Goodnight, Elsie

by Tony Apperley

  As they were casually talking away together, the doorbell rang. Frank opened the door to see Ivan standing there, looking a little worried. Frank invited him in and they sat at the dining room table. Elsie also came and sat with them. Frank offered him coffee, but Ivan was here to do some serious talking so declined the coffee as he just wanted to speak to them both.

  At Frank and Elsie’s house, coffee generally went with casual friendly chatter, but this wasn’t a casual visit. Ivan needed to talk to them about where they were at with their faith as things weren’t looking too good for them. He was concerned for their spiritual side. Although it was Elsie who was rapidly declining, he knew Frank was getting on in age and was under a lot of stress. He was worried that Frank may bring a heart attack or stroke on himself with all the pressure he was under. He knew of his history of high blood pressure and high cholesterol. So Ivan wanted them to sort out their faith in preparation for what may soon happen. Elsie wasn’t up for a serious debate about God, so left the room to go and read another magazine. But she decided to watch some TV instead as she had read all her magazines several times, including the new ones. Besides that, reading took energy and concentration, whereas watching TV took no energy at all.

  Ivan raised the subject of their faith and church attendance. “Is it not the right time now to come along to the church more often? If you can’t get there on your own, I could arrange a pickup for you both. You’re in a stressful situation, so now would be the hour to call upon the Lord, your God. If you were to seek his direction in life, you would feel an inner peace descend upon you both to help get you through these difficult times. There may even be an inner spiritual and emotional healing if you’re prepared to ask for it. But you do need to ask, you have to want it in order to receive it. Death will of course come to all of us at some point, so it’s best to know your God prior to passing over. That way he will know you when you go from this life to the next one. Remember that the way to the Father is via the Son, so reach out to Jesus; this really is the time to get serious about your faith.” Ivan continued on in that theme but Frank was not responding at all.

  As Ivan was talking, Frank thought it sounded like a sermon, he thought he should be saying all this from the pulpit. Ivan had already said it many times as a sermon, but Frank and Elsie weren’t at the church any of the times he had talked about the transition from this life to the next. Frank was mulling over in his mind just where it was that God was at as far as Elsie was concerned. He was wondering if indeed there really was a God, or if he had just been wasting his time occasionally going along to church. He said to Ivan, “So where’s God now? I’ve heard you speak at church about healing and miracles, yet here I am watching my wife suffering, no healing, or miracles going on here. It’s the man-made medical teams that are sorting it out. If God was real, and here, wouldn’t he heal her or just take her so as not to allow her to suffer?” Ivan had heard similar things before. His life calling as a spokesman for God’s words and ways had brought him into contact with many people in unfortunate situations, so that comment wasn’t new to him.

  “God is where he always is and where he will always be. He’s at your side, but you need to acknowledge him in order to have any form of contact, if you choose to call on him, he will give you peace. People are not just flesh and bones, we have spirits within us. God is watching over your spirits as you are both going through this difficult time. He will not abandon you, so call on him in your hour of need and you will feel at peace, instead of feeling tormented and frustrated by what’s happening in your lives. If Elsie was to pass on soon, let’s make sure her spirit goes to the right place. You’ve been coming along to church for many years and sung hymns and listened to God’s word, so now would be a good time to actually activate your faith. Church isn’t just about having somewhere to go when you’re bored on a Sunday or at Christmas or Easter. You’ve sung the songs-now live the faith. Instead of just talking about God, now would be a good time to actually get to know him, reach out to him, he’s there for you.”

  Frank got annoyed by that, “to heck with God, you say all this stuff about God, but he’s not helping, I think we’ve wasted our time at church. I’ve heard all about God, but truly Ivan, where is he when we really need him? I think it’s all just talk.”

  “Like I just said Frank, he’s where he’s always been. He’s at your side, looking to help you, it’s just whether you choose to accept him in your life, or not, that determines his part in this. He can’t help if you won’t let him or don’t want him to. He doesn’t barge into people’s lives uninvited; he’s not a dictator forcing you to do things against your will. Talk to him, Frank, he’s listening if you choose to seek his guidance and peace. Spiritually knock on his door, he will open it, and you will find the peace that you seek. I’m sure he’s waiting for you to do so.”

  Frank said, “we have sung the songs and heard all about Jesus and the resurrection and all that goes with it, about how to live and so on. We are not sinners, we don’t do wrong things, so when our time is up, if what you say is true, then we should be okay when we meet him.”

  Ivan looked stern and said, “you call yourselves Christians because you occasionally come to church and live a clean life. It’s a good way to live. That doesn’t actually make you a Christian though. Being a Christian is about actually knowing God in a spiritual sense, accepting Jesus as your savior, and having a relationship with him. Anyone can live a clean life, atheists can be socially pure, but that makes them heathens, not Christians.”

  That deeply touched Frank. “Yes, I know that. I’m sorry Ivan. It’s true what you say. I didn’t mean to oppose you or question God’s motives or my faith. I’m just a bit worn out, I’m tired physically and mentally, and I’m not sure where all this is leading to. So yes, you’re right, it is time to get a bit closer to God, as we may be in his backyard soon. Perhaps I’ve gotten a bit sidetracked lately, we will start coming to church more often, if that’s what we need to do.”

  Ivan liked that. “That would be good, it would be nice to see you both there, but bear in mind that just coming to church is not what I’m referring to, there’s more to it than that. I suggested it so you could perhaps be more in touch with him, and so you can hear God’s word and maybe start to believe what it is you’ve been singing about. Think of the words you sing when you do come, hymns are not just songs, they have meanings. Get to know God internally, even a satanic worshipper could pop along to a church, it wouldn’t make him saved though, he’d need to get rid of his old ways first. Church isn’t just about singing songs and hearing sermons, you need to accept what you hear and sing about. Know the Lord, your God, internally, just sitting in a pew won’t save you. You already know all this Frank, I think you did get sidetracked somewhere along the way. But anyway, is it not time to get some professional help to care for Elsie? You’re no youngster anymore so I think you have too big a burden to bear. You’re doing well, but you’re not trained to handle this. Sometimes we need help, why not get some? Janine would be helpful for you both.”

  Frank felt he was right about that, he was taking on too much responsibility, it was his natural way of looking at things after years of being a supervisor, and he felt it was all his responsibility. So maybe now he should get some assistants in to do the actual basic chores, he could then supervise them. And in doing so, spend some quality time with his wife instead of having to worry about the day-to-day basics. Or, there was another alternative.

  He said to Ivan, “care-giving for Elsie hasn’t been as easy it seems; it would be different if I was looking after someone who wasn’t attached to me. Others don’t see how hard it is to look after a loved one who you know is never going to get better, and is on the way to dying. There’s no cure for Alzheimer’s, so we’re just biding our time until it’s all over. I’m constantly seeing her get sicker. You yourself may have some concern as that’s your job, but if it was your wife we were talking about, I bet you’d have a different perspective on
the situation. It’s hard to watch someone you love daily suffering. I’ve been considering ending it, either for her or both of us, just a thought at this point, but it is a possibility.”

  Ivan had heard this before, but was shocked to hear it again. “But Elsie’s not suffering. She’s in her own home; she’s warm and dry with three meals a day. She’s clean and well-dressed while she sits around reading magazines or watching TV, she’s not in physical pain as her medication takes her pain away. She has the companionship of the only man she has ever loved all of her life who is her caregiver. I wouldn’t call that suffering. If she was half-way up a mountain, poorly dressed in a blizzard, with broken bones, bleeding, with a pack of hungry wolves approaching, then I could understand taking another’s life and calling it mercy. But if she’s not yet ready for death, perhaps you’re jumping the gun on this. You’ve already said to me that most of the time she’s not even aware she’s sick. You need to seriously think on it, is it mercy or murder if she’s pain-free and comfortable? How will it really help her if she was to die and pass over to the other side without the natural timing being correct? Where would that then leave you? You would be a widower and murderer. If she were to commit suicide without your help, then you’d have nothing to legally worry about, but if you do it, not her, then I’m sure the law would investigate. Helping her to do it is the same as doing it yourself, assisting suicide isn’t legally mercy. So in truth Frank, is she really ready for death when she is well-housed and carefree and painless? I feel you need to think on this more seriously. If you’re approaching death in human terms, then you’re approaching birth in the afterlife, where do you wish to live in your eternal spiritual life? You’d better make a choice. You’ve read the Ten Commandments, do you recall the one Thou Shalt Not Kill! Most of the world has heard that one, of course, many disobey it. You’ve lived your life obeying all the commandments until now, so don’t end your life disobeying that one. That really would be a foolish spiritual step to take, why would you commit murder to enter into death? Taking your own life, as well as hers, is a huge step, I’m sure you’re aware of that. But spiritually it’s even bigger than what you think, so I would suggest to you that it would be a step in the wrong direction. Walk wisely. This will all come to its own natural conclusion in time, just bide your time and reap the rewards for your patience. Don’t be foolish, Frank, it will gain you nothing but eternal misery. You’re doing well here and I see the commitment you have to your wife, I find that commendable. But please, do consider getting in extra help.” Ivan then stood up, ready to leave. “Well, I really need to get going now, I pray God’s hand upon you, remember you can call me anytime if you need anything. So long.” As he left, he said a loud good-bye to Elsie also, then muttered a quiet blessing on their home and lives. He was seriously worried about these two. He was aware that Frank was not the same man he once was.

  After Ivan had left, Frank went to find Elsie; she was asleep on the couch, so he turned off the TV, which had been muted anyway. She must have been listening to their conversation but drifted off to sleep, that was either her lack of concentration, or lack of caring. He left her where she was as she looked comfortable and at ease. Seeing her laying there, in comfort, without a care, got him thinking about all that Ivan had said. His logical, side disagreed with him, but his spiritual side was now uneasy with what he had heard, what if Ivan was right? What would the afterlife have to offer him if he committed murder? But then, who was to say it was murder, the law might say so, but was the law based on morals or the controlling judgment of generations of politicians? Would it be murder if he lived in a desert or jungle somewhere in the world? But he didn’t live in a desert or jungle, he lived in suburbia. So he would just have to accept the fact that legally he couldn’t take her life, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t. If he took his own life also, they would have no one to arrest. But then is assisting suicide really murder? He thought of it as mercy. The law says it is, but is it really? He had lots going on his mind. It was time for another coffee. Ivan had upset his applecart; he was not aware that he was also slowly losing the plot, not medically; it was just the strain on him.

  The next day, he was back at Dave and Julie’s; he was spending a lot of time there lately. He talked to Dave about what Ivan had said. Dave was an atheist by choice so had no spiritual leanings of any kind. He had been raised in a Christian home with lots of Christian input when he was a youngster. He rebelled against his parents in his early teens, so when he grew up and left home, he rebelled against godly ways also. He dumped his Christian upbringing in favor of what he called a life of freedom. He had never gone back down that track, although he felt like he was in bondage to his supposed freedom. He thought he was free to do what he wanted, when he wanted, how he wanted, but he had suffered severe repercussions because of that. Socially and legally that hadn’t always worked out well for him. It may have if he’d had a different approach to life, but his rebellion still hadn’t settled down.

  Frank was tending to side with Dave’s way of thinking more often lately. He said to him, “I go to church as more of a social pastime than a religious calling. For me and Elsie, it was just about fitting in with the community after we moved here. Prior to coming here, we were free-spirited and open to whichever calling was strongest. Back in the 60’s and early 70’s there were lots of alternative religions we looked at, but then Elsie and I both decided we needed some sort of solid faith. We started going to the local church as it was a traditional one, which had a solid foundation, so we were sure it would still be there many years later, and it is. We just pop along sometimes but haven’t ever gotten too involved, so we didn’t have to be overly committed. We could just sit there and ignore it all if we wanted to, but some of it did rub off on us, so we do believe in God, we just never bothered with the Pentecostal or charismatic side of the faith though. So technically, we’re Christians. Whether or not that works in the afterlife, we’ll just have to wait and see.”

  Dave scoffed at that. “The Bible says do not commit murder. You’d better make a choice about what side of the fence you’re on as Elsie needs your help. I don’t see God about the place at all. Throw your Bible in the garbage bin; let’s just deal with the situation without all that God stuff dragging you down.”

  Frank wondered who or what was maybe dragging him down, although he didn’t feel like he was being dragged anywhere. It was just another opinion that wasn’t asked for. There were an awful lot of outside influences on their lives lately. More on his life than hers as she didn’t often speak to many people nowadays. But it did seem to him at times like he was getting bombarded from outside influences. Part of his stress and confusion came from others telling him what he should do, but he didn’t really know who to trust or what he should do.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  One morning Elsie woke up feeling good; she wanted to go out somewhere so after breakfast Frank suggested they go to the club. She was keen on that so agreed as she had been feeling bored lately. So they went to the Over 65s club for a day out. They arrived just shortly after it had opened its doors for the day so they could be there all day if they chose to.

  As they entered Bernadine approached them, keen to discuss something with Frank. She smiled at them both and said, “hello you two, good to see you again. If you have a spare minute Frank, I’d like to talk about something with you. Come over to our group whenever you’re ready.”

  He smiled back at her and said, “yes, I’m up for a talk. I’ll see you soon.” Then he and Elsie walked off to get a seat close to the artists. Elsie wanted to watch them actually create their paintings. She was keen to see how they created the finished work from start to finish. She wanted to see how a blank canvas ended up as a visual representation of what they were thinking.

  As they sat there watching, with Elsie intrigued by what they were doing, Frank was feeling like he wanted to do something else. He was a fan of art but more of the finished work than watching how it actually happens. He sa
id to Elsie, “I’ll go and have a talk with Bernadine, I won’t be long,”

  Elsie looked at him suspiciously, “how do you know her, is there something I don’t know about?”

  “I met her here the last time we came; she’s married to Jason. We had a talk while you were with the folks reading books.”

  She just said, “okay then, I’ll stay here.”

  Frank went over to where Bernadine was sitting with a group who all looked like they were having a serious conversation about something. It seemed more like a meeting than a friendly group having a casual talk.

  When Frank arrived, Bernadine stood up and said loudly, “this is Frank Herbert.” In a softer tone, she said to Frank, “some of these people weren’t here the last time you came. Take a seat.”

  Frank sat down wondering what was going on; it was definitely more like a formal group than a casual one.

  Bernadine said, “we’re talking about organizing an official group to support legalizing euthanasia. Our group will represent the club so we need as many members as possible. There are lots of people throughout the city who agree with euthanasia being legal, so when we have an official group, we will link in with the rest of them. That will make for a very large group, so the officials will need to look at it seriously. There are other groups scattered throughout the country, but we have all decided to tighten things up a bit so we will be treated more seriously, not just like a bunch of protesters. So, our group will join the local group, which will join the national group. So over time, as it grows bigger, the federal government will really have to start looking at it properly, instead of just pushing the issue away. We intend to take the issue to the local government first, so then they can take it further than we can. But we need to get them on our side; we can do that by getting lots of members. You know politicians tend to react more to numbers than the actual issue involved. So the more of us there are, the more likely they’ll be to listen and respond.”