hold of yourself and go to the hospital! Now! " She dropped the camera. "Now turn that thing off! " she cried, and the food died.

  "Okay,"I said again, glancing frantically at the kids who looked at me with the same panicky look.

  "I... uh..." I said on the microphone. "I have to go."

  Then I ran up the steps of the stage, down the aisle and out of the theater, as fast as my legs carried me, the crowd cheering me to the end.

  Daisy

  "I can't believe this is happening,"Mabel muttered, circling around the camera crew to throw some clothes in a bag. The crew moved with enthusiasm, but he didn't seem to be doing anything. "Can you give us a little space, please? " Mabel shouted, before taking a deep breath.

  "You,"she said to the sound guy, stuffing the bag in his chest. "Take this to my car. It's the red one in the driveway. The keys are in the bag on the dining room table. She turned to the camera man, stepping on Porky, who had decided to stretch out on the floor of my room. "You. Get this out of here, please. I need room to maneuver the pregnant woman.

  "Hey! " I shouted reproach myself, more than a little insulted. It wasn't that big.

  I saw myself glimpsing in the mirror. Okay, maybe he was.

  "No offense, honey,"Mabel said with a forgiving smile before turning to another crew member. I wasn't sure what she did, but she had a clipboard and headphones. "You. " Mabel was all business again. "The doctor's number is in the refrigerator. Call him, call Cedars and tell them we're on our way."

  "Maybe I'm wrong,"I once told her we were alone. "Maybe I'm not in labor. " Another contraction hit me and I bent over, my vision blurred for a second.

  "Yes,"said Mabel, coming to help me get up. "I'm pretty sure you're not wrong."

  "But... but..." I stammered as she helped me put on dry clothes. "It could be false labor."

  "False labor doesn't explain why you're breaking water."

  "Um..." I thought a lot, grabbing straws. "Maybe I just wet the bed?"

  "Eeeewwww! " She wrinkled her nose. "Daisy, I hate to tell you, but you're gonna have these babies."

  "But I'm not ready! " I screamed, pulling her while I was trying to crawl out the door. "I haven't put the children's locks in the toilets yet!"

  Mabel looked at me like I grew a second head. "Do you have bathroom locks?"

  I nodded frantically. "Yeah... yeah, so babies don't fall down and drown, you know?"

  "How will a newborn baby get up in the bathroom? They can't even crawl.

  "You don't know,"I said obstinately. "Maybe my babies are - I don't know - talented or something."

  "That's a little creepy,"she admitted after a while. "Now you've got me picturing all your twisted babies crawling around the toilets."

  I sniffed, I was offended. "Mabel, my babies aren't creepy."

  I've heard that babies are born with heads full of hair and teeth,"she said. "Can you imagine?"

  It hurt like hell. "That doesn't help."

  "And I saw a movie where a baby came out and started talking,"she added. "Granted, he was possessed by the devil, but still..."

  "Ummm..." I tore myself apart. Mabel was starting to scare me, but on the other hand, this was working. Mabel was distracted and almost forgot to take me out of the house. I wouldn't have to give birth today after all.

  Mental punch.

  Then I was hit with another contraction - the strongest hitherto - and almost fell to my knees in pain.

  "Okay, then,"Mabel said, helping me lift and pull my arm over her shoulder to bear my significant weight. "Let's go before your gifted children leave the womb and start reciting Shakespeare or something."

  E. C.

  When I came out of the sand, I stopped, not knowing what to do next.

  "We need a limo,"Raul said, breathing heavily beside me.

  "What are you doing? " I asked.

  Ethan smiled. "Dude, you didn't think we'd let you leave us behind, did you? I want to meet my godson.

  "Your godson? " Roland pushed him. "I think you mean my godson."

  "Now wait a second,"Raul intervened. "I think I'd be a better best man. I mean, I have some experience.

  "You have a pig,"Roland said.

  "Guys..." I interrupted. They ignored me. Typical.

  "What the hell have you got against Bacon? " Raul stared.

  "I love bacon,"Ethan said. "Do you think we have time to stop at Denny's? I'm starving."

  "We're not stopping at Denny's,"I said, approaching the nearest limo. The driver stood leaning against the door, turning through a magazine.

  "Sorry,"I said. He looked up, blinking for a second before a huge smile spread across his face.

  "Heeeyyyyy..." he said, the coarse word with a New York accent. "It's 5Point! How's it going?"

  "Good, man…good. Look. "I bowed. "My wife is in labor and I need to go to the hospital. Can you help us?"

  "Daisy? He said, eyes wide open. "Is Daisy having babies? Isn't it too soon?"

  I blinked. "Uh…yeah. A little".

  "Don't worry,"he said sagaciously. "It's not unexpected with multiple births. Everything will be all right.

  I was wondering how I ended up getting medical advice from a limo driver. "Okay…so, uh…. Do you think you could...?"I gestured towards the limo."

  "Say no more, my friend,"he said, tucking the magazine under his arm and opening the car door. "I'll take you there."

  I greeted the boys, who rushed and were still arguing about who should be the best man.

  "I'm just saying,"Raul said as we climbed into the back of the limo. "That I'm clearly the most responsible."

  "I have most of the kids,"Ethan said, shrugging his shoulders. "And believe me, they're nothing like pigs. Well, except for the diapers. And constant food. And the screeching. Okay, they're a bit like pigs,"he admitted.

  "What's a godfather doing anyway? " Roland asked.

  The driver - Tyrone - turned on the pipe. "If something happens to the parents, it is the sponsor's responsibility to raise the child in the ways of the Church."

  The silence was deafening.

  "Maybe Raul would be better,"Ethan offered him after a long while, pulling out his phone to check his e-mails.


  "Me? " Raul said, surprised. "I got a pig!"

  I shook my head. "You guys suck."

  Daisy

  Oh. My. Damn you. God.

  All those women who say they want a natural birth? They're out of their minds.

  I want the drugs.

  I need the drugs.

  "I need the drugs, Mabel,"I said for the hundredth time. "I really need the drugs."

  "I know, Daisy,"she answered quietly, helping me get in the car. "But all I have is aspirin, so I think we'd better wait until you get to the hospital. " She opened the back door and Porky came in.

  "You're taking the pig to the hospital? " I asked, breathing deeply through another contraction.

  "Well, I can't leave him here alone,"Mabel said as she fastened her seat belt. "He'd freak out on his own. And who knows what he would do with all Elijah's shoes?"

  I stared at her for a moment. "You're a very strange person, Mabel,"I said.

  She smiled sunny, but said nothing.

  My phone rang with a message from Elijah.

  I'm on my way. Are you all right?

  I breathed through another contraction.

  Yeah. I'm fine. I'm leaving the house right now. Did you find a ride to the hospital?

  I stole a limo. Expect a high-speed police chase to leave at any time.

  By the way, Ethan says to order the drugs first thing in the morning. If you wait too long, they won't give it to you.

  My heart stopped thinking. That would be....

  I couldn't think of a word. It was unimaginable. I shook my head, determined not to let such a horrible thing happen.

  "We have to hurry, Mabel,"I said, sending telepathic orders to my children to avoid crowning at all costs, or to help me, I would put naked baby pictures on the cover of People magazine.

  "I'm on it,"said Mabel, biting her lip and accelerating the engine. I went back to my phone.

  Hang on a second. All Ethan's children are adopted. How does he know?

  He saw that documentary about Lady Gaga's pregnancy.

  Perfect.

  She ended up having to give birth naturally.

  Damn, that woman can curse.

  So it doesn't help.

  Oh, I'm so sorry.

  You're not gonna let them keep the drugs from me, are you?

  Of course you don't.

  Because I've been carrying three humans in my body for eight months. I think I deserve the drugs.

  Of course I'm right.

  Even though it was a text, I could sense he was following my lead.

  You better not be following my lead.

  I wouldn't dream of that.

  We left our long driveway and Mabel stepped on the accelerator, the car turning a little bit before going down the highway at full speed. I grabbed the door handle, grimacing slightly.

  "Maybe we should have called an ambulance,"I said.

  Mabel shook her head, her eyes narrowed on the windy road ahead as she changed gears. "We'll be there before an ambulance can get to the house."

  I took it while she was taking a corner, the wheels screaming. "But at least we'd be in one piece."

  Mabel laughed. "Relax, Daisy. I am an excellent driver.

  Porky sneezed, then farted.

  I broke the window and closed my eyes, contemplating the irony that I was a rock star, without any access to decent drugs.

  E. C.

  "The ten are a disaster,"Tyrone said, playing with his radio. "There are constructions everywhere and you have to get down to a lane. We'll have to go through the city.

  "And 101? " Raul asked.

  "Well, they shut it down because of the protest."

  "Protest"? I looked at my phone, looking for a traffic report.

  "In Universal,"Tyrone explained. "Well, it was supposed to be in Universal, and then the pipe broke, so they're moving it to Grauman's."

  "Why the hell would anyone protest against Grauman?"

  "They don't protest against Grauman. They're protesting against Universal. They had to move it to Grauman's because of the broken pipe.

  "Okay, so why would anyone want to protest Universal? " I was getting a headache.

  "It's the redheads,"he replied.

  "Gingers? " I noticed from the corner of my eye that the other kids were now watching our conversation as a tennis match. As one, their heads turned to Tyrone.

  "Yes,"he continued. "They're upset about the new movie coming out. Better dead than red?"

  "Isn't it about communism?"

  He shrugged. "I don't know. All I know is that redheads are in arms for it. Say he paints them in bad light. Anyway, they turned it into a protest march on the Hollywood freeway. The police had to turn it off so that no one would get hurt.

  "Shit."

  "Yeah. I guess they thought I'd make a statement. You know, more than 20,000 people marching in the theater.

  "That's a lot of redheads."

  "Well, to be fair, it's not all redheads. They also have friends and family. You know, ginger support."

  "Of course."

  "And I don't know if that's what counts unnatural."

  "unnatural"?

  "You know, Miss Redhead Clairol?"

  "Uh. Huh,"I finally said, wondering how my life had come to this. "I guess just get me there as fast as you can, okay? Please?"

  "No problem, sir. Lynch."

  Daisy

  Avoid 101. Turn off the disconnect/disconnect breakage/protest contact from the main water pipe.

  I blinked, trying to understand.

  Is someone protesting a water supply outage?

  A long story. Fucking redheads. Take Mulholland instead.

  Gingers? What's wrong with redheads? Do you realize you're one of those

  B, I'm not a redhead. My hair is obviously bronze.

  Bronze? Who ever heard of bronze hair?

  It's a color. It's a color.

  I know it's a color. It's not a hair color. Is your hair red... and brown... ish...?

  Like I said. Bronze.

  MPawero2834;…anfwaasw234HER

  Sorry. Contraction.

  Just breathe, sweetheart. I'm on my way. I'm coming.

  Mabel made a pretty terrifying U-turn, and we drove down Mulholland at full speed towards Beverly Hills, the landscape blinking in blinding blur. Porky crashed in the back seat and I looked back, just to see a flicker of red and blue through the back window?

  "Crap! "I muttered. " It's the police, Mabel"?

  She looked at me fiercely, almost manic. "Should I try to run faster than they do?" "she asked.

  "What?"

  "Because I think I can handle them,"she said, her fingers moving in the gearshift.

  I came over to grab her hand and talk to her. "Mabel, this isn't Thelma and Louise. I think we should stop. The police will understand.

  Mabel stared at me, staring blankly, her face dropping. "Are you sure?"

  "Ummm…yeah."

  She pulled to one side of the road, climbing out the window as a police officer approached.

  "My friend is having a baby! " she released. "Babies, actually. Three of them. She blames her husband's supersperm, but the triplets run in her family, so I guess technically, it's her fault.

  "Mabel! " I hissed.

  "I'm sorry,"she whispered. "The police make me nervous."

  "License and registration,"said the policeman. "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?"

  " Ummm..." said Mabel?

  Gimmy, breathing through another contraction. The policeman bowed, looking out the window.

  "Holy shit! " exclaimed. "Is that Daisy Caldwell?"

  "That's what I'm saying! " Mabel said with a glow. "She's having babies!"

  "Now? " he asked. "All of them?"

  I broke down. "Yes, all of them. And I'll have them in this car without any drugs if we don't get to the hospital.

  The cop blinked for a moment, and then he went into his pocket. "Do you think I could get an autograph for my sist
er? She's your biggest fan."

  Porky farted. We all shuddered.

  "What the hell,"I muttered as the contraction eased. I scribbled my name on the piece of paper he took out, and he smiled, putting it in his pocket.

  "All right, then,"he said, all business. "Where are you headed?"

  "Cedars-Sinai,"answered Mabel. "Can you help us?"

  The policeman smiled. "Just try to keep up."

  Mabel was absurdly cheerful as she followed the police car, lights and sirens burning. I think I could have heard her laughing as we dodged between the cars once we had finally reached the busiest streets of the city. Before I knew it, we stopped in front of the emergency entrance at Cedars and were greeted by two nurses in wheelchairs.

  "Mrs. Caldwell, this way,"said one of them, helping me out of the car. They looked at Mabel, then Porky.

  "You can't take that to the hospital."

  Mabel dazzled. "Porky's a he, not a that. And he's a service animal. " She put a leash around his neck. Porky lifted a leg to scratch his stomach.

  The nurse's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "What kind of service?"

  Mabel shot me with a pleading look. I moaned aloud. "Please,"I said pitifully. "Can we go in now? " The nurses were fluttering nervously around me, and Mabel put Porky in the hospital without saying anything else.

  Say what you want. Celebrity has its privileges.

  We went to the private room that was waiting for me, and Mabel helped me put on a gown before I went to bed. Porky huddled in the corner, and the nurse checked my vital signs and started the self. V.

  "All right,"I said flatly. "Drug time."

  "I'm sorry,"said the nurse. "We'll have to wait for the doctor."

  My eyes narrowed. "Well, where is she? " I asked. "I know how this works. If we wait too long, it will be too late.

  "Oh, great,"the nurse muttered. "Another one who saw Gaga's documentary."

  "What's that? " I asked with acidity.

  "Nothing,"she said with a smile. "The doctor should be here any minute. " She left the room and I sent Elijah a message.

  At the hospital. I'm still waiting for my drugs.

  Wow. How did you get here so fast?

  Police escort. And Mabel drives like Mad Max.

  Another blow of contraction, and I breathed through it, grabbing Mabel's hand.

  The contractions are getting closer. Are you almost there?

  Trying. I'll be there soon. Don't give birth without me.