Always & Forever

by Crossley, Lauren

  “I’ve seriously had enough of this. I don’t want you and I’ll never want you again. We will never be together; you need to forget about me and move on with your own life.”

  “No! I can’t! You’re not thinking clearly, you need me. I love you so much, Jake. We’re meant to be together, we have a connection that no one can break, what we shared… what happened can bring us closer. Don’t give up on us, baby, please…” She wraps her bony arms around my waist and people start jeering as she presses her body right up against mine. The dress she’s wearing is extremely short and a couple of months ago I’d have been thinking how hot she looks but when I close my eyes the only face I see is Bethany. She’s somehow worked her way into my every thought, I’ve never wanted anything so badly and the girl clinging onto me right now is nothing but a reminder of my past.

  “Don’t you dare talk to me about what happened! I don’t want to hear it, do you understand? I won’t be held responsible for my actions if you push this any further, Sarah. Now I’m only going to ask you one more time to leave. Don’t make me throw you out.”

  She tightens her hold onto my waist and I desperately try to control my temper. I’ve never been violent to her before but she’s seriously pushing her luck. I can’t bear to even look at her. The fact that she even thinks I would enter into a relationship with her again proves how insane she really is.

  “You’ve met someone else, haven’t you?”

  Her blue eyes turn ice cold as she narrows at them at me and her whole expression changes to one of contempt. There’s even more people gathering around us now, I’d tell them to get lost and go home but a part of me wants everyone here to understand that we’re over. I don’t want her to distort the truth, I don’t want anybody to think that me and Sarah are still an item and she also needs to hear the cold hard truth.

  “That’s none of your damn business.” I don’t want to deny Bethany’s existence but I know Sarah and she can be poisonous. If she finds out about Bethany she’ll make it her personal mission to find out who she is and then cause trouble for her. I’m determined not to involve Bethany in this fucked up mess and that’s exactly what I’d be doing if I tell Sarah about her.

  “If you’ve met someone else I swear to God I will kill her. Who is it? Who is she? Is she here?” Her eyes start searching the crowd surrounding us as though she’ll instantaneously know who she’s looking for.

  “Just go!” I yell ferociously, finally managing to remove her arms from around my waist.

  The music’s been blaring throughout our entire argument, increasing the volume of our voices so we could be heard over the music. I only stop and pause when Chris Brown’s ‘Loyal’ starts to play over the speakers. I remember listening to this track just a few weeks ago. I played it over and over again after my breakup with Sarah, convinced that all women were no good and only out for what they could get. I swore to myself that I would never be fooled by one again and hearing this track now after all this time instantly transports me back to the darkest place I’ve ever been. When I weigh up how things were for me back then to how they are now… there’s no comparison. There was only one person strong enough to pull me out from the shadows and that was Bethany.

  I was so caught up in being angry, I was full of rage and bitterness after I found out what Sarah did. I despised all women and my intention was to use them before they would even have a chance to use me. For the longest time I was searching for the man I wanted to be, I didn’t know where to start and my anger was making it impossible for me to begin the journey I needed to take to become a better person.

  I suddenly realise how my life has changed over the last couple of months. I am different. I’m a better person than I used to be and I can only thank Bethany and my newfound feelings for her for my miraculous change of character. She inexplicably managed to dispel all of the negative, judgemental feelings I had towards women by showing me that they’re not all like Sarah.

  Regardless of how incensed I was with her, I don’t wish for Sarah to experience what I did. I isolated myself and became more and more resentful. I was consumed by bitterness and I wouldn’t wish that on anybody, not even Sarah. I want her to move on, I want her to find peace but I can’t be the one to help her. I need to say goodbye to her and in return she also has to let me go. If only I could make her see how necessary this is for the both of us if we want a better future for ourselves.

  “If you take me back I promise you I’ll never hurt you again.” She grabs a handful of my shirt in both hands, clinging to me in utter desperation. Her tears have caused her mascara to run down her face and the black rivers that remain make her look even more desolate and unhinged.

  Feeling helpless, I look around for someone that can help me with this fucked up situation. The friend of Sarah’s who I spoke to only a few minutes ago is now nowhere to be seen and no one else seems to be willing to help me out. They’re obviously enjoying the show far too much to try and bring it to an end.

  “I don’t want you, Sarah. I don’t know how else to say it.”

  “You are with someone else! I knew it! I hate you, Jake. I hate you so fucking much! How can you do this to me?” She falls to the ground, sobbing and pulling on her hair, making her appear more deranged than ever.

  “I haven’t done anything to you. I didn’t cheat on you.”

  “So you have met someone?” She glares up at me, her malevolent eyes burning with hatred and malice.

  “I said it’s none of your business.”

  “I’ll find out who she is, Jake. You know I will. That bitch needs to watch her back because when I find out who she is I’ll kill her!”

  I yank her up by her arm and close the gap between us so our faces are only inches apart.

  “You will never find out who she is and I will never allow you to hurt her. You won’t ever get to touch a single hair on her head, I promise you that.”

  I’m rough when I release my firm grip on her arm. I give her a final look of warning before I turn my back on her and walk towards the house. I can hear her screaming my name behind me but I refuse to turn back. I ignore her pleading and demand that everyone else leave before I make them.

  Sarah’s friend must finally help her out by convincing her to leave which I suppose is better late than never. Once the majority of people have left I make my way over to Carla and Leanne who are still waiting for me where I left them. They didn’t witness my confrontation with Sarah but I can guess that they heard a lot of it from where they were stood.

  I try my best to reassure them but they both look shaken up and I can’t help but feel guilty for not being able to rid them of that fear. The three of us go back inside and when Carla tells me they’ve had no luck in trying to contact mum I make my way upstairs to my bedroom. I really need the peace and quiet and desperately want some time alone.

  I’m deep in thought, trying to process everything that’s happened tonight when I hear a timid little knock on my bedroom door. It can only be Carla no one else would bother to knock; they’d just barge right in. I call out for her to come in and she hesitantly opens the door.

  “What’s up?” I make a point of smiling at her, trying to put her at ease. Carla has no need to be afraid of me and I never want her to be.

  When she was younger she would often come into my bedroom if she was feeling afraid. This was quite often because we all were forced to overhear our dad beating up our mum when we were children. I remember placing my hands over her ears so she wouldn’t have to hear it. There was no one to cover my ears and even though I was still a child myself I would force myself to listen and I promised myself that one day I’d get him back for all of the misery he continued to inflict upon all of us. I was determined that one day I would be strong enough to take him on and make him sorry for every single time he would raise his fist to my mum. That was why I finally threw a chair at him on my sixteenth birthday, I had reached the age when I could fight back and I don’t regret that day for a single moment, t
he day I stood up for me and my family. The day he left and the violence went away with him.

  I think that’s why I still feel so protective over Carla. Yes, I’d murder anyone who hurt Leanne or Katie but they’re older and much more capable of sticking up for themselves than Carla. She’s never really fit in with our family, she deserves so much more than us, she deserves so much better than the parents she was born to.

  “I came to see if you’re ok?” She says quietly.

  Her dark hair is black like mine and she wears it down so it covers the majority of her face. It reminds of Bethany; they both use their hair like a curtain and hide behind it when they’re feeling uncomfortable or uneasy. That’s where the similarities end, Bethany is really fair skinned, unlike me and my sisters who all share the same olive skin tone which we inherited from our dad.

  “I’m ok. I’m sorry if I frightened you tonight, I don’t know if you saw or heard anything that went on between me and Sarah but I never meant for you to see anything like that.” I’m sitting on my bed and wonder why she’s still over by the doorway, it’s as though she’s scared she might have to make a quick exit and I’m sickened by the fact that she’s now hesitant to be around me.

  “You didn’t frighten me, Jake. I admit that it was a little scary back there for a second but it wasn’t because of you.”

  “Then why are you all the way over there? Why are you hiding out near the door?” I challenge her, raising my eyebrows up at her in question.

  “Ok, I guess I was a little nervous about checking on you. I’ve never seen you like that before, Jake.”

  “I’m sorry. You’ll never see me like that again, I promise you.”

  “It wasn’t your fault, it was mine. I’m the one who called you and I shouldn’t have.”

  “What are you talking about? How many times have I made you promise to call me if you need any help? You did the right thing and only did what I’ve always asked you to do.”

  Over the last few weeks my family have become really curious when it comes to where I keep disappearing to on a Friday night. I’ve refused to tell them anything about Bethany because she’s now the best part of my life and I want to keep how I feel about her private. It’s kind of pathetic to admit but I like the idea of having something of my own, something secret and personal that no one else can intrude upon.

  “You’re sure I made the right choice in phoning you? My call probably ruined your evening.” She says doubtfully.

  “There’s no doubt about it. I still want you to promise me that I’ll always be the first person you call when you’re in a crisis. Promise me, Carla.”

  I really want her to know that I’ll never be too far away. I don’t want her to lose her faith in mankind, I’m the only person she can truly rely on, I can’t take that away from her and I refuse to.

  “I promise.”

  She continues to hover around the doorway and I know she’s dying to ask me something.

  “What is it? I know you want to say something, Carla.”

  “It’s none of my business but I’m just wondering about what Sarah said, have you met somebody else?”

  “Yes.” I don’t even think about my reply, it’s the truth and I’m sick of lying about it. I won’t deny Bethany’s existence for a moment longer.

  “Wow, that’s… great. How did you meet her?”

  “That’s not really important. All that matters is I have met someone, someone I really want to be with but we’ve not quite reached that stage yet. I don’t know if she’s ready and I don’t want to risk scaring her away.”

  Carla nods her head in understanding, even though I’m pretty sure she still has something she wants to ask me.

  “What’s she like?”

  I’m completely taken aback by her question; it’s a peculiar feeling talking about Bethany with a member of my family, especially when I’ve kept the two of them separate up until now.

  “I’m not sure if I can sum her up in a couple of sentences, it wouldn’t do her justice.” I pause, wondering where I could even start when trying to describe Bethany.

  “You must be able to come up with something.” Carla encourages me.

  “Ok, erm… at first she appears to be kind of shy but at the same time she’s really feisty. She won’t take any bullshit, you know? She’s beautiful and I mean really beautiful. She’s tiny, she looks like this fragile and petite girl but her strength is astonishing. Aw, Carla, she’s amazing and I’d spend every single moment with her if I could.” I grin, remembering the first time I met Bethany. I tried my very best to charm her that night but she wasn’t having any of it. It’s almost like I instinctively knew she was going to be incredibly important to me and I truly believe that the transition I’ve made lately to become a better person has been in preparation for her, to be worthy of someone so remarkable.

  “She sounds like a keeper.”

  “She is. Believe me when I say that I have no intention of messing this up.” I’ve never been so determined to make something work in my entire life.

  “I’m glad because I’ve missed you, Jake. You haven’t been yourself for the last couple of months, you’ve been so dark and angry but I’ve seen a change in you over the last couple of weeks. You seem happier and more at peace with yourself, now I know the reason why.”

  “It’s because of her, because of Bethany.” I say without any uncertainty.

  “That’s her name?”

  “Yeah, it’s perfect, right?”

  “Jake, I think you would believe anything about this girl to be perfect.” She says playfully.

  “You’re probably right.” I chuckle, dragging my fingers through my hair.

  “Well, I’m going to go to bed. I’m glad you’re ok, Jake.”

  “Goodnight, baby sis.”

  She pokes her tongue out at me before closing my bedroom door behind her and leaving me to my thoughts.

  I continue to call my mum’s mobile but there’s no answer. I wait another hour for her to arrive home or get in touch with me but when I hear nothing from her I realise that I’m going to have to go back out and look for her. I’m supposed to be at work in an hour but I won’t be able to rest until I find my mum and know she’s safe. I decide to wait another thirty minutes before I phone work and tell them that I can’t come in. They won’t be happy about it but I need to find her. She’s my mum and I’d despise myself forever in anything happened to her.

  My mind automatically drifts back over to Bethany. That kiss we shared this evening was incredible. I’ve never experienced anything like it; I didn’t know that it was possible to get so turned on from just a kiss. What arouses me the most is the fact that she’s so inexperienced. She has this underlying innocence about her and maybe it’s fucked up to admit this but it makes me want her even more. I’d pretty much figured out that she was a virgin but to hear her say it nearly made me explode with desperation to change that for her.

  To be honest, I don’t think I would have been able to handle it if I knew another man had touched her. Just the thought of it fills me with such an intense and uncontrollable rage, it makes me want to kill whoever it was that laid his hand on her and it didn’t even happen. Even hearing her mention that guy she was friendly with in college makes me crazy. I know I don’t have a right to be angry about that but I already think of her as being mine and the thought that there was anyone before me, even if they were only friends makes me envious to the point of going insane.

  I don’t even know where I found the strength from to stop kissing her, she looked so beautiful. It was breathtaking to observe and that’s why I needed to hear her tell me that she wanted me, I had to know that I wasn’t the only one who was feeling it. I didn’t want to feel alone in the madness or the obsession that exists between us. My restraint was tested even further when she actually confessed how much she wanted me.

  I feel sick to my stomach when I think about what Bethany would say if she knew about my past, if she knew about all of the gir
ls I’ve been with and about my history with Sarah. One day I hope to feel secure and comfortable within our relationship to be able to tell her the truth but until then I cannot risk losing her. I realise that I’m not even close to being worthy of her but like I told her, I’m too selfish to give her up. Nothing and no one will keep us apart and of this I am certain.

  Chapter Ten

  Bethany

  “So how is he?” Gran nudges me as soon as mum walks out of the sitting room and into the kitchen. She has a mischievous grin on her face and I know she’s dying to hear all the details about my meeting with Jake last night. I’m sitting on the floor by the foot of her armchair but I still lower my voice to make sure we won’t be overheard.

  “He’s amazing, Gran. I’ve never met anybody like him, when I’m with him I don’t want our time together to end and when we’re apart all I can think about is the next time I’ll see him. I feel giddy every second of every day and I don’t want to eat or sleep or think of anything other than him, am I making any sense?”

  Gran chuckles lightly and I can’t help but smile at my sheer incompetence to describe how I feel. I wonder if this is how a typical addict feels when they’re in the midst of their newfound addiction. The whirlwind of emotions that I deal with on a daily basis are unlike anything I’ve ever experience before, it’s extraordinary.

  Everything in my life now revolves around Jake; he never strays far from my thoughts, not even for a moment and this fact alone is terrifying I’m mentally exhausted from all of my contemplation but I honestly don’t feel like I have the strength or the power to force myself not to think about him.

  “I remember those feelings well and I also know that they can be a blessing or a curse. Sometimes the experience of first love can ruin you forever, some people spend their whole lives trying to recreate what they felt with their first love and the tragic thing is they don’t realise that this is impossible. It never lasts forever, it’s not supposed to. Even if you stay with the same person your whole life, the way you feel about them will inevitably change. I want you to remember this moment, Bethany. I want you to cherish every single moment and savour your memories, keep them safe and locked away within your heart. If you do this then you will always have your youth to look back on when you’re old and grey like me. Why do you think I still have that one remaining twinkle in my eye? It’s because I still remember that feeling, the one you’re experiencing right now for the very first time, if it’s strong enough you’ll be able to remember it in fifty years time, you’ll still think about the days when you felt you needed his presence like you need air.”