Spiraling

by H. Karhoff

  My boyfriend was in the dining room, huddled with a group of his friends. I tried to get his attention, but failed. He waved me off like he would a mosquito. Sighing, I decided to see who else had shown up. I walked around and talked to everyone I knew, pretending to have a great time. In reality, I couldn’t wait to get out of there. I was tired from being woken up at five that morning to scrub the hall bathroom because I’d missed a spot on the mirror. The only reason I’d gone to the party was to hang out with my new boyfriend and my best friend, who were both otherwise engaged.

  Just before eleven, Chad tore away from his friends to drive me home after I reminded him about my curfew, which I’d moved up an hour. He hadn’t said much to me the entire evening and the ride home wasn’t any different. The radio was turned up in the car so neither of us could have heard the other even if we had tried to talk. When he pulled up to my house, he said goodnight and gave me a quick peck on the cheek. Then he stared at me as if he were annoyed that I was still in his car until I opened the door and got out.

  Walking over to the porch, I watched the taillights of his car disappear around the corner. Then I sat down on the bottom step to think. I needed a few minutes to myself before I faced whatever waited inside. James and Mom had been fighting when I left. Even though I’d been gone for hours, I could still hear them yelling when I got close to the door. On the steps, their shouts were only a faint hum and, if I focused, I could block them out altogether.

  A cricket hopped across the large section of walk illuminated by the porch light. He disappeared for a moment in my shadow. Then he continued into the weed-filled flowerbed where his friends were already chirping tirelessly. I liked the sound of their calls and the feel of the cool night breeze. With the noise of Chad’s car stereo completely gone, the cicadas joined the crickets’ song and an owl hooted in the distance. Using my knees to support my elbows, I rested my chin in my hands, closed my eyes, and listened to the concerto as new musicians slowly joined in. Their gentle song helped clear my mind of all the chaos. I didn’t have to think about the list of chores my stepfather had undoubtedly come up with to keep me busy the rest of the weekend or my disappointing social life. For those moments, all I had to do was breathe.

  Three

  The second Monday in October was the first time in weeks that I’d woken up feeling like I’d slept the night before. Mom, James, and the twins had been gone all weekend. Without having the twins under my feet, all of my chores and homework were done by Sunday afternoon. Chris and I ordered pizza for dinner so there weren’t any dishes, and I was in bed by the time Mom and James got home at ten.

  I felt like singing as I walked to school with Joy. Normally, I hated days when Kennedy was sick, but I wasn’t going to let her flu bug ruin one of the few mornings I actually wanted to get out of bed.

  Joy and I chatted about our weekends. She’d spent her time volunteering for some group that collected household items for victims of the latest natural disaster. Kennedy would have been annoyed with yet another of Joy’s do-gooder stories, but by the time we got to school, I was ready to volunteer for the next canned food drive.

  The talk of the school all morning was the football game the previous Friday. Our team had shut out our rivals and there were a lot of people predicting another state championship. The guys on the team became overnight celebrities. Even Jason received a lot of attention, despite spending most of the game on the bench. I was glad that Kennedy wasn’t at school to see all the girls flirting with him. She was already self-conscious enough about Jason’s feelings, considering that they’d been hanging out for over a month and he still hadn’t asked her out.

  My outlook dwindled from awesome to awful as the hours between eight and three ticked away. I was ready for the day to be over by the end of seventh hour. Chad decided to be a complete jerk. Any time I tried to talk to him, he either got annoyed or ignored me altogether. Our so-called friends weren’t much better. They were all preoccupied with their own lives and couldn’t have cared less about my existence. Without Kennedy to talk to, my list of confidants defaulted to Joy, who ditched me at lunch to hang out with her geeky Math Club friends. I’d never felt more alone.

  I hoped things would be better after school. Leaving algebra, I stopped at Chad’s locker. He was talking to Andy Birch, so I waited for an opening before I said hello.

  “What’s up, Tori?” Chad turned toward me.

  “Do you think you could give me a ride?” I asked. “Jason said practice was cancelled because of the rain.”

  He shook his head. “Andy and I are hitting the weight room.”

  “You could take me home and then come back.”

  “I don’t have time. Why don’t you see if your brother will give you a ride?”

  He shut his locker. Then he turned and started talking to Andy again as if I wasn’t there. I looked around, feeling uncomfortable. Thankfully, Joy walked down the hall a few feet away. She may not have been my first choice for an escape route, but she was better than nothing. Catching up with her, I put on my best smile.

  “Hey, Joy,” I said. “Missed you at lunch today.”

  “I sat with Tracy and Jenna,” she replied.

  “Oh.”

  I glanced at the crowd gathering in the commons area. Jeremiah Turley rocked the vending machine back and forth in order to dislodge a bag of potato chips. He was a gigantic boy—built like a linebacker with an overpowering personality and violent reputation. Of all the people in school, he was my least favorite. I generally went out of my way to avoid coming in contact with him.

  “There you go,” he said as he set the vending machine back on all four legs.

  “Thanks, Jer,” Becky Phillips replied.

  Becky was Kennedy’s older sister and my brother’s best friend. She had shoulder-length dark hair that she kept in a ponytail at the base of her neck and always dressed like she was about to go to a college football game. As soon as she retrieved her chips from the bin at the bottom of the vending machine, she sat down at the junior table with my brother.

  “You know, Becky might actually be pretty if she didn’t dress like a guy,” I said, turning back to Joy.

  “I think she’s pretty,” Joy replied.

  “Yeah, she is, but she could be really pretty, you know. If she just dressed a bit better and wore a little make-up. It’s like she just doesn’t care.”

  “Maybe she doesn’t. Some girls don’t.”

  “Like Louisa Wolfram?”

  Joy looked at me. “What’s wrong with Louisa Wolfram?”

  “Did you see what she was wearing today?”

  Joy shook her head. “I didn’t notice. What was wrong with it?”

  “Well, for starters, she didn’t match. Her pants were like baby poop green and her shirt was this terrible orange color. I would shoot myself if I ever even thought about walking out of the house like that.”

  “Like I said, some people aren’t concerned with appearances.”

  “Everyone is concerned about appearance,” I said. “I think she goes out of her way to look awful so people think she doesn’t care. You can’t look that hideous without trying.”

  “Maybe she just puts on the first thing she touches, like she says.”

  “That might be, but she has to get those clothes somewhere. She purposely buys the most revolting things she can find. She has to. Even a blind monkey could look nice if they had the right wardrobe.”

  “A blind monkey?” Joy laughed as we turned the corner into the side hall. I could hear her chuckling as I unsuccessfully tried my locker combination. Spinning it back to zero, I started again, sure I’d gotten the right numbers, but it wouldn’t open.

  “Dang it.” I kicked my locker. “Stupid thing.” With the day I’d had, it didn’t surprise me that my locker malfunctioned. At least once a week, it refused to open and I’d be late for class fighting with it.

  “Would you like some help?” an unfamiliar boy asked.

  Without looking up
all I could see was a faded black t-shirt and tattered jeans. It was the typical apparel of the less-than-desirable portion of the student body. They weren’t people I liked being around and having one less than a foot away made me cringe.

  “I’m fine,” I said, hoping he would go away.

  I pulled the latch on my locker door and got it to open. As I put my books in my bag, I could see the scruffily-dressed boy out of the corner of my eye. His close proximity irritated me. He either didn’t understand the concept of personal space or had no problem violating it.

  Taking my bag out of my locker, I shut the door and turned toward the boy, intent on telling him off for his rude behavior. When I realized his full size, however, my resolve was replaced by the urge to run away. He was tall. Maybe not Jeremiah Turley tall, but a lot bigger than me. My heart rate increased as I found myself staring at a wall of black. Timidly, I looked up, biting my lip to stop it from quivering.

  The second my eyes landed on his face, my fear dissipated. He was gorgeous. His fair skin was flawless aside from a scar above his eyebrow that ran across the left side of his forehead and disappeared into his hairline below his temple. Dark blond stubble adorned the gentle curve of his jaw. When he looked down at me, his ash blond hair fell into his gentle, deep blue eyes.

  “Hi,” he said.

  I didn’t realize until I tried to speak that I was holding my breath. I exhaled audibly and blushed as I clumsily replied, “Hi. I…I’m Tori.”

  “Devon.”

  “Are you new here?” It was an obvious question and I felt like an idiot for asking it, but I couldn’t think of anything else to say.

  “Yeah,” he answered. “First day.”

  “How… How do you like it so far?”

  “It’s not so bad. Looking better by the minute.”

  He gave me a charming smirk that caused my heart to skip a beat. I smiled back and bit the side of my lip. Before I could say anything else, however, Joy nudged my arm.

  “Are you ready to go, Tori?” she asked.

  I looked at her, but my brain wouldn’t process the words she’d spoken. “What?”

  “Are you ready to go?” she repeated.

  “Sure,” I said. Then I turned back to Devon. “See you tomorrow?”

  “I hope so,” he replied.

  I slung my bag over my shoulder as Joy prodded me to walk away. Devon followed a few seconds later, joining Jeremiah Turley and a few other boys beside the vending machine. I glanced back at him a few times before he was out of view. The last time I looked, I caught his eye. He smiled at me. My cheeks reddened and I turned away, giggling.

  “Tori.” Joy shoved her elbow into my arm.

  I looked at her. “What?”

  “What are you doing?”

  “Nothing.”

  “That’s not nothing,” she said. “Why are you flirting with that guy?”

  “I wasn’t flirting,” I replied. “I think we need to talk about what flirting is.”

  “I know what flirting is. You were flirting with that guy. You like him, don’t you?”

  “No.” I shook my head.

  “I saw the way you were looking at him.”

  “Get real, Joy. I just met the guy. I mean, sure, he seemed nice.”

  “He didn’t seem nice to me. He looks like a vagrant.”

  “Well, he didn’t smell like one.”

  I took in a breath, remembering the scent of his cologne. It was reminiscent of a cool spring morning after a nighttime thunderstorm. I loved the way the air smelled after rain. Some mornings, before the sun completely broke the horizon, I’d sit on the porch swing taking in the damp, clean scent and listening to the last notes of night’s symphony as it slowly transformed into the noise of day. Those still dark moments just before the light were always my favorite. There was never anyone else around and I could clear my head of all the stuff people told me to think.

  “Sure, you don’t like him.” Joy chuckled. “Just remember you have a boyfriend.”

  “I know.”

  “And besides, did you see the people he was talking to when we left?”

  “I saw them.”

  “They aren’t exactly the nicest people,” she said.

  “And?”

  “And if he’s hanging out with them, he’s probably a druggie.”

  I stopped walking and looked at her. “My brother hangs out with them sometimes.”

  She got quiet. For the rest of the walk home, she avoided saying anything about the guy in the hall or the group of boys in the commons. When we got to our street I left her at the end of her driveway and walked down three houses to Kennedy’s. The door was open when I got there. I could see Kennedy watching television through the glass screen door. I knocked and she glanced over, waving me inside.

  “Hi, Tori,” she said.

  “Hey,” I replied.

  “Anything happen at school today?”

  I plopped down on the couch beside her. “There’s a new guy.”

  “Okay,” she replied, disinterested.

  “He is gorgeous, Kenn. He has the prettiest blue eyes and—”

  “You have a boyfriend.”

  “I know.”

  “The way you’re going on about this new guy it sounds like you like him or something. Don’t forget, you already have a super-hot and totally popular boyfriend. Unlike some of us.”

  “I know,” I repeated. “But you should see the new guy. He makes Chad look like Quasimodo.”

  She scrunched her forehead and looked at me. “Who?”

  “From The Hunchback of Notre Dame.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Nobody’s that cute.”

  “Devon is.”

  She frowned. “Don’t do this, Tori.”

  “Do what?” I asked.

  “This. This thing you always do. You get what you want and then you see something you think is better and you want that.”

  “No, I don’t.” I shook my head.

  “Yes, you do. You were fine with Chad until this new guy shows up and then suddenly Chad isn’t good enough. Just because something’s new doesn’t make it better. Look at CDs. You didn’t have to worry about cassettes skipping or getting scratched every time you hit a bump in the car. You should be happy you have a boyfriend at all. Some of us don’t.”

  “Whatever.” I sighed. “I’m just going to go. Mrs. White assigned like twenty pages of problems and it’s going to take me all night to do them. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?”

  “Sure.”

  Listening to another one of her pity parties was not on my list of things to do. It bothered me that no matter what I said, Kennedy always found a way to make everything about her. Just once, I wanted her to listen to what I had to say.

  As I walked down the block to my house, I was surprised to see my stepfather’s car in the driveway. I was usually the only one home until after four. Pausing on the porch, I took a deep breath before I opened the door. I could hear the twins screaming on the other side and I wasn’t prepared to deal with their brand of chaos. I just wanted to be by myself and get started on what would be a long night of homework. In addition to algebra, I had a ton of other stuff I had to do and I was behind in biology. With the twins already home, however, there was little hope that I would get caught up on anything. They had destroyed the front room and were working on moving all of the toys from their bedroom into the hall.

  “Hey, Sweetie.” Mom called from the kitchen as soon as I closed the front door.

  I set my bag down on the stairs and walked toward the kitchen, navigating the obstacle course the twins had created in the front room. Mom stood next to the counter, peeling potatoes and letting the brown peels fall into the open trash can. It was strange to see her out of her office during the week, so I looked around to see if we had unexpected company. The only other person in the room was my stepfather, who appeared to be in an uncharacteristic good mood.

  “How was your day?” Mom asked.

  “Fine,
” I answered. “What’s going on?”

  “I’m making dinner. It’ll be a little while if you want to get started on your homework. After we eat, we’re going to have a family meeting. Could you go upstairs and make sure your brother’s still home?”

  “Sure.” I shrugged.

  I walked out of the kitchen, completely baffled. My mom hadn’t cooked dinner since the semester began. On top of that, it was Monday and she wasn’t making spaghetti. I picked up my bag at the bottom of the stairs and went up to my brother’s door. Music played inside, but I knocked to make sure he was there. He had a habit of leaving his stereo on even when he wasn’t home.

  “What?” he yelled.

  I opened the door a few inches. “Mom wanted me to make sure you were home.”

  “Why?”

  “She said we were going to have a family meeting after dinner.”

  “What about?”

  “I don’t know.” I shrugged.

  “Maybe they’re getting a divorce,” he said. “That’d be great.”

  “That’s mean.”

  “Whatever.” He rolled his eyes at me. “It’s not like you wouldn’t jump up and down for joy if they did.”

  “That doesn’t mean we should say it.”

  “Why not?” he asked. “It’s the truth.”

  “It’s still mean.”

  “Oh, yeah, I forgot I was talking to Little Miss Goody-Goody.”

  “I’m not a goody-goody,” I said.

  “Whatever,” he retorted. “Just go away, Twerp. I’ve got shit to do.”

  I shut his door and retraced my steps down the hall to my room. Like my mom had suggested, I took advantage of the opportunity to get started on my homework. It was a lot easier to do math problems when I wasn’t exhausted. By the time Mom yelled that it was dinner time, I’d made it through most of the problems Mrs. White assigned.

  As soon as we finished eating, Chris and I sat down on the couch and waited for Mom to call the family meeting to order. The twins played on the floor in front of us and James turned on the news.