Always & Forever

by Crossley, Lauren

  Chapter Five

  Mum rushes into the hall as soon as I close the front door. I notice the relief on her face when she realises that it’s me and not my father arriving home early.

  “Bethany, thank goodness you’re home.” She says, placing a hand over her chest.

  I smile at her but say nothing. I really don’t have anything to say, all I want to do is head on upstairs and spend some time alone with my thoughts. I want to remember and sweetly savour everything about tonight. I’m going to have to cherish every moment if I have to wait until next Friday to see him again.

  “I’m going straight to bed, Mum. I’m pretty tired.”

  “How was Amy?” She asks before I manage to reach the final step.

  “She’s fine. It was nice to catch up with her again. We both agreed that we should do it again sometime.” I respond carelessly, as though it’s no big deal and close the door behind me as soon as I enter my bedroom.

  I lie awake for a long time that night. My mind won’t stop thinking about Jake and everything that happened between us this evening. I start to reminisce about all of the sleepless nights I’ve spent in this room imagining the life I’d choose for myself if I could. I’m not so naive to be already contemplating a long term future with Jake but I have to admit that the excitement and exhilaration I’ve experienced since meeting him has become addictive. I don’t want to imagine an existence where I don’t feel like this ever again.

  It’s like I’ve been asleep for all these years and now I’m finally awake. My slumber has come to an end and I can see things clearly for the first time.

  The next morning Mum and I head over to gran’s house. I wish that I could see her more frequently but unfortunately it’s just not possible. I think my controlling father thought that if he were to put some distance between us then our bond would weaken. The truth is it actually did the opposite; we’re closer than ever because we see so little of one another.

  I’ve already decided to tell gran about Jake when I see her. Now that I know I’m going to continue seeing him I can’t keep it from her.

  Gran greets us at the door and leads us into the living room. I take my rightful place by the fire and wait for her to take her seat in her armchair beside me. Mum’s already in the kitchen making us some coffee. I know that this is the only chance I have to speak with gran in private.

  “Gran, I need to tell you something.” I speak softly and keep one eye on the door leading through to the kitchen, not wanting mum to walk in and overhear our conversation.

  “I thought you might. You look different, Bethany. I’m not sure what it is but you’re glowing, something’s made you happy.”

  I gape at her in astonishment. She’s always known me better than anyone but even I’m surprised by the extent of her intuition. It’s as though she can read my thoughts and I don’t know whether to be amazed or unnerved.

  “Well, I’ve sort of met someone.” I can feel myself blushing as I start to speak about Jake and remember the passionate kiss we shared last night.

  “I knew it! I knew something had changed. I noticed a difference in you last week, you look radiant, there’s this natural and joyful aura surrounding you. Tell me everything, how did you meet him?”

  I glance nervously towards the kitchen and hear mum pottering about. I know that I only have a few moments until we’re interrupted.

  “I literally collided with him, Gran.” I say, smirking as I think about Jake barging right into me.

  I tell her everything, how we met and how I saw him again last night. I also tell her about my plans to see him again next week.

  “So your mum believes you met up with your old school friend Amy last night? And she doesn’t know anything about Jake?” Gran asks.

  “That’s right. I can’t wait to see him again, Gran. The only thing that’s bothering me is being forced to lie to mum. I hate it and I feel so guilty for doing it even though I realise that I haven’t really got a choice, not if I want to see him again.” I sigh in exasperation. I still don’t know if this is going to work. Eventually my mum’s going to question the amount of time she thinks I’m spending with Amy.

  Gran remains quiet and I can tell she’s thinking up something. We both look up as mum enters the living room whilst balancing the tea tray. I hurry up to help and take the tray from her, placing it on the table in front of the sofa.

  We all sit together, sipping our coffee in a comfortable silence. It’s always been this way with us. Mum never has much to say and Gran and I have plenty. Unfortunately, we can’t talk freely with my mum’s presence and that’s why I can’t confide in gran as much as I would like. Gran finally breaks the silence with her clear and determined voice.

  “Ellen, I need to tell you something that Bethany and I have discussed.”

  My eyes widen in horror, surely gran’s not going to do this to me. She can’t tell mum about Jake, she won’t do that to me.

  “Ok…” Mum says uncertainly.

  “We’ve been talking and we’ve both decided that it’s not good enough only being allowed to see one another once a week. You know how close we are and she is my only grandchild.”

  I frown at gran, wondering what the hell she’s doing. We weren’t discussing anything like she’s telling mum.

  “I know it’s not ideal, Mum. I wish I could do something about it but I can’t, you know how it is.” Mum says wearily.

  It’s not like this is the first time we’ve had this discussion but I know gran’s up to something, she keeps giving me pointed looks and I know she’s trying to secretly reassure me.

  “I know how things are but I’m tired of it. Bethany and I have decided that from now on she’ll come and visit me on a Friday evening. I’ll make sure she gets home early so you don’t need to worry, she’ll be back in plenty of time before he comes home.”

  My mouth falls open in amazement. I can’t believe what she’s just done for me. She’s provided me with a place to be every Friday so I can continue to keep on seeing Jake. I now have a solid and believable excuse. It’s perfect.

  Mum doesn’t seem to think so and immediately starts to argue with gran. She tells her that it’s too risky, that my father will find out and she’ll be blamed for the whole thing.

  “If he finds out I’ve lied to him…”

  “He won’t. He’s out every Friday until late and Bethany will make it home long before him. I’m getting older and I want to spend time with my granddaughter whilst I can. Besides, if he ever finds out you can blame the whole thing on me; tell him that it was my idea.”

  Mum continues to fight against it but once gran’s mind is made up there’s no stopping her. Gran’s always been aware of my father’s controlling nature and short temper but she doesn’t know the true extent of his dominatingly cruel behaviour. She doesn’t know what happened six years ago. She doesn’t know what happened when he came home early that night. The memory of it is has been carved into my memory and I’m unable to forget it, no matter how hard I’ve tried. It’s the same with mum, we never talk about it and I know that she’s probably thinking about it right now. The memory has scarred both of us forever.

  I sometimes wonder if he feels any guilt for what he did. Whenever I start to contemplate this I remind myself that a man without a soul doesn’t have a conscience, therefore he can’t experience feelings of repentance or guilt.

  “Mum, please allow this.” I turn to her pleadingly. If she doesn’t give me her consent then I’m going to have to continue using Amy, someone I haven’t even seen in years as my alibi every week so I can go and meet Jake. It’s too risky and I don’t want to put myself in any kind of position where I might get caught.

  “Fine, you can come here later this week. I just hope to God that your father doesn’t find out. Ever.”

  I throw my arms around her, squeezing her tight. Deep down I know she only wants the best for me and for this reason I will always love her. She’s my mum and I’ll continue to be there for her,
no matter what.

  Later on in the week my father insists on taking me to the cinema and then out for a meal. The whole thing is tedious and I spend most of my time counting down the hours until we can go home and I can go to bed. He talks incessantly about our impending vacation and I have to fake my interest and enthusiasm throughout our entire meal.

  Whilst we’re out together I start to consider all of the things that Jake might be up to. I can’t imagine him sitting at home every night day dreaming about me. I take a look at all of the girls who are dining at the restaurant my father chose. They can’t be that much older than me and yet they look so sexy and sophisticated. Jake could have any one of these young women; it doesn’t make sense that he would even seriously consider someone like me.

  The thought of Jake is what gets me through the dismal days as I patiently wait for Friday to arrive. I’m sure mum’s noticed the change in me but she’s too afraid and faint-hearted to ask me anything about it. I wish we had a relationship where we could talk to one another and be more open. I’ve wanted that for twenty years and nothing’s changed so I don’t have much hope for anything different now.

  Friday finally arrives and I have to try really, really hard to stop myself from walking around the house with a great big smile on my face. I have to remember that as far as my father is concerned nothing has changed. My life is exactly the same as it’s always been. He’s caught me in a good mood a couple of times and when questioned about it I’ve put it down to being excited for our holiday. He believed me and I realised then that I have to be more careful in concealing my emotions, especially in front of him.

  I’m so restless on Friday morning. I don’t work in the bookstore on Friday’s so I have to contend with hanging around the house all day. I spend that time feeling anxious and worrying that mum will confront me about where I’m really going. I’m also terrified that he’ll change his plans and decide to stay home. If that were to happen then it would be impossible for me to sneak out and meet Jake. I have no other way to contact him, I don’t even know his last name and I know that I’d probably never see him again. The possibility of this is just far too alarming to even think about.

  Thank goodness I don’t have to consider such a thing. My father arrives home from the bookstore in the evening, eats the unappreciated meal my mum has made for him, showers and then leaves the house. Five minutes after his departure I start to get ready.

  “Bethany, please make sure that you come home early. I know that going to see your gran isn’t such a big deal but you know what the consequences will be if your father finds out. Please don’t put either of us in the position of getting caught.” She wrings her hands together nervously and I experience another stab of guilt for misleading her and deceiving my mum in this way. I don’t want to place this burden on her shoulders and if there was any other way I’d choose it.

  “I will, Mum. Try not to worry, I’ll be home soon and I’ll give your love to gran.” I make sure that I don’t look her in the eyes as I say this. I’m sure she’ll be able to see through my lies and I don’t want her to know what a fraud her daughter really is. I turn from her and close the front door behind me. I breathe a sigh of relief and relish my first intake of freedom this week. I’ve lied, manipulated and tricked my mum but as soon as I see Jake I’ll know it was all worth it.

  I’m so desperate to see him again; I have to refrain myself from running all the way there. I spot him as soon as I turn the corner. Just the sight of him causes the butterflies to start fluttering in my stomach. I hold my breath and slow down my pace, trying to steady my over-wrought nerves.

  He’s still unaware of my presence and I study him carefully. He’s staring down at the palm of his hand, as I get closer towards him I notice that he’s looking at his phone. I can’t help but wonder who he’s communicating with. He told me that he didn’t have a girlfriend but do I really know if he was telling me the truth?

  “Hey, you.” I tap him on the shoulder and he whirls around. As soon as his eyes fall on me his entire face lights up. It really is astonishing how handsome he is. Everything about him is captivating and every time I’m near him the pull that I feel towards him becomes more indescribable. The sensation is completely foreign to me, I don’t know whether to embrace it or run away from it altogether.

  “Bethany, it’s so good to see you.” The intensity and sincerity of his words always takes me by surprise. He somehow manages to convey every single emotion through his voice, allowing me to feel the sentiment and force behind them.

  “How are you?”

  “I’m good. I’m great now that you’re here. You look beautiful.” We both startle at his statement, I don’t think he meant to say that out loud.

  Feeling slightly uncomfortable and embarrassed by his comment, I chew on my lower lip whilst trying to think up a reply to his compliment. His passionate brown eyes drop to my lips again. I abstain from smiling; loving the fact that I manage to arouse him.

  “So, shall we sit?” I ask, interrupting his preoccupation with my lips.

  “Are you sure? I don’t want you to be cold. I’d invite you over to my place but it’s far too chaotic. I don’t want to put you off before you’ve even decided if I’m a good guy for you to be spending time with or not.”

  “The ground is dry, I don’t mind.”

  This time Jake offers me his hoodie but puts in on the ground for me to sit on. I feel bad about it getting dirty but when I argue he insists.

  “Why is it chaotic where you live?” I ask him curiously.

  “Because it’s full of women, I live with my mum and three sisters.”

  “You’re the only boy?”

  “Yep. Don’t get me wrong, I love them but two of my sisters are a nightmare and I don’t get much peace with all of them. I’m saving up to get my own place but until them I have to put up with the bedlam.” He chuckles lightly and I blurt my next question out before I can rein any control over my brain.

  “What about your dad?” I glance up at him and notice that his expression has changed, the look is murderous and brutal. I’d be scared of him if it were directed at me.

  “He left years ago.” He says despondently.

  “Jake, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked that question.”

  “No, don’t worry about it.” He smiles at me in reassurance but I’m certain that his relaxed demeanour is a front for my benefit.

  “I sometimes wish mine would leave.” I gasp when I realise how insensitive that must seem. He frowns, peering at me closely. I shut my eyes, realising I’ve said too much.

  “Why would you say that?” He asks me, the concern clear in his voice.

  “I’m sorry; I know how horrible and thoughtless that sounded.”

  “I don’t mean that. Why would you say that about your dad? Is it that bad at home?”

  “It is what it is.” I say, feeling dispirited. He obviously wants me to elaborate but I don’t want to tarnish our time together by talking about my father.

  “It must be a little strange for you just living with your mum and sisters?” I know we’ve already covered this but I’m desperate to change the subject and direct the conversation back onto Jake.

  “Yeah, it’s been that way for a few years now. We’re better off without that waste of space.”

  I say nothing. Who would have thought that we feel exactly the same about our fathers?

  “We don’t have to talk about this, Jake.”

  “It’s ok, I want to. He used to hit my mum; he eventually started on me when I was about ten.”

  “I’m so sorry.” I know how feeble my apology sounds but I really don’t know what else to say.

  “He left after my sixteenth birthday. My sisters had spent all day decorating the house for my party and he turned up drunk, he ruined the whole thing. I was so angry with him, I confronted him and he took a swing at me. My youngest sister was so scared, it just made me snap. I’d had enough of his bullshit, we all had. I decided to take him
on and so I threw a chair at him.”

  My mouth falls open in shock and I wonder if I misheard him. His eyes remain fixed on the road ahead of us and I know that heard correctly.

  “Wow, I don’t quite know what to say.”

  “I’m sorry, Bethany. I shouldn’t have blurted it out like that. I just don’t want you to feel sorry for me because there’s no need. That day he got what he deserved, I think he was humiliated more than anything. He was ashamed that I managed to beat him. When I was a kid I was defenceless, I had no power against him and that’s when he started to beat me. I was adamant that history wasn’t going to repeat itself with my sisters. They’re all younger than me and I’m really protective over them. What I’m trying to say is, I don’t regret what I did and I hope that you now don’t think any less of me for that.” His apprehension is written all over his face, my reaction and opinion really matters to him.

  “Jake, how could I think any less of you? I actually respect you even more for standing up for yourself.” He sighs with relief and I’m glad to see the usual sparkle in his eyes has returned.

  “Thank you. You have no idea what that means to me. I just want you to know that I would never hurt you, Bethany. I don’t want you to feel unsafe with me, I’m very protective over the people I care about but I would never lay a finger on you, you have to believe me.” His eyes gaze steadily into mine and I know he’s speaking the truth.

  “I know that, Jake.” I say soothingly.

  He can’t blame me for what I do next. The way he’s looking at me provides me with enough incentive to be so bold. I tentatively reach my hand out towards his, wondering what his reaction will be. The second our fingers touch I feel an extraordinary and inextricable connection to him that I’ve never felt before. He quickly interlaces our fingers together and even though it’s so cold outside his hand is wonderfully warm. It fits around mine and squeezes it protectively.

  I guess my next decision can only be blamed on being ridiculously overwhelmed. I pull my hand away, leaving Jake looking bewildered and hurt. I really wanted to keep on holding his hand but the immense impact I felt scared me. It’s too soon for me to be feeling like this. I want to put some distance between us before I drown in this newly discovered and unfamiliar territory.