Who I Am With You

by Amanda Lanclos

  “I’m glad you’re here. I love you.” She gives me a sad smile as I close my eyes. Before sleep overtakes me, I think about what I said. I wasn’t just saying it, that much I remember. The woman standing there was always a constant in my life and my heart knew something that my head didn’t. I loved her.

  After spending a week in the hospital, my doctor finally deemed me capable of leaving. My memory still hadn’t come back and I was afraid I’d never really know myself anymore. That is one of the scariest feelings I’m dealing with in this whole ordeal; not knowing anything about my life. Was I in love? Did I have a boyfriend? What hobbies did I enjoy? Did I love music? Did I dance half naked in my room like all the girls did on television? I’d been anxious when Mom pulled the Tahoe into the driveway of a house I didn’t recognize.

  “Do you live here?” I asked as I took in the scenery before me.

  “No baby, this is your house.” She laughs softly.

  “Oh,” I mumble as I stare at the home before me. It was a nice size, with four huge cedar columns in the front and painted a beautiful beige, with dark trim around the windows. There were tons of roses, shrubs and crepe myrtles in the flowerbeds surrounding the home. But, what drew my eye was a beautiful cream-colored fountain in the corner near the driveway. It had a beautiful fleur de lis on it and water poured from four spouts as well as overflowing from the top. Beside it was a small bronze iron table and two chairs, with a sign behind it that held the words, ‘Kennedy’s nook’. Tears pooled in my eyes as I read the words, my heart was pounding because yet again, this was something I couldn’t remember. But, it was obvious that I loved this place; almost as if it were my sacred spot.

  “You’re finally here!” A girl with black hair comes running out near the Tahoe, screaming. I take in her features, trying to remember anything about her. I know by what Mom told me that this is Casey, but I don’t remember anything other than that. As I exit the vehicle, she scoops me into a hug and I slowly relax into her. As I pull away, she smiles. “Let me get a good look at you! I was so worried, Ken! You screamed and that was the last thing I heard on the phone!”

  I watch her as she continues to ramble about meeting me at the hospital in the ambulance, worried that I might not make it out and how this was the worst month and a half of her whole life. I watch as her button nose scrunches with the faces she makes and her perfectly arched eyebrows raises when she expresses herself.

  “Come on, Kennedy. I’ll bring you to your room, I’m sure you want to see what makes you, well, you.” Casey slides her arm into mine before pulling me toward the house.

  “This is beautiful,” I look around in astonishment as we walk into the kitchen from the garage. I take in the beautiful mahogany cabinets, stainless steel appliances and the beautiful tan colored tile backsplash with cream fleur de lis accents.

  “You designed it all yourself,” my mother says, her voice full of pride. I don’t have to look at her to know that she’s proud of the person I am. My only wish is that I knew who that person was.

  “Your room is down the hall to the right. I’ll let you go through your things, but if you need me, I’ll be down the hall,” Casey says as she starts to walk toward the other end of the house. Before she gets very far she turns back to where I’m standing. “I’m glad your back, even if you aren’t staying long.”

  “I’ll whip us up some lunch in this magnificent kitchen. This is your home, sweet girl. If anything can tell you about who you are, it’s going to be this place.” My mother places her hand on my cheek before moving toward the kitchen. She hesitates for a moment, before speaking. “Look around and see if anything brings you back to yourself.”

  I hate this feeling. This is obviously my place, but I feel as if I am a stranger here. I feel as though walking into my bedroom is violating someone else’s privacy. I don’t even know how long I sit outside of my bedroom door, my hand holding the doorknob before turning it and walking in.

  “Oh wow,” I say softly as I walk into the space that was mine, deemed by people who I knew, but didn’t really know. I take in the California King bed with the beautiful lilac bedspread on it, covered with cream and rose-colored accent pillows. I walk toward the dresser, looking in the mirror to the face that haunts me. It is me, yet I know nothing about myself. There are frames on the wall with pictures of Casey and me, as well as Mom and me. I notice a photo on the bedside table in an old wooden frame. It’s obvious the picture is old from the faded corners. I pick up the frame, hoping it may help me jog my memory, but it doesn’t do anything. In the picture is a younger version of me, wearing a red plaid shirt, a pair of shorts that I shouldn’t have been able to leave the house in and a pair of cowboy boots. I’m pressed against a shirtless man, wearing just a pair of Wranglers and his boots and we are looking at each other with so much adoration that I feel as if I am violating their moment, just by looking at the picture.

  I put the picture frame back where I found it, slowly walking through the room. I grab an album full of pictures, seeing several of them containing photos of Casey and I through different stages of our lives. It’s obvious that we’ve been through a lot together. Casey is my roommate, but from the pictures she is also my best friend. It made me angry with myself that I couldn’t remember, and it hurt to see the pain in their eyes when they realize I have no clue who they are. I keep looking at the mysterious guy in that picture, but it’s obvious that he isn’t in my life anymore.

  “Hey,” a soft voice comes from the open door, making me jump as if I’ve been caught stealing.

  “Hi,” I say with a smile as I see Casey standing in the doorway.

  “How are you?”

  “I’m okay,” I pat the spot next to me and she comes to sit beside me. “I’m sorry that I can’t remember anything.”

  “Kennedy, you have no reason to be sorry. You’ll remember eventually. But, even if you don’t, I’ll always be your best friend. I moved across the country to be with you here.” She places her head on my shoulder, as she points to a picture. “This was taken when you found out you were approved for the loan to open Designs by K&C.”

  “K&C?”

  “Mmhmm. You named it after us, and made me a partner even though I told you not too. This was your baby and it’s been doing well since you haven’t been here. I’ll make sure it keeps doing well until you’re back to make it grow even more.”

  “I know I don’t remember, but I can tell I’m lucky to have you as a best friend.” I rest my head against hers as we look at the pictures. For over an hour she explains the story behind each photo, giving me something I can never repay her for; my memories. With each photo, I may not remember the memories, but she’s helping me to know who I was and how I can become that person once again.

  “I’m really going to miss not having you here with me,” she says softly as we close the album. “For the past ten years, it’s been you and me against the world,” she sighs before turning her hazel eyes toward me. “Now, it’s just going to be me against the world.”

  “Hey, I’m always just a phone call away.” I hate seeing her sad, but I have to find out who I am before I can help anyone with what’s going on.

  “Thank you for that,” I say sincerely, wrapping my arms around her and hugging her tightly. “I know I may not remember much, but I know that you’re someone I don’t want to live without.”

  “Thanks Ken,” she smiles as she stands up. “Now, get some rest. We have a couple days to pack you up so you can go back home.”

  “Why haven’t I been there in so long?” I asked mom the same question the other day, and she didn’t really want to answer it either. I suppose she was afraid of me changing my mind, but it was already made up. Looking at Casey, I don’t think she’s really going to give me the answer I need either.

  “I think that’s something you’ll have to discover on your own, Ken.” She looks down at her feet before her eyes meet mine again. “I want to tell you, but you’re the one who needs to figure it ou
t yourself and sadly, being back in Barlow is going to help you remember. Even if the pain is too much.”

  “Oh,” I don’t really know how to respond. What could have hurt me so badly that I never wanted to return? Not even to see my mother?

  “I’m going to let you finish exploring your house, and I’ll take you into the office tomorrow morning if you’d like?”

  “I think I’d rather not. I’m not going to remember anyone and I don’t want them to be offended.”

  “That’s your call. Night, Kennedy.”

  “Night, Casey,” I stand up, walk into the bathroom and begin squealing. “Oh my gosh!”

  “Yep, knew that was coming,” she laughs as she closes my bedroom door.

  I stand there in awe of the bathroom in front of me. There is a double vanity with dark stained wood and cream-colored sinks as well as a huge stand up shower with grey tiled walls. There’s a beautiful claw foot tub in the middle of the room and it is absolutely about to be used. Walking over to it, I slide my hand over the porcelain, enjoying the coolness of it on my fingers. I turn the hot water on; testing the temperature before closing the drain off and turning the cold water on to just take some of the heat out. I love hot water, but I don’t want to look like a lobster when I get out.

  My eyes lift to a television mounted on the wall. “Now, I could really get used to this,” I murmur as I find the remote in one of the drawers. I pull out a plush towel, throwing it on the floor beside the tub and explore the huge walk-in closet. My business must really be doing well. There are so many heels, flip flops and boots that I could probably open my own shoe store for women with size seven and a half shoes.

  My fingers trail over the nice material of dresses and shirts before I make my way back out to the tub. Turning the taps off I slide into the water, watching a show called Young & Hungry. I relax as the heated water slides over my tight muscles and sends them into a relaxed state. I haven’t felt more at peace than I do right now and in this moment I wish I could stay here forever. But I know that isn’t an option, because in the morning I have to pack so that I can find just who I am.

  Chapter Four

  Three weeks passed by in a blur. From waking up in a hospital bed with no recollection of who I was, to reliving memories with my mother and my best friend through pictures. Now, Mom and I were making our trek from Montana all the way to Barlow, Texas. A small town of only about seven thousand people, from what Mom told me. Mom drove the Tahoe we rented and loaded it down with enough clothes and belongings of mine to last a lifetime.

  The long twenty-three hour drive took us three days to commute, but we loved every second. We’d stopped at these little hole in the wall restaurants and ate the most amazing food. My favorite had to be this little sandwich place that had these hamburgers with cheese oozing from the inside of the meat and crispy little strings of onions on the top of it. Most people would keep going and find a retail chain, but Momma always wanted to stop at the places that most people wouldn’t. She said you’d never know where a gem was hidden and she’d been right about every single one we stopped at. The people who owned them didn’t just come to work to make money; they came to work because they genuinely loved feeding people the food they’d made.

  Pulling off the interstate Mom lets out a sigh. “Well, we finally made it back. This is where you grew up, baby girl.” She pats my hand as we come to a sign that says ‘Welcome To Barlow’.

  I don’t say anything as I rack my brain, begging my mind to remember anything. But, again it comes up blank. We pass by several little shops and I listen as my mom explains what everything is. Only a couple of people know I’m back home, but she’s asked them to not come around until I’m ready, which is something I am thankful for. I’m still afraid of what Casey said that night, about me fleeing from the pain that this place brings me.

  “Well, here we are,” Mom’s voice infiltrates my thoughts as I look at the trailer we pulled up too. “Not as nice as your house, but it works for me.” She smiles as she puts the car into park.

  “Momma, it is nice.” I look at her in shock. Had I made her feel as if I was superior to her? Because she made me, without her I would never have been created. I was no better than her. I take in the small trailer, with the nice porch deck. It may not be my house, but it wasn’t horrible either.

  “It is, your Dad and I made a good life here.” She gets out of the vehicle, turning to look at me. “Well you coming?”

  “Yes ma’am.” I jump from the seat, walking up the porch steps and into the door she just unlocked. When I walk into the house, I am bombarded with smells that I can only associate with home. I remember the scents, because it’s something that’s engrained into my brain. Memories of myself as a younger girl start to run through my brain, but they don’t go further than my father. I can’t remember my life without him. Maybe that was the pain that Casey was trying to keep me from feeling.

  “You okay, baby?” Mom’s hands grab my shoulders as I sway. Her eyes fill with concern and I give her what I hope is a reassuring smile.

  “Yes ma’am. I remember some things, like dancing on Daddy’s feet, twirling around right there,” I point to where a coffee table now sits in the middle of a rug on the living room floor. “But I don’t remember anything past him not coming home from work that day.”

  “It is probably your mind’s way of helping you relive the pain.” She wraps me into her arms and rubs my back. “You’ll remember everything soon, sweet girl. But, when you do, can you make your sweet Momma a promise?”

  “I’ll try,” I look at her, her eyes seeming more tired than they have and I fell horrible for making her worry so much.

  “Just don’t leave and never come back. I got my baby girl back and I’d like to see her more than once a year at Christmas.” Tears brim her eyes as her voice catches in her throat and I vow to make sure that I don’t let that happen again. “Come on, I’ll show you to the guest room.”

  “I promise,” I say softly and her back straightens as she walks down the hallway to our right. She opens a door to a room with a brass iron bed and a red comforter. The bed I instantly remember and know this was once my room. My Dad used to tuck me into this bed all time.

  “Thank you,” she says quietly as she turns, leaving me there in my own thoughts.

  Lying down on the bed, I look at the stars on the ceiling and smile. I remember a freckle-faced Casey with pigtails and a younger version of me with a french braid, jumping up and down on this very bed to stick them up. I’m almost positive that’s the day I broke my arm too. I wore that dang pink cast for a whole summer and had Dallas and Austin laughing. Dallas? Who was that? I remembered a boy with stunning hazel eyes that always crinkled when he laughed and Austin was his little brother. But that’s all I can remember about them.

  Rising from the bed I walk over to the door, peeking down the hall to see Mom in the kitchen making a cup of coffee. “Hey Mom, can I ask you a question?”

  “Or course, baby.” She gestures toward the small kitchen table as she moves to sit down.

  “Who is Dallas?” Her body goes rigid and I wonder if I’ve asked her something wrong.

  “What do you remember?” Her eyes remind me of an animal that’s been cornered and is trying to decide if they need to fight or take flight.

  “A kid who laughed when I fell off that bed with Casey putting stars up.”

  “Ah,” she laughs softly. “He was always a constant in your life, Kennedy.”

  “But there is something you aren’t telling me.”

  “Yes there is. Because, it’s something you need to remember on your own. He’s the guy in that picture you kept staring at on your bedside.” She sighs softly as she places her thumb and forefinger on the bridge of her nose. “I can’t tell you the story, because you need to remember it. It’s what’s made you who you are. So, I can’t tell you because I didn’t live it, baby.”

  “He’s why I left?” I wish my freaking head would just tell me the
things I need to know, but of course nothing is ever that easy.

  “You left for school in New York. You got an amazing scholarship to a design school and you left. He wasn’t thrilled you were leaving, so you let him go.”

  “But I never got over him?”

  “No, and one day you’ll remember.” She puts her hand over mine and gives me a sad smile. “But this time, I hope it doesn’t make you run again.”

  I nod my head, grabbing the keys. “Do you mind if I go drive around?”

  “Not at all. Just be careful and don’t get lost.” Her eyes are brimming with tears again and I feel horrible knowing that I’m the cause.

  “I’ll take my phone in case I do. I love you, Mom.”

  “I love you too, baby.”

  Sitting in a little coffee shop in town, I try to read a book on my kindle, but am preoccupied by the people passing by the window. I don’t know what I was expecting to find, but I needed to get out of the house. I wanted to text Casey and ask her to tell me what happened with Dallas, but I knew she wouldn’t either. It seemed like he was a missing piece to my puzzle and both Mom and Casey were afraid I would unravel when it finally made me whole.

  “This seat taken?” A voice interrupts my thoughts and I look up to see an older lady. Her black hair is sprinkled with gray and pulled tightly back against her skin. Her eyes show compassion as she smiles at me and I realize I haven’t spoken.

  “Not at all, please sit.” I take in her t-shirt, down to her jeans and her loafers. I haven’t seen a pair of shoes like that since I visited with my Grandma during the summer when I was little.

  “You must be new around here, I haven’t seen you before.” She takes a sip of her coffee before continuing. “My name is Stella Johnson.”

  “I guess you could call me new. My mother is Lori Miller. I’m Kennedy.” I stick my hand out to formally greet her.

  “Kennedy Miller? The prestigious daughter? You are far more beautiful than your momma said.” She takes my appearance in, her eyes going over every inch of me. I feel almost naked as she scrutinizes me. “I heard about your accident. I hope you’re okay.”