Monty Python's Flying Circus: The Sketches

by Monty Python

Policeman: Oh, he has? Yus?

  Chemist: Yes.

  Policeman: Are you trying to tell me my job?

  Chemist: No, but he's been shoplifting.

  Policeman: Look! I must warn you that anything you may say will be ignored and furthermore, given half a chance I'll put my fist through your teeth. F'tang. F'tang.

  Man: But officer, this man here...

  Policeman: I've had enough of you. You're under arrest.

  (He makes noises of plane flying and firing.)

  Chemist: Officer, it wasn't him. (indicates shoplifter) He's the shoplifter.

  Shoplifter: No I'm not.

  Shoplifter's Mate: (sticking his head out of mac) He's not ... I'm a witness.

  Policeman: (to chemist) One more peep out of you and I'll do you for heresy.

  Chemist: Heresy. Blimey. I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.

  Policeman: Shut up! F'tang. F'tang. Oh, that's nice. (he takes an object off the counter and pockets it) Right. I'm taking you along to the station.

  Man: What for?

  Policeman: I'm charging you with illegal possession of whatever we happen to have down there. Right. (makes plane noise again) Lunar module calling Buzz Aldrin. Come in. Raindrops keep falling on my head... but that doesn't mean that my...

  (Caption appears on screen: 'AN APOLOGY')

  Voice Over: (JOHN) The BBC would like to apologize to the police about the character of Police Constable Pan Am. He was not meant to represent the average police officer. Similarly, the reference to Buzz Aldrin, the astronaut, was the product of a disordered mind and should not be construed as having any other significance. Photo of Buzz Aldrin.

  (Superimposed caption on the screen: 'THE BUZZ ALDRIN SHOW STARRING BUZZ ALDRIN WITH... (CREDITS)' Cut to Gumbys as at start of show.)

  Gumbys: And now for something completely different. (jump cut to female Gumbys; then back to original shot) Oh that was fun. And now (CAPTION: 'THE END') The end, The end! The end! The end!

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  Live from the Grill-o-Mat Snack Bar, Paignton

  As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 18

  * * *

  The cast:

  VOICE OVER

  Michael Palin

  LINKMAN

  John Cleese

  * * *

  The sketch:

  (Sketch opens with the BBC world symbol)

  Voice Over: Monty Python's Flying Circus tonight comes to you live from the Grillomat Snack Bar, Paignton.

  (Interior of a nasty snack bar. Customers around, preferably real people. Linkman sitting at one of the plastic tables.)

  Linkman: Hello to you live from the Grillomat Snack Bar, Paignton. And so, without any more ado, let's have the titles.

  lt's Man Voice: It's...

  (Animated titles. Back to the snack ban)

  Linkman: (with rather forced bonhomie) Well, those were the titles. And now for the first item this evening on the Menu - ha ha - the team have chosen as a little hors d'oeuvres an item - and I think we can be sure it won't be an ordinary item - in fact the team mid me just before the show that anything could happen, and probably would - so let's have ... the item.

  (Cut to the word 'Blackmail' in letters)

  * * *

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  Blackmail!

  As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 18

  * * *

  About the Sketch:

  Not only did the sketch appear in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 18, it also featured in the Movie - 'And Now For Something Completely Different'. It was also performed on their Albums - 'Monty Python Live at City Center' and US version of 'The Monty Python Instant Record Collection'.

  * * *

  The sketch:

  (Music up-- wild applause and cheers from the audience)

  Announcer (Michael Palin):

  Hello! Hello! Hello! Thank you,thank you. Hello good evening and welcome, to BLACKMAIL! Yes, it's another edition of the game in which you can play with *yourself*. (applause) And to start tonight's show, let's see our first contestant, all the way from Manchester, on the big screen please: MRS. BETTY TEAL!

  (applause, which suddenly stops when the clap track tape breaks) 'Ello, Mrs. Teal, lovely to have you on the show. Now Mrs. Teal, if you're looking in tonight, this is for 15 pounds: and is to stop us from revealing the name of your LOVER IN BOLTON!! So, Mrs. Teal, send us 15 pounds, by return of post please, and your husband Trevor, and your lovely children Diane, Janice, and Juliet, need never know the name... of your LOVER IN BOLTON!

  (applause; organ music. Shot of the organist, who is stark naked.)

  Thank you Onan! And now: a letter, a hotel registration book, and a series of photographs, which could add up to divorce, premature retirement, and possible criminal proceedings for a company director in Bromsgrove. He's a freemason, and a conservative M.P., so that's 3,000 pounds please Mr. S... thank you... to stop us from revealing:

  Your name,

  The name of the three other people involved,

  The youth organization to which they belonged,

  and The shop where you bought the equipment!

  (organ music)

  But right now, yes everyone is the moment you've all been waiting for; it's time for our Stop the Film spots! As you know, the rules are very simple. We have taken a film which contains compromising scenes and unpleasant details which could wreck a man's career. (gasp) But, the victim may 'phone me at any moment, and stop the film. But remember the money increases as the film goes on, so-o-o-o: the longer you leave it, the *more* you have to pay! Tonight, Stop the Film visits the little Thames-side village of Thames Ditton.

  (music--announcer's voice over)

  Well, here we go, here we go now, let's see...where's our man. Oh yes, there he is behind the tree now.... Mm, boy, this is fun, this is good fun.... He looks respectable, so we should be in for some real...real chucks here.... A member of the government, could be a brain surgeon, they're the worst.... Whoa! Look at the *size* of that.....briefcase. Aah, yes, he's, he's up to the door, rung the doorbell now.... O-oh, who's the little number with the nightie and the whip, eh? Heh-heh. Doesn't look like his mother....could be his sister.... If it is he's in real trouble....

  And just look at that, they're upstairs already... whoah, boy, this is fun! A very brave man, our contestant tonight. Who-ho-ho!! This is no Tupperware party! Very brave man, they don't usually get this far... What's--what's that, what's she's doing to his.....is that a CHICKEN up there? No, no, it's just the way she's holding the grapefruit... Whoah, ho ho...

  ('Phone rings; buzzer goes off; film stops. Applause)

  (picking up 'phone)

  Hello sir...yes...aha-ha-ha...yes, just in time, sir, that was...what? No, no, sir, it's alright, we don't morally censor, we just want the money. Thank you sir, yes,....what? You.....okay....Thank you for playing the game, sir, very nice indeed, okay....okay, see you tonight, Dad, bye-bye.

  Well, that's all from this edition of Blackmail. Join me next week, same time, same channel....Join me, two dogs, and a vicar, when we'll be playing "Pedorasto", the game for all the family. Thank you, thank you, thank you...

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  Society for Putting Things on Top of Other Things / Escape (from film)

  As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 18

  * * *

  The cast:

  TOASTMASTER

  Eric Idle

  SIR WILLIAM

  Graham Chapman

  MR. CUTLER

  John Cleese

  MR. BARNES

  Michael Palin

  FIRST GERMAN OFFICER

  Ian Davidson

  SECOND GERMAN OFFICER

  Terry Gillam

  SERGEANT

  Terry Jones

  LINKMAN

  John Cleese

  * * *

  The sk
etch:

  Toastmaster: Gentlemen, pray silence for the President of the Royal Society for Putting Things on Top of Other Things.

  (There is much upper class applause and banging on the table as Sir William rises to his feet.)

  Sir William: I thank you, gentlemen. The year has been a good one for the Society (hear, hear). This year our members have put more things on top of other things than ever before. But, I should warn you, this is no time for complacency. No, there are still many things, and I cannot emphasize this too strongly, not on top of other things. I myself, on my way here this evening, saw a thing that was not on top of another thing in any way. (shame!) Shame indeed but we must not allw ourselves to become too despondent. For, we must never forget that if there was not one thing that was not on top of another thing our society would be nothing more than a meaningless body of men that had gathered together for no good purpose. But we flourish. This year our Australasian members and the various organizations affiliated to our Australasian branches put no fewer than twenty-two things on top of other things. (applause) Well done all of you. But there is one cloud on the horizon. In this last year our Staffordshire branch has not succeeded in putting one thing on top of another (shame!). Therefore I call upon our Staffordshire delegate to explain this weird behaviour.

  (As Sir William sits a meek man met at one of the side tables.)

  Mr Cutler: Er, Cutler, Staffordshire. Um ... well, Mr Chairman, it's just that most of the members in Staffordshire feel... the whole thing's a bit silly.

  (Cries of outrage. Chairman leaps to feet.)

  Sir William: Silly SILLY!! (he pauses and thinks) Silly! I suppose it is, a bit. What have we been doing wasting our lives with all this nonsense (hear, hear). Right, okay, meeting adjourned for ever.

  (He gets right up and walks away from the table to approving noises and applause. He walks to a door at the side of the studio set and goes through it. Exterior shot: a door opens and Sir William appears out of it into the fresh air. He suddenly halts.)

  Sir William: Good Lord. I'm on film. How did that happen?

  (He turns round and disappears into the building again. He reappears through door, crosses set and goes out through another door. Exterior.' he appears from the door into the fresh air and then stops.)

  Sir William: It's film again. What's going on?

  (He turns and disappears through the door again. Cut to him inside the building. He crosses to a window and looks out, then turns and says...)

  Sir William: Gentlemen! I have bad news. This room is surrounded by film.

  Members: What! What!

  (Several members run to window and look out. Cut to film of them looking out of a window. Cut to studio: the members run to a door and open it. Cut to film: of them appearing at the door hesitating and then closing door. Cut to studio: with increasing panic they run to the second door. Cut to film: they appear, hesitate, and go back inside. Cut to studio: they run to Sir William in the centre of the room.)

  A Member: We're trapped!

  Sir William: Don't panic, we'll get out of this.

  A Member: How?

  Sir William: We'll tunnel our way out.

  Barnes: Good thinking, sir. I'll get the horse.

  Sir William: Okay Captain, you detail three men, start digging and load them up with cutlery, and then we'll have a rota, we'll have two hours digging, two hours vaulting and then two hours sleeping, okay?

  (Barnes and others carry a vaulting hone into shot. The members start vaulting over it Two Gestapo officers walk by.)

  Mr Cutler: All right, Medwin, lees see you get over that horse. Pick your feet up, Medwin. Come on, boy!

  1st German Officer: Ze stupid English. Zey are prisoners and all they do is the sport.

  2nd German Officer: One thing worries me, Fritz.

  1st German Officer: Ja?

  2nd Germam Officer: Where's the traditional cheeky and lovable Cockney sergeant?

  Sergeant: (donning tin helmet) Cheer up, Fritz, it may never happen (sing) Maybe ies because I'm a Londoner...

  2nd German Officer: Good. Everything seems to be in order.

  (The Gestapo officers leave. Mr Cutler runs up to Sir William.)

  Mr Cutler: Colonel! I've just found another exit, sir.

  Sir William: Okay, quickly, run this way.

  Everyone: If we could run that way . .. (he stops them with a finger gesture) sorry.

  (ANIMATION: A bleak landscape. A large foot with a Victorian lady on top of it comes hopping past. A door in a building opens and the society members (real people superimposed) run out, along the cartoon, and disappear, falling into nothingness. Cut to section of an oesophagus. The members (now animated cut-outs) fall down it into a stomach where they are joined by various large vegetables. Pull back to show that this is a cutaway view of an Edwardian gentleman. He belches.)

  Animation Voice: Oh, I'm terribly sorry, excuse me.

  (He moves through a door marked 'gents'. We hear a lavatory flushing. Cut to linkman at table.)

  Linkman: Ah, hello. Well they certainly seem to be in a tight spot, and I spot... our next item - so let's get straight on with the fun and go over to the next item - or dish! Ha, ha!

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  Current Affairs

  As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 18

  * * *

  The cast:

  PRALINE

  John Cleese

  BROOKY

  Eric Idle

  FLOOR MANAGER

  Terry Jones

  * * *

  The sketch:

  (Cut to a simple set with two chairs in it. Close up of Mr Praline.)

  Praline: Hello. 'Ow are you? I'm fine. Welcome to a new half-hour chat show in which me, viz the man what's talking to you now, and Brooky - to wit my flat mate - and nothing else, I'd like to emphasize that - discuss current affairs issues of burning import.

  (Pull back to show Brooky.)

  Brooky: Have you heard the one about the three nuns in the nudist colony?

  Praline: Shut up. Tonight, the population explosion.

  Brooky: Apparently there were these three nuns...

  Praline: Shut up. Come the year 1991, given the present rate of increase in the world's population, the Chinese will be three deep. Another thing...

  (Floor manager comes in.)

  Floor Manager: Sorry, loves, sorry, the show is too long this week and this scene's been cut.

  Praline: Lord Hill's at the bottom Of this.

  Floor Manager: But if you can find a piano stool you can appear later on in the show on film.

  Brooky: 'Ow much?

  Floor Manager: Oh, about ten bob each.

  Praline: I wouldn't wipe me nose on it.

  Brooky: 'Ave you 'eard the one about these three nuns...

  Praline: Sh. I can hear something. 'Ang about, we may still get in this show as a link.

  (Praline kneels and puts his ear to the floor. In the bottom section of the shot we see beneath the floor an animation of the unfortunate members of the Society for Putting Things on Top of Other Things bring flushed along a pipe.)

  Brooky: That's clever. How do they do that?

  Praline: Colour separation, you cotton head.

  * * *

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  Accidents Sketch

  As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 18

  * * *

  The cast:

  BUTLER

  Graham Chapman

  MAN

  Eric Idle

  MAID

  Carol Cleveland

  GREEN

  Terry Jones

  POLICEMAN

  Michael Palin

  * * *

  The sketch:

  (Oak-panelled door with notice on it saying 'Prawn Salad Ltd'. The butler pushes it open and shows man into living room. The room is fairly large, containing at one end opposite the door a big window, making the room look q
uite high up - although it should be stately rather than modern. In the middle of the room's back wall there is a large ornate mirror, over a mantelpiece filled with objects. To the right of this wall there is a large bookshelf filled with books, and in front of it there is a drinks trolley.)

  Butler: Well, if you'll just wait in here, sir, I'm sure Mr Thompson won't keep you waiting long.

  Man: Fine. Thanks very much. He picks up a magazine. The mirror behind him without warning falls off the wall and smashes to the ground. The butler returns, and looks at the man enquiringly.

  Man: The mirror fell off the wall.

  Butler: Sir?

  Man: The mirror fell off... off the wall... it fell.

  Butler: (polite but disbelieving) I see. You'd better wait here. I'll get a cloth.

  (The butler just closes the door behind him and the bookcase detaches itself from the wall and comes sweeping down, bringing with it the drinks trolley. The butler opens the door.)

  Man: Ah, it ... it came off the wall.

  Butler: Yes, sir?

  Man: It just came right off the wall.

  Butler: Really, sir.

  Man: Yes, I ... I didn't touch it.

  Butler: (politely ironic) Of course not. It just fell off the wall.