Monty Python's Flying Circus: The Sketches
Page 34
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Living Room on Pavement
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 17
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The cast:
MR. POTTER
Michael Palin
MRS. POTTER
Graham Chapman
INTERVIEWER
Eric Idle
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The sketch:
(A working-class lounge is arranged on the pavement. There are no walls, just the furnishings: settee, two armchairs, sideboard, table, standard lamp, a tiled fireplace with ornaments on it. There is also a free-standing inside door. Mr and Mrs Potter come out of the cinema and go straight to their chairs and sit down. Passers-by have to skirt the living-room furniture.)
Mrs Potter: (settling into her chair) Oh, it's nice to be home.
Mr Potter: (looking round) Builders haven't been then.
Mrs Potter: No.
(A trendy interviewer with hand mike comes into shot.)
Interviewer: These two old people are typical of the housing problem facing Britain's aged.
Mrs Potter: Here! Don't you start doing a documentary on us, young man.
Interviewer: Oh please ...
Mrs Potter: No, you leave us alone!
Interviewer: Oh, just a little one about the appalling conditions under which you live.
Mrs Potter: No! Get out of our house! Go on!
(Interviewer turns, motions to his cameraman and sound man and they all trail off miserably)
Cameraman: Oh all fight. Come on, George, pick it up.
Mrs Potter: Why don't you do a documentary about the drug problem round in Walton Street?
(Cut to the camera crew. They stop, turn and mutter 'a drug problem!' and they dash off.)
Mrs Potter: Oh, I'll go and have a bath.
(She goes to the free-standing door and opens it. Beyond it we see the furnishings of a bathroom. In the bath is Alfred Lord Tennyson, fully clad As she opens the door we hear him reading... continued)
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Poets / Choice of Viewing
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 17
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The cast:
MR. POTTER
Michael Palin
MRS. POTTER
Graham Chapman
SALES MANAGER
John Cleese
VOICE
Eric Idle
INSPECTOR
Michael Palin
SHE
Terry Jones
WORDSWORTH
Eric Idle
CONTINUITY VOICE
Eric Idle
DEREK
John Cleese
NUDE MAN
Graham Chapman
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The sketch:
(In the bath is Alfred Lord Tennyson, fully clad As she opens the door we hear him reading:)
Tennyson: The splendour fans on castle walls And snowy summits old in story...
(She slams the door.)
Mrs Potter: 'Ere, there's Alfred Lord Tennyson in the bathroom.
Mr Potter: Well, at least the poet's been installed, then.
(Cut to an officious-looking man in Gas Board type uniform and peaked cap. Caption on screen: 'SALES MANAGER EAST MIDLANDS POET BOARD')
Sales Martager: Yes, a poet is essential for complete home comfort, and all-year round reliability at low cost. We in the East Midlands Poet Board hope to have a poet in every home by the end of next year.
(ANIMATION: an advertisement.)
Voices: (singing) Poets are both clean and warm And most are far above the norm Whether here, or on the roam Have a poet in every home.
(Cut to middle-class hall. The front doorbell rings. Housewife opens door to Gas Board type inspector with bicycle clips, rubber mac and cap and notebook In the background we can hear muffled Wordsworth.)
Voice: I wandered lonely as a cloud That floats on high...
Inspector: Morning, madam, I've come to read your poet.
She: Oh yes, he's in the cupboard under the stairs.
Inspector: What is it, a Swinburne? Shelley?
She: No, it's a Wordsworth.
Inspector: Oh, bloody daffodils.
(He opens the door of the cupboard under the stairs. Inside is Wordsworth crouching and retiring.)
Wordsworth: A host of golden daffodils Beside the lake, beneath the' trees Fluttering and dancing in the breeze
(All this while the inspeaor is shining his torch over him and noting things on his clip board.)
Wordsworth: Continuous as the stars that shine And twinkle in the Milky Way They stretch in...
(The inspector shuts the door in the middle of this and we hear Wordsworth reading on, though muffled, throughout the remainder of the sketch.)
Inspector: Right. Thank you, madam.
(He makes as if to go, but she seems anxious to detain him and bars his way.)
She: Oh, not at all. Thank you... It's a nice day, isn't it?
Inspector: Yes, yes, the weather situation is generally favourable. There's a ridge of high pressure centred over Ireland which is moving steadily eastward bringing cloudy weather to parts of the West Country, Wales and areas west of the Pennines. On tomorrow's chart ... (he reaches up and pulls down a big weather chart from the wall) the picture is much the same. With this occluded front bringing drier, warmer weather. Temperatures about average for the time of year. That's three degrees centigrade, forty-four degrees fahrenheit, so don't forget to wrap up well. That's all from me. Goodnight.
(Cut to BBC world symbol.)
Continuity Voice: Now on BBC television a choice of viewing. On BBC 2 - a discussion on censorship between Derek Hart, The Bishop of Woolwich and a nude man. And on BBC 1 - me telling you this. And now...
(Sound of TV set bring switched off. The picture reduces to a spot and we pull out to see that it was actually on a TV set which has just been switched off by the housewife. She and the gas man are now sitting in her living room. He is perched awkwardly on the edge of the sofa. He holds a cup often with a cherry on a stick in it.)
She: We don't want that, do we. Do you really want that cherry in your tea? Do you like doing this job?
Inspector: Well, it's a living, isn't it?
She: I mean, don't you get bored reading people's poets all day?
Inspector: Well, you know, sometimes ... yeah. Anyway, I think I'd better be going.
(As he gets up she comes quickly to his side.)
She: (seductively) You've got a nice torch, haven't you?
Inspector: (looking at it rather baffled) Er, yeah, yeah, it er... it er ... it goes on and off.
(He demonstrates.)
She: (drawing closer becoming breathy) How many volts is it?
Inspector: Er ... um... well, I'll have a look at the batteries. (he starts unscrewing the end)
She: Oh yes, yes.
Inspector: It's four and a half volts.
She: (rubbing up against him) Mmmm. That's wonderful. Do you want another look at the poet?
Inspector: No, no, I must be off, really.
She: I've got Thomas Hardy in the bedroom. I'd like you to look at him.
Inspector: Ah well, I can't touch him. He's a novelist.
She: Oh, he keeps mumbling all night.
Inspector: Oh well, novelists do, you see.
She: (dragging him onto the sofa) Oh forget himI What's your name, deary?
Inspector: Harness.
She: No, no! Your first name, silly!
Inspector: Wombat.
She: Oh, Wombat. Wombat Harness! Take me to the place where eternity knows no bounds, where the garden of love encloses us round. Oh Hamess!
Inspector: All right, I'll have a quick look at yer Thomas Hardy.
(Cut to studio discussion. Caption on screen: 'DEREK HART')
Derek: Nude man, what did you make of that?
Nude Man: Well, don'
t you see, that was exactly the kind of explicit sexual reference I'm objecting to. It's titillation for the sake of it. A deliberate attempt at cheap sensationalism. I don't care what the so-called avant-garde, left-wing, intellectual namby-pambies say... It is filth!
Derek: Bishop.
(Cut to crook hitting desk in previous office)
Bishop: Okay, don't anybody move!
(Titles for 'The Bishop' start and then stop abruptly. Caption on the screen: 'AN APOLOGY')
Voice Over: The BBC would like to apologize for the constant repetition in this show.
(A different caption on the screen: 'AN APOLOGY')
Voice Over: The BBC would like to apologize for the constant repetition in this show.
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Chemist Sketch /
Words not to be used again
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 17
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The cast:
CHEMIST
John Cleese
VOICE OVER
Eric Idle
BBC MAN
Michael Palin
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The sketch:
(Cut to the five Gumbys standing in a tight group.)
Gumbys: Thank you. And now a sketch about a chemist called The Chemist Sketch.
(A number of men and women are sitting around in an area by the counter where there is a large sign saying 'Dispensing Department'. A cheerful chemist appears at the counter.)
Chemist: (JOHN) Right. I've got some of your prescriptions here. Er, who's got the pox? (nobody reacts) ... Come on, who's got the pox ... come on... (a man timidly puts his hand up) . .. there you go. (throws bottle to the man with his hand up) Who's got a boil on the bum... boil on the botty. (throws bottle to the only man standing up) Who's got the chest rash? (a woman with a large bosom puts up hand) Have to get a bigger bottle. Who's got wind? (throws bottle to a man sitting on his own) Catch.
(Caption on the screen: 'THE CHEMIST SKETCH - AN APOLOGY')
Voice Over: The BBC would like to apologize for the poor quality of the writing in that sketch. It is not BBC policy to get easy laughs with words like bum, knickers, bony or wee-wees. (laughs off camera) Ssssh!
(Cut to a man standing by a screen with a clicker.)
BBC Man: These are the words that are not to be used again on this programme.
(He clicks the clicker. On screen appear the following slides:
B*M
B*TTY
P*X
KN*CKERS
W**-W**
SEMPRINI
(A girl comes into shot.)
Girl: Semprini!?
BBC Man: (pointing) Out!
(Cut back to the chemist's shop. The chemist appears again.)
Chemist: Right, who's got a boil on his Semprini, then?
(A policeman appears .and bundles him off.)
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After-Shave
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 17
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The cast:
MAN
Eric Idle
CHEMIST
Terry Jones
CHEMIST
Michael Palin
FIRST GUMBY
Michael Palin
SECOND GUMBY
John Cleese
CARDINAL XIMINEZ
Michael Palin
ANOTHER MAN
Graham Chapman
KEN SHABBY
Michael Palin
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The sketch:
(Scene: Another chemist's shop with a different chemist standing at the counter. A superimposed caption on the screen: 'A LESS NAUGHTY CHEMIST'S' A man walks in.)
Man: Good morning.
Chemist: Good morning, sir.
Man: Good morning. I'd like some aftershave, please.
Chemist: Ah, certainly. Walk this way, please.
Man: If I could walk that way I wouldn't need aftershave.
(The policeman runs into the shop and hauls the man off. Cut to shop again. Caption on screen: 'A NOT AT ALL NAUGHTY CHEMIST'S' Another chemist is standing with a large sign reading 'A Not At All Naughty Chemist'. Pull back to reveal sign above stock reads 'Not At All Naughty Chemists Ltd'. A man enters.)
Man: Good morning.
Chemist: (puts down sign) Good morning, sir. Can I help you?
Man: Yes. I'd like some aftershave.
Chemist: Ah. A toilet requisite-t-t-t-t-t... Would you like to try this, sir. I'ts our very, very latest, it's called Sea Mist.
Man: (sniffs it) I quite like it.
Chemist: How about something a little more musky? This one's called Mimmo.
Man:. Not really, no. Have you anything a little more fishier?
Chemist: Fishier?
Man: Fishier.
Chemist: Fish, fish, fish. A fishy requisite-t-t-t-t-t...
Man: Like halibut or sea bass.
Chemist: Or bream?
Man: Yes.
Chemist: No, we haven't got any of that... ah, I've got mackerel... or cod... or hake...
Man: You haven't got anything a little more halibut-ish?
Chemist: Er... parrot? What's that doing there? Or skate with just a hint of prawn? Or crab, tiger and almonds, very unusual.
Man: I really had my heart set on halibut.
Chemist: Well, sir, we had a fishy consignment in this morning, so I could nip down to the basement and see if I can come up trumps on this particular requisite-t-t-t-t-t. So it was halibut... or... ?
Man: Sea bass.
Chemist: Sea bass. Won't be a moment.
(The man waits for a few seconds, starts becoming uncomfortable, looks at watch, hums.)
Man: (to camera) Sorry about this... pore pom pore... Normally we try to avoid these little ... pauses ... longeurs... only dramatically he's gone down to the basement, you see. 'Come, there isn't really a basement but he just goes off and we pretend... Actually what happens is he goes off there, off camera, and just waits there so it looks as though he's gone down ... to the basement. Actually I think he's rather overdoing it. Ah!
(Long shot of the chemist with canon waiting off camera. Floor manager cues him and he walks to counter.)
Chemist: Well, sorry, sir. (out of breath) Lot of steps. (man winks at camera) Well, I'm afraid it didn't come in this morning, sir. But we have got some down at our Kensington branch. I'll just nip down there and get it for you.
Man: How long will that be?
Chemist: Twenty minutes.
Man: Twenty minutes!
(As he stands getting embarrassed, a girl hastily dressed as an assistant approaches him and hands him a message on a long stick.)
Man: Oh... I wonder what other people use for aftershave lotion?
(Cut to vox pops film.)
First Gumby: I use a body rub called Halitosis to make my breath seem sweet.
Second Gumby: I use an aftershave called Semprini.
(He is hauled off by policeman.)
Chemist: (hurrying Past) I'm sorry, sorry - can't stop now, I've got to get to Kensington.
Cardinal Ximiaez: I use two kinds of aftershave lotions - Frankincense, Myrrh - three kinds of aftershave lotions, Frankincense, Myrrh, Sandalwood - four kinds of aftershave lotion. Frankincense, ....
Another Man: I have a cold shower every morning iust before I go mad, and then I go mad, 1. Mad, 2. Mad, 3. Mad, 4...
Shabby: I use Rancid Polecat number two. It keeps my skin nice and scaly.
Chemist: (hurrying Past) Sorry again. Can't stop - got to get back.
(Cut back to chemist's where the man is at a clock on wall pushing minute hand round twenty minutes. He looks at the camera guiltily and returns to right side of counter. The chemist enters.)
Chemist: Well I'm afraid they don't have any at our Kensington branch. But we have some down at the depot.
Man: Where's that?
Chemist: Aberdeen.
/>
Man: Aberdeen?
Chemist: It's all fight. Wait here ... I've got a car.
Man: No, no, no. I'll take the other, the crab, tiger and...
Chemist: Almond requisite... t... t... ?
Man: I'll take it.
(The chemist turns his back. A shoplifter enters. There is two men inside a large mac. He has false arms behind his back a la Duke of Edinburgh. The man watches him. He strolls to the counter and then two arms come out of coat and grab things from counter taking them inside the coat. Then these two arms are joined by a third arm which is black. All these arms steal stuff. The man taps the chemist and points at shoplifter. Chemist watches and then blows whistle. They wait for a tick. Then the policeman runs into the shop.)
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Police Constable Pan-Am
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 17
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The cast:
POLICEMAN
Graham Chapman
CHEMIST
Michael Palin
SHOPLIFTER
Terry Gillam
VOICE OVER
John Cleese
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The sketch:
Policeman: Right. Rightl RIGHT! Now then! Now then! Your turn.
Chemist: Aren't you going to say 'What's all this then?'?
Policeman: Oh! Right, what's all this, then?
Chemist: This man has been shoplifting, officer.