Always & Forever

by Crossley, Lauren

  “Oh, before I forget, I want to give you this.” He chooses to ignore the fact that I pulled away from him and I’m thankful to him for overlooking my uncertainty. He reaches his hand into his pocket and pulls out a mobile phone before offering it to me

  “What’s this?”

  “Well, it’s just too hard for me not being able to talk with you all week. I’m constantly wondering how you are and what you’re up to. I know you don’t have a phone so I decided to buy you this, I’m sorry its pretty basic but there’s enough credit on there to last you quite a while so we can at least text each. I just… I really need a way of staying in touch with you.”

  I stare down at the phone he’s now placed in my hand and I find that I’m rendered speechless. The very idea of being able to talk with him is just too incredible to be true. However, I also know how dangerous it is to take a phone home with me. It will only add to the responsibility that I’ll have by keeping it concealed.

  “Jake, I can’t accept this, it’s too much.” I argue, handing it back to him.

  “Please, Bethany, just take it. I’m not really being generous; I just can’t stand the thought of only being able to see you once a week, I want more. A phone will at least allow us to contact one another.”

  “But how can you afford this?”

  “I work in a bar. Not the most ambitious career, I know. It’s only temporary and the money’s fairly good so you don’t need to worry about me buying you this, ok?”

  I realise that what he’s saying is true; it does make sense for me to take the phone and if he can afford to get me this then I probably should accept it. I remember the constant worrying I’ve had to contend with all week, the thought of being unable to meet Jake and also being unable to get in touch with him to let him know. At least if I take the phone I’ll continue to have a small connection with him. I weigh up advantages to accepting his gift and the risk of getting caught with it. I curl my fingers around it and place it in my own pocket before I change my mind.

  “Thanks so much. This is really thoughtful of you.”

  Jake insists on showing me how to use the phone, something I’m secretly thankful for and after a brief tutorial I think I’ve pretty much got the hang of it.

  “It’s not too complicated so don’t worry.” He reassures me.

  “I think I’ll figure it out.” I say hopefully. I’m actually quite proud of myself for catching on so quickly. I’ve never had my own mobile before so it did take a bit of getting used to.

  “One day I’ll get you an iPhone. You’ll be amazed by what one of those things can do.” He grins at me and blush, wondering why he would mention buying me something as expensive as that.

  “Is that what yours is?”

  “Yeah, I swore I’d never get one but that was before I realised what they can do and now I wouldn’t be without it.” He humorously rolls his eyes at himself making me laugh.

  “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to figure out one of those.”

  “You can practise with mine if you want; you’ll pick it up real easy. I promise you.”

  “If you say so.” I say doubtfully.

  “So, you now know that I work in a bar, something I’m not going to boast about but at least it’s something. What about you? What do you do, Bethany?” He gazes at me with those magnificent eyes and I completely lose myself in them for several seconds.

  “Nothing. Well, I help out in my father’s book store three days a week but he doesn’t pay me or anything.”

  “That sucks.”

  “Yeah…”

  “And what would you like to do if you could choose for yourself?” He asks, raising his eyebrows at me. I can detect an underlying humorous tone in his voice and I’m not sure if he’s flirting or being serious.

  “I really don’t know, I guess I’ve never had the option before so I’ve never really considered it. Listen, Jake, I better get going soon; I need to be home before my father gets back.”

  “It feels like we’ve only been talking a few minutes but I understand you need to hurry home. The thing is… I know you don’t like talking about it but I need to ask, how come your dad’s so strict? Are you an only child?”

  My heart starts beating rapidly, how am I going to be able to explain this?

  “Yeah, I am.” I say quietly.

  “So that explains why he’s so protective of you, if you’re his only daughter that will make you even more special to him.”

  I don’t want to say anything in reply but I can’t help myself.

  “I wish it were just like that.” I mutter.

  “What do you mean?” He gently touches my shoulder, turning me to face him. I sigh, feeling defeated. Maybe I should open up to him a little more, Jake did tell me about his own father and maybe I should repay his confidence.

  “The truth is that you couldn’t be more wrong about my father. He isn’t overprotective of me because he cares. He… well, he’s not a nice man, let’s just leave it at that.” I hope this will be enough to satisfy Jake’s curiosity and put an end to his speculation. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

  “What do you mean when you say he’s not a nice man? Why? What does he do? He… he doesn’t hit you, does he? Tell me the truth, Bethany. He doesn’t hurt you, right?” The rage builds up in his questioning, until I feel like I’m being interrogated.

  I look away from him, not wanting to have this conversation. My time with Jake is supposed to be my escape from all of this, the one time I can forget about my miserable home life and yet my unhappiness seems to have crept its way into our time together.

  He places his hands on my shoulders and once again turns me to face him. Damn, there really is no chance that he’ll let this go. He’s already demanding that I tell him the truth.

  “Can we please just stop talking about this?”

  “Not a chance. Bethany. Does he hit you?” He persists forcefully. His eyes are desperate; he’s intent on getting to the bottom of this. I also notice a flicker of something else, its anger and I can’t quite understand why.

  “No, Jake, he doesn’t hit me but it’s complicated.”

  “How?”

  “It just is. It’s hard to explain.”

  “I’m sure I’ll manage to keep up.” He encourages me.

  I clench my fists, feeling utterly exasperated. Why does he have to be so stubborn? Why does he have to push me on this?

  “I hate my father, Jake, I always have. He’s a control freak and a bully. He treats my mum like she’s nothing and yet he chooses to idolise me. I know how spoilt I must seem but nobody knows what its like to be me. No one knows how it feels to be doted on by someone who you despise. He’s suffocated me my whole life, I’ve always had to abide by his rules and do as he says. I was in college but he made me leave, I have to do what he wants when he wants it. He’s in charge of my entire existence and he always will be.” I take a breath, trying to calm myself. I can’t believe I just blurted all of that out to him. God knows what Jake will think of me now. He’s probably hoping to get as far away from me as possible.

  When I eventually look up at him my gaze collides with his. The incredulous and shocked expression on his face causes me to feel even worse about revealing it all to him. I’m about to say something, wanting to break the awkward silence but he beats me to it.

  “I’m so sorry, Bethany, I had no idea. I thought he was a little extreme in his preservation of you but I had absolutely no clue about the type of man you have to live with.” He runs his hand through his hair and I can see he’s at a loss for what to say.

  “Don’t be sorry. It’s probably for the best that you know. I couldn’t keep it a secret forever.” I shrug hopelessly.

  “I’m glad I know the truth. At least now I can try to help you. God, I’ll never be comfortable with you going home to him again.”

  “He treats my mum badly but I’m the one he worships. I know how to handle him so he doesn’t treat me poorly. He’s even planned a holiday for
the two of us in a few weeks time. My mum didn’t even get an invite. I’m dreading the whole thing. I say despairingly.

  “But he can’t do that; he can’t force you to go away with him.” Jake stands up and drags his fingers through his coal-black hair. His whole posture has changed and I can see that he’s frustrated by what I’ve told him.

  “He doesn’t care about things like that, Jake. If he wants me to something then I do it. It’s as simple as that.”

  “Is he blind? He can’t see the fact that you can’t stand him?”

  “Over the years I’ve become pretty convincing. I learnt a long time ago not to disobey him.” I close my eyes in dismay. I can’t believe I just said that. Now he’s going to demand another explanation from me, one which I can’t bear to give.

  “What happened?” His jaw is clenched in anger and his voice sounds low and threatening.

  “It was a long time ago, its not important now.”

  “Bethany, tell me what happened?” He crouches down before me and touches my chin with his fingertip. I’ve never witnessed so much concern for me and I have to admit that it is flattering. I know that talking about this will make me uncomfortable and I’m reluctant to do it. I bite down on my lower lip, trying a diversionary tactic and hoping to distract him. It works. His gaze drops down to my mouth but he shakes his head, forcing himself to focus.

  “What did he do?” His voice changes, becoming gentle and I find myself wanting to confide in him. Nobody besides my mum knows about this and it might help to finally divulge what happened to someone who cares.

  “It really was a long time ago. I was only fourteen and a boy from school had asked me to go to the cinema with him.” I pause, mentally preparing myself to go on. After all of this time that memory still fills me with dread.

  “Go on, it’s ok.” Jake whispers softly.

  “It wasn’t really a date or anything but you can imagine how significant it felt to a fourteen year old girl. I told my mum about it, hoping that I’d be able to go. I was so naïve. My mum was more realistic, she knew that my father would never allow it but she was far more brave back then. She knew how important it was for me to have some sort of social life and so we both agreed that I would go to the cinema and we wouldn’t tell him. He’s never spent his Friday nights at home and so we arranged that I would go out then and I planned on making sure I’d be back before he came home. I guess you’ve already figured out that on the evening I was supposed to be going out he came home early. He’d only been gone half an hour and he was back. I was in my bedroom getting changed when I heard him come home. I remember I had on a denim skirt and a small white T-shirt. I was so excited; I’d never had that much freedom before.”

  Jake’s hand reaches out and takes a hold of mine. There’s such warmth and tenderness in his caress, it enables me to feel strong enough to tell him everything about that night.

  “Tell me.” He urges.

  “I don’t know why he arrived back so early but he burst into my bedroom without knocking and caught me standing in front of the mirror. He continued to stare at me in astonishment for the longest time; it was though he couldn’t quite believe what he was seeing. He looked me up and down in disgust and he started shouting at me. He demanded that I tell him where I was going. He called me a slut, a whore and a prostitute. I was fourteen years old and I looked nothing like the things he called me. I still remember the venom in his voice when he verbally abused me.” I stop talking when I notice that Jake’s breathing has become erratic and unsteady. His jaw is tight unyielding, his hands are balled up into fists, his knuckles are white.

  “Go on.” He says through clenched teeth.

  I swallow nervously but continue.

  “My mum came rushing up the stairs when she heard him yelling at me. He was furious with her for deceiving him. He forced us to tell him everything and so we had to come clean. Mum tried to calm him down and said that not letting me go was a justifiable punishment for us lying to him. I thought that would be his decision but what he did next… I didn’t even know he was capable of.

  He made it clear that he didn’t think my not going was a sufficient enough punishment for deceiving him. He said that if I wanted to disobey him and dress like a prostitute then I would. He was so fast, I couldn’t stop him. He violently yanked my skirt from me, he actually pinned me down on the floor to rip it from my body. He took it with him when he went into the kitchen; he got a large pair of scissors and cut about four inches off its length.

  He then returned to the bedroom and threw it at me; he told me I had to wear it. The most degrading and humiliating moment was when he found an old lipstick of my mum’s and he actually wrote the word ‘whore’ right across the chest of my white T-shirt in bold red letters. He made me go to the cinema as I had planned that night. He dragged me kicking and screaming into the car and then locked me in it as he drove me into town. I remember my mum pleading with him not do it, she even got down on her knees and begged him to change his mind.

  He drove me to the cinema, pulled me out of the car by my hair and abandoned me. He left me in the middle of town with no money, no phone and no means of getting back home. The boy I had arranged to meet was so embarrassed by my appearance that he quickly made his excuses and left. I had to walk all the way home in the dark.

  I was absolutely petrified, I was a fourteen year old girl and I was forced to walk the streets alone with a cut up skirt and a vandalised T-shirt. I wanted to turn my top inside out but I had nowhere to change. Every single car that drove past me saw that vile and disgusting word painted on my clothing and all I could think to do was walk on.

  I prayed that I would make it home safely but then a conflicting part of me never wanted to make it home at all. When I got back he was out and I found my mum sobbing on the floor. She begged me for my forgiveness but as far as I was concerned she had nothing to be sorry for. He was the one who had hurt me. I didn’t blame her; she was as much of a victim as I was that night.” I exhale loudly; I now feel utterly drained and exhausted from having to relive that terrible memory.

  I had become so absorbed in my remembrance of the past; I didn’t even notice that Jake is no longer crouched down in front of me. He’s on his feet and pacing back and forth. His mannerisms resemble that of a wild and untamed lion that has been captured and forced into a cage. I half expect him to turn around and attack the next person who makes the mistake of trying to approach him.

  He’s turned away from me so I cannot see the expression on his face but I can clearly see that his shoulders are tense and his fists still remain clenched.

  For one horrible moment I start to worry that he’s disgusted with me and that he’s going to walk way. I once again experience all of the humiliation that I was forced to endure all those years ago. I don’t want to sit here and wait for him to comfort me out of pity. I deserve better than that.

  I silently begin to walk away from him. I don’t know why I choose to leave but I instantly knew I’d made a mistake, I never should have told him anything. I’ve only gone five steps in the opposite direction when I hear Jake’s voice calling me back.

  “Bethany, wait! Please don’t go!” I hear his footsteps pound heavily on the ground behind me, he’s in front of me in an instant, walking backwards so he can keep stride and face me at the same time.

  “I have to go.” I protest weakly, trying to walk past him.

  “Please wait, don’t leave like this.” He grabs my arm, turning me around so we’re face to face.

  “I saw how disgusted you were, Jake. Why should I stay?”

  “You’re right, I was disgusted by what you told me but not with you. I was sick with the thought of knowing what he had done to you, what he put you through. I was angry. I was so furious that I had to turn away from you because I don’t want you to see me like that. I don’t want you to see that side of me. I don’t blame you at all for what happened, not for a single moment did I think that any of it was your fault. Please believ
e me.” He beseeches me to believe him and his desperate countenance inclines me to do so.

  “You don’t blame me at all?” I ask him, seeking his absolute reassurance.

  “Blame you for what? You did nothing wrong. Bethany, you have to believe that.”

  I’ve always known that what my father did that night was all about him, his own insecurities and his own fears about losing me. His desperate and cruel attempt to try and control me again worked. I haven’t disobeyed him since that night. Well, until now. That’s why I can’t even bring myself to think about what the consequences would be if he found out I was meeting Jake.

  “I know it’s true. I just wanted to hear you say it.” I admit, smiling weakly.

  “You have no idea how I panicked when I saw you walking away from me. I thought my reaction had ruined everything.”

  “That was immature of me. I just couldn’t bear to witness the revulsion on your face.”

  “That repulsion was meant for him not you.”

  We continue to gaze at one another in silence and I regretfully realise it’s time to go.

  “I need to head back. My mum thinks I’m visiting my gran. It’s the only excuse I could think of to be able to see you again. It was actually my gran’s idea; I’ve now got a valid reason for leaving the house every Friday night.”

  “Wow, that’s really generous, I really should thank her.”

  I smile; the idea of Jake one day meeting my gran is such a lovely thought. I just know she would really like him.

  Jake insists on walking me the majority of the way home, although he now accepts that he can’t walk me to the front door like he would prefer.

  “Listen, you’ve now got the phone I gave you so if you ever need to get in contact with me, don’t even hesitate. I’m always here for you, ok? Don’t even think twice about calling me if you need to.”