Monty Python's Flying Circus: The Sketches
Page 60
(Fade to black and at to BBC world symbol)
Continuity Voice: (talc) And now on BBC another six minutes of Monty Python's Flying Circus.
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Argument Clinic
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About the Sketch:
This sketch not only appeared in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 29, it also performed live in the Movie - 'Live at the Hollywood Bowl'. It was also featured on their albums 'Monty Python's Previous Record', 'Monty Python's Instant Record Collection (UK version)', 'The Monty Python Instant Record Collection' (US version), ''Monty Python's The Final Ripoff' and 'The Ultimate Monty Python Ripoff'. It was also performed live on their album - 'Monty Python live at the Theatre Royal Drury Lane'.
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The cast:
MAN
Michael Palin
RECEPTIONIST
Rita Davies
MR. BARNARD
Graham Chapman
MR. VIBRATING
John Cleese
COMPLAINER
Eric Idle
SPREADERS
Terry Jones
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The sketch:
Man: Ah. I'd like to have an argument, please.
Receptionist: Certainly sir. Have you been here before?
Man: No, I haven't, this is my first time.
Receptionist: I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
Man: Well, what is the cost?
Receptionist: Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
Man: Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just the one and then see how it goes.
Receptionist: Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the moment.
(Pause)
Receptionist: Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory. Ah yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12.
Man: Thank you.
(Walks down the hall. Opens door.)
Mr Barnard: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Man: Well, I was told outside that...
Mr Barnard: Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
Man: What?
Mr Barnard: Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, maloderous, pervert!!!
Man: Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to just stand...!!
Mr Barnard: OH, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse.
Man: Oh, I see, well, that explains it.
Mr Barnard: Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor.
Man: Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry.
Mr Barnard: Not at all.
Man: Thank You. (Under his breath) Stupid git!!
(Walk down the corridor)
Man: (Knock)
Mr Vibrating: Come in.
Man: Ah, Is this the right room for an argument?
Mr Vibrating: I told you once.
Man: No you haven't.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I have.
Man: When?
Mr Vibrating: Just now.
Man: No you didn't.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.
Man: You didn't
Mr Vibrating: I did!
Man: You didn't!
Mr Vibrating: I'm telling you I did!
Man: You did not!!
Mr Vibrating: Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour?
Man: Oh, just the five minutes.
Mr Vibrating: Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.
Man: You most certainly did not.
Mr Vibrating: Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you.
Man: No you did not.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.
Man: No you didn't.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.
Man: No you didn't.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.
Man: No you didn't.
Mr Vibrating: Yes I did.
Man: You didn't.
Mr Vibrating: Did.
Man: Oh look, this isn't an argument.
Mr Vibrating: Yes it is.
Man: No it isn't. It's just contradiction.
Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.
Man: It is!
Mr Vibrating: It is not.
Man: Look, you just contradicted me.
Mr Vibrating: I did not.
Man: Oh you did!!
Mr Vibrating: No, no, no.
Man: You did just then.
Mr Vibrating: Nonsense!
Man: Oh, this is futile!
Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.
Man: I came here for a good argument.
Mr Vibrating: No you didn't; no, you came here for an argument.
Man: An argument isn't just contradiction.
Mr Vibrating: It can be.
Man: No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.
Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.
Man: Yes it is! It's not just contradiction.
Mr Vibrating: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
Man: Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.'
Mr Vibrating: Yes it is!
Man: No it isn't!
Man: Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.
(short pause)
Mr Vibrating: No it isn't.
Man: It is.
Mr Vibrating: Not at all.
Man: Now look.
Mr Vibrating: (Rings bell) Good Morning.
Man: What?
Mr Vibrating: That's it. Good morning.
Man: I was just getting interested.
Mr Vibrating: Sorry, the five minutes is up.
Man: That was never five minutes!
Mr Vibrating: I'm afraid it was.
Man: It wasn't.
(Pause)
Mr Vibrating: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.
Man: What?!
Mr Vibrating: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
Man: Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh come on!
Mr Vibrating: (Hums)
Man: Look, this is ridiculous.
Mr Vibrating: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
Man: Oh, all right.
(pays money)
Mr Vibrating: Thank you. (short pause)
Man: Well?
Mr Vibrating: Well what?
Man: That wasn't really five minutes, just now.
Mr Vibrating: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
Man: I just paid!
Mr Vibrating: No you didn't.
Man: I DID!
Mr Vibrating: No you didn't.
Man: Look, I don't want to argue about that.
Mr Vibrating: Well, you didn't pay.
Man: Aha. If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? I Got you!
Mr Vibrating: No you haven't.
Man: Yes I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid.
Mr Vibrating: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
Man: Oh I've had enough of this.
Mr Vibrating: No you haven't.
Man: Oh Shut up.
(Walks down the stairs. Opens door.)
Man: I want to complain.
Complainer: You want to complain! Look at these shoes. I've only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through.
Man: No, I want to complain about...
Complainer: If you complain nothing happens, you might as well not bother.
Man: Oh!
Complainer: Oh my back hurts, it's not a very fine day and I'm sick and tired of this office.
(Slams door. walks down corridor, opens next door.)
Man: Hello, I want to... Ooooh!
Spreaders: No, no, no. Hol
d your head like this, then go Waaah. Try it again.
Man: uuuwwhh!!
Spreaders: Better, Better, but Waah, Waah! Put your hand there.
Man: No.
Spreaders: Now..
Man: Waaaaah!!!
Spreaders: Good, Good! That's it.
Man: Stop hitting me!!
Spreaders: What?
Man: Stop hitting me!!
Spreaders: Stop hitting you?
Man: Yes!
Spreaders: Why did you come in here then?
Man: I wanted to complain.
Spreaders: Oh no, that's next door. It's being-hit-on-the-head lessons in here.
Man: What a stupid concept.
(Detective Inspector Fox enters.)
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Inspector Flying Fox of the Yard
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 29
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The cast:
INSPECTOR FOX
Graham Chapman
MAN
Michael Palin
SPREADERS
Terry Jones
INSPECTOR GAZELLE
Eric Idle
POLICEMAN
John Cleese
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The sketch:
(This sketch continues from - Hitting on the Head Lessons. We see Detective Inspector Fox enter the room.)
Inspector Fox: Right. Hold it there.
Man and Spreaders: What?
Inspector Fox: Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Inspector Fox of the Light Entertainment Police, Comedy Division, Special Flying Squad.
Man and Spreaders: Flying Fox of the Yard.
Inspector Fox: Shut up! (he hits the man with a truncheon)
Man: Ooooh?
Spreaders: No, no, no - Waagh!
Inspector Fox: And you. (he hits Spreaders)
Spreaders: Waagh!
Inspector Fox: He's good! You could learn a thing or two from him. Right now you two me old beauties, you are nicked.
Man: What for?
Inspector Fox: I'm charging you two under Section 21 of the Strange Sketch Act.
Man: The what?
Inspector Fox: You are hereby charged that you did willfully take part in a strange sketch, that is, a skit, spoof or humorous vignette of an unconventional nature with intent to cause grievous mental confusion to the Great British Public. (to camera) Evening all.
Spreaders: It's a fair cop.
Inspector Fox: And you tosh. (.hits the man)
Man: WAAAGH!
Inspector Fox: That's excellent! Right, come on down the Yard.
(Another inspector arrives.)
Inspector Gazelle: Hold it. Hold it. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Inspector Thompson's Gazelle of the Programme Planning Police, Light Entertainment Division, Special Flying Squad.
Inspector Fox: Flying Thompson's Gazelle of the Yard!
Inspector Gazelle: Shut up! (he hits him)
Inspector Fox: Waaaagh!
Spreaders: He's good.
Inspector Gazelle: Shut up! (hits Spreaders)
Spreaders: WAAGH!
Man: Rotten. (he gets hit) WAAAGH!
Inspector: Good. Now I'm 'arrestin' this entire show on three counts: one, acts of self-conscious behaviour contrary to the 'Not in front of the children' Act, two, always saying 'It's so and so of the Yard' every time the fuzz arrives and, three, and this is the cruncher, offences against the 'Getting out of sketches without using a proper punchline' Act, four, namely, simply ending every bleedin' sketch by just having a policeman come in and... wait a minute.
(Another policeman enters.)
Policeman: Hold it. (puts his hand on Inspector Thompson's Gazelle's shoulder)
Inspector: It's a fair cop.
(A large hairy hand appears through the door and claps him on the shoulder.)
CAPTION: 'THE END'
(Cut to BBC world symbol.)
Announcer's Voice: And now on BBC 1, one more minute of Monty Python's Flying Circus.
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'Blood, Devastation, Death, War and Horror' /
The Man who speaks in anagrams
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 30
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The cast:
INTERVIEWER
Michael Palin
MAN
Eric Idle
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The sketch:
(Stock colour film of vivid explosive action for fifteen seconds: dog fight RAF style; trains crashing; Spanish hotel blowing up; car crashing and exploding; train on collapsing bridge; volcano erupting; Torrey Canyon burning; forest fire blazing. From this we zoom the following words individually:)
CAPTION: 'BLOOD, DEATH, WAR, HORROR'
(Cut to an interviewer in a rather dinky little set. On the wall there is a rather prettily done sign, not too big, saying 'Blood, Devastation, Death, War and Horror', as if it were a show's title.)
Interviewer: Hello, good evening and welcome to another edition of Blood Devastation Death War and Horror, and later on we'll be meeting a man who *does* gardening. But first on the show we've got a man who speaks entirely in anagrams.
Man: Taht si crreoct.
Interviewer: Do you enjoy it?
Man: I stom certainly od. Revy chum so.
Interviewer: And what's your name?
Man: Hamrag - Hamrag Yatlerot
Interviewer: Well, Graham, nice to have you on the show. Now, where do you come from?
Man: Bumcreland.
Interviewer: Cumberland?
Man: Stah't it sepricely.
Interviewer: And I believe you're working on an anagram version of Shakespeare?
Man: Sey, sey - taht si crreoct, er - ta the mnemot I'm wroking on "The Mating of the Wersh".
Interviewer: "The Mating of the Wersh"? By William Shakespeare?
Man: Nay, by Malliwi Rapesheake.
Interviewer: And what else?
Man: "Two Netlemeng of Verona", "Twelfth Thing", "The Chamrent of Venice"....
Interviewer: Have you done "Hamlet"?
Man: "Thamle". 'Be ot or bot ne ot, tath is the nestquoi.'
Interviewer: And what is your next project?
Man: "Ring Kichard the Thrid".
Interviewer: I'm sorry?
Man: 'A shroe! A shroe! My dingkom for a shroe!'
Interviewer: Ah, Ring Kichard, yes... but surely that's not an anagram, that's a spoonerism.
Man: If you're going to split hairs, I'm going to piss off. (Exit)
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Anagram Quiz
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 30
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The cast:
VOICE OVER
John Cleese
PRESENTER
John Cleese
PEPPERPOT
Graham Chapman
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The sketch:
Voice Over: Tony M. Nyphot's Flying Risccu.
CAPTION: 'CHAMRAN KNEBT'
(Pull out a little. The board has little green curtains and there is a pepperpot standing in front of it.)
Presenter: Mrs Scab, you have twelve hours to beat the clock.
(A gong goes. A superimposed clock starts to move incredibly fast. It has a minute hand and an hour hand. Twelve hours pass very quickly. The pepperpot starts to rearrange the letters, very quickly. She gets it right. It reads: 'merchant bank: The gong goes, and the clock stops.)
Presenter: Correct!
Pepperpot: I've done it. I've done it. Ha, ha, ha!
(An enormous head of a large cartoon-type hammer hits her and she goes down very fast.)
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Merchant Banker
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 30
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The cast:
CITY GENT
John
Cleese
MR. FORD
Terry Jones
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The sketch:
(Cut to a city gent in his office. A sign on his desk says a 'Charman Knebter'. He is waiting to answer hit phone. It rings; he answers.)
City Gent: Hello? Ah, Mr Victim, I'm glad to say that I've got the go-ahead to lend you the money you require. Yes, of course we will want as security the deeds of your house, of your aunt's house, of your second cousin's house, of your wife's parents' house, and of your grannie's bungalow, and we will in addition need a controlling interest in your new company, unrestricted access to your private bank account, the deposit in our vaults of your three children as hostages and a full legal indemnity against any acts of embezzlement carried out against you by any members of our staff during the normal course of their duties... no, I'm afraid we couldn't accept your dog instead of your youngest child, we would like to suggest a brand new scheme of ours under which 51% of both your dog and your wife pass to us in the event of your suffering a serious accident. Fine. No, not at all, nice to do business with you. (puts the phone down, speaks on intercom) Miss Godfrey, could you send in Mr Ford please. (to himself) Now where's that dictionary. ah yes - here we are, inner life... inner life ... (a knock on the door) Come in. (Mr Ford enters, he is collecting for charity with a tin) Ah, Mr Ford isn't it?