Kestrel

by A. M. Hargrove

  Kestrel waits for me in the salon and the smile he affords me when I approach him tells me all I need to know.

  “It’s perfect.” He kisses my cheek.

  I feel like a little kid when I ask, “You like it?”

  “Love it. I’m glad they left it wavy and long.”

  “I hope I can fix it.”

  “It looks like they only trimmed it a little and straightened it somewhat. Did they give you instructions?”

  “Yeah, but Kestrel, this mane has a mind of its own.”

  I check the time and see that it’s going on four.

  “You hungry?” he asks.

  “I am, a little.”

  “Let’s get a snack.”

  “I have a better idea. Let’s go to my place. I have snacks there,” I say.

  “Okay.”

  We walk to his house so I can get my car. He follows in his. I haven’t been home since yesterday morning so I grab the mail. Not much here. Then I pull out some cheese, crackers, and fruit and ask him if he’d care for a beverage. He opts for a beer.

  We sit in the small den and nibble.

  “My brother’s coming in on Tuesday. He asked if he could see the house.”

  I gulp. “Shit.”

  “It’s okay if you don’t want to.” His hand covers mine.

  “The room.” My belly instantly knots.

  “Yeah, I thought about that. Maybe you could pull out the dead flowers.”

  “I’ve already done that. I got to thinking it was stupid that I never threw them away. They were meaningless.”

  “Then?”

  “I even cleaned up there.”

  “You did? Mind if I look again?”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Okay.”

  “Come with me.”

  He stands and holds out his hand. I place mine in it and off we go. But I need the keys so we detour to the kitchen first. When we get to the door, I find I’m not so nervous this time. He opens up the door and the scent nails me. It’s the same every time. It takes me back to the Ells years. I hear her laughter and her feet pitter-pattering on the floor.

  Then his voice comes to me. “Talk to me, Carter.”

  “I can smell her. And hear her laughing. And her feet running across the floor.”

  “What else?”

  “Her hair. Curly blond, about to her shoulders. It was so soft and shiny. She had bright blue eyes. But her laugh sounded like music. And she laughed all the time.”

  “Just like her pictures here.”

  “Yes.”

  The room is in much better shape now.

  “It looks good in here. Like any little girl’s room.”

  “Yes. Like she’ll walk right in here any day now.”

  “That’s not what I meant.”

  “I know.” I dip my head and inhale. Then I feel his arms cage me and it’s his scent I smell. And it comforts me. I bury my face against his neck and inhale once more. “Thank you.”

  “For what?”

  “For being here. It helps.”

  When we leave, I reach for the keys to lock the door and he stops me. “I don’t think you should lock this anymore, Carter. There’s no need. There’s nothing to hide.”

  “I don’t know.” Skepticism clouds my thoughts.

  “Listen. If you keep this room locked, you also keep her memory locked inside.”

  “No! That’s not it at all. If I let it all out, I’ll lose her. She’ll escape and be gone forever.”

  He takes my hands and says, “I can’t understand your grief because I’ve never lost a child. But it seems to me her memory will be with you forever. Right here,” he lays a hand over my heart, “and here,” he hold my head between his palms. “You can’t forget her, Carter. It’s not possible.”

  “You’re right. But I’ll forget the way she smelled. And the way she sounded. The tinkling of her laugh. The slapping of her feet when she ran. Those are the things that gave me such joy.”

  “And those are the things you’ll always have in your heart and mind.”

  He’s right. He can’t understand and will never understand. And there isn’t a way for me to make him. I turn from him and go to my room. As I walk I ask, “What time will you pick me up?”

  I’m startled when his voice is right behind me. “You’re not coming back downstairs, then?”

  “I think I need a little time alone.”

  “Yeah. Okay. I’ll pick you up around six-thirty.”

  He’s right about Ells in some ways. But as time moves on, I feel her slipping away more and more. And I hate it. I don’t want that to happen. I want her to remain bright and fresh in my mind and not some distant memory, getting dimmer and dimmer like a light bulb on its last legs. Thanks to my dad, I have thousands of videos and pictures of her. He was a fanatic about that. They’re catalogued by month and year, all on CDs and DVDs. They need to be transferred to a different form of data storage, but I haven’t had the money to do it. After the sale of the house, that will be one of my first priorities.

  ***

  At six-thirty, Kestrel stands on my front porch looking dark and sexy. He’s dressed entirely in black, including his tie, which contrasts sharply with his emerald eyes. He still wears his scruff, which only adds to his seductive appearance.

  “Hey.” I open the door to let him in.

  He enters, grabs my wrist, pulls me against him, and kisses me. No preamble. When he’s done, I’m fully aroused. My nipples are about to bust through that stupid stick on bra I’m wearing, and a fine sheen of perspiration covers me. Not only that, I’m shaking.

  “Christ, Carter, you look amazing.”

  I think I look okay. I’m wearing a black strapless slinky dress that I’ve borrowed from Harper. When I called her she was all excited about the fact I was actually taking a date to my so-called work function. So she was only too happy to lend me a dress.

  “Thank you.” My arms are on his shoulders. I reluctantly release him. “You look amazing yourself.” I smile shyly at him. I’m not used to giving men compliments. Am I even supposed to? I’m not really sure.

  “Thank you.” He smiles back at me. “Wow. You are so … well, beautiful.”

  “Now you’re embarrassing me.”

  “Why’s that?”

  “Just because. We should probably go.”

  He stands and stares at me. I fidget.

  “Do you have a coat or wrap?”

  I nod and go to retrieve it. Then we leave. I thought we’d be going in his car, but a limo awaits us. I lift my brow.

  “We’ll be drinking and I don’t like to take chances,” he explains.

  “So you hired a limo? We could’ve taken a taxi.”

  He stops and looks at me. “Carter, I run the company here.”

  Shit. I forgot. HTS. Hart Transportation Services.

  “Right. I blanked on that one.”

  The driver helps me in and Kestrel introduces him to me as Mario. When we’re settled he pours me a glass of champagne.

  “Oh, now I get it.”

  “It’s more fun this way.”

  The event is at the Charleston Aquarium. Kestrel asks Mario to drive us around a bit so we can finish our champagne. By that time it’s after seven and he drops us off.

  When we enter the party, I immediately recognize several people.

  “Carter, it’s so good to finally see you out.”

  I keep hearing that over and over, until I want to scream. Kestrel is perfect, though. I introduce him and he steers me away from people as if he knows I don’t want to speak to them. I’m stiff and unyielding; my smile is plastic.

  Kestrel leans down and says, “Relax. I didn’t bring you here so you could hate every minute.”

  When I look at him, guilt floods me. “Oh, I’m sorry. It’s just that I haven’t seen some of these people since …”

  “I know. I can tell. So let them see Carter. And how far she’s come. Because the Car
ter I’ve seen in the last two days is nothing like the woman who I’m seeing right now.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “That you had fun. You look beautiful. Show them that you’re with the new guy in town and you’re living again.”

  “But …”

  “Do I have to melt your shoes off to prove it to you?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “This.”

  And he grabs me, pulls me to him, and kisses me. In front of everyone. My shoes don’t exactly melt off, but everything else nearly does.

  “My God, Kestrel. What are you doing?”

  The corner of one side of his mouth lifts and he doesn’t say a word. His fingers lace with mine and we move through the room, as everyone stares at us.

  “Is my face red?”

  “As a rose, angel. Oh, and I’ve decided that I’m going to call you that, whether you like it or not. You see, it has a special meaning for me.”

  “Oh? What’s that?”

  “You’ll have to figure that one out for yourself. Now smile and let all these fine people here see how much fun you’re having, or I’ll be forced to kiss you again.”

  “You wouldn’t dare.”

  “Oh, wouldn’t I?”

  I know damn well he would, and maybe I want him to. Maybe that’s why I said what I said.

  “I don’t think you’re up to tarnishing your reputation.”

  “Oh, angel, you don’t know me well at all. You see I don’t give a damn about my reputation. Yours on the other hand, is another matter.” I’m disappointed when he only lifts my hand to his lips and kisses my knuckles. “By the way, I am the envy of all the men here. Most likely because they’ve ignored you all this time.”

  And then I hear his voice. “Carter. What are you doing here?”

  I turn to see Simon standing there.

  “Hello, Simon. Simon, this is Kestrel Hart. Kestrel, this is Simon Forrester.”

  Kestrel extends his hand and Simon shakes it.

  “A pleasure,” Kestrel says.

  “Well? What are you doing here?” Simon’s tone is rude and overbearing.

  Kestrel’s eyes narrow. His tone is clipped when he answers for me, “She’s my date. Not that it’s any of your business.”

  Simon’s eyes flick between the two of us, like he can’t believe I’m on a date with Kestrel. Then he says, “I heard you sold your house.”

  “Yeah, I did.”

  “Why didn’t you list it with my dad’s company?”

  I start to answer, but Kestrel interrupts. “That’s not your business.”

  “It is my business.”

  Kestrel gently moves me so I’m slightly behind him and he steps between us. Then he says, “How so?”

  Simon looks at Kestrel and says, “I’m her daughter’s father.”

  “I am aware. Still, that gives you no hold on her real estate.”

  Simon’s face turns a mottled shade of purple. “Carter, we’ll discuss this later.” Then he stomps off.

  Kestrel quickly pulls me to his side and says, “I hope I didn’t overstep my bounds. I didn’t like the way he was treating you.”

  “It’s fine. Simon’s an overbearing ass. He always has been. That’s why my parents persuaded me not to marry him.”

  “He wanted to marry you?”

  “Not exactly. I wanted to marry him.”

  “Ah. I see.”

  “I thought Ells needed an official father. My parents were right. It would’ve been an extreme disaster. They saw right through him. I didn’t because I was so naive.”

  “Perhaps it was because you were trying to do the right thing for your daughter.”

  “He laughed at me when I suggested it. It was humiliating enough when I had to tell him I was pregnant, but then I took it a step further and suggested we get married. Oh, God. What a fool I was.”

  He tightens his arm around me. “I’m sorry.”

  “Oh, no. It’s fine now. It all worked out for the best. Except.”

  “Except?”

  “I told you how he still blames me for Ells’ death. It’s like salt in a wound. I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t blame myself, too.”

  “That has to stop. You couldn’t control the weather. No one can do that. Had you known, you never would’ve left. You were not a negligent mother.”

  “I know.”

  “Now that we’ve garnered the attention of everyone here, shall we make some more rounds?”

  “Well, I suppose that’s what we’re here for.”

  I introduce Kestrel to all the people I know and he connects with many on his own. It’s not difficult. He makes a striking figure and he’s polished and poised in his manner. His business savvy comes across in his conversational skills and it’s easy to see how success will be imminent for his company.

  A couple of hours later, we climb back into the limo and head to our dinner reservation.

  “Thank you,” he says.

  “Seriously? You didn’t need me. You’re quite skilled at this. This is second nature for you.”

  “True, but you made it much more of a pleasure.” Then he leans over and kisses me. It’s a light kiss, just a quick grazing of my lips. But it leaves me wanting more. Much more. My hand seeks his and I find it to be warm and inviting. His thumb rubs a circle over the top of mine.

  Dinner with Kestrel is a delightful experience. He has exquisite taste in wine and food. His pairings of each are impeccable. My father would have been impressed. I smile as I recall how my dad would peruse the wine list forever while Mom and I laughed at him.

  “What’s put that smile on your face?”

  “Your taste in wine. My dad would take forever to choose and Mom and I would laugh at him. You would have impressed him with your food and wine pairings.”

  “Nice to know. I wish I could’ve met him.”

  “Do you sail?”

  “I do.”

  “Then he would’ve loved you. He was an avid sailor. He was on a racing team and sailed all over the world. That’s what baffled me so much with the hurricane. He tracked those things like crazy. Had all kinds of equipment at the beach house. I never thought he’d take an unnecessary risk. But it was an unusual storm.”

  “Tell me what happened. Admittedly, I don’t remember.”

  “You wouldn’t unless you lived through it.” And I recount the terrifying event. “No one anticipated it linking up with the other storm system. It sort of came out of nowhere.”

  “So, even with all the equipment, your dad never could’ve known.”

  “I know. It was unavoidable.”

  The waiter comes back with our wine. Then our appetizer follows. We chat like crazy. Kestrel tells me how he learned about wine, in his father’s casino restaurants. And how he thought he wanted to be a sommelier, but didn’t have the time to invest in it.

  “Wine and sailing. You and my dad.” I cross my two fingers and laugh. “You need to meet Uncle Foster.”

  “Uncle Foster?”

  “Yeah. He’s my dad’s best friend from since they were kids. You’ll love him. Actually you will meet him when the house closes. He’s the attorney that’s doing the closing. Well, he won’t be but his office will so he’ll be there.”

  “Oh, great. I look forward to that. By the way, have you given any more thought to my brother seeing the house?”

  “I have and it’s fine. I’d like to meet him. Will you tell him that you and I are …”

  He smiles. “What are we, Carter?”

  “Uh, I don’t know. Having a great time?”

  “I’m glad you think so, because I certainly do.”

  Chapter Ten

  Kestrel

  The limo pulls in front of Carter’s house. Mario walks around and opens the door. We get out and I walk Carter to the door. She unlocks it and turns to me. Before she can speak, I take her in my arms and kiss her. “Thank you for being such wonderful company.”

  “Stay. Don’t go.�
�

  This is moving so fast, I’m not sure I should. But I want to. I want to feel her naked body beneath mine again.

  “I don’t want to give you the wrong impression.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “It means that this is all there will ever be. I’m not a guy you want to be with, Carter.”

  “Oh, and I’m all full of sunshine and happiness. Jeez, where did that crap come from?”

  “You really don’t see yourself the way others do.”

  She blows out a breath and I laugh. She just reminded me of my sister-in-law. “I don’t really care how others see me. Good night, Kestrel.” She turns away from me and waits for me to leave, but I don’t let go of her hand.

  “I care how others see you.” Under the lighting on the porch, I can see her features instantly soften. “It’s not that I don’t want to. We should probably take things in stride a bit.” I lean in and kiss her cheek. “Good night, angel.”

  Guilt smacks me in the face for doing this to her. But I can’t keep sleeping with her and fucking her if my motives aren’t in the proper place. I need to examine them more closely. I’ve never really wanted to sleep with a woman more than a couple of times. Carter is different. She’s not like any woman I’ve ever been with. Her innocence is so potent, I can smell it. The other women I’ve been involved with were more like high-dollar hookers. They made even me feel dirty sometimes—and that’s saying something. Maybe if I slow things down a bit, date her and do things the right way, one of us will see things the way they were meant to be seen and we can either make this work, or go our separate ways. One thing I do know is I can’t hurt her; I won’t hurt her. She’s been through far too much for me to do that. And that is strange in and of itself. I usually don’t give a shit about that. What—have I suddenly become Mr. Sensitivity? Another mental picture of Gabby pops into my head of her rubbing her palms together. Man, wouldn’t my psychiatrist sister-in-law like to delve into my mind now?

  Mario drops me off at home and I drag myself to bed. I didn’t realize I was so exhausted until now. All this analyzing has made me damn tired.

  ***

  The phone wakes me early in the morning. The damn thing vibrating on the nightstand alerts me to the fact that I’ve slept like the dead and someone has viciously disturbed my coma-like state. Not bothering to check who it is, I growl, “Yeah.”