Monty Python's Flying Circus: The Sketches
Page 26
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The cast:
FIRST INTERVIEWER
John Cleese
SECOND INTERVIEWER
Eric Idle
FIRST POLICEMAN
Terry Jones
DETECTIVE INSPECTOR ORGANS
Michael Palin
SECOND POLICEMAN
John Cleese
* * *
The sketch:
('Panorama' music and still photos of policemen in tutus. Caption on the screen: 'PROBE AROUND' Cut to interviewer at desk of 'Panorama' type set-up.)
First Interviewer: Yes, tonight 'Probe Around' takes a look at crime...
(A shot rings out and he slumps forward. A second interviewer runs into shot from behind camera with smoking gun.)
Second Interviewer: I'm sorry about that, but I always introduce this programme, not him. (he pushes the first interviewer off his chair with his foot and takes his place) Yes, tonight 'Probe Around' takes a look at Crime. Is it true that the police are using dachshunds to combat the crime wave? And can the head of the Vice Squad turn himself into an albatross whenever he wants to? Just what are the police up to?
(Cut to close-up of a constable reading big book. He is very, very, very stupid.)
Policeman: Oh, I'm up to page 39, where Peter Pan first manifests himself.
(Cut back to interviewer.)
Second Interviewer: With me now is Inspector Harry H 'Snapper' Organs of 'H' Division.
(Cut to another part of the 'Panorama' set. Detective Inspector Organs is sitting next to a Viking.)
Organs: Good evening.
(Cut back to interviewer and hereafter cross cut between them.)
Interviewer: Er, Inspector, I believe you are encouraging magic in the Police Force?
Organs: That is correct. (as he speaks we notice he is sticking pins into a model of a burglar) The criminal mind is a strange and contorted one. Good evening. The mind is subject to severe mental stresses. Good evening. Guilt fears abound, good evening. In the subconscious in this state, one of our lads, with a fair training in the black arts can scare the fertilizer out of them.
Interviewer: Just how are the police combatling the increase with the use of the occult? Ex-King Zog of Albania reports ...(phone rings) Well we seem to have lost ex-King Zog there, but who cares. Just what kinds of magic are the police introducing into their crime prevention techniques?
(Cut to four chief constables huddled round an Ouija board. The have their fingers on a tumbler which moves slowly from one letter to the next.)
Policemen: U-P Y-O-U-R-S.
Second Policeman: Up yours? What a rude Ouija board!
(Cut to more film: policeman with wand By pointing the wand at illegally parked cars he makes them disappear. Another policeman on the pavement helping an old lady across road He looks to see if the road is clear, waves his wand and she jumps across to other side. Another street: a police siren is heard then five policemen on broom sticks appear from round comer and disappear across frame.)
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Stonehenge / Mr. Attila the Hun
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 13
* * *
The cast:
CHIEF CONSTABLE
Terry Jones
SERGEANT
Graham Chapman
BERYL
John Cleese
ATTILA THE HUN
Michael Palin
FIRST VOICE OVER
Eric Idle
SECOND VOICE OVER
Michael Palin
THIRD VOICE OVER
John Cleese
* * *
The sketch:
(Cut to police dancing round Stonehenge a burglar is bound to a stone altar. Mix to picture of same thing in newspaper which is bring read by a chief constable in his office.)
Chief Constable: Now this is the kind of thing that gives the police a bad name, sergeant.
Pull out further to reveal police sergeant in long shimmering slim-fitting ladies evening gown, diamanté handbag and helmet.
Sergeant: I know, sir.
(Intercom buzzer goes on desk.)
Chief Constable: (depressing knob) Yes, Beryl?
Beryl: (male voice) Attila the Hun to see you, sir.
Chief Constable: Who?
Beryl: Attila the Hun, sir.
Chief Constable: Oh botherkins! Er, constable, go and see to him will you?
Sergeant: What! In this dress?
Chief Constable: Oh all fight, I'll go.
Sergeant: Oh, I have got a little green pinny I could wear...
Chief Constable: No, no, no, I'll go. You stay here.
Sergeant: Oh goody! I can get on with the ironing.
(The chief constable walks through the door into the reception area of the police station. There is a policeman behind the counter and a little insignificant man is standing waiting.)
Chief Constable: (to policeman) Right where is he?
Beryl: Over there, sir.
Chief Constable: Right, er, all fight sergeant leave this to me. Er, now then sir, you are Attila the Hun.
Attila the Hun: That's right, yes. A. T. Hun. My parents were Mr and Mrs Norman Hun, but they had a little joke when I was born.
Chief Constable: Yes well, Mr Hun ...
Attila: Oh! Call me 'The', for heaven's sake!
Chief Constable: Oh well, The... what do you want to see us about?
Attila: I've come to give myself up.
Chief Constable: What for?
Attila: Looting, pillaging and sacking a major city.
Chief Constable: I beg your pardon?
Attila: Looting, pillaging, sacking a major city, and I'd like nine thousand other charges to be taken into consideration, please.
Chief Constable: I say, excuse me, Mr Hun. (he takes his hat off, removes his moustache, puts it in the hat and puts the hat back on) Have you any objection to taking a breath test?
Attila: Oh, no. No, no, no, no.
Chief Constable: Right, er, sergeant will you bring the Hunalyser, please?
(The constable produces a breathalyser.)
Beryl: Here we are, sir.
(Hands it to the chief constable.)
Chief Constable: Er, how's it work?
Beryl: Well he breathes into it, sir, and the white crystals turn lime green. Then he is Attila the Hun, sir.
Chief Constable: I see. Right. Would you mind breathing into this Mr Hun?
Attila: Right. (blows into bag)
Chief Constable: What if nothing happens, sergeant?
Beryl: He's Alexander the Great!
Chief Constable: Ha, ha! Caught you, Mr A. T. Great!
Attila: (who is now Alexander the Great) Oh curses! Curses! I thought I was safe, disguised as Attila the Hun.
Chief Constable: Oh perhaps so, but you made one fatal mistake... you see, this wasn't a Hunalyser... it was an Alexander the Greatalyser Take him away, Beryl!
(Cut to letter)
First Voice Over: Dear Sir, I object very strongly to that last scene, and to the next letter.
(Cut to second letter.)
Second Voice Over: Dear Sir, I object to being objected to by the last letter, before my drift has become apparent. I spent many years in India during the last war and am now a part-time notice board in a prominent public school. Yours etc., Brigadier Zoe La Rue (deceased). PS Aghhh!
(Cut to third letter.)
Third Voice Over: Dear Sir, When I was at. school, I was beaten regularly every thirty minutes, and it never did me any harm -except for psychological maladjustment and blurred vision. Yours truly, Flight Lieutenant Ken Frankenstein (Mrs).
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Psychiatry - Silly Sketch
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 13
* * *
The cast:
RECEPTIONIST
Carol Celeveland
PSYCHIATRIST
John Cleese
PHELPS
Terry Jones
NOTLOB
Michael Palin
* * *
The sketch:
(Animation link runs into a psychiatrist's consulting room. The psychiatrist at his desk. The door opens and a receptionist looks in.)
Receptionist: Dr Larch ... there's a Mr Phelps to see you.
Psychiatrist: Er, nurse!
Receptionist: Yes?
Psychiatrist: (whispering) Er, you don't think you should make it clear that I'm a psychiatrist
Receptionist: What?
Psychiatrist: Well, I could be any type of doctor.
Receptionist: Well I can't come in and say Psychiatrist Latch' or 'Dr Larch who is a psychiatrist'. Oh, anyway look, ies written on the door.
Psychiatrist: (stir whispering) That's outside.
Receptionist: Well, I don't care, you'll just have to do it yourself. (she leaves)
Psychiatrist: (goes 'brr brr', then picks up phone) Hello. Er, no, wrong number I'm afraid, this is a psychiatrist speaking. Next please. (knock at the door) Er, come in.
(Phelps comes in dressed as Napoleon, with a parrot on his head, and a lead with nothing on it.)
Phelps: Bow, wow, wow.
Psychiatrist: Ah Mr Phelps. Come on in, take a seat. Now what seems to be the matter?
Phelps: No, no, no. No. No.
Psychiatrist: I'm sorry?
Phelps: Oh can't you do better than that? I mean it's so predictable I've seen it a million times. Knock, knock, knock come in, ah Mr Phelps take a seat. I've seen it and seen it.
Psychiatrist: Well look will you please sit down and do your first line.
Phelps: No. No. I've had enough. I've had enough. (he exits)
Psychiatrist: I can't even get it started.
Phelps: (off) Albatross!
Psychiatrist: Shut up! Oh it drives me mad.
(Cut to a man in limbo: Mr Notlob.)
Notob: A mad psychiatrist, that'd be new.
(Cut back to the psychiatrist.)
Psychiatrist: Next please.
(Knocking at door. Psychiatrist is about to call when he picks up a thesaurus and thumbs through it.)
Psychiatrist: Cross the threshold, arrive, ingress, gain admittance, infiltrate. (Notlob enters in an ordinary suit) Ah Mr Notlob, ah park your hips, on the sitting device.
Notlob: (to camera) It is a mad psychiatrist.
Psychiatrist: I'm not. I'm not. Come on in. Take a seat. What's, what's the matter?
(Cut to Napoleon in limbo; he blows a raspberry.)
Psychiatrist: Now what's the matter?
Notlob: Well I keep hearing guitars playing and people singing when there's no one around.
Psychiatrist: Yes, well this is not at all uncommon. In certain mental states we find that auditory hallucinations occur which are of a most ... (he steps suddenly and listens; the sound of 'We're all going to the zoo tomorrow' is heard) Is that 'We're all going to the zoo tomorrow'?
Notlob: Yes. Yes.
Psychiatrist: Is it always that?
Notlob: No.
Psychiatrist: Well that's something.
Notlob: But it's mainly folk songs.
Psychiatrist: (concerned) Oh my God.
Notlob: Last night I had 'I'll never fall in love again' for six hours.
Psychiatrist: Well look, I think I'd better have a second opinion on this. I want you to see a colleague of mine, a specialist in these sort of things, who has an office very much like this one as a matter of fact.
(Sketch continues... with the Operating theatre (squatters) Sketch.)
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Operating Theatre (Squatters)
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 13
* * *
The cast:
SURGEON
Graham Chapman
NOTLOB
Michael Palin
SQUATTER
Eric Idle
GIRL
Carol Cleveland
FIRST POLICEMAN
John Cleese
* * *
The sketch:
(Scene starts off with the same office as used by the Psychiatrist in the last sketch, but it is now occupied by a surgeon. Start on portrait which has moustache and beard and glasses being added by surgeon.)
Surgeon: Brr brr (picks up phone) No, no wrong number I'm a colleague of his, a surgeon, who specializes in these kind of things. Yes thank you very much. (replaces phone) Next please. (knock at door) Come in. (Notlob enters; 'Going to the zoo' is faintly heard) Ah come in, please take a seat. (cut to terribly quick shot of Napoleon, then back) My colleague who has a similar office has explained your case to me (he is rising from seat) Mr Notlob, as you know I am a leading Harley Street surgeon as seen on television. (he puts needle down on ancient gramophone; Dr Kildare theme begins playing) I'm afraid I'm going to have to operate. It's nothing to worry about although it is extremely dangerous. I shall be juggling with your life, I shall be playing ducks and drakes with your very existence, I shall be running me mits over the pith of your marrow. Yes! These hands, these fingers, these sophisticated organs of touch, these bunches of five, these maulers, these German bands that have pulled many a moribund unfortunate back from the very brink of Lazarus's box. No, it was Pandora's box wasn't it? Well anyway these wits have earned yours truly a lot of bread. So if you'll just step through here I'll slit you up a treat.
Notlob: What?
Surgeon: Mr Notlob, there's nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can't prolong.
(Cut to operating theatre. The conversation and the guitar can still be heard. Notlob is on the table. Hit head is real but the rest of the body is false. Table is covered with green cloth for reality. Surgeon is swabbing. 'Going to the zoo' is still audible.)
Surgeon: Right, I'm ready to make the incision. Knife please, sister (takes knife) What's that supposed to be. Give me a big one.. (takes big knife and strops it on steel sharpener) . . . oh I do enjoy this. Right. (he stabs the body and makes a slit four feet long) Oh what a great slit. Now, gentlemen, I am going to open the slit.
(He pulls it apart. The song gets louder. The head of a squatter pops out.)
Squatter: Too much man, groovy, great scene. Great light show, baby.
Surgeon: What are you doing in there?
Squatter: We're doing our own thing, man.
Surgeon: Have you got Mr Nottob's permission to be in there?
Squatter: We're squatters, baby.
Surgeon: What? (to nurse about Notlob) Nurse, wake him up. (she slaps his face)
Squatter: Don't get uptight, man. Join the scene and other phrases. Money isn't real.
Surgeon: It is where I'm standing and it blows my mind, young lad. (looks inside Notlob) Good Lord! Is that a nude woman?
Squatter: She's doing an article on us for 'Nova', man.
Girl: (her head also appearing through slit) Hi everyone. Are you part of the scene?
Surgeon: Are you rolling your own jelly babies in there?
Notlob: (waking up) What's going on? Who are they?
Surgeon: That's what we are trying to find out.
Notlob: What are they doing in my stomach?
Surgeon: We don't know. Are they paying you any rent?
Notlob: Of course they're not paying me rent!
Squatter: You're not furnished, you fascist.
Notlob: Get them out!
Surgeon: I can't.
Notlob: Get them out.
Surgeon: No I can't. Not, not without a court order.
Indian: (also appearing) Shut up. You're keeping us awake.
(Caption on screen: 'ONE COURT ORDER LATER' Some policemen walk in.)
First Policeman: (into slit) You are hereby ordered to vacate Mr Notlob forthwith. And or.
Squatter: Push off, fuzz.
Policeman: Right, that's it, we're going in. Release the vicious dogs. (dives in
to slit)
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SERIES TWO
FOURTEEN - (Untitled)
Recorded on 9th July 1970 and first shown on 15th September 1970
'Face the Press'
New Cooker Sketch
Tobacconists (Prostitute Advert)
The Ministry of Silly Walks
The Piranha Brothers
FIFTEEN - (Untitled)
Recorded on 2nd July 1970 and first shown on 22nd September 1970
Man-powered Flight
The Spanish Inquisition
Jokes and Novelties Salesman
Tax on Thingy
Vox Pops
The Spanish Inquisition
The Semaphore Version of 'Wuthering Heights'
'Julius Caesar' on an Aldis Lamp
Court Scene (Charades)
SIXTEEN - (Untitled)
Recorded on 16th July 1970 and first shown on 29th September 1970
A Bishop Rehearsing
Flying Lessons
Hijacked Plane (to Luton)
The Poet McTeagle
Psychiatrist Milkman
Complaints
Déjà Vu
SEVENTEEN - (Untitled)
Recorded on 18th September 1970 and first shown on 20th October 1970
The Architects Sketch
How to Give Up Being a Mason
Motor Insurance Sketch
'The Bishop'
Living Room on Pavement
Poets
A Choice of Viewing
Chemist Sketch
Words Not to Be Used Again
After-shave
Police Constable Pan-Am
EIGHTEEN - (Untitled)
First shown on 27th October 1970