Monty Python's Flying Circus: The Sketches

by Monty Python

  Live from the Grill-o-Mat Snack Bar, Paignton

  'Blackmail!'

  Society for Putting Things on Top of Other Things

  Escape (from Film)

  Current Affairs

  Accidents Sketch

  Seven Brides for Seven Brothers

  The Man Who is Alternately Rude and Polite

  Documentary on Boxer

  NINETEEN - (Untitled)

  First shown on 3rd November 1970

  'It's a Living'

  The Time on BBC 1

  School Prize-giving

  'if' - a Film by Mr. Dibley

  'Rear Window' - a film by Mr. Dibley

  'Finian's Rainbow' (Starring the Man from the Off-license)

  Foreign Secretary

  Dung

  Dead Indian

  Timmy Williams Interview

  Raymond Luxury-Yacht Interview

  Registry Office

  Election Night Special

  TWENTY - (Untitled)

  First shown on 10th November 1970

  'The Attila the Hun Show'

  Attila the Nun

  Secretary of State Striptease

  Vox Pops on Politicians

  Ratcatcher

  Wainscotting

  Killer Sheep

  The News for Parrots

  The News for Gibbons

  Today in Parliament

  The News for Wombats

  Attila the Bun

  The Idiot in Society

  Test Match

  The Epsom Furniture Race

  'Take Your Pick'

  TWENTY-ONE - (Untitled)

  First shown on 17th November 1970

  Trailer

  'Archaeology Today'

  Silly Vicar

  Leapy Lee

  Registrar (Wife Swap)

  Silly Doctor Sketch (Immediately Abandoned)

  Mr. and Mrs. Git

  Mosquito Hunters

  Poofy Judges

  Mrs. Thing and Mrs. Entity

  Beethoven's mynah bird

  Shakespeare

  Michaelangelo

  Colin Mozart (Ratcatcher)

  Judges

  TWENTY-TWO - (Untitled)

  First shown on 24th November 1970

  'How to Recognize Different Parts of the Body'

  Bruces

  Naughty Bits

  The Man Who Contradicts People

  Cosmetic Surgery

  Camp Square-bashing

  Cut-price Airline

  Batley Townswomen's Guild Presents the First Heart Transplant

  The First Underwater Production of 'Measure for Measure'

  The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots

  Exploding Penguin on TV Set

  There's Been a Murder

  Europolice Song Contest

  'Bing Tiddle Tiddle Bong' (song)

  TWENTY-THREE - (Untitled)

  First shown on 1st December 1970

  French Subtitled Film

  Scott of the Antarctic

  Scott of the Sahara

  Fish License

  Derby Council vs. All Blacks Rugby Match

  Long John Silver Impersonators vs. Bournemouth Gynaecologists

  TWENTY-FOUR - (Untitled)

  First shown on 8th December 1970

  Conquistador Coffee Campaign

  Repeating Groove

  Ramsey MacDonald Striptease

  Job Hunter

  Agatha Christie Sketch (Railway Timetables)

  Mr. Neville Shunt

  Film Director (Teeth)

  City Gents Vox Pops

  'Crackpot Religions Ltd.'

  'How Not to Be Seen'

  Crossing the Atlantic on a Tricycle

  Interview in Filing Cabinet

  'Yummy Yummy'

  Monty Python's Flying Circus Again in Thirty Seconds

  TWENTY-FIVE - (Untitled)

  First shown on 15th December 1970

  'The Black Eagle'

  The Hungarian Phrasebook Sketch

  Court (Phrasebook)

  Communist Quiz

  'Ypres 1914' - Abandoned

  Art Gallery Strikes

  'Ypres 1914'

  Hospital for Over-actors

  Gumby Flower Arranging

  The Spam Sketch

  TWENTY-SIX - (Untitled)

  First shown on 22nd December 1970

  The Queen Will Be Watching

  Coal Mine (Historical Argument)

  The Man Who Says Things in a Very Roundabout Way

  The Man Who Speaks Only the Ends of Words

  The Man Who Speaks Only the Beginnings of Words

  The Man Who Speaks Only the Middles of Words

  Commercials

  How to Feed a Goldfish

  The Man Who Collects Birdwatchers' Eggs

  Insurance Sketch

  Hospital Run by R.S.M.

  Mountaineer

  Exploding Version of 'The Blue Danube'

  Girls Boarding School

  Submarine

  Lifeboat (Cannibalism)

  The Undertakers Sketch

  back

  'Face the Press'

  As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 14

  * * *

  The cast:

  INTERVIEWER

  Eric Idle

  MINISTER

  Graham Chapman

  SIR VINCENT

  John Cleese

  * * *

  The sketch:

  (Cut to studio: interviewer in chair. Superimposed Caption on screen: 'FACE THE PRESS')

  Interviewer: Hello. Tonight on 'Face the Press' we're going to examine two different views of contemporary things. On my left is the Minister for Home Affairs (cut to minister completely in drag and a moustache) who is wearing a striking organza dress in pink tulle, with matching pearls and a diamanté collar necklace. (soft fashion-parade music starts to play in background) The shoes are in brushed pigskin with gold clasps, by Maxwell of Bond Street. The ' hair is by Roger, and the whole ensemble is crowned by a spectacular display of Christmas orchids. And on my right - putting the case against the Government - is a small patch of brown liquid ... (cut to patch of liquid on seat of chair) which could be creosote or some extract used in industrial varnishing. (cut back to interviewer) Good evening. Minister, may I put the first question . to you? In your plan, 'A Better Britain For Us', you claimed that you would build 88,ooo million, billion houses a year in the Greater London area alone. In fact, you've built only three in the last fifteen years. Are you a bit disappointed with this result?

  Minister: No, no. I'd like to answer this question if I may in two ways. Firstly in my normal voice and then in a kind of silly high-pitched whine... You see housing is a problem really...

  (Cut back to the interviewer. The minister is heard droning on in the background The soft fashion-parade music starts again.)

  Interviewer: Well, while the minister is answering this question I'd just like to point out the minister's dress has been made entirely by hand from over three hundred pieces of Arabian shot silk (at this point we can hear the minister's high-pitched whine beneath the fashion music) especially created for the minister by Vargar's of Paris. The low slim-line has been cut off-the-shoulder to heighten the effect of the minister's fine bone structure. Well I think the minister is coming to the end of his answer now so let's go back over and join the discussion. Thank you very much minister. Today saw the appointment of a new head of...

  Minister: Don't I say any more?

  Interviewer: No fear! Today saw the appointment of a new head of Allied Bomber Command - Air Chief Marshal Sir Vincent 'Kill the Japs' Forseer. He's in our Birmingham studio...

  (Cut to close-up on what appears to be a monitor with Sir Vincent on it- in outrageous drag, heavy lipstick, big bust etc. - Draped on a chaise-longue. A small black boy is fanning him.)

  Sir Vincent: Hello Sailors! Listen, guess what. The Minister of Aviation has made me head of the RAF Ola Pola.

&nbs
p; (As he talks we zoom out quickly from the set to reveal it is not a monitor in the studio but a TV set in a G-plan type sitting room. A housewife (Mrs Pinnet) sits watching, wearing an apron and a scarf and with her hair in curlers.)

  (Sketch leads into the New Cooker Sketch)

  * * *

  Return to the sketches index

  New Cooker Sketch

  As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 14

  * * *

  The cast:

  MRS. PINNET

  Terry Jones

  SIR VINCENT

  John Cleese

  FIRST GAS MAN

  Michael Palin

  SECOND GAS MAN

  Graham Chapman

  THIRD GAS MAN

  John Cleese

  FOURTH GAS MAN

  Eric Idle

  FIFTH GAS MAN

  Terry Gillam

  * * *

  The sketch:

  (A housewife (Mrs Pinnet) sits watching, wearing an apron and a scarf and with her hair in curlers. The doorbell sounds. She switches the TV off and answers the door which opens straight into the living room. There in the street stands a truly, amazing figure of fun. A man in a bowler hat with an axe sticking out of it, big red joke nose, illuminated bow tie that revolves, joke broad shoulders, clown's check jacket, long johns with sock suspenders, heavy army boots and leading a goat with a hat. Close-up.)

  Man: Hello. Mrs Rogers?

  Mrs Pinnet: No. Ooh I must be in the wrong house,

  (She shuts the door on him and we fellow her as she crosses the room. She climbs out of the window. Back yard of terraced house. She scrambles over a quite high dividing wall into next door and starts to scramble into next-door window. Interior of a more cluttered working-dass sitting-room. There is a TV in there with Sir Vincent still camping it up.

  Sir Vincent: So from now on we're going to do things my way. For a start David Hockhey is going to design the bombs. And I've seen the plans... ( The doorbell rings.)

  Mrs Pinnet: That must be the new gas cooker.

  (She switches the TV off. Immediate thunderous epic music. Superimposed caption on screen, in stone lettering, as for Ben Hur) 'NEW COOKER SKETCH' Both caption and music switch off suddenly as she opens the door. Outside the door are two gas men with a new cooker.)

  First Gas Man: Morning. Mrs G. Crump?

  Mrs Pinnet: No - Mrs G. Pinnet.

  First Gas Man: This is 46 Egernon Crescent?

  Mrs Pinnet: No - Road. Egernon Road.

  First Gas Man: (looks at a bit of paper) Road, yes, says here. Yeah. Right, could I speak to Mrs G. Crump please?

  Mrs Pinnet: Oh there's nobody here of that name. It's Mrs G. Pinnet. 46 Egernon Road.

  First Gas Man: Well it says 'Crump' here. Don't it, Harry?

  Second Gas Man: Yeah - it's on the invoice.

  First Gas Man: Yeah, definitely Crump.

  Mrs Pinnet: Well there must have been a mistake, because the address is right, and that's definitely the cooker I ordered - a blue and white CookEasi.

  First Gas Man: Well you can't have this. This is Crump.

  Mrs Pinnet: Oh dear, what are we going to do?

  First Gas Man: Well I don't know. What we can do for you is take it back to the Depot, get a transfer slip from Crump to Pinnet, and put it on a special delivery.

  Second Gas Man: Yeah - that's best. We'll special it for you, we'll get it down there today and you'll get it back in ten weeks.

  Mrs Pinnet: Ten weeks! Blimey, can't you just leave this one?

  First Gas Man: What this? What leave it here? (they seem thunderstruck)

  Mrs Pinnet: Yes.

  First Gas Man:' Well I dunno. I suppose we could.

  Second Gas Man: Oh, but she'd have to fill out a temporary despatch note.

  First Gas Man: Yeah we could leave it on a temporary despatch note.

  Mrs Pinnet: Well that's sorted out then. What a mess, isn't it.

  First Gas Man: I know, it's ridiculous really, but there you are. Glad we could be of such a help. Right, would you sign it down there please, Mrs Crump?

  Mrs Pinnet: Pinnet.

  First Gas Man: Pinnet. Listen, just for the books make it a bit easier, could you sign it Crump-Pinnet.

  Mrs Pinnet: Right. (she signs)

  First Gas Man: Right. Thank you very much, dear. The cooker's yours. Right. Thank you very much, dear. Right. (they push it just inside the door and move off) Sorry about the bother... but there you are ... you know ... cheerio!

  Second Gas Man: Cheerio, Mrs Crump!

  Mrs Pinnet: Heh, excuse me! Cooey! Er, can you put it in the kitchen?

  First Gas Man: (coming back) You what?

  Mrs Pinnet: Well I can't cook on it unless it's connected up.

  First Gas Man: Oh we didn't realize you had an installation invoice.

  Second Gas Man An MI.

  First Gas Man: No, we can't touch it without an MI, you see.

  Second Gas Man: Or an RI6.

  Third Gas Man: (who is suddenly revealed behind the two of them) If it's a special.

  Second Gas Man: Nah - it's not special ... the special's back at the Depot.

  First Gas Man: No, the special's the same as installation invoice.

  Third Gas Man: So it's an RI6.

  Mrs Pinnet: What's an installation invoice?

  First Gas Man: A pink form from Reading.

  Mrs Pinnet: Oh - we wondered what that was. Now these are the forms. (she produces a large wad of papers, sorts through and products a pink form which she hands to them)

  First Gas Man: That's the one, love. Yeah, this should be all I need. Hang on. This is for Pinnet. Mrs G. Pinnet.

  Mrs Pinnet: That's right. I'm Mrs G. Pinnet.

  First Gas Man: Well we've got Crump-Pinnet on the invoice.

  Mrs Pinnet: Well shall I sign it Crump-Pinnet then?

  First Gas Man: No, no, no - not an MI - no.

  Second Gas Man: No - that's from Area Service at Reading.

  Fourth Gas Man: (suddenly revealed) No, Cheltenham isn't it?

  Second Gas Man: No, not this side of the street.

  Mrs Pinnet: Look I just want it connected up.

  (Much doubtfulness.)

  Third Gas Man: What about London Office?

  First Gas Man: Well they haven't got the machinery.

  Second Gas Man: Not now.

  Fifth Gas Man: (suddenly, revealed) What! The Hounslow Depot?

  Fourth Gas Man: No - they're still on standard pressure.

  Sixth Gas Man: (suddenly revealed) Same with Twickenham.

  Mrs Pinnet: But surely they can connect up a gas cooker?

  First Gas Man: Oh yeah, we could connect it up, love, but not unless it's an emergency.

  Mrs Pinnet: But this is an emergency.

  First Gas Man: No it's not. An emergency is 290... 'where there is actual or apparent loss of combustible gaseous substances'.

  Second Gas Man: Yeah, it's like a leak.

  (Seventh gas man is revealed.)

  Seventh Gas Man: Yeah, or a 478.

  Third Gas Man: No - that's valve adjustment.

  Mrs Pinnet: But there can't be a leak unless you've connected it up.

  First Gas Man: No, quite. We'd have to turn it on.

  Mrs Pinnet: Well can't you turn it on and connect it up?

  First Gas Man: No. But what we can do, and this is between you and me, I shouldn't really be telling you this, we'll turn your gas on, make a hole in your pipe, you ring Hounslow emergency, they'll be around here in a couple of days.

  Mrs Pinnet: What, a house full of gas! Ca be dead by then

  First Gas Man: Oh well, in that case you'd have the South East Area Manager round here like a shot.

  Mrs Pinnet: Really?

  First Gas Man: Ah yes. 'One or more persons overcome by fumes', you'd have Head Office, Holbom, round here.

  Mrs Pinnet: Really?

  First Gas Man: Yes. That's murder you see.

  Second Gas Man: Or su
icide.

  Fifth Gas Man: No. That's S42.

  Second Gas Man: Oh.

  (Eighth gas man is revealed.)

  Eighth Gas Man: Still? I thought it was Hainault.

  Fifth Gas Man: No - Central area and Southall Marketing Division, they're both on the S42 now.

  Mrs Pinnet: And they'd be able to connect it up?

  First Gas Man: Oh - they'd do the lot for you, love.

  Mrs Pinnet: And they'd come round this afternoon?

  First Gas Man: ... Well what is it now... 11:30 · · · murder... they'll be round here by two.

  Mrs Pinnet: Oh well that's wonderful.

  First Gas Man: Oh well, right love, if you'd like to lie down here.

  Mrs Pinnet: All fight. (she does so)

  First Gas Man: Okay Harry.

  Second Gas Man: Okay. Gas on.

  First Gas Man: (holding a gas pipe to her mouth) Right, deep breaths love. Ring Head Office would you Norman...

  Fourth Gas Man: Shall I go through maintenance?

  Fifth Gas Man: No, you'd better go through Deptford maintenance.

  Sixth Gas Man: Peckham's on a 207 .... .

  Voices: ... that's Lewisham. What about Tottenham? No, that would be a 5.4. · · what about Lewisham? It's central isn't it? Or Ryeslip...

  (The camera pans along line of gas men all turning to each other and muttering incomprehensible technicalities, the line stretches across to bnt door. Line continues outside in street and goes into animation sequences)

  * * *

  Return to the sketches index

  Tobacconists (prostitute advert)

  As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 14

  * * *

  The cast:

  CUSTOMER

  Eric Idle

  SHOPKEEPER

  Terry Jones

  * * *

  The sketch:

  (Camera closes in on a small ad, which is one of many on the door of a small newsagent's shop. A shabby man is running an evil qe down the adverts, puzzling, looking fir something. He walks up to the counter. He has a reflex wink.)