Always & Forever

by Crossley, Lauren

  I decided to persevere with phoning Bethany as I made my way over towards the muffled voices. I didn’t take my eyes off my phone, hoping she would at least have the decency to let me know she was ok. In the distance I could hear the sound of a phone ringing and it only took me a few seconds before I realised it the phone I could hear was Bethany’s.

  It was that moment when I felt my heart violently break in two. Before she ran away from me she taunted me with the idea of being with Callum and I was consumed by a dreadful feeling that I was about to catch the two of them together. I imagined Bethany phoning him just to spite me and mentally prepared myself for what I was about to witness. I thought seeing her with someone else would kill me but nothing and I mean absolutely nothing on this earth could have prepared me for the sight I actually saw.

  I knew it was my girl when I saw her on the ground. She’s so tiny; I’d recognise her small frame anywhere. An animal was on top of her and I could see her legs underneath him, lashing out in an attempt to fight him off. She was powerless against his strength and it repulsed me to see someone harming the thing I love most in this world. I knew what was about to happen, what that evil bastard was trying to do and it made my blood boil with fury.

  The internal explosion which erupted inside of me was indescribable. My sole intention: to annihilate the son of bitch who thought he could touch her and get away with it. That was the only thought in my head as I raced over towards them; I was going to murder him. It wasn’t a conscious decision, I only wanted to act on my instincts and my primal instincts were screaming at me to destroy him before he hurt what was mine.

  I wanted more as soon as I started to beat him. Pummelling my fists against his face wasn’t enough, I wanted to draw blood. I was intent on exacting my revenge and I had no intention of stopping. Remembering the uncontrollable rage that was coursing through my veins causes me to clench my fists.

  I’m on my way home but find myself interrupting my journey to stop and take a deep breath. I try counting to ten and then to a hundred but nothing works. My anger is vapidly increasing and I’m struggling to cope with the urges I feel to hurt somebody. Why the hell did I let her talk me into leaving him? I can’t erase the sickening image of him on top of her and every time I see it in my head, my heart rate accelerates. I feel as though my mind is close to shattering into a million pieces. I remember the fear in her eyes and so help me God, I still want revenge.

  Bethany’s voice was the only thing that managed to resonate with me when I was in the midst of my frenzy. I knew if I didn’t stop what I was doing I’d go straight to prison and the pain of leaving her would be too great. How could I leave her all alone with no one to protect her? I couldn’t do it, no matter how badly I wanted to end the fucker who tried to rape her.

  The idea of being apart from her is too agonising to even contemplate. I had to ask myself whether I could handle a twenty year separation from her and of course the answer was a definitive no. It’s my job to protect her and how would I be able to do that in prison? I’ve made so many mistakes, I’ve fucked up more things than I can remember but keeping her safe, taking care of her and keeping her from harm is the one thing I know I can do right.

  I’m nothing without her; she’s the entire reason for my existence. If anything were to take her from me… I don’t think I’d be able to survive. I know she loves me, she doesn’t want to live without me but the reality is I can’t live without her.

  I was adamant we weren’t going to help him. What kind of man would I be if I actually called the paramedics for the piece of shit? Knowing what he was going to do to her fuels the anger that’s already been building up inside of me. It becomes so great I’m wrestling with myself to contain it. I place my hands on my knees, trying to calm myself down. I got to her in time, she’s safe and that’s all that matters. It’s harder for me without her actual presence, she’s not here for me to talk to and she’s not here to reassure me that she really is ok. She told me he didn’t touch her; if he had there’s no way I would have let her drag me away from him. He shoved her to the ground and that’s enough for me to want him dead. If he had actually touched her… it would have been the last thing he’d ever done.

  I consider turning around and going back to her house. I should just barge the front door down, throw her over my shoulder and take her with me. I shouldn’t have let her go home tonight; she should be with me. I just need to find a way of convincing her.

  I rake my fingers through my hair, tugging on it forcefully. It’s not enough. The unmistakeable awareness of my fury resurfaces. I have an urge, a need to destroy something. My anger needs to be released before it explodes. My knuckles are already sore and scraped but I ignore the excruciating pain, repeatedly smashing my fist against the garden wall in front of me. There’s no rationality to what I’m doing and I have to bite down on my lower lip to stop myself from screaming out in pain. Despite the excruciating agony, it’s not enough to stop me doing it again. Eventually, the blood pouring from my hands forces me to stop. I need to get a grip; I’m going to drive myself crazy if I carry on like this. Bethany deserves better and I need to get home.

  Every moment I was with her tonight was difficult. It was so hard for me to reign in my anger and keep a hold of things. I forced myself to keep up with the pretence, even after we arrived back at her gran’s house. I made sure I put her first; I wanted her to feel secure and safe. She needed me to be a caring and considerate boyfriend and that’s exactly what I tried to be for her.

  I still can’t shake the undeniable feeling of guilt. Guilt for what Sarah did, shame for letting Bethany run off like that and I’m also struggling with my guilt over what happened in the shower between us. I didn’t plan on making love to her tonight but when she asked me to help her forget… I was unable to resist her. Her innocence is what makes her so alluring to me; it’s still such a huge turn for me to know that I’m the first and only man to touch her, the only one who has been inside of her.

  I don’t understand how she’s so oblivious. She’s completely unaware of how beautiful she really is. She’s perfect and she’s the only one who doesn’t seem to notice. She’s so extraordinary, it’s made me careless. Since we first had sex we’ve only used condoms a couple of times. I can’t resist her and the thought of releasing myself inside of her is too fucking tempting for words, making me the only one to blame for our carelessness. I should have learnt my lesson after what happened with Sarah and I swore I would never fuck without a condom ever again. I swore I would never be tricked and never again take the word of a bitch who assured me she was on the pill.

  The next time I see Bethany I really need to talk to her about contraception. We can’t keep having unprotected sex but I’m weak and I don’t have the strength to pull out of her. The thought of wearing a rubber, of anything separating us doesn’t thrill me either. It would be so much easier if she could go on the pill, of course whilst she’s living at home with her father it’s impossible. I don’t want to be the arrogant prick who puts his own desires first but that’s exactly what I’ve been over the last few days, taking her without a condom is the most selfish, egotistical thing I’ve done in a while and I plan on rectifying this as soon as possible. Before I met Bethany sex was always meaningless. I never even thought of it as something more profound than fucking. I’m ashamed of the person I used to be and I cringe when I think about my numerous sexual encounters that meant absolutely nothing to me.

  I hope everything’s ok at home. I switched my phone off as soon as I found Bethany, not wanting us to be disturbed. My entire focus needed to be on her and that’s why I’m only now switching on my phone. I made sure I’d chased everyone out before I left the party so there shouldn’t have been any more trouble. I doubt anyone would have outstayed their welcome, they’re too afraid of me. I’m still debating whether that’s a good thing or not.

  My fists are dripping with blood and throbbing. All my skin is grazed and ripped open, it’s not a pretty sight an
d I need to get home and put some ice on it. I also need to burn these fucking clothes. I didn’t tell Bethany but I’m pretty sure I broke plenty of that guy’s bones tonight. His nose definite cracked as well as several of his ribs. The certainty of this validates the pain and discomfort of my torn open fists. I hate the fact she had to witness what I did; I never wanted her to see that side of me, the part of myself I’ve tried to keep hidden. I really thought the darkness had left me but I was shocked to see how quickly it resurfaced tonight. It goes to show I can’t be held responsible for my actions when it comes to her.

  I come to a stop when I reach my driveway, reluctant to go inside. I eventually let myself in the front door and plan on heading straight upstairs to bed before I see anyone. The noise from the TV in the living room is a clear sign mum hasn’t gone to bed yet. The door leading through to the sitting room is unexpectedly thrown open and the sight of mother’s angry face lets me know that I’m not going to be able to sneak upstairs without her knowledge.

  “Where the hell have you been?” She yells accusingly.

  “Not now, Mum. I’ve had a fucking awful night and all I want to do now is go straight to bed.”

  I try to move past her but she grabs a hold of my arm, preventing me from moving any further.

  “Not so fast. Look at the state of you, Jake. What the hell have you been doing?”

  “Like you give a shit.” I retort contemptuously.

  I’m rewarded by a razor-sharp slap right across the face. It’s the first time she’s hit me and I glower at her disdainfully. We’re both startled by a timid intake of breath and I look up to see a frightened Carla standing in the doorway to the living room. I didn’t know she was still up and I’m furious with myself for not checking first.

  “I was worried about you.” She mutters miserably, her eyes cast down to the floor.

  “I’m fine, everything’s ok.” I assure her.

  “Jake, I want to know where you’ve been. I arrived home to find Sarah in hysterics, she was distraught and I want to know what you did to her.” My mum demands, taking a step closer towards me.

  “I did nothing to her. She’s the one causing all the damage.”

  “You need to show her some respect, Jake. She was pregnant with your baby or have you already forgotten now you’ve got your new tramp to occupy yourself with?”

  I clench my injured fists in fury. I would never lay a finger on my own mum but her words are equivalent to pouring salt on a very painful, unhealed wound.

  “Respect? You don’t even know the meaning of the word. She didn’t show me or my baby any respect when I caught her fucking someone else right after her miscarriage. I don’t ever want to see her in this house again, my future wife won’t like it and neither will I. Sarah means absolutely nothing to me, do you understand?” I yell, clenching my teeth.

  I can’t have this conversation for another second longer. I don’t even give my mum a chance to respond, marching past her and straight to my room. I slam my bedroom door and tear the clothes from my body, throwing on a pair of jogging bottoms and a T-shirt. I meant what I said to Bethany earlier, I want no reminder of tonight and will burn those tainted garments as soon as possible.

  A timid knock on the door startles me and I fling it open, angry with the person behind it and disturbing me. Of course its Carla, I should have known she’s the only member of this family polite enough to knock.

  “I just wanted to make sure that you’re ok.” She says meekly.

  “I’m ok, Sis. How about you?”

  She glances down at the floor, tucking her hair back behind her ears.

  “I’m ok but I was really worried about you when you left, where did you go?”

  “I had to make sure that Bethany was ok.” I reply vaguely.

  “I’m so sorry about tonight, Jake. I shouldn’t have called you when you were with her. I know how much trouble I must have caused between you and I’m so sorry. I had no idea Sarah was even here tonight.” She mumbles apologetically.

  “Carla, none of this is your fault. I’m always telling you to call me if you need me and that’s exactly what you did. As for Sarah, I’ll deal with her tomorrow.” I say decidedly.

  “Don’t do anything foolish, Jake.” She warns me, worry etched all over her face.

  “I just need to speak to her and make a few things clear, that’s all. Anyway, where were you, Carla? I looked everywhere for you but you were nowhere to be found.”

  “I’d locked myself in my bedroom, waiting for you to come home. By the time I realised everyone had gone you had already left.”

  “What about Katie and Leanne? Where are they?” I ask, instantly concerned about my sister’s whereabouts.

  “I don’t know. They left as soon as the party ended.”

  I sigh in frustration, reaching for my phone to call them. If they don’t answer then I have no choice but to go out and look for them. I’ll start by visiting every single one of their friend’s houses; surely I’ll find them with one of them. I phone Katie first but there’s no answer, I leave her a message to call me back and then try Leanne. She picks up on the sixth ring and I quickly realise I’ve woke her up by the sound of her voice which is all groggy and bewildered. She assures me she’s alright and that Katie’s with her at their friend’s house. Feeling utterly worn out and exhausted, I choose to believe her, hang up and close my eyes, trying to banish all of the tension I can feel building up again.

  “I’ve never seen you like this before, Jake.” Carla whispers.

  “What do you mean?” I ask, opening my eyes to narrow them at her.

  “You really care for her, don’t you?”

  “I more than care for her, I love her.”

  “I suppose it had to happen at some point.” She jokes.

  The next morning, I make my way over to Sarah’s. It’s the last place on earth I want to go but I really don’t have a choice. There are things I need to know and more than a few things I have to say to her. My goal is to make her see that I belong to someone else. She also needs to understand how I never belonged to her in the first place.

  I notice her eyes are all red and swollen as soon as she answers the door. Her face lights up when she sees me, her blue eyes sparkle with hope, hope I immediately have to destroy.

  “We need to talk.” I say tersely.

  “Come in.” She smiles at me optimistically, moving to the side so I can go in.

  I make my way into the house, dreading the conversation we’re about to have. She leads me into the sitting room and I’m surprised to find it empty. I expected to see her dad on the sofa, he rarely moves from the area in front of the TV. He’s a lazy, good for nothing waste of space that spends twenty hours of his day drunk. I’ve always disliked him and that’s why I’m glad to see he’s not here.

  “They’re both out.” She says quietly.

  I nod, glancing at the sofa, wondering if I should take a seat or not.

  “There are some things that I want to say to you and in return, I want some answers.” I say curtly.

  “Why don’t you sit down? Would you like a drink?” She offers me, a friendly, hopeful smile on her face.

  I narrow my eyes at her; I still don’t get how the girl standing in front of me right now be the same girl who wreaked havoc on my relationship last night. Sarah’s mood swings have always been pretty crazy; she can be your worst nightmare one minute and your best friend the next. Her personality changes and her complex emotional turnarounds were always too much for me to handle.

  “I’m ok.”

  I decide to sit down, hoping she’ll stay this calm and level headed after she hears what I have to say. She hesitantly joins me on the sofa, leaving plenty of distance between us. She’s obviously wondering why I’m not acting like I’m furious with her. I’m just about to explain things when she beats me to it.

  “I’m sorry about last night. What I did was wrong and I know I completely overreacted.” She mumbles, wringing her hands toget
her nervously.

  “Overreacted?! You attack my girlfriend, you purposefully went for her and you’re saying you overreacted? You set out to ruin my relationship with her and you also told her all about the miscarriage! Do you hate me that much? Do you want to see me hurt? Is that what all of this is about?”

  “No! Jake, that’s the last thing I want. I love you.”

  I can’t help notice the lone tear falling down her cheek. I’m not a complete arsehole and part of me is grappling with the idea of trying to console her.

  “Sarah, you don’t love me, you just think you do.” I say wearily.

  “How do you know what I feel?” She snaps, furiously wiping away her tears.

  For the first time I identify a real vulnerability to her, something I’ve never seen in her before.

  “If you really loved me you wouldn’t have done what you did last night.”

  “I already told you how sorry I am for that. I know I’ve been acting crazy lately, I’ve been a nightmare but that’s only because I’ve been so lonely without you. I want us to be together, Jake. I want us to go back to how we were before I lost the baby. I want us to try again.”

  I inhale sharply. God, it still hurts, it really fucking hurts to hear her talk about it. It brings it all back and I remember things I’d do anything to forget.