Love with Every Beat

by K. L. Shandwick

  Furious and crying, Lily got up and shouted at me, “Fucking tell me.” There was a hiss in her voice, and I could see how devastated she was to be in this position again, but it wasn’t what it looked like, and I figured it was time to tell her. I would, right after I knew that Kara was safe.

  Pulling my boots on, I began making for the door. There was no way I was talking to Kara in front of Lily, “Stay here. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

  Needing some air, I made my way out to the front of the hotel while calling Kara back. The phone didn’t complete the first ring when she answered. Kara sounded petrified. Convinced that her safe house had been discovered, she was hysterical and sobbing between sentences on the phone.

  It took me three attempts to calm her so that I could get all the details I needed to make a decision about what to do next.

  Once I had reassured her help was coming I called Drew’s brother, Harrison, who had agreed if push came to shove, that Kara could stay in the apartment above his garage for a temporary period until I came home.

  Relieved that everything was in order, and that Harrison was sending a cab to pick Kara up at the bus station then another to take her on to his place, I headed back to smooth the waters with Lily.

  Thinking, as I hurried back to the room, that once I’d explained, Lily would understand and accept that I had to deal with Kara’s situation and that this was something that really couldn’t have waited.

  Taking a deep breath, I swiped the key card down the door lock and heard the soft click. When I pushed it open fully my eyes scanned the room for her.

  Stalking toward the bathroom, the beat of my heart was rapid and the panic in my chest was so tight, at the realization that Lily had left again, and this time I was sure she’d never give me another chance.

  Tears choked my throat and I didn’t care who heard me or what happened to me at that moment. A painful, guttural scream tore from my throat, “Fuck! No! Don’t fucking do this to us again, Lily please. Not now.” Shouting into the air, I sank to my knees in the center of the room, my head in my hands. I was desolate.

  Pulling out my cell, I tried to call, but her phone was switched off. Four o’clock in the morning on the first day of the year, and I’d already fucked up. My hands were shaking, and I felt so out of control. I paced the room, my hands running through my hair as I tried to think of what to do next. How to make her hear me out yet again, and thinking that just wasn’t going to happen. The least I could do was try.

  Drew sounded groggy when I called him, once I told him what had happened I heard him asking where Lily might be. Elle said that if Lily was down she would go to Jack. If Jack wasn’t around then she would be next, and as she hadn’t had a call, she’d definitely be there.

  Drew and Elle argued about me having Jack’s cell number, but Elle eventually gave in and told me.

  Jack’s phone rang for a whole minute. I began to think he was ignoring my call; imagining that he and Lily where conspiring to keep me away from her.

  “Man, whoever the fuck you are, this better be good, my head is splitting, and I’ve barely made it to bed. Don’t you know what day it is?” Jack croaked groggily.

  “Jack, it is Alfie. Is Lily there with you, can I talk to her?” I heard Jack shift, and his voice came back much more alert.

  “What the fuck has happened? If you’ve hurt her again, I’m gonna have your nuts and give them to her as earrings, man.”

  “Jack, put her on, I can explain it. Just let me speak to her.”

  There was a motion in the background and Jack grunted, I imagined him sitting up and he sounded like he was getting up.

  “She isn’t here, Alfie, and if she was you would be the last person I’d let near her.”

  I heard a click and the phone went dead. Jack had hung up on me. Grabbing my wallet from the side, I made my way downstairs and into a cab. Once I was in front of Lily, I’d make her see sense. Fix this fucked-up situation between us.

  By the time the cab arrived at Jack’s place it was seven in the morning, and I’d been up since yesterday. My body ached, but my heart ached more.

  “Is she here?”

  “She’s not fucking here, I told you,” Jack shouted back at me. If looks could kill, I would have dropped on the spot.

  “I need to see her, I’ve got to talk to her, I’m not losing her again.” Hearing myself saying it out loud made the whole thing with Lily real. I couldn’t lose her now.

  “You never had her in the first place, you fucking idiot. She told me all about you. Why couldn’t you keep your fucking hands off of her; she’s not like other girls.” Jack was showing me the depth of his feelings for my woman, his passion for protecting her fierce. Anger in his voice, and yet another side to the guy I’d not experienced.

  “Jealous that it wasn’t you balls deep inside her sweet pussy?” If there was a hankering after Lily, provoking him would draw him out.

  “Alfie, what Lily and I have, you could never achieve, so goad all you want. I know I’ll always be in her life. Don’t think you can say the same, can you? Why don’t you leave the girl the fuck alone? She deserves so much better.” Huh.

  Jack took me into his kitchen and made coffee for us, throwing back at me what Lily had obviously told him, that I didn’t want to be with her. Staring at him, I heard myself say, “I do want her. God, I’ve never wanted anything more. She’s amazing.” There was a brief silence.

  Jack spoke again. “So why are you playing with her heart, man? She’s so fucking hurt and to be honest, I detest you for it.”

  There was silence again. “Well?” Jack pressed me to answer him.

  “It’s complicated. I can’t explain I’m hoping it will all work out one day.”

  Jack laughed. “Complicated? Do you mean there’s another woman involved?” When I didn’t answer immediately, he prompted me, “So is there? Am I right?” Jack persisted.

  “Yeah…no, at least not in the way it is with Lily, but yeah, I have responsibilities.”

  Jack’s twisted angry face stared back at me. “Yeah, well, maybe it is for you, but it doesn’t have to be complicated for Lily. She needs to stay away from you, and if you care about her, you’ll leave her the fuck alone.”

  Responding I said, “I can’t, I need her. I know you’re going to find this difficult, but can you ask her to talk to me? Are you sure she isn’t here.”

  Jack sounded impatient. “Listen man, you had your chance, and you blew it. From what she’s told me you’ve been hot and cold since you met her. That’s nasty to treat a woman like that. If I know Lily, and believe me, I know her much better than you do your chances have run out. If she’s gone to ground on you, then she won’t put herself out there again, and no, man, she isn’t here.”

  Jack invited me to look for myself, and I did. Lily wasn’t there, and I had been so sure she was. I had the same feeling inside I always had when she was close by, but it seemed to have let me down this time.

  I didn’t see Lily again before I left London. When I went to her parents’, they told me that she had gone back to Miami, something about preparing for an assignment which I knew was bullshit. She’d run away from me again, without letting me explain. And, what was I explaining? Damn. Lily and I…it was a fucking car crash from start to finish.

  Chapter 35 – Dudes In Suits

  Crakt Soundzz had some meetings with Sly Records executives and although there was a lot of positive talk coming from them, no one was actually mentioning any details about the record deal that kept being mooted about each time we were all in the same room. I just couldn’t wait to get back to Miami and sort things out with Lily, so the stuff about the band was just rumbling in the background for me.

  Drew was pissed, and I had an argument with Des about it as well. Both of them were starting to get pissed at Lily for getting in the way of my creative flow, and that wasn’t good for the band. To be fair it wasn’t Lily’s fault, everything that had happened and the position I now found mysel
f in was of my own doing.

  Flying back to Miami, I had managed to convince myself I could make her see sense, but when I was home she managed to avoid me for almost two weeks. I had called her, but the phone she’d been using was disconnected. I couldn’t talk to her at college, but hadn’t even seen her there anyway, so I resorted to hanging out waiting for her around her apartment block whenever I could.

  Eventually I got lucky and caught her coming home one evening. She tried to walk past me but I caught her by the arm to stop her getting away from me.

  “I have nothing to say to you. Leave me alone,” she spat as she struggled to free herself from my grasp.

  Pulling her around to look at me, my palm slipped down to grip her wrist. “No! You don’t get to walk away again, not this time. Not without at least hearing me out.” I’d had enough of this shit and now that she was in front of me she was going to hear me out dammit.

  She cut in again before I could speak,

  “Look Alfie, you owe me nothing, you told me in the beginning that you weren’t a ‘hearts and flowers’ type of guy. Why are you even here? You left me to deal with her. You.Left.Me.” Hissing her reply at me, she stared at the floor.

  “I’m here now, Lily. I want to be near you.” She stared at me angrily.

  “You’re here now… Now? Why aren’t you with her?”

  “It’s complicated,” I said slowly, my shoulders slumping, and my voice defeated.

  Looking around to make sure we weren’t overheard, I said, “I’m not doing this in the street Lily, I can’t.”

  “You can come upstairs, and we’re going to settle this once and for all, and then you leave me the fuck alone, you hear me, Alfie?”

  Feeling relieved that she was at least going to let me explain, I said, “Sure, that’s all I want, for you to hear me out.” She nodded and held her wrist up. I let it go, and she walked in front of me pushing the door open and entering the building.

  When we started talking about Kara, Lily had the wrong idea about her and me.

  “Do you love her, Alfie?”

  I nodded. I couldn’t have done what I was for her if I didn’t. “Of course I love her. She’s an amazing person.”

  Sighing, Lily commented, “Hmm, you said that about me. So do you love me too?” I was still coming to terms with my feelings and ran my hand through my hair.

  “What do you think? Do you love me?” I said, putting her question back at her, not sure how to answer, because I already knew now that I did, but scared about what it all meant for the both of us.

  She forced a laugh. “No! I asked you, you don’t get to turn the question back on me,” she spat, pulling a bottle of water from the fridge.

  Trying to deal with all that I was feeling with the frustration of dealing with Kara, holding back with Lily, and the constant assault of all of these new emotions, was overwhelming. Fuck. My eyes welled up with tears, and I choked them back with a swallow. It was fucking hard feeling emotional.

  I sighed, feeling nervous, and thought hard about what I wanted to say.

  “Can you come over here?” I patted the couch, my eyes staring at her, pleading with her not to fight me on this.

  “No,” she hissed, “I don’t want you to touch me.”

  Sighing again, I spoke softly. “Then I can’t answer your question,” I said dryly.

  She shook her hair out. “Is this another one of your mind games Alfie…”

  Putting my hand up, I stopped her. “No, it isn’t! You asked me a question. I don’t want to answer you with a fucking kitchen counter between us. If you want me to speak to you, you’ll come and sit down like a normal adult and stop fucking running away.” She was trying my patience, and I was done pussy footing around with her.

  After a moment she took a deep breath and walked slowly to where I was sitting. “Thank you,” I said relieved, giving her a small smile.

  Staring into her eyes, I wanted to give her as much honesty as I could. “I shouldn’t, but yes.”

  “You shouldn’t love her?”

  “I didn’t want to tell you this way. I wanted it to be different.” Lily didn’t let me finish and began crying. I pulled her to me and kissed a tear from her cheek before cuddling her to my chest. I had destroyed Lily. And I hadn’t begun to explain.

  She needed to be taken care of, and I had to do something to soothe her. “Look, I’m going to take care of you, then I’m going to talk, and you’re going to listen. When I’m done, whatever you say I’ll respect. I give you my word this time.” She looked up at me and meekly accepted my help.

  Running a bath for her, I put bubbles in and once she was in there, I left her to soak. Seeing her naked like that didn’t make me hard. She looked broken and vulnerable, and I had to fix her.

  When she was dried, I lay her on her bed and crawled down beside her. I was staring at her waiting for the moment to explain about Kara.

  “Okay, say whatever you want, I’m done talking.” She sounded defeated.

  Rubbing my hands together, I took a deep breath. “I’m so sorry for what happened in London. I should have never left the room, but I panicked. I want to tell you something, and it may take a while. When I’m done, you’ll have to decide what happens next.” She closed her eyes, and I just continued to talk.

  “When I first saw you Lily, I couldn’t stop staring at you. You didn’t see me at all. You walked past me, your cute little face smiling up at the sun, and I knew there and then, I had to have you. I’ve never had a reaction to anyone like the one I had when I first laid my eyes on you.”

  “Did you think sitting in front of me on the lawn was the first time I saw you?” Her eyes flicked open, and I smiled shaking my head.

  “I was leaving that day, when you arrived in the parking lot. I had to find out who you were, so I followed you back to the registrar’s office. When I heard you getting directions to the canteen for the meet-and-greet, I strategically placed myself so that you would walk past me.”

  “If you felt like that about me, why didn’t you let Kara go? Why put me through all the shit if you wanted me? You didn’t want to know who I was. You just wanted to have sex with me. Well Alfie you got what you wanted. So well done, your plan out worked for you.”

  She closed her eyes again, and I was pissed that she was shutting down on me. “Are you going to let me speak or are you going to constantly interrupt me to rant. I thought we’d already established that I was a first-class bastard already.” She sighed, but didn’t move, still lying on the bed. “Look at me.” She just kept lying there with her eyes closed.

  Exhaling heavily, I continued, “You asked if I loved you. I do. I was going to tell you on New Year’s morning in London.”

  Lily’s eyes flew open, tears dripped on to her pillow, and she was still lying still.

  “I was being honest when I said I can’t love you. What I meant was I’m not in the position to love you the way you deserve to be loved. I can’t commit to you the way you deserve, and I won’t pretend it could be any other way.”

  Lily whispered, “Because of Kara.” Closing my eyes, I nodded and worked a swallow, struggling for what else I was going to say.

  “Kara needs me, Lily. I can’t let anything or anyone get in the way of that.”

  “This is getting boring, Alfie. You said this before. Why? Who is she?” Running my hand through my hair, I stood up and sat near her.

  “Sit up,” I said, pulling her up from lying to sitting.

  She scooted up against the headboard. “What I am about to say… I can’t believe I’m going to tell you this…” Swallowing hard, I closed my eyes.

  “Kara is my best friend’s girlfriend… was my best friend’s girlfriend.”

  She smirked at me. “She left him for you, and now you don’t think you can leave her because of it?”

  Shaking my head, I stared at her. “You really think so little of me, don’t you?” I deserved it; Lily had suffered because of my behavior.

  “G
ary was my best friend all through high school; he was a hero. When I started college, he signed on for duty and was deployed overseas with the US Army. He was on patrol during one of the conflicts. He was only two days out from finishing his tour of duty when the vehicle he was traveling in ran over a landmine. He was killed instantly.”

  Lily’s voice was softer. “So you’re helping his girlfriend? That’s commendable, but why the secrecy? She isn’t your responsibility, unless you took up with her, either when he was away or since he died, maybe?”

  Damn, she really thought I was a piece of work. “If only it was that simple.” I smirked, then leaned forward and tucked her hair behind her ear, thinking how beautiful she was.

  Telling her everything about Kara and Gary and what we’d been through these past two years, the escorting and about being a mentor at college.

  By this time I was on the bed beside her and staring into her eyes, wanting her to see and hear the honesty in what I was telling her. When I was talking about the escorting I could see in her face that she thought I slept with the women I escorted around.

  So I answered the look in her eyes as if she’d spoken to me. “No, not once… I’ve never crossed the line and provided extras, as lucrative as that may be. I would never prostitute myself no matter how much I needed the money or how hard up I was feeling.”

  Chapter 36 – Responsibility

  By the time I’d finished telling her everything, she was in tears again. I could tell she realized how difficult our life would be together. She was so fucking hurt, and it was my fault. Aching inside, I just wanted the whole fucking mess to go away and for me to be with her.

  “I love you, Lily,” I whispered. “I think I have since our first time together. You wreck me, and my heart is most definitely yours.” Once the words were out, she sobbed loudly, leapt off of the bed, and was running for the bathroom. “NO!” I made it to the bathroom door jamming myself in the doorway before she could close it.

  “Don’t run, Lily, please, don’t run. I love you.” She was curled up down on the floor hugging her knees, and I pushed around the door to crouch beside her.