Boys Club: How Far Would You Go?

by Ema Bancroft

  These damn kids have their own minds. We're gonna have to establish the law.

  If they leave before I get there, they're fucking grounded.

  Keep them away from the toilets.

  It doesn't matter. Just hurry it up.

  The door opened and the handsomest man I'd ever seen came in. Dark gray-haired temples, with a blue tunic and a white mantle, floated like an angel, his stethoscope wrapped around his neck.

  Fuck. It was George Clooney.

  He put on a pair of latex gloves and sat on the stool at the foot of the bed.

  "Wait a second,"I protested. "Who are you?" Where's Dr. Montgomery?"

  "She's on vacation,"George said. "I'm giving birth to your baby."

  "Like hell you will!

  "I screamed, crossing my legs under the sheets. Mabel leaned over the bed.

  "What's going on? " she asked.

  "You can't deliver my babies! " I whispered in his ear.

  "I assure you, Miss. Caldwell, I've had enough experience with multiple births. Everything will be all right.

  "See? " Mabel said she was stroking my shoulder. "He has experience."

  "He looks like George Clooney,"I hissed. George pretended not to hear.

  "¿Y? " she said, shrugging her shoulders.

  "I can't have George Clooney... down there!" "I said, a little too high. "It's embarrassing!"?

  Of course, my body chose that moment to have another contraction, and George plunged between my legs, announcing,"You are six centimeters away. How about we get your epidural?"

  I could have fallen in love with George Clooney.

  E. C.

  "You gotta be kidding me," I muttered. The limo rolled to the sidewalk and Tyrone came out, turning slowly.

  "I'm sorry, Mr. Lynch. We have a flat.

  Tyrone claimed to know a shortcut to the hospital, but somehow we had ended up near Grauman's Chinese theater. The streets were filled with protesters shouting,"Hell, no! Redheads don't leave! " and carrying signs proclaiming rust or bust! And Hollywood hates Gingers! We had barely moved when a heavy blow forced us to stop.

  A flat tire. Perfect.

  We piled out of the car, all staring at the offensive tyre for a moment before we heard a loud scream.

  "Oh my God! It's 5 points!"

  Within minutes we were surrounded, the usual requests for autographs and photos screamed everywhere.

  Suddenly, a siren sounded, drawing everyone's attention to a tall, skinny redhead standing on an improvised platform at the theater entrance. He spoke through a megaphone, his voice echoing in the street.

  "I can't believe it,"he said. "It's an honor to have E. C. Lynch and 5Point joining our cause... telling Hollywood that we will no longer tolerate redhead caroling!"?

  The crowd shouted, and we found ourselves being led to the stage.

  "E. C. would you like to say a few words?"

  "Ummm..." I babbled, still a little disoriented?

  "As ginger, it must be demoralizing to see how we've been treated."

  I was dumbfounded before Raul, who shrugged in response. "Just go with the flow, buddy,"he said. "Tyrone's trying to get us a cab."

  "Well,"I finally said. "Technically, I'm not really a ginger."

  The guy stared at me, his eyes drifting to my hair.

  I gave him a hand. "I mean, it's more bronze than red... really. There's nothing wrong with the red... ummm...?"

  "Bronze"? the confused guy repeated.

  "It's a color! " I said, exasperated. As he kept staring at me, I grabbed the megaphone and turned to the crowd. "Look, I'm a big fan of redheads, really. " The demonstrators shouted, shaking their signals, and I raised a hand. "But the fact is that my wife is in labor, and I really need to get to Cedars-Sinai, just like right now. So if someone could help us, I would be very grateful.

  For a long moment, no one moved... no one spoke... nothing happened. Then, the crowd split up, a road that opened from the stage to the street?

  "Thank you, guys! " I shouted, returning the megaphone to the protest leader.

  "Make room for the cab, boys! " He shouted through the megaphone as Tyrone greeted us towards a taxi parked halfway down the sidewalk. Raul, Roland and I piled up in the back, and Ethan climbed to the driver's side.

  Tyrone smiled. "Good luck, Mr. Lynch. Take care of those babies. " He knocked on the door, and miraculously, the demonstrators stepped away from the booth path, opening a ginger-covered corridor before us. Ethan looked at me curiously from the front seat.

  "What? " I asked.

  "It's red, you know?"

  "Oh, for God's sake!"

  "I was just saying. " He shrugged his shoulders, turning back.

  My phone rang.

  George Clooney's buying me drugs.

  George Clooney? You sure you're not drinking something?

  Not yet. But he says soon. Really soon. I think I love him. Where are you? Where are you?

  A little detour. He should be here soon.

  Detour? Ethan didn't make you go to Denny's, did he?

  Resoplé.

  "All right? " Roland asked.

  I nodded my head. "Yes.

  "The taxi shook, throwing me at Raul. "Hey, can you go faster? " I asked the driver.

  He smiled with a smile in the rearview mirror. "You got it."

  Daisy

  Shit.

  Shit. Shit. Shit!

  I hissed my teeth in time with Mabel's coach and focused on a spot on the far wall.

  He wasn't helping me.

  I turned to look at the monitor, looking at the small line indicating that the contraction was coming to an end. I took a deep breath and Mabel gave me some ice chips. I crushed them hard.

  "Where the hell are my drugs? " I screamed, possibly a little louder than I thought.

  Mabel grimaced at the nurse, who simply stroked my pillow and said quietly,"The anesthesiologist will be there, honey. Keep breathing."

  "I don't want to breathe anymore,"I cried. I couldn't help it. "I want my drugs! " I grabbed Mabel's arm. "George said he'd get me drugs!"

  "I know, honey,"she said, gently stroking me. "I'll get you some more crushed ice. " She crossed the room, crouching down to pet Porky on the road, then pulling her phone out of her pocket.

  I sighed, moving to try to get a little more comfortable. What was as likely as...

  Well, it was almost impossible. Let's leave it at that.

  I felt another contraction approaching and called Mabel. She looked at me in a distracted way, putting her phone in her pocket.

  I started breathing... hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee ha...?

  Mabel seemed worried.

  "Is something wrong? I asked.

  Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee....

  she said hesitantly. "There's nothing to worry about."

  Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee....

  "Mabel... hee hee hee... just tell me... he... has..."?

  "You... hee hee hee... you don't have to worry about that..."?

  "Mabel! " He screamed as the contraction eased. "What the hell is going on?"

  She bit her lip. "Well, it looks like someone leaked your location."

  "Escape? " I repeated, chewing more ice. "How bad is it?"

  "Ummm...." She crossed over to the window, looking through the blinds down the street. " Pretty bad"?

  I groaned. "Let me see,"I said, extending my hand. She reluctantly turned in her phone... which at that time was showing a live channel from outside the hospital with the motto: Daisy's Baby Watch?

  "Shit,"I muttered, returning the phone to Mabel.

  "Don't worry, honey,"said the nurse, checking my blood pressure again. "Security is in place. Nobody's coming in here. We handle situations like this all the time.

  "Really?"

  She smiled. "Well, except for the pig, of course."

  The door opened, and a bald man with short hair came in in a white robe. Pushing his glasses up his nose, he smiled broadly at me.
>
  "Hello, Miss Caldwell,"he said. "I'm Dr. Cunningham. I'm here to give you the epidural."

  "Really? " I said we wait.

  He laughed. "Seriously. Can you turn around, please?"

  Well, that was easier said than done, but with Mabel and the nurse's help, I got it. He swabbed my back and said,"Okay... little asshole?"

  I may have laughed.

  What? I was nervous.

  "I'm sorry,"I muttered.

  "Happens all the time,"he said. I felt the needle stick. "Almost finished,"he muttered.

  And then...

  And then...

  Nothing. Well, not at all, but the constant pain of cramps dissolved into a kind of happy numbness.

  "Holy. Shit,"I said in shock. Dr. Cunningham stood up, his blue eyes blinking.

  "Better? he asked.

  "Fuck George,"I said. "I think I love you."

  He laughed. "I get that a lot. " He patted me on the shoulder. "Good luck with the babies,"he said before he left the room.

  I sighed. "I miss him already."

  Mabel laughed and threw Porky a piece of ice.

  My phone rang.

  Is everything all right?

  Everything is wonderful. The press is here, p

  Fucking great.

  That's great. EVERYTHING is great.

  You sure you're all right?

  Dr. Cunningham came. He gave me my drugs.

  I thought George Clooney was giving you drugs.

  Forget George. George is dead to me. I'm going to marry Dr. Cunningham and they have many babies without pain.

  You know you're already married, right?

  Technicalities.

  E. C.

  Finally... finally we arrived at the hospital... just to be greeted by a crowd of fans and paparazzi... and a line of satellite news vans across the street...

  "Fantastic,"I muttered.

  "Don't worry about it, E,"Raul said.

  "We'll do interference. You just got to Daisy."

  The taxi stopped to squeak in front of the emergency entrance, and a couple of security guards came out to meet us. I rushed through the doors running, looking over my shoulder to see the kids waving to the cameras. Ethan started dancing and I couldn't help laughing.

  Then I heard a scream.

  "There he is!"

  I took a walk to see a group of girls running down the aisle in 5-point shirts and carrying a variety of balloons and teddy bears.

  "Shit,"I muttered. "I really don't have time for this."

  "This way, sir. Lynch," said one of the guards, addressing me in the opposite direction. We ran down the hall... around a corner, and through an O. R. He threw me out of a corner and we crushed ourselves against the wall behind a fountain of water.

  The screech came... and closer... the Converse-clad feet pattern echoing on the linoleum floor?

  The guard grabbed my arm, pressing a finger against his lips. I nodded, holding my breath. They walked past us, and we came out of the hallway, looking around the corner before we took off where we came from. We jumped into an open elevator and the guard pressed the maternity button.

  "That was close,"he said. I hit my foot nervously when the elevator rose, and then I noticed the guard watching me closely.

  "Is everything all right? " I asked, panicked running through me. "Is Daisy okay?"

  He raised his hands. "She's fine. Everything's fine. It's just..." He hesitated only briefly. "My daughter is a big fan... do you think? "He released a Sharpie and a CD?

  "Sure,"I said, picking up the CD. I laughed surprised. "Wait a second, this is Justin Timberlake."

  The guard shrugged. "I was in a hurry. I was the only one I could find."

  I sighed, scribbling my name and returning it to him as he opened the elevator doors.

  "Thank you, E. C.! The nursing station is on the right,"he shouted as I ran out of the elevator.

  I ran down the hallway, gaining glare from more than one nurse, and finally arrived at the nursing station.

  " Please..."? I felt bad.

  "My wife. Daisy Caldwell. " I found it difficult to form complete sentences, but apparently they were used to it.

  The nurse smiled. "She's all right, Mr. Lynch,"she said as she surrounded the desk and grabbed my arm. "I'll take you to her."

  We had just started in the hallway when a door opened and a pig ran out of the room, a supernatural voice shouting:"Yes, you better run away, you fucking fart machine! "I dodged to the left to avoid it, and Mabel came out a second later."

  "Oh, thank God,"she said, grabbing my shoulders as she swung. "Come on in. I have to get Porky. " She went down the hall after the pig's screeching and sneezing.

  "What the hell...? " I turned to the nurse.

  She shrugged her shoulders like it was another day in the office and opened the door, just as that awful voice shouted,"For God's sake, pull it out! GET IT OUT!

  I walked in, wondering who was being tortured.

  That's when I realized it was Daisy.

  She looked at me frantically. "YOU! " She hissed, making a good impression of Linda Blair in the Exorcist. "This is ALL YOUR FAULT!"

  I blinked, frozen right inside the door.

  "All right,"the nurse whispered. "She doesn't mean it. She needs you."

  I swallowed, hovering towards the bed and noticing for the first time how many people were actually in the room. The nurses would move, take vital signs and prepare instruments. The doctor - who actually looked a lot like fucking George Clooney, by the way - was huddled in the corner talking to another doctor, a little Asian woman who didn't look old enough to leave high school. And in the middle of the room, Daisy lay curled up in bed - tiny and moaning, and the whole fucking belly.

  She complained.

  "That's Daisy,"said another encouraging nurse. "I'm almost done with that one. Keep breathing."

  Obediently, Daisy took a deep breath.

  The nurse looked at me. "Go ahead," she said, nodding with Daisy's clenched hand. "Take her hand."

  I reached out, got nervous and swallowed deeply, and touched Daisy's hand. She grumbled, her hand turning and grabbing mine...

  Tough.

  Then. Fucked up. Tough.

  It hurt like hell.

  "And that's all,"said the nurse, looking at the monitor. "You're doing great, Daisy."

  Daisy sighed, then looked at me, almost surprised. "Hey,"she said slowly. "You're here!"

  I looked at her with suspicion, but there was no sign of Linda Blair.

  "Yes,"I said quietly, bowing to kiss her forehead. "How are you, honey?"

  She yawned, her eyes fluttering closed. "Tired."

  "You're doing great,"I said, kissing her again. "I love you so much."

  A small smile lifted her lips. "I love you, too."

  "Daisy? I looked down to find the doctor between Daisy's legs. "We're getting closer. I'll tell you about the next contractions and let you know when it's time to push.

  Daisy nodded tired, and the monitor on the other side of the bed began beeping.

  "Here we go,"said the nurse.

  Daisy moaned.

  Her eyes widened suddenly.

  She squeezed my hand.

  Then. Fucked up. Tough.

  Then she stared at me, and I swore that her head was spinning as she grunted,"I will NEVER forgive you for this! You and your fucking supersperm!"

  Daisy

  Where was that beautiful Dr. Cunningham with the blue eyes and the beautiful shining bald head?

  I needed more drugs.

  A lot more dope.

  It was good between contractions. Could I just relax a little bit... it was almost... peaceful?

  But then, just when I was about to go to sleep...

  It felt like something... HUGE... pushed me in its own way, rolling and pushing around my stomach and about to burst out of my vagina...

  "Well, Daisy, you're crowning,"said the doctor.

  "Coronation"? I repeated. That sounded good.
The crowns are pretty, aren't they?

  Princesses have crowns.

  She could be a princess.

  Fuck.

  Crowning is not pleasant. To crown is to burn and tear and Oh-my-God, I'm tearing-breaking-breaking-breaking-on-the seams!

  I looked at Elijah, who was holding my hand and looked like he was in pain.

  Sure, he was in a lot of pain. He wasn't the one who was going to shoot three people from his uterus.

  I stared at him.

  He swallowed nervously. Yeah. Did he know about it?

  I knew this was all his fault.

  Stupid stupid super stupid sperm.

  "You're doing very well,"he said weakly, brushing my forehead hair. "Just keep breathing."

  Are you still breathing?

  Oh, really?

  That's all he had?

  I was lying there, swollen twice my usual size and ready to give birth to three, count them three, babies - who apparently had an intrauterine cage match to see who came out first - and all I could give was just keep breathing?

  I hissed in my teeth.

  "That's right, baby."

  "Don't call me baby! " He growled. Stupid sexy, sexy rock star that makes me get pregnant with three fucking babies.

  He lifted my hand to his lips. I noticed absent-mindedly that his fingers looked white and squashed. The contraction hardened. I squeezed his hand tighter.

  I think he complained.

  "You're doing very well,"he said, his voice clicking.

  "I'm not doing it right! " I screamed, unable to bear the pain. "And stop staring at my fucking tits!"

  The contraction was relieved, finally, and the doctor said,"Okay, Daisy, at the next contraction, I'm going to need you to push.

  Push?

  Push?

  Oh, shit.

  I looked at Elijah, tears in my eyes. "I'm scared,"I whispered.

  He just took his hand away from mine, flexing his fingers a little bit before putting them back together again.

  "All right,"he said, kissing me gently. "I'm here."

  E. C.

  I swear I wasn't looking at her tits.

  I was looking at my poor broken hand, pretty sure.

  Who knew such a tiny, tiny woman could be so fucking strong?

  "Ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod,"she shouted, her voice creeping in tone. "OH. MY. GOD!"

  "That's right, Daisy,"the doctor said. "Now push!"

  She leaned forward and I supported her on one side, the nurse on the other.

  "You can do it, honey,"I said, a little dizzy from the pain in her face. Her mouth twisted into a grimace as she clenched her teeth, churning out an unbearable growl, low and angry, every muscle in her tense body.