Love with Every Beat

by K. L. Shandwick

  In a moment of weakness our eyes connected but before I could allow the feelings to consume me and ruin what I was trying to achieve, I willed myself to move her leg aside and stand.

  “Just going to get some snacks, I’ll be right back. It’s only just before nine, can you stay?” I could see right away she was beginning to overthink it, so I added, “Please? I hate watching movies alone. I can’t share the good parts if no one is here.” Lily considered my request for a moment then agreed.

  Lily didn’t like the second movie as much as the first and her body language was all over the place. One minute leaning forward in an ‘I can’t believe what I’m seeing,’ gesture, the next she was hiding behind her hands or burying her head in the couch again.

  I couldn’t help but laugh softly at her reactions. She really was so damned adorable.

  “Come here, let me hold you, it’ll help you relax.” My mouth took over my head again and there I was, offering to hold her. It was out there, and fuck if I’d never wanted anything so badly. “Why did we bother with the safeword if you’re not going to need it?” I smirked at her reactions, first her face was a picture of shock at me even suggesting it, and then I saw the conflict, could she do it? Followed by the challenge in her eyes. Lily was going to try.

  She breathed out slowly and moved nervously beside me, her knees tucked up near my leg. My arm immediately slipped around her, her body melding into it. I swore to myself silently, for not being able to press my lips to her beautiful neck.

  Lily was so damned close, the smell of her rose scented body spray lingering and melding with the vanilla shampoo and the smell of Lily herself. My other arm rested on her belly, and it took all my reserve willpower not to slip it under her blouse to feel her fabulous skin.

  She was struggling, her body wound tightly like a coil, and she was biting her thumbnail nervously. I slid lower on the couch, making myself more comfortable again and taking her with me. I pretended not to take much notice of her, but my body was screaming for more. Pulling her thumb from her mouth, I laced the fingers of her hand in mine to stop her biting it, and to have at least one part of my body flush with hers, even if it was only our palms.

  My heartbeat soared the minute she relaxed and melded into my body, and I fought hard not to squeeze her even closer. Her defenses had dropped, and eventually her head landed on my chest. When I looked down it seemed kind of like she belonged there.

  It didn’t matter what we were supposed to be watching. Concentrating on the movie from that moment onwards was never going to happen for me. Lily was in my arms, and it was more than I’d ever hoped for again. She had my complete and undivided attention. Lily’s scent was intoxicating. Engrossed in how tiny her body felt, the way her waist dipped under her ribcage, and the way she nuzzled her hair to find the perfect spot on my chest to place her head. Even just the feeling of warmth radiate through her clothing as she melded into me. It was just perfect.

  Despite my best attempts to dampen my thirst for her, my dick was straining in my pants, causing me to ease myself down a tad in an effort to escape the knot in the seam of my jeans. The more time passed, the more relaxed she became, until she eventually nodded off.

  Glancing down at her, my heartbeat was already playing some weird percussion as I cradled her in my arms and have to admit ‘if only’ passed through my mind more than once during the time I held her.

  Lily was so fucking lovely sleeping in my arms. The lightest feeling in my chest of complete contentment and calmness came over me. It was something I realized had been missing for so long until I was sitting there with her, like being able to fully expand my lungs for the first time.

  Getting lost in my thoughts, I wasn’t conscious that I had been stroking her hair slowly. The movie had ended, and I was staring at the blue screen. Lily’s eyes fluttered open and tilting her head, she stared up at me, and my heart did a dance in my chest at the look she gave me.

  She tensed and began to pull away from me, but I tightened my grip on her hip. I wasn’t ready to let her go. Wild horses couldn’t have dragged me away from her at that point. “Shush, it’s okay, you fell asleep, no rush,” I whispered, smiling slowly down at her. She gave me a sleepy smile and relaxed, melding into me once more, and drifting back to sleep again.

  We sat there like that for almost two hours, her warmth radiating into me, my warmth radiating toward her. If I could have anything I wanted in my life at that point, I knew I would have chosen Lily.

  Why didn’t I ever get a break in my personal life? Everything that I am was because of other people. I was the emotionally broken guy from the death of my parents and from the death of Gary. Constantly being driven out of loyalty to him and the grief of his loss was what made me turn back to escorting in order to provide for his girl and her daughter.

  I was the fucked-up guy stuck in the here and now because of it all; because of the things I’ve faced, that I was still facing. Things that prevented me from offering a girl like Lily more than a ‘fuck buddy’ arrangement. And I’d treated her so badly because of the one time I couldn’t keep my fucking hormones in check. The only thing in life that was going right for me was my band. We’re all in that together. No matter what.

  Chapter 22 – Firestone Live

  Since my parents died, I have never really felt much for anyone or anything, and I never allowed myself the luxury of getting emotional. Emotions screwed with thoughts and thoughts led to feelings I couldn’t afford to have.

  Numbness was way better, ‘cuz once that emotional shit started, it was like a fucking revolving door, passing pity parties, hurt, and rejection. The shit it stirred up was better left to settle deep down. Besides I couldn’t allow myself to feel while I had so much stuff to take care of.

  She murmured in her sleep, “Stay with me, Alfie. Why can’t you love me?” The breath I sucked in was so deep I swear the shock of it stopped my heart. It stopped long enough that I was beginning to think it wouldn’t ever beat again. Then it seemed to flounder a bit, before finding its usual strong rhythm.

  I almost freaked the fuck out when Lily said that, and the panic was rising from somewhere deep inside me to placate her by moving myself gradually along the leather couch until she was resting in the warm spot I had just vacated.

  Easing myself away from her, I stood staring down at her, running my fingers through my hair, in a state of shock at what she just said. She needed more from me, and I knew that she wasn’t just someone I could make go away. Hell if I was honest, I didn’t want her to go away either. I couldn’t believe that I had been treating her like she was so insignificant.

  My eyes ticked slowly over her as she slept, lying curled up on her side, with her arm suspended in mid-air hanging off of the couch. She was all trusting and innocent looking, and damn if I hadn’t wanted to scoop her up and take her to bed and hold her like I’d never let her go.

  I shook my head and rubbed the back of my neck as I turned and headed for the stairs. After pulling out a chenille throw from the closet I went back down and gently placed it over her, then went back to my bedroom. Putting space between us. Treating her like a friend.

  I was so fucking exhausted of fighting the battle going on between my head, heart, and dick. I felt drained of every last ounce of energy. Sleep didn’t come as quick as I wanted either, so again, all the crazy shit that was my life swirled around in there until sometime way into the night when I finally conked out.

  The sound of her car leaving my driveway woke me. Lily was gone. It was still dark and my heart sunk at the thought that she’d left, and I might never have the chance to talk to her again. Then again, it was probably better that way. I lay awake, thinking—this time about Kara and Poppy and what else I could do to help her to a better life for the both of our sakes.

  When I woke again, it was later than usual for me. I covered my morning routine in about twenty minutes and headed to campus thinking I’d still have plenty of time before the first studio session started.


  Douche was sitting on a stone marker when I drove up, so I decided to fuck with his head. “Hey, dude, where’s the chick you’re usually wrapping yourself around?” The way Will reacted was like he was going to protest again, then when his eyes couldn’t make contact with mine, he realized that I was on to him. I wanted to laugh out loud.

  Everything in his face said, I wish, but he forced down a swallow and plastered on the fakest smile I’d ever seen. “Huh? Oh, Lily, you mean. She’s not here yet.” I smirked because it was time to work my magic on Douche, even mentioning her name seemed to make him get all flustered. “You didn’t bag her last night then? What the fuck is wrong with you, dude? Batting for the other side?”

  Will’s fists clenched, and he narrowed his eyes at me, but I was having way too much fun watching him get pissed and contain it to feel sorry for him. “I told you yesterday we’re just friends, Alfie.”

  Douche looked uncomfortable with where the conversation was heading, and I couldn’t help but give him a salacious smirk, and an all- boys- together type grin followed. “Friends? Nothing more? You want to tap that? Or are you happy for me to score with her, ’cuz I’d certainly tap that in a heartbeat.”

  Lily had arrived and was just getting out of her car as the chat was getting interesting. I leaned in and placed my hand on Will’s forearm for effect. “And speak of the devil, dude that is one fine piece of ass right there. Wait here.”

  Wandering over to her, aware that Will had sat back on the bench waiting and looking extremely pissed when he thought I was making a move on Lily, I smirked again. Pussy. When I reached Lily, some of my bravado slipped.

  I was trying to read her mood and hesitated, then when I thought she found me acceptable, leaned in and kissed her lightly on the cheek. We both had goose-bumps from that simple contact. “Hey,” I said slowly. “You were so peaceful last night I thought it best to leave you sleeping.”

  She gave me a soft smile. It melted my heart. “What time did you leave?” I asked, my eyes taking in her outfit and the smell of her. The girl turned me on and made me notice stuff I’d never been aware of in a woman before unless we were getting intimate.

  She shrugged. “Late.” Lily was smiling but looked coy.

  “I really enjoyed last night.”

  At the same time both of our lips curved up into huge smiles. “Yeah, it was really nice. I liked it, thank you,” she agreed, and my heart swelled in my chest that she felt the same.

  “You want to hang with my band tonight? We’re playing in Orlando.”

  Lily hadn’t heard us play yet, and I really wanted her opinion about us. Suddenly it mattered to me what she thought of me as a musician. I’d seen and heard her, so it was only fair I reciprocate. “Can Will and Saffy come as well?”

  The mention of Douche annoyed me, but I hid it well. If it meant we had to drag him along with us to make it happen then I would suck it up and deal with that. “Yeah, why not, we’re going down in a minivan. It’ll be a late night though.”

  We agreed to arrange times later, and she turned to look at Will. He was beginning to stand and walk toward her, and I was fucked if I’d stand there while he was eye fucking and pawing her. I was about to say something but she suddenly dismissed me like we were done. “I’ll catch you later, Alfie. Will’s a little neglected this morning by the looks of things.” My thinking was he was going to get a lot more neglected if I had anything to do with it.

  The day on campus went by in a blur. I knew I needed to be home by three o’clock if I was going to do everything I wanted to before heading to Orlando. I began to head to my car when I saw Kara walking toward me from the daycare building. Sometimes the girl looked so sad, and my heart twisted for the love lost between her and Gary. They were fantastic together.

  She looked up at me, and I saw a single tear running down her face. We didn’t speak, I just held my arms out, and she walked right on in. Kara’s arms wrapped tightly around my waist as mine enveloped her. We just stood there holding each other in a ‘Gary moment’ as we called it. Sometimes a wave of grief would just take us by surprise.

  After we’d been silent for a couple of minutes I bent my ear forward and whispered, “Keep going Kara, Gary would be so proud of you, honey.” My words were the same to her every time, and it seemed to fortify her. Once she’d recovered her composure we said our goodbyes and dropped our embrace. Kara made her way back to the apartment while I made mine to my car. Pulling my cell out of my jeans pocket I fired off a text to Lily.

  SEXPERT: all set for tonight?

  Pink Lady: Actually, I’ve changed my mind, I’m tired, early night, have fun.

  Hmm, what the hell happened between this morning and now? Did the douche reiterate my conversation with him to her?

  SEXPERT: Where are you?

  Pink Lady: In bed.

  SEXPERT: my favorite place for you, can’t you nap and I’ll pick you up?

  Pink Lady: What do you want from me???

  SEXPERT: a friend.

  I chose to ignore the doubt she was showing me in the texts and when I was ready for the evening I drove over to pick her up. When I got to her apartment Will’s girlfriend, Saffy told me she was asleep. I explained we had plans, and she invited me in and went to wake Lily, who was apparently napping.

  Lily came out of the bedroom at the same time as her friend was leaving, and when I turned to look at her she took my breath away.

  “Oh God, Lily, you look stunningly beautiful in that dress.” She didn’t say anything just gave me this intense, sexy stare that made my dick hard in no time. “Are you ready?”

  She looked like a hesitant. “Sure.” Her voice was no more than a squeak which she followed with a weak smile. She had no intention of going but was now too polite to do anything else but what I wanted.

  Lily pulled a wrap over her shoulders, and we began to head out of her apartment for the elevators. She was walking slightly ahead of me so when I caught up with her I almost placed my hand on the base of her back but she pre-empted me and was quick to scoot to the side. It was funny really, and I bit back a grin, maintaining a normal, friendly chat.

  Soft curls against Lily’s bare skin looked fabulous. There was a sudden urge building inside of me to stroke her mouth with my thumb. As soon as I had that thought fantasies flowed of wrapping my hand in her hair, pulling it back so her face was staring up at me and devouring her in a hungry kiss. Instead I made small talk. “Did you have a good nap?” I turned to look at her briefly, smiling.

  “Yeah, I think so.” She was struggling to talk to me for some reason.

  We drove in silence at first until I broke the ice. “Is this how all our evenings are going to start?” She glanced at me, and I willed my head not to turn to her, still staring at the road.

  “Sorry?” Lily offered puzzled. I flicked my eyes to me and gave her a slow smile.

  “You… not talking, being shy.”

  “I’m not sure what you want from me Alfie.”

  She had my full attention, my eyebrow lifted. “Didn’t we do all this before? Friendship Lily, isn’t that what you wanted too?” I stared back at the road, wondering what the fuck was wrong with her. We seemed okay at college earlier.

  “Sorry, I just don’t fully understand why we’re doing this, it feels a bit weird.” Leaning over I took her hand in mine wanting to reassure her.

  “Lily, ‘friends with no benefits’, your call remember? If you change your mind, you only have to say, and we’ll stop.”

  We had only been together for ten minutes, and there was already an uneasy atmosphere between us. “Why did you ask me to come with you tonight?” There were loads of reasons, pick any one of them. I wanted to see her again; I didn’t want to risk her being near the douche, even if he was with his girl. I wanted to share the biggest moment for me yet, playing at ‘Firestone Live,’ venue, with her. I just wanted her near me.

  I couldn’t share the first three with her, and I didn’t want her to know how big a mo
ment it was for us as a band either. That would just have looked like boasting, and I’m too secure in my music to talk about that kind of shit. Pulling the key from the ignition, I slid out of the driver’s seat without answering and walked around to her side of the car. I took a deep breath and smiled, laying on my best carefree attitude.

  “I wanted you to come and hear us. It’ll be good for you. Now, enough of the soul searching, let’s go let our hair down.” I gently placed my hand on her back and led her to the minivan. My band mates Drew, Des, and Andy were already on board. I carefully laid my two guitars in the special holders lining the wall to keep them secure and pulled Lily on board.

  The van was as comfortable as we could make it because we spent a lot of time in it traveling to different tour venues.

  We’d ripped some of the seats out to accommodate all the band gear and had configured most of the seating into two booths set in fours with a table at the center of each. Traveling as much as we did, we needed this configuration to work and eat, and if we wanted to play, there were also three seats across the back.

  My bandmates’ heads all turned in unison and stared at Lily. Drew’s eyebrow lifted, and I could see that Lily had made an immediate impression on him. “Guys…Lily, Lily…guys,” I said, to be honest I didn’t want any of them to get involved with her or talk to her. She was with me, and I definitely wasn’t going to share her, even if they just wanted to talk.

  I gestured Lily to sit in the free booth and set my soft leather bag down before reaching into the cooler to find some drinks. “Beer or wine?” I asked, reaching into a large cooler and plucking out a wet beer bottle. I used my thumb and forefinger to cup around the bottle and slide downwards, shaking the excess water off, while waiting for Lily to reply.

  When I looked up all guys were still staring at her, and she had started to blush. “Wine please,” she squeaked out. I poured her wine in a plastic tumbler and headed over to where she was sitting. “Jeez, Alfie, are you trying to get me drunk?”