Love Lessons

by Heidi Cullinan

  Walter was having a hard time breathing. “You think he’ll have to leave Hope?”

  “I don’t think anything. Debbie Downer, remember? Like you said, scholarships. There are a few that are for need-based but don’t have anything to do with FAFSA requirements. I know a few people who know a few people. We’ll get him sorted, okay?” He studied Walter’s face for a second, then sank back in his chair and wiped his forehead. “Okay. Good. That’s settled. Just don’t ever look at me like that again.”

  Walter blinked. He felt dizzy and off focus. “What do you mean? Look like what?”

  “Like I’d killed your dog in front of you. Though God knows I’ve already let you down enough this year.” He pinched his forehead. “Seriously, ignore me. I’m not in a good head space. It’s funny, I prepared all year to be told I was losing my job, but somehow I still wasn’t ready.”

  Dimly, Walter was aware something significant had just happened. Some part of him was able to pull back and assess the situation, observing both that Williams had brought up a valid point about Kelly and Hope and that Walter had pretty much freaked out at the idea of Kelly leaving. Worse than Williams leaving. He couldn’t observe this long though, because even acknowledging it made him feel very…bad. He swallowed and put the Thai down on the edge of the desk.

  Williams swore under his breath. “Subject change. Tell me about your Valentine’s Day. I don’t even care if I hear something inappropriate. Tell me about your date, because knowing you, it was spectacular.”

  Walter thought about the trip to St. Louis, the fancy dinner, the way Kelly’s face had lit up at all the special touches, the way he’d felt in Walter’s arms. He meant to tell Williams about that, but instead when he opened his mouth he said, “He gave me a Disney movie.”

  Williams raised his eyebrows. “For Valentine’s Day? Which one?”

  “Pete’s Dragon on Blu-ray.” Walter stared at the Thai container, smiling to himself as he remembered. “He kind of has a Disney fetish, and I told him once that I loved that one as a kid. So he got it for me. We’ve watched it twice already.”

  Williams smiled and eased back into his chair. “Perfect. What’d you give him?”

  Walter told the story of their St. Louis trip, which ended up bleeding into the story of how they accidentally got lost on the way home and had dinner in some weird barbecue joint where Walter personally inspected the kitchen for allergens and Kelly sat mortified in the booth. Williams laughed, and they ate their Thai, and when Walter finally got on the road for Chicago, he was still smiling as he thought of hanging out with his advisor. It had been like old times, after the bumpy start. He was determined to make sure they had one more year of doing so, and that any time he felt like visiting Hope he could do that again, for as long as Williams wanted to be there.

  Northbrook of course put an immediate damper on his bliss, but he had been ready for that. His mother had been frosty at best since he’d run away at Christmas, and he would have skipped coming home entirely, but he wanted to check in on Tibby and he’d promised he’d help Cara. He took care of his sister first, booking several full days at the barn to watch her ride and promising to go to a Saturday show after he had his big prep meeting with Cara.

  Tibby seemed to be doing well—their grandparents had shown up the week before, and Grandma Claire had been keeping tabs on Tibby, it turned out, making sure she was okay. Walter made a mental note to send her a bucket of flowers and chocolates and an album full of pictures of him and Kelly. His mom was also a happy surprise. She told him she’d switched to a new therapist and was working hard, always taking her meds. She’d fired the cleaning service too and did the work around the house herself because it made her feel productive, like that time they’d worked together. Something told Walter there was no way his mom was now in perfect mental health—there would be more awkward moments and nasty shifts—but the fact that she was clearly trying meant a lot.

  Cara wasn’t as easy. She was in full bridezilla mode, with the wedding only two months away, and every message from the caterer or florist contained a potential international incident and opportunity for every woman in the room to break down weeping. In Cara’s defense, Walter could tell her mother and grandmother and her mother-in-law-to-be only threw oil on the fire and made sure it had plenty of coals. So on the Friday night before he went back to Hope, he took her down to Boystown, plunked her at the bar at Roscoe’s and got her completely smashed.

  “I just want to go to Vegas,” she sobbed into her appletini. “I want to marry Greg. But I can’t do this wedding.”

  “It’s going to be fine,” Walter told her for the thirtieth time and signaled the bartender to switch her over to water for a bit. “Give me the list of things you want me to do, and I’ll do them. Tibby will help too.”

  “You can’t. You have Williams to save.” She sobbed harder. “I’ve been a horrible friend because I haven’t been helping you.”

  She pretty much had been horrible, but after watching for a week what her life had become, Walter understood why. He wiped her face with a bar napkin, wondering if he should tell her that her mascara had pulled a Tammy Faye or if it was best to let that ride. “Kelly’s helping me, and Rose. Even that dingbat Ethan Miller is pulling his weight. We’ve got Williams. You keep working not to lose your mind before you walk down the aisle.”

  “I tried so hard,” she whispered. “I tried not to let it go crazy. I don’t know how I lost control.” She hiccupped. “Then my work has been bad, and Greg is all stressed—” She picked up a napkin and blew her nose into it.

  Walter stroked her back, kept her hydrated, repeated soothing refrains. When the bars closed, he got her home, stopped on the way to let her vomit, and spent the night at her house and made sure she was done emptying her stomach. He woke before she did, went downstairs and had a long talk with her mother about Cara’s stress level.

  Checking his phone, he saw he had about two hours before they were supposed to start stuffing wedding-favor bags and take Cara to her final fitting. Slipping out to a local coffee shop, he ordered a soy latte in honor of Kelly, then called him up and smiled as his boyfriend answered the phone.

  The post-break blitz to save Williams went, Kelly thought, as well as it probably could. The documentary was well-received and seemed to renew the interest in saving the communications department, and the negative side campaign, including the hacking, helped make the administration look particularly bad. Walter had said there would be a meeting of the board of regents, and true to form, they had one scheduled for the last week in April. They planned to discuss the departmental issues and announce their decision the last week of classes in May, which also happened to be the week before Cara’s wedding.

  “They’re doing that so if they decide negatively, there can’t be any more pushback,” Rose complained.

  “There won’t be any more pushback if they decide in favor of keeping Williams,” Ethan pointed out. “I just can’t believe they’ll drag this out that long. If he doesn’t get to keep this position, he has to find a new one.”

  “That’s probably what they’re counting on, that he’ll have to get another job first and save them the trouble,” Walter said.

  Kelly agreed that he wished they’d decide sooner rather than later, though for different reasons. He and Walter didn’t discuss the next school year much, only during the week Walter had been eligible to sign up for housing. They were now secured for a room in the upper story of Hampton, which was great—except Kelly didn’t know that he could come back.

  He hadn’t said a word to Walter about what his family’s stark financial situation might mean to their plans, but sometimes Kelly thought Walter knew what might be coming. He wanted to talk about it, but every instinct he had told him not to bring it up until he had no other choice. When Kelly found himself in Williams’s office discussing some scholarship opportunities, he decided to lay everything out on the table and see what Walter’s advisor thought of the situation.
<
br />   Williams sank back into his sagging office chair with a sigh. “Normally, I’d tell you to shoot straight and be honest. With this? With Walter, right now?” He shook his head with a grimace. “Let’s just say I’m hoping one of these donors comes through with a full ride for you.”

  Kelly blinked. “Is that even a possibility?”

  “Only if we’re living one of your Disney movies.” Williams ran a hand over his face. “God, I hate this. I don’t know how much he’s told you about his past, but your boyfriend is the poster child for abandonment issues. Doesn’t help a damn thing that he has such a big, giving heart. He tries to hide it, but he has to have at least one or two people he can shower affection on like a kind of outlet. That would be you and me right now, kid, and we’re both poised to abandon him like nobody ever has.”

  Kelly felt sick. And trapped. “Dr. Williams, I can’t make my family pay thirty-six thousand a year just because I don’t want to make Walter feel bad.” He hugged himself and hunched over a little. “Maybe I could go part-time or something, and stay here until he graduates and I can transfer.”

  “No, Kelly. You were right the first time. You can’t make your family strain just to avoid a nasty situation for your boyfriend.” He rubbed at his temple. “Let me keep working on this, okay? Or are your parents pressuring you to make a decision right now?”

  Kelly shook his head. “They’re ready to send me here again if it’s what I want. The thing is, the only thing here specifically that I want is Walter.”

  “Yeah, that’s what I figured.” He shook his head. “If the appeal falls through, I hope he goes elsewhere. This has always been settling for him. I know he says it doesn’t matter, but it does. He’s so smart. Brilliant, even. But he needs to have somebody supporting him, or he’s not okay. God, he’d hate us talking about this. Except it’s true.” Williams looked at Kelly over the top of his glasses. “You get that, right? That Mr. I-Don’t-Need-Anyone only says that to keep people from suspecting what a big fat lie that is?”

  Kelly smiled sadly. “Yeah. I’ve known that for a while now.”

  Williams went back to skimming his computer screen. “We’ll find a way to fix this. I don’t know how yet, but we’ll find a way.”

  The talk helped Kelly. It made him feel less like he was keeping a secret from Walter and more that he was working on a solution.

  The April meeting of Philosophy Club was on Francis Herbert Bradley and the philosophy of idealism. While Kelly still thought the whole philosophy thing went a bit above his head, he found he really liked Bradley and his good self vs. bad self. His favorite part was Bradley’s suggestion people lean on religious teachings to find their way. Kelly had started becoming a regular churchgoer, much to Walter’s chagrin, and he found the hour to reflect and remember what was important in life centered him, helped him pilot better through the rest of his week.

  He held Walter’s hand as they headed back to the dorm after the Bradley meeting. The usual herd was headed for Moe’s, which hopefully meant Porter would be a bit more isolated than normal. It was hard to believe in a month he wouldn’t have to live there anymore, one way or another. He’d be either in the air-conditioned Manors with Walter, or he’d be…somewhere else.

  “Three weeks until the decision,” Walter said as they crossed the common and headed past the student union. His voice was quiet, and he sounded sad. “I hope we’ve done enough.”

  Kelly squeezed his hand. “If it isn’t enough, you’ll know you gave it everything you had.”

  Walter looked so tired. “Kelly, I don’t know what I’ll do if they don’t keep his position. I honestly have no idea.”

  “Whatever it is,” Kelly said, “we’ll face it together.”

  Walter pulled him close, and Kelly slipped an arm around his waist.

  As they made love that night, though Kelly hadn’t set out to plan it, he found himself subtly shifting the tables. It was he who pressed Walter into the mattress, he who covered Walter with kisses and urged him to let go, give in to pleasure. It wasn’t the first time he rimmed him or added a combo blow job, but it was the first time he ever felt so intent on caretaking, on giving Walter a safe space. What came next, in the end, was only a natural extension.

  They exchanged no words to confirm their switching of previous roles, but when Kelly began to ease him open, Walter opened his legs and helped him along.

  As soon as Kelly began to push inside, feeling the heat and tightness around his cock, he quietly vowed he’d be doing this again and soon. Being fucked felt good, but fucking wasn’t bad, either. Walter seemed to like the change as well—he shut his eyes and let go, gasping and clutching at the futon, urging Kelly on. Kelly didn’t hesitate to give his lover what he asked for.

  When they came down, breathless and sweaty and sated, they spooned together, the smell of sex wrapping around them. Walter smiled sleepily and twined his fingers lazily in Kelly’s hair.

  “I can feel your spunk leaking out of my ass,” he murmured, laughing. “I haven’t felt that since I was too stupid to demand condoms.”

  Kelly fought to shut his eyes against the gentle massage at his scalp. “I like that feeling too.”

  Walter nuzzled Kelly’s lips, his fingers in Kelly’s hair slowing to a more deliberate caress. “Thank you.”

  Kelly nuzzled back. “You’re welcome.”

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  When Walter was five, he’d been lost in a department store. One moment his mother had been standing at the perfume counter while Walter touched the shiny rows of dangling necklaces, admiring the way they danced in the light, and the next his mother was gone. He’d wandered the gleaming white counters, heart pounding, wanting to call for her but not daring to shout and get in trouble for making a scene. Though the adventure had likely only been a few minutes, it had felt like hours that he’d wandered up and down the center aisle, hoping for a glimpse of her red coat, until he couldn’t hold back his tears and a saleslady took him to customer service. He’d been reunited with his mother right away, and she’d even fussed over him, giving him hugs and telling him never to wander off again, but that horrible feeling of what it felt like to be lost, hopelessly lost with no idea of how to find himself, had never gone away.

  Whenever he was particularly stressed out, Walter replayed variations of that moment in dreams. The night before Williams’s decision was to be announced, he had the version where he was lost in an airport—still young, still looking for his mother, but it was seas of suitcases and suit legs he navigated, not white counters and rows of perfume. In his nightmares, unlike real life, he never found his mother, and no one ever rescued him. He always woke agitated, hollowed out and sick to his stomach.

  That Thursday morning when he climbed out of the dream, Kelly was there, asleep beside him on the futon. They were both naked and twined together, pulled close in one of their last nights together until whenever they visited one another this summer. Walter intended to put in an appearance for a week or so in Northbrook and then head for the Land of Ten Thousand Lakes. He had, without telling Kelly, priced apartments in Windom and looked for part-time jobs so he didn’t seem stalker-ish. He hadn’t committed to anything yet, but he hadn’t ruled anything out either. Their room was almost completely packed. Kelly’s parents were coming on Saturday to move him out, though Kelly himself would be in Northbrook at Cara’s wedding with Walter. They were taking Walter’s things too, in a little trailer they’d borrowed from a neighbor for the occasion. Walter felt this was a sign his apartment idea was a good one.

  At that moment he wasn’t thinking much about apartments, though.

  It was early, but he couldn’t stay in bed any longer, and he didn’t want to wake up Kelly, so he dressed quietly and headed out to wander the campus. He skipped the cafeteria, meandering around the pathways that led to the lake instead, stuffing his hands in his jacket pockets and letting his caged thoughts spin out across the early morning mist. The leaves were in bloom, but they still ha
d that stark green that came with first leaf. The flowerbeds were lush and primed for the marigolds the seniors would plant as part of their graduation ceremony on Sunday. The swans swam serenely as ever. Everything was quiet and beautiful, and it gave Walter hope, something to hold on to while he waited to hear what the future would bring. He wanted to sit at Williams’s office, but he knew Williams was at home, waiting for the 8 a.m. phone call that would decide his fate.

  Walter paced the length of campus and back again, waiting for it too.

  At 8:16, his phone rang. He held it in his hand a moment, heart tight, arms aching. Then he swallowed hard and answered.

  “Hey, Williams,” he said, trying—and failing—to keep his tone glib. He looked up at the beauty of a magnolia tree in bloom above him, fixating on the frail, pink blooms. “Tell me the good word.”

  He had his answer before Williams spoke, in the heavy, painful beat of silence. “I’m so sorry, Walter.”

  Walter shut his eyes, breathing against the heaviness that hit him, pulling him down and down into a sorrow that did not stop.

  “Walter, listen to me.” Williams’s voice sounded broken, like he was crying or trying not to. “You did everything you could. I know that. I saw that. I watched you, watched everything you did. I know you got to them, and I think you moved a lot of the regents. You did amazing things, worked miracles and moved mountains, and that counts.”

  Walter’s throat was so thick he almost couldn’t speak. “Not enough.”

  “Yes, enough.” Williams’s voice grew stronger. “You did far more than enough. You were amazing, Walter, like you always are.”

  Walter felt sick. He swayed on his feet and put an arm out against one of the magnolia branches to steady himself. “They can’t do this. They can’t do this.”

  “They can. They did. They’re selfish, idiot bastards, and I don’t have to play nice for them anymore—but yes, they can do this. Right now, though, I don’t care about them. I care about you. Where are you, Walter? I’m halfway to campus, and I’m coming to find you.”