Love with Every Beat

by K. L. Shandwick

  “You want a relationship, Lily? I’ll give you one, be your boyfriend, but you need to know that nothing will come of it, I can’t commit to loving you above all else.” Could I be her boyfriend?

  Leaning forward, I stared straight into her eyes appealing for a chance I never realized I had to have, until that moment.

  “What I can offer you is my time, when I can, above anything outside of my work. That’s the most I am able to give right now. If I hadn’t been honest with you from the start, what is there to say that we wouldn’t have been together all this time? I could have kept things close to my chest. I need you, Lily, I miss you. I didn’t expect to feel so drawn to you. I can’t function without seeing you.”

  Raking my hands through my hair, I had said my piece. I was also feeling emotional because I had laid my cards on the table. The rest was up to Lily.

  Watching Lily digest what I was saying, it was fucking awful to see how much my behavior had affected her. Different expressions flitted across Lily’s face as she had the same internal battle that had gone on in my mind a thousand times since I met her. Her gaze focused on my mouth, and I instinctively licked my lips.

  Whatever she was thinking worried me, and I needed another drink. “Do you mind if I fill up?” I asked, tapping the side of my glass. She shook her head, and I headed over to the bar. Lily was sitting there in her own little world. God only knows what she was thinking, but damn, it was a beautiful head.

  “Hey, have I ever told you how beautiful your smile is?”

  Daydreaming, that’s what she had been doing. Lily was pulled back from her thoughts, and she breathed in deeply then looked up at me. “Do we have to name it?” she blurted out what she was thinking.

  Confused about what she meant, my brows furrowed. “Name it?” Her eyes looked up to her forehead and swallowed softly.

  “This…thing,” she said, wagging her finger between the two of us. “I’m not sure what I’m saying.”

  Feeling a spark of hope that Lily would give us a chance, I moved closer to her, hoping we could figure it out, as long as she was willing to try. My fear was that she would expect too much of me.

  “Try! Tell me what you want to say.” Holding her gaze her eyes softened as I tried to encourage her to express what was inside, and at the same time my hand swept up her arm and around to the nape of her neck.

  Shivering at my touch, Lily definitely still felt that buzz between us igniting feelings that drew us together. My dick was in full flight as soon as my hand cradled her neck, and I smiled slowly at her reaction to me.

  She shrugged. “You’re here and I’m here. I guess we mean enough to each other that we’ve spent so much time trying to label this ‘thing’ between us.”

  Instinctively, I leaned in and laid my forehead on hers. Giving me the intimacy I had been craving. “Damn straight, I can admit to that.” Stirring in my pants meant I was going to have to adjust myself, my dick was becoming harder by the minute, and I didn’t want that to be obvious to her in case she thought I was just after her body. I wasn’t this time.

  Smouldering eyes gazed back at me. “So what do you want, Alfie? What do you want from me?”

  “This. I want this. The intimacy.” I wanted more than that, but I’d settle for what she was able to give at that time.

  Brushing my nose against hers and turning my mouth to her, I whispered, “Time. I want time with you. Today, tomorrow…we need time together.” I knew I sounded a little disjointed, even a bit hesitant. Maybe I was hesitant, hell all I knew was I had to be with her…other than that I couldn’t think about the future at this point.

  Lily was still watching me, and I wanted so fucking badly to kiss her. That sensational mouth of her was so close in front of me. Lips closed, but her soft, light breaths kept me right in the moment.

  “What’s your schedule?” she murmured.

  Leaning back to focus better, I smiled because there were days off except for rehearsal time. “Two until five pm daily… all afternoon from midday on New Year’s Eve until five pm, then show time at seven pm until eight thirty pm. We don’t have to tear down. It’s a big gig, so there are a guitar technicians and roadies to pack up for us. We head out on the third back to the USA. So I have, what… two days off after for sightseeing, or partying… whatever.”

  Lily looked at her wrist watch. It was almost one o’clock in the afternoon. “Where is the gig going to be?” I smiled, feeling proud that this was going to impress her.

  “The O2 arena, you know it?” When her eyes widened, and her mouth fell open I could tell she was awestruck.

  “Seriously?” I nodded, I couldn’t believe it either, Crakt Soundzz our little band that played in Drew’s dad’s garage, was playing in London.

  “Okay, you better get a move on if you’re going to make those rehearsals.” Pulling out my cell to check the time, I realized she was right. I had to go.

  I glanced down at the drink I hadn’t touched, lifted the glass, and threw it to the back of my throat. The alcohol scorched my throat and burned in my chest, as it made its way down to my stomach.

  “I’ll meet you at the Cutty Sark at seven pm.”

  Placing the wide stumpy glass on the beer mat, my eyes flicked back up to look at Lily. “What’s that?” I asked puzzled.

  “It’s on the river near the O2 venue. You know Greenwich is by the river, right? It’s an original clipper ship that’s in dry dock there… it’s a tourist attraction, you can’t miss it. Find it and you can take me to dinner.” All I felt when she said that was huge relief. For a while there, I thought this morning hadn’t been going well. Grinning, I was about to speak but Lily interjected.

  “Don’t!” She signaled at me with her palm up in a stop sign. “I’m making a concession here. Don’t let me down, Alfie.” Even although she was admonishing me, my dick was so fucking hard for her she could have said anything, and it wouldn’t have put me off of her.

  I nodded appreciatively, my grin turned into a soft smile. She’s incredible to look at. “Thank you, Lily. I promise you won’t regret it.” Holding the door open, Lily left the pub ahead for me, and we began walking toward Sloan Square Tube station.

  “Can I ask something? Well… it’s more of a request really?” My eyes glanced over at hers as we walked along the road awkwardly avoiding contact with each other.

  “Sure,” she said in a voice that seemed way too cheery.

  “Will you wear exactly what you’re wearing right now to dinner tonight? I haven’t really been able to enjoy how you look with our heavy conversation today.” She looked sensational and there was a lot of catching up to do watching her in that red dress. Lily looked stunning in it.

  She chuckled, looking pleased with my request, so I grinned.

  “Really, you want me to wear this old thing?” Jesus, old thing? I wondered how many other ‘old things’ there were in Lily’s closet that I could feast my eyes on.

  Crossing the road, I was interrupted from saying anything further. The traffic was on the wrong side of the road, and although I had wanted to take her hand crossing over, I wasn’t about to take any liberties. I’d already touched her in the pub and she let me. Next time it would be because she wanted me to.

  Once safely on the sidewalk, I continued my perusal of her, my eyes scrolling very slowly down the length of her. “Lily, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything more perfect on you, and you know how I feel about your choices of attire. You’ve got great taste, but this…” I took a small piece of the clingy material near her waist in my hand and tugged lightly on it.

  “Dayum! The color, the cut, the slit at your thigh. Jesus, Lily, you kill me. Every time I think you definitely can’t top the outfit you’re wearing, you do exactly that.” And just like that I was so fucking ready for her. Indulging myself in her had made me so desperate for her, my dick was bulging solidly against my jeans again.

  Lily smiled a little and our eye contact was quickly progressing into an intense stare. I
could tell the moment she became aroused because her eyelids drooped and her pupils dilated wider. Lily’s passion was in her eyes, there was always this little sexy pink tinge of lust that formed when she was horny.

  When I was saying goodbye to Lily at the tube station, I only meant to hug her, but as soon as I had her in my arms, it was such a fucking struggle to tear myself away from her again. I know I held on longer than I should have, but damn she felt absolutely perfect. Like she belonged and for a second I felt completely at peace.

  Burying my face in her hair and smelling those awesome vanilla and rose scents again, “God, Lily, I’ve never held a woman who fit in my arms so perfectly and smelled as good as you…ever.”

  Seeing Lily lean back and give me that sexy smile, her eyelids drooping sensually, I knew if I didn’t let her go at that point I’d fuck up the progress I’d made with her this morning. So when she dropped her arms, I did the same.

  Beginning to head toward the barriers, I looked back at her. She looked vulnerable, and I could see that look she got when her mind was in overdrive. “Seven pm… Cutty Sark,” I reinforced where we were meeting, turned, and never looked back in case it I gave her reason to change her mind.

  Drew and the guys were already at the rehearsal studio Cobham Street had rented. When I walked in they were horsing around and catching sight of me, Drew began playing, Artic Monkeys, “Do I Wanna Know,” and Des smirked. Andy shoulder barged me as he walked past, and Drew raised his eyebrow. “Well? Did you see her?”

  Noticing they had all stopped what they were doing and were waiting for me to speak, I ignored him and wandered over to the coffee machine and poured myself a cup, taking my time about it. Returning the coffee pot to the hotplate, I turned around to see them all still standing in the same spot. Drew looked at Des and Andy and said, “For fuck’s sake, Alfie, put us out of our misery. Did you see her?”

  Biting back a grin and pulling the coffee cup to my lips, I took a sip as Drew shouted, “Alfie?” Chuckling I swept my free hand up toward my face.

  “Of course, look at me? Who the fuck wouldn’t want to see me?” I expected them to laugh, but instead a collective sigh of relief went through them, their bodies visibly deflating in front of me with relief. And that made me stop long enough to think that maybe I wasn’t coping as well as I thought I had been.

  Drew stood still for a moment, then made his way over to me and hugged me tightly slapping my back. “Good job, dude.” Clearly, he was relieved at not having to sit through another of my pity parties about her, like he’d endured during the last tour.

  Concentrating on the rehearsals took some doing. Usually nothing distracted me from music but that afternoon, I just couldn’t lose myself. Thoughts of Lily and about Lily making me feel excited, nervous…hard. Fuck. Even the thought that I might get to wrap my arms around her was enough to spark feelings so full of want and desperation, which made everything else seem insignificant.

  Lily was like a magnet drawing me to her. And when I was with her I wanted to touch her; no…needed to touch her. Shallow thinking on my part that all I had wanted from her in the beginning was her body, but the overwhelming need to touch her was something I couldn’t fathom. I had been desperate to touch her, to feel her against me. To explore her…to taste her.

  What the hell happened to me? I became the typical male stereotype, leering after a pretty girl with a stunning rack. In Lily’s case, she looked like she fell right out of a Victoria Secret catalogue, only fully clothed. I’d challenge any red blooded male to want to just to talk to her when they had the possibility to know her on a more intimate level.

  Plus, if I throw in those innocent yet sexy- as- fuck eyes staring back at me, the last thing that had been on my mind when I was with her was whether she had a family or not? Shaking my head at that thought. I am not that man. I’ve never been the type just to try to get laid. Come to think about it, I’ve never had to try.

  Dinner that night wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be. I was kinda expecting her to go back into the heavy conversation from where we had left off earlier and was surprised when she didn’t. The restaurant was awesome, and she was known there. Again, I wondered how I was supposed to compete with the world that Lily came from, wondering if I should even try. We didn’t even pay for dinner.

  After the restaurant there was an awkward moment on the sidewalk. I was thinking, do I ask her back to the hotel? Really…I should have planned something, because I wasn’t ready for the night to end. There was a silence while I watched Lily. She was thinking, her brow furrowed.

  “Do you want to come dancing with some of my friends? I said I would meet with them afterwards.”

  I was relieved and exhaled heavily. “Wow, Really? You don’t mind…they won’t mind?” Lily shook her head.

  “Not at all, as long as you treat me properly.”

  And there it was. A comment reminding me I hadn’t in the past, and it was going to keep coming back and biting me in the ass when I least expected it to. So I had to show Lily I wasn’t a complete waste of time.

  “Have I done something wrong tonight?”

  She grinned. “No, but the night’s still young. I want some boundaries.”

  Lily was right to be wary. The way I had treated her was a disgrace. I was ashamed of myself for some of the things I had said and done to her. Staring intensely into her eyes, I nodded and tried to convey how desperately I wanted this time to be different with her.

  “I only really have two. Touching where it is appropriate, I don’t mind you holding my hand, and I don’t mind getting a little hot on the dance floor, but your hands don’t touch me intimately otherwise, you got it?”

  Hmm. Tall order, I thought. “I don’t touch you anywhere risky with my hands, other than dancing, that will be the agreement, right?” At least I’d be able to hold her in my arms on the dance floor and wondered if when I did could I stop at that? Smiling at Lily, I answered, “Gotcha!” and winked at her.

  “Can I kiss you?” I smirked but prayed she would say yes, because I thought I’d have another sleepless night thinking about her if I spent the night with her and didn’t.

  “Only if I want that…I don’t know if I do, but I’ll say so, if I don’t,” Lily was as confused as I was, and we were making the rules up as we went along. I was just going to have to go slow and try to figure out what was acceptable. Patience and consideration were going to have to be at the forefront of my mind.

  Chapter 32 – Meeting Friends

  Arriving at the club, I was surprised when Lily grabbed my hand and squeezed it tightly, starting to lead me through the crowd. The feeling I had when she did that was incredible. It had been a long time coming, that feeling of excitement and calmness.

  I know that doesn’t make sense, but that’s the only way I can describe what she brings to me. Excitement on a plain I had never felt before, yet a calm feeling deep in my soul.

  As Lily took me toward her friends her head was bobbing and I could see the music taking her off into another zone. When we reached the dance floor area I could see Jack getting pretty engrossed in a small dark-haired girl on the dance floor. Damn he could move as well. Resentment began to build again about him. The guy was everything I wasn’t. And from what I saw earlier he had chemistry with Lily as well.

  Figuring out what he was to Lily was hard because when he saw her he wiggled his eyebrows and gestured toward the girl with his head, grinning. She shook her head, smiled, and wagged her finger at him. Leaning forward to speak into Lily’s ear, I had to ask, “Should I be worried about him?” What I wasn’t expecting was the response I got.

  “Jack? Yeah, you should always be worried about him, he’s very important to me.” I was just beginning to assimilate her answer when another blond-haired dude scooped her up into his arms.

  “Hello, sexy lady!” he said, giving her a bear hug.

  Another dude pawing my girl. My body locked up with tension, and I ground my teeth, biting back
the urge to tell the fucker to get his hands off of her. What made it worse was when she turned to me and inclined her head telling him I was her, “Friend from Miami.” I wanted to say, Lily that doesn’t nearly cover what we are to each other, but she was right. That’s all we were.

  Jack came running at Lily when the song finished, and the way her face lit up almost killed me. No doubt about it, this guy made her happy.

  “Lily, you are the sexiest girl on the planet. Damn that fucking dress! I should just shove everyone out of the way, clear the drinks off of this table with the back of my arm caveman style, and have my way with you right here.” To top it off, he buried his face in her neck, and she giggled playfully.

  Talk about feelings, fuck! An explosion went off in my gut, angry…no seething feelings toward Jack. Embarrassed that I had to stand there and watch him do that; say those things, and when he said what he wanted to do to her. Well again, I had no words for that. Instead I fought the compulsion to physically hurt the guy.

  All the while that was happening, blond David was scrutinizing me—observing me from the side lines, weighing me up—but standing passively drinking his pint of beer.

  Lily was completely at ease with Jack. “Firstly Jack, cavemen didn’t clear glasses from tables like that. Secondly, you know you’re all about the chase. If you had your way with me right now, you’d have nothing to look forward to for the rest of the evening.”

  Hmm. Strange comment. Did he get his way later? I stood there wondering what the fuck was going on between the two of them. Every comment she made in reference to him had been ‘important,’ I caught that much. What the fuck did important mean? And what did that mean for me?

  Getting caught up in my thoughts, I was pulled out of my reverie when he moved toward her again. They were laughing, her looking at him with adulation, him pulling her close to him and kissing her forehead.

  All I could do was stand there like a fucking third wheel. Their mutual affection was embarrassing me. I felt so fucking awkward, l hated witnessing it. “True as ever, Lily, the voice of reason,” Jack said. The way they were smiling at each other was like no one else existed, and it definitely had me worried.