Love with Every Beat

by K. L. Shandwick

  “That’s a crock of shit, Lily. You can spare me five minutes at the very least.” Holding her tightly, I threw the dressing room door open, it rebounded off the wall, and I stopped it by slamming the palm of my free hand against it.

  All the guys’ heads turned, their eyes flew over in the direction of the noise and settled on Lily. Des’ eyes widened. “Shit.” The word was forced out.

  “Get out! We need privacy,” I told my bandmates.

  Drew stood up and glanced at Lily with concern. “You okay with this, Lily?”

  “Mind your own fucking business, Drew. Out,” I said nodding my head at the doorway.

  Staring at Lily, I just needed everyone to go away.

  Des walked across and put his hand on my shoulder. “Come on, dude. Don’t do this now. We’re on in twenty minutes,” he warned me.

  Taking my eyes off of Lily and glaring at Des stopped him from commenting further. Des threw his hands up. “Fine. Ten minutes, Alfie. Then whatever the fuck is going on is forgotten. We’ve got a gig to do.”

  Des walked out the door, banging it hard behind him. Andy picked up a towel. He draped it over the back of his neck and opened the door, shaking his head.

  Drew stared me down. “Why can’t you just leave her alone, Alfie? Can’t you see what this is doing to her? ” Drew gestured me to look at Lily and shook his head. Looking back at Lily, he commented, “I’m outside if you need me, Lily.” And with that he left the room.

  Finally, we were alone. Two years I had waited to be with her again. Not realizing that was what I had been doing until that moment. I could tell she was nervous, biting her bottom lip as my eyes ticked over her face, while my mind was in a shambles of thoughts and feelings I couldn’t put into a semblance of order.

  In fact, I was frightened to speak, afraid to say what was on my mind because if I laid myself bare to her again, and she walked away like she did before, I wasn’t sure if I could live a moment longer after that.

  All the old familiar feelings crashed in on me. Lily was right there, and I was touching her. Even if she was only was only there by restraint so that I could talk to her.

  Reaching forward, I took Lily in a hug, holding her to me tightly, scared that this hug was going to be the last time. The hug that I felt would have to last me a lifetime. And when I thought that, I drew my body flush with hers. I was hard but I didn’t care, she had to know how she made me feel.

  Lily tensed and stayed still, and I breathed heavily and kissed the skin on her neck lightly, closing my eyes before drawing my nose up the length of it and letting her go.

  She was standing with her arms wrapped around her. “The last time I saw you, Lily, I never thought you could look more beautiful than you did that morning.” Struggling for the words, my eyes ticked over her face, and my breathing was ragged as I fought the emotional turmoil that came with what happened after I’d gone that day.

  “You were lying on your stomach, so peacefully asleep. I watched you for the longest time. Your beautiful, long, dark hair was cascading across the smooth, silky skin on your back. And the contrast of it ending just above the sun kissed dimples at the base of your spine was incredible.”

  God how I love her. Tentatively, I took a strand of her hair between my thumb and forefinger. It still felt as silky smooth as I remembered it. “Some loose strands of hair were spilled over onto my pillow. The sheet draped across you was barely hiding your butt. Tantalizing me. The crack of your butt was just visible. You think I really wanted to leave you like that?”

  Chuckling at the memory, I said, “You had a slight smile on your face, lips slightly parted. You looked so peaceful and content. The breaking dawn light made you look so serene, absolutely perfect.” Working a swallow and it clicked, I closed my eyes struggling not to let the occasion overcome me.

  Watching Lily, trying to figure out where I was going with what I was saying, I continued. Shaking my head again, I stared at her eye to eye. “I was so very wrong about that, Lily. You’re even more beautiful now,” I whispered huskily and smiled at her. Seeing Lily tore my heart, but I would rather have her in front of me and feel like that, than the dull ache and a memory.

  Lily was getting caught up in the moment, her leaning in toward me giving me hope that she still felt everything I was feeling, “Don’t!” she said, denying herself that final submission.

  When her hands rested on my chest in resistance, the feel of her small hands pressing against my t-shirt was amazing. She could feel how my heart was beating wildly in my chest and how it was responding to her touch.

  The band on stage was playing a cover of Daughtry, “It’s Not Over” Damn straight it isn’t. I inclined my head in the direction of the music to make Lily understand this music was the sound of my feelings and my lips spread into a slow smile.

  Almost smiling back, Lily corrected this by biting her lip then cleared her throat. “I made a decision about us, Alfie, and we moved on. Our lives are very different now.” Wrapping my fingers around hers as her hand rested against my chest, I held it there until she pulled it away sharply.

  “Stop it Alfie. It just wouldn’t work, we’d hurt each other more in the long term. I’m at a crossroads with the band, and you have a fabulous life living your dream.”

  Lily threw my arms out to the side. “Don’t do this. Let me walk away. Please don’t make me cry. You’re a great musician. You have fame, and everyone loves you, Alfie. I’m contented with where I am at. I wish you all the best in life Alfie, truly, I do. Why are you even doing this to me again? You’re in a relationship. I’m glad you found someone that makes you happy, I think it’s great.”

  One thing hadn’t changed—Lily was as bad a liar as she’d always been when it came to the subject of us. Pretending she couldn’t give a shit about Zoe when I knew that if she was left in a room with her she’d have probably lost her cool and gave her a hard time for being with me.

  “I’m happy for you.” Another Lie, followed by the fakest smile I’d ever seen. Good thing Lily was a great musician because as an actress she fucking sucked. “I really don’t want to be dragged back to our past. So, please just …let me go.”

  Raking my hand through my hair and shaking my head, I said, “What if I’m not happy? What if my dream isn’t my dream without you? I love you, Lily. It broke my heart to leave you that morning. Just so we’re both clear on those two points.” I wagged his finger between us.

  “My feelings for you are even stronger than at the height of what we had. You are the first thing I think about every single day, Lily.” Still, I was shaking my head vigorously, from left to right, my intense look never breaking her staring back at me.

  Eventually I broke eye contact and inhaled deeply. “I need to go now.” The tone in Lily’s voice was sharp. She was still talking when the ten minute cue came for me to get ready for work. The tension in my neck was fierce, and I cricked head from left to right and cleared my throat. “I need to warm up before I go on.” Smiling slowly at me, Lily looked relieved.

  “It really was… great to see you, Alfie.” She straightened up and broke the stare and started to leave. Exhaling heavily, part of it blown out, I shoved my hands deep into the pockets of my jeans, feeling helpless and frustrated at the same time.

  Lily was choosing to walk away and I was going to play my music. Everything Lily had worried about was right there in that particular moment. Music would come before Lily, and she couldn’t play in my band—what a fucked-up reason not to be with the one person who gave me reason to live.

  “Sure, I only wanted to say hi. I’ve done that. And to tell you that you’re going to be a star, honey. You and your band were great out there today. You’ve come a long way from the shy, little girl I had sitting beside me on the campus lawn, blushing.”

  Smirking at me, my smile became softer as the affectionate feelings I had for Lily took over. “I guess I have, but as for the star part, I have never been interested in fame and fortune, Alfie. I’m already w
ealthy, and I’m not really one who relishes being in the limelight. It has always been about the music for me, that’s why we would have never worked. I have dreams, too, but in another life… who knows what we could have had together.”

  Opening the door Lily was walking out of my life yet again. “I’m never going to give up on you, Lily Parnell.”

  Standing numb, I was trying to comprehend how Lily could keep fighting her feelings, choking on the thought that I was putting myself through all of the turmoil and pain again. Des opened the door and took one look.

  “Aw, fuck no, Alfie. Come on, let’s get this gig out of the way and get you out of here.” Like a child, I followed Des meekly out of the room and down the corridor to perform for the public.

  For the first time in my life, I really didn’t feel the music at all. Playing technically, instead of instinctively, the music sounded the same, but my performance was stilted, and I was just going through the motions. Gone was the usual bounce and spontaneity in what I usually loved to do.

  Chapter 46 – Stop and Stare

  Giving my bandmates their dues, during the following week, they got completely behind me, smothering me with support and not once did any of them say anything to make me feel stupid for trying to reach out to Lily again. Even Elle hugged me and told me she understood how deeply my feelings ran for Lily.

  Zoe knew I was off, and it didn’t feel fair to talk to her about it. I wasn’t sure how it would make her feel, but it wasn’t easy for either of us. No way could I touch Zoe after being near to Lily again, and that was another problem.

  Sex was high on Zoe’s list of priorities. She was always in the mood, and sometimes she treated it like a game. We even joked about how she never seemed to have a headache. Which I had heard was a woman’s usual excuse for a night off from that particular activity.

  Sensing a major shift in my mood, Zoe was trying hard to pull me out of my funk and after a week suggested we all go dancing. I was nervous about doing something else to hurt Lily, and I didn’t want to run into her when I was with Zoe. Or even to bump into her with someone else, because the way I was feeling, that would have destroyed me.

  Drew and Elle suggested going to Fort Lauderdale, arguing that it was far enough away, and with Lily working in a club three nights a week already, it would be highly unlikely she’d want to go dancing on her nights off.

  So, I let them talk me into going to ‘Clouds’, a mega club in Fort Lauderdale. Henry my security guy was a regular fixture when I went out now. He was my yoga instructor come protector. So he made all the arrangements, and we drove up the coast to party.

  ‘Clouds,’ was a massive five room venue catering for different genres of music, such as Rap, Electro/Euro club/top40, House. There was one other room, with a crazy mix of foam parties and girls dancing in raised podiums to Dance- Mix covers by various artists.

  Most of the clubs in Florida were packed, and this was no exception. Glad in one way that we had a VIP area where we were guaranteed a table, but pissed off on the other that I couldn’t just get down with everyone else, and let myself loose with strangers once in a while.

  Frustrating part was it felt like I was in a bubble sometimes with the same ol’ faces morning, noon, and night. Glad I’d had a life before I started this one because my feelings were that my language had been much more limited for being around the guys in the band all the time, and little fresh interaction on a daily basis.

  Purple décor and lighting, plush, white leather seating centered round a massive low level white table; the place was definitely designed by a woman. Thick black velvet drapes hung between sections of seating with half partition walls separating us from the next group.

  Our drapes had been drawn in preparation for our arrival, and Henry had already ensured our drink order was being managed.

  Careful planning always went into the band’s nights out now, security and safety being our biggest problems. Most people were great but there was always the one hater, who wanted to beat the shit out of us because we were where they wanted to be.

  Because there were a few VIP sections, there was a dance floor we could share if we felt like it, but it wasn’t something I was interested in that night. Zoe wanted to dance, so I conceded to going there, but I had told Henry and the others to entertain her, because the last thing I felt like was getting up close and personal with her.

  I felt bad about that most of the time lately; Zoe had always been tactile with me, and it just felt wrong to me now that I’d seen Lily again. I found myself in a place and a time I neither wanted to be in. Playing as was becoming usual to everyone else’s tune.

  Part of the band, keeping Zoe happy, avoiding Lily to keep her happy—I was tired of that particular gig. Life without Lily was no life, my heart ached for her, and to be honest there were several times during the past couple of years, I had wished I’d never met her.

  Drew and Elle were merry, playing drinking games with Zoe and Des. Des had picked a woman up in a gas station and brought her along with him but was currently ignoring her, and Andy was at the bar talking to Henry.

  Slumping back in my seat, the night was slowing down. I’d had a few to drink as well and was feeling depressed and tired. I knew drinking would be a bad idea with the way I was feeling, so I had stopped after three beers and two Jack and Cokes and I kinda opted out of the conversation and was just listening to the tunes trying to clear my mind.

  A One Republic number came on, “Stop and Stare” and the lyrics began jumping out at me— “I think I’m moving but I’m going nowhere,” thinking about Lily, I thought I was moving on, yet the first opportunity to breathe the same air at the same time, and I manipulated it to make it happen.

  “I become what I can’t be.” Playing music just for music’s sake wasn’t a choice I could make anymore. Every note I sung or played was manufactured for business and the greed of others.

  Familiar feelings were making me think about Lily all the time, especially tonight, feelings like the ones I got when she was near me, or watching me. I can’t really explain it, maybe it was just that I loved her with all my heart, and it wished she was here with me instead of Zoe.

  Looking up, Zoe was heading toward me smiling. She looked buzzed. Very funny and playful when she was like this and it made me smile back at her. Without hesitation she straddled me and I could see she was about to kiss me, so I leaned back against the plush seating, to prevent that from happening.

  Zoe started teasing me, telling me I was being an old man and how she’d worn me out, and she began undulating, her hips over my dick. The last thing I wanted was for her to make me hard while I was thinking about Lily, so I placed my hands on her hips to keep her still.

  Tuning in, Zoe wasn’t stupid, so she asked me if she was on borrowed time. The look on her face was serious and kind of resigned that this is what was going on. My first thought was to soothe her so I stroked her back as I spoke, and told her that I was in a funk because I’d bumped into the girl I told her about.

  Seeing Zoe nod like she understood, and I knowing I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to her yet either, I began to tickle her and said, “Don’t think you’re going anywhere just yet, just lay here with me.”

  Still sitting astride me and without another word, she laid her head on my shoulder. Sliding down, I made myself more comfortable, and closed my eyes, allowing my mind to replay my last conversation with Lily again. Incredible blue eyes had stared back at me, so full of everything she never said. I knew as soon as she looked at me that she still loves me.

  Thinking about Lily and having Zoe lying across me felt wrong on so many levels. I swept my hand through my hair and decided to move Zoe off of me, making my mind up she couldn’t sit on me like that after today, not when my mind is full of Lily.

  There were times when I was having sex with Zoe and thinking of Lily at the same time, and I felt bad about that as well. None of this was her fault, and I definitely didn’t want her to become another victim of
my fucked up emotions.

  Slowly, I lifted her off of me. Rolling over onto the seat next to me, she curled up and put her hands under her cheeks. Moving away from her I settled down and stared into space like a zombie.

  “Are we getting another round of drinks, or what, Alfie?” Looking up Des was standing holding hands with the girl from the gas station. Shaking my head, I said, “No, I think I’m gonna head home in a few.”

  Des smirked. “Alright, dude, but don’t wait up for me, Lexie and I are going to a more intimate party down at the Marriott, isn’t that right, Lexie.” The girl smirked, but didn’t protest her innocence or tell Des off, so I figured she was happy with the arrangement.

  Shaking Zoe awake a few minutes later, I told her we were leaving. Drew and Elle came over and asked if they could have a word. Zoe went to the restroom and from the serious look on Drew’s face I knew he thought what he was about to say, wouldn’t go down to well with me.

  “So, Alfie, we have something to tell you, and I know the timing isn’t the best an’ all, but we can’t keep waiting for everything to be cool between you and Lily, cause in my book, we’d be waiting forever.”

  As soon as he said it, I knew that Elle was going to be a permanent feature of Crakt Soundzz. “When is the big day, make sure to tell Keiron or you’re bound to be gigging that day.”

  Just like that I’d made it okay for Drew to talk about marrying Elle. Drew’s body sagged like he’d been waiting me to blow a fuse or something. I wasn’t going to give him any drama that he’d found the girl of his dreams. Elle was a great girl, pity she was Lily’s best friend.

  “Congratulations guys, I’m stoked for you both.” My voice was genuine and happy about the news.

  Drew cracked a wide grin. “So you’re okay to be my best man then?”

  Smirking, my eyes flicked to Elle, I could see the car crash thoughts going on right there in her face. Lily would be her maid of honor.