by Monty Python
The Upperclass Twit of the Year - Gervaise Brook-Hampster.
Runner up - Vivian Smith-Smythe-Smith
Third - Nigel Incubator-Jones
Well there'll certainly be some car door slamming in the streets of Kensington tonight.
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Ken Shabby
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 12
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The cast:
FATHER
Graham Chapman
KEN SHABBY
Michael Palin
ROSAMUND
Connie Booth
VOICE OVER
John Cleese
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The sketch:
(Sketch open with a still a of beautiful country home. 'Hearts of Oak' type music. The camera tracks into the house and mixes to: close-up of distinguished, noble father and gay, innocent beautiful daughter - a delicately beautiful English rose.)
Father: Now I understand that you want to marry my daughter?
(Pull out to reveal that he is addressing a ghastly thing in a grubby, smelly, brown mackintosh wearing, shambles, who is unshaven with a continuous hacking cough and an obscene leer. He sits on the sofa in this beautiful elegant lounge.)
Shabby: (sniffing and coughing) That's right ... yeah... yeah...
Father: Yes, you realize of course that Rosaround is still rather young?
Rosamund: Daddy you make me feel like a child. (she gazes at Shabby fondly)
Shabby: (lasciviously) Oh yeah ... you know... get 'em when they're young eh... eh! OOOOH! Know what I mean eh, oooh! (makes obscene gesture involving elbow)
Father: Well I'm sure you know what I mean, Mr ... er... Mr... er .. er?
Shabby: Shabby... Ken Shabby...
Father: Mr Shabby... I just want to make sure that you'll be able to look after my daughter...
Shabby: Oh yeah, yeah. I'll be able to look after 'er all fight sport, eh, know what I mean, eh emggh!
Father: And, er, what job do you do?
Shabby: I clean out public lavatories.
Father: Is there promotion involved?
Shabby: Oh yeah, yeah. (produces handkerchief and clean throat horribly into it) After five years they give me a brush ... eurggha eurgh ... I'm sorry squire, I've gobbed on your carpet...
Father: And, ah, where are you going to live?
Shabby: Well round at my gran's... she trains polecats, but most of them have suffocated so there should be a bit of spare room in the attic, eh. Know what I mean. Oooh!
Father: And when do you expect to get married?
Shabby: Oh, fight away sport. Right away... you know... I haven't had it for weeks...
Father: Well look I'll phone the bishop and see if we can get the Abbey...
Shabby: Oh, diarrhoea. (coughing fit)
(Cut to strange photo caption sequence to be worked out with Terry 'the sap' Gilliam)
Voice Over: The story so far: Rosamund's father has become ensnared by Mr Shabby's extraordinary personal magnetism. Bob and Janet have eaten Mr Farquar's goldfish during an Oxfam lunch, and Mrs Elsmore's marriage is threatened by Doug's insistence that he is on a different level of consciousness. Louise's hernia has been confirmed, and Jim, Bob's brother, has run over the editor of the 'Lancet' on his way to see Jenny, a freelance Pagoda designer. On the other side of the continent Napoleon still broods over the smouldering remains of a city he had crossed half the earth to conquer...
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How far can a Minister fall?
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 12
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The cast:
VOICE OVER
John Cleese
MINISTER
Graham Chapman
MAN
Eric Idle
FIRST ROBERT
Terry Jones
SECOND ROBERT
Eric Idle
THIRD ROBERT
John Cleese
PRESENTER
Michael Palin
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The sketch:
(A girl in bra and pants goes over to television and switches it on.)
Voice Over: ... whilst Mary, Roger's half-sister, settles down to watch television...
(On the screen comes the start of a Party Political Broadcast, complete with caption: 'A PARTY POLITICAL BROADCAST ON BEHALF OF THE WOOD PARTY')
Voice Over: There now follows a Party Political Broadcast on behalf of the Wood Party.
(Cut to a traditional grey-suited man at desk looking straight into camera. Superimposed caption: 'THE RT. HON. LAMBERT WARBECK')
Minister: Good evening. We in the Wood Party feel very strongly that the present weak drafting of the Local Government Bill leaves a lot to be desired, and we intend to fight.
(He thumps on the desk and he falls through the floor. As he falls he emits a long scream, fading away slowly. Another man comes and looks down into the pit.)
Man: Hello Helllllllllloooooooooo! (to camera) Er I, I'm afraid the minister's fallen through the Earth's crust. Er... excuse me a moment. (goes and looks at Pit) Helloooo.
Minister: (unseen, a long way down) Helloooooo.
Man:. Are you all fight minister?
Minister: I appear to have landed on this kind of ledge thing.
Man: Shall we lower down one of the BBC ropes?
Minister: If you'd be so kind.
Man: What length of BBC rope will we be likely to need?
Minister: I should use the longest BBC rope. That would be a good idea I would imagine.
Man: Okey doke chief. Er, Tex get the longest BBC rope, and bring it here pronto.
Minister: (still a long way down) In the meantime, since I am on all channels, perhaps I'd better carry on with this broadcast by shouting about our housing plans from down here as best I can. Could someone throw me down a script. (man drops the script down and Tex appears with enormous cod of rope) The script would appear to have landed on a different ledge somewhat out of my grasp, don't you know.
Man: Er, well perhaps when the rope reaches you minister you could kind of swing over to the ledge and grab it.
Minister: Good idea.
(Cut to minister swinging on rope. Caption on screen: 'THE RT. HON. LAMBERT WARBECK')
Minister: Well I'm going to carry on, if I can read the script. He swings over to a ledge opposite with a script on it. As he gets near he peers and starts reading.
Minister: Good evening. We in the Wood Party (he swings away and then back) feel very strongly about (swings away and back) the present weak drafting of the Local Government Bill and no, no - it's no good, it's not working.., I think I'll have to try and make a grab for it. Ah. There we are. (He swings over and grabs the script with one hand; he tries to turn to camera and continues) Good evening. We in the Wood Party feel very strongly about the present (he makes a vigourous gesture and in so doing lets go of rope and slips so that he is now hanging upside down) ugh, ugh. Oh dear. Hello!
Man: (out of vision) Hello.
Minister: Look, look, I must look a bit of a chump hanging upside down like this.
Man: (out of vision) Don't worry minister. (cut to man looking off-camera) I think love if we turn the picture upside down we should help the minister, then.
Cut to minister. The picture is now the other way up. The minister now appears to be the might way up)
Minister: Oh good. Look, er, I'm sorry about this, but there seem to be a few gremlins about... I think I'd better start from the beginning. Er, good evening, we in the Wood Party feel very strongly about, oh ... (he drops script) Bloody heck. Oh, oh dear, er terribly sorry about this, about saying bloody heck on all channels, but, er...
Man: (out of vision) There's another script on the way down minister.
Minister: Oh good, good. Well ... er... er... um... Good evening. Er ... well... er... how are you? Er... Oh yes look, I don't want you to think of the Wood
Party as a load of old men that like hanging around on ropes only I ... er ... oh ... oh.
(Meanwhile a man, the right way up, has been lowered down to the minister. As the picture is reversed, he appears to be moving straight up towards him. The minister sea him.)
Minister: Ah. Thank you. (taking script; the man on the rope starts to climb back up) Good evening, we in the Wood Party feel very strongly about the present weak drafting... (man falls past with a scream) Look. I think we'd better call it a day.
(Cut to two men at a desk in a discussion set.)
First Robert: Is this the furthest distance that a minister has fallen? Robert.
(Cut to Robert.)
Second Robert: Well surprisingly not. The Canadian Minister for External Affairs fell nearly seven miles during a Liberal Conference in Ottawa about six years ago, and then quite recently the Kenyan Minister for Agric. and Fish fell nearly twelve miles during a Nairobi debate in Parliament, although this hasn't been ratified yet.
First Robert: Er, how far did the Filipino cabinet fall last March?
Second Robert: Er, well they fell nearly thirty-nine miles but it's not really so remarkable as that was due to their combined weight, of course. Robert.
First Robert: Thank you, Robert. Well now what's your reaction to all this, Robert?
(Cut to third Robert who is staring intently into camera. He is wearing a fright wig and has a left eyebrow four inches above his right one.)
Third Robert: Well, well Robert the main thing is that it's terribly exciting. You see the minister is quite dearly lodged between rocks we know terribly little of. Terribly little. Of course the main thing is we're getting colour pictures of an extraordinarily high quality. The important thing is, the really exciting thing is the minister will (as he gets more excited he starts to emit smoke) be bringing back samples of the Earth's core which will give us a tremendous, really tremendous, tremendous, tremendous clue about the origins of the Earth and what God himself is made of. (he bursts into fire and someone has to throw a buckets of water over him) Oh, oh I needed that.
(Cut back to first Robert.)
First Robert: Thank you Robert. Well that seems to be about all we have time for tonight. Unless anyone has anything else to say. Has anyone anything else to say?
(Various 'noes' plus one 'bloody fairy' and more noes, from a very rapid montage of all the possible characters in this week's show saying 'no'. The last one we come to is the Spectrum presenter. He says more than no.)
Presenter: What do we mean by no, what do we mean by yes, what do we mean by no, no, no. Tonight Spectrum looks at the whole question of what is no.
(The sixteen-ton weight falls on him.)
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Intermissions /
Restaurant (abuse/cannibalism)
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 13
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The cast:
VOICE OVER
Terry Jones
SHE
Eric Idle
HE
John Cleese
HEADMASTER
Graham Chapman
HOPKINS
Terry Jones
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The sketch:
(Cut to large animated sign saying: 'Intermission'.)
Voice Over: There win now be a short intermission.
(After this seven seconds of slightly speeded up Mantovani. Two animated cars race in and crash. Cut to animated opening credits. Cut to the same sign saying: 'Intermission')
Voice Over: There will now be a medium-sized intermission. Same music, same speed, slightly longer.
(Short animation, then cut to restaurant vestibule. He and she are already there, entering. She is nattering. The waiter is waiting.)
She: Oo I don't like this, Bob I don't like that. Oh I don't think much to all this. Oh fancy using that wallpaper. Fancy using mustard. Oo is that a proper one? Oo it's not real. Oh 1 don't think it's a proper restaurant unless they give you finger bowls. Oo I don't like him. I'm going to have a baby in a few years.
He: Er, please excuse my wife. She may appear to be rather nasty but underneath she has a heart of formica. (the waiter grimaces) I'm sorry about that.
Waiter: That's all right sir, we get all sorts of lines in here. The head waiter will be along to abuse you in a few moments, and now if you'll excuse me I have to go and commit suicide.
He: Oh I'm sorry.
Waiter: It's all right. It's not because of anything serious.
(He exits. Shot off-screen and scream.)
She: Quite frankly I'm against people who commit suicide, I don't like that sort of person at all. I'm plain people and I'm proud of it, my mother's the salt of the earth, and I don't take the pill 'cos it's nasty.
(The head waiter comes in.)
He: Please excuse my wife, she may not be very beautiful, and she may have no money, and she may be a little talentless, boring and dull, but on the other hand ... (long pause) ... sorry I can't think of anything.
Head Waiter: Fine. I'm the head waiter. This is a vegetarian restaurant only, we serve no animal flesh of any kind. We're not only proud of that, we're smug about it. So if you were to come in here asking me to rip open a small defenceless chicken, so you could chew its skin and eat its intestines, then I'm afraid I'd have to ask you to leave.
He: No, no, no, no.
Head Waiter: Likewise if you were to ask us to slice the sides of a cow and serve it with small pieces of its liver ... (small tic developing, getting carried away) or indeed drain the life blood from a pig before cutting off one of its legs... or carve the living giblets from a sheep and serve them with the fresh brains, bowels, guts and spleen of a small rabbit... WE WOULDN'T DO IT. (reaction) Not for food anyway.
She: Quite frankly I'm against people who give vent to their loquacity by extraneous bombastic circumlocution. (they both look at her; pause) Oh I don't like that.
He: Sometimes Shirley I think you're almost human.
Head Waiter: (thinking) Do you know I still wet my bed.
He: Once I married someone who was beautiful, and young, and gay, and free. Whatever happened to her?
She: You divorced her and married me.
Head Waiter: I met my second wife at a second-wife-swapping party. Trust me to arrive late.
