Monty Python's Flying Circus: The Sketches

by Monty Python

  Mr Ford: That's right.

  City Gent: How do you do. I'm a merchant banker.

  Mr Ford: How do you do Mr...

  City Gent: Er... I forget my name for the moment but I am a merchant banker.

  Mr Ford: Oh. I wondered whether you'd like to contribute to the orphan's home. (he rattles the tin)

  City Gent: Well 1 don't want to show my hand too early, but actually here at Slater Nazi we are quite keen to get into orphans, you know, developing market and all that... what son of sum did you have in mind?

  Mr Ford: Well... er... you're a rich man.

  City Gent: Yes, 1 am. Yes. Yes, very, very rich. Quite phenomenally wealthy. Yes, I do own the most startling quantifies of cash. Yes, quite right... you're rather a smart young lad aren't you. We could do with somebody like you to feed the pantomime horse. Very smart.

  Mr Ford: Thank you, sir.

  City Gent: Now, you were saying. I'm very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very rich.

  Mr Ford: So er, how about a pound?

  City Gent: A pound. Yes, I see. Now this loan would be secured by the...

  Mr Ford: It's not a loan, sir.

  City Gent: What?

  Mr Ford: It's not a loan.

  City Gent: Ah.

  Mr Ford: You get one of these, sir. (he gives him a flag)

  City Gent: It's a bit small for a share certificate isn't it? Look, I think I'd better run this over to our legal department. If you could possibly pop back on Friday.

  Mr Ford: Well do you have to do that, couldn't you just give me the pound?

  City Gent: Yes, but you see I don't know what it's for.

  Mr Ford: It's for the orphans.

  City Gent: Yes?

  Mr Ford: It's a gift.

  City Gent: A what?

  Mr Ford: A gift?

  City Gent: Oh a gift!

  Mr Ford: Yes.

  City Gent: A tax dodge.

  Mr Ford: No, no, no, no.

  City Gent: No? Well, I'm awfully sorry I don't understand. Can you just explain exactly what you want.

  Mr Ford: Well, I want you to give me a pound, and then I go away and give it to the orphans.

  City Gent: Yes?

  Mr Ford: Well, that's it.

  City Gent: No, no, no, I don't follow this at all, I mean, I don't want to seem stupid but it looks to me as though I'm a pound down on the whole deal.

  Mr Ford: Well, yes you are.

  City Gent: I am! Well, what is my incentive to give you the pound?

  Mr Ford: Well the incentive is - to make the orphans happy.

  City Gent: (genuinely puzzled) Happy?... You quite sure you've got this fight?

  Mr Ford: Yes, lots of people give me money.

  City Gent: What, just like that?

  Mr Ford: Yes.

  City Gent: Must be sick. I don't suppose you could give me a list of their names and addresses could you?

  Mr Ford: No, I just go up to them in the street and ask.

  City Gent: Good lord! That's the most exciting new idea I've heard in years! It's so simple it's brilliant! Well, if that idea of yours isn't worth a pound I'd like to know what is. (he takes the tin from Ford)

  Mr Ford: Oh, thank you, sir.

  City Gent: The only trouble is, you gave me the idea before I'd given you the pound. And that's not good business.

  Mr Ford: Isn't it?

  City Gent: No, I'm afraid it isn't. So, um, off you go. (he pulls a lever opening a trap door under Ford's feet and Ford falls through with a yelp) Nice to do business with you.

  * * *

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  Pantomine Horses /

  Life and Death Struggles

  As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 30

  * * *

  The cast:

  CITY GENT

  John Cleese

  VOICE OVER

  John Cleese

  * * *

  The sketch:

  (The door opens and two pantomime horses run in. Pantomime music. They do a routine including running round the room and bumping into each other. They then stand in front of the city gent crossing their legs and putting their heads on one side.)

  City Gent: Now I've asked you to ... (they repeat the routine) Now I've asked you ... (they start again) Shut up! (they stop) Now I've asked you in here to see me this morning because I'm afraid we're going to have to let one of you go. (the pantomime horses heads go up, their ears waggle and their eyes go round) I'm very sorry but the present rationalization of this firm makes it inevitable that we hive one of you off. (mater spurts out of their eyes in a stream) Now you may think that this is very harsh behaviour but let me tell you that our management consultants actually queried the necessity for us to employ- a pantomime horse at all. (the horses register surprise and generally behave ostentatiously) And so the decision has to be made which one of you is to go. Champion... how many years have you been with this firm? (Champion stamps his foot three times) Trigger? (Trigger stamps his front foot twice and rear foot once) I see. Well, it's a difficult decision. But in accordance with our traditional principles of free enterprise and healthy competition I'm going to ask the two of you to fight to the death for it. (one of the hones runs up to him and puts his head by the city gent's ear) No, I'm afraid there's no redundancy scheme.

  (The hones turn and start kicking each other on the shins. After a few blows)

  Voice Over: (German accent) In the hard and unrelenting world of nature the ceaseless struggle for survival continues. (one of the pantomime horses turns tail and runs out) This time one of the pantomime horses concedes defeat and so lives to fight another day. (cut to stock film of sea lions fighting) Here, in a colony of sea lions, we see a huge bull sea lion seeing off an intruding bull who is attempting to intrude on his harem. This pattern of aggressive behaviour is typical of these documentaries. (cut to shot of two almost stationary limpets) Here we see two limpets locked in a life or death struggle for territory. The huge bull limpet, enraged by the rock, endeavours to encircle its sprightly opponent. (shot of wolf standing still) Here we see an ant. This ant is engaged in a life or death struggle with the wolf. You can see the ant creeping up on the wolf on all sixes. (a moving arrow is superimposed) Now he stops to observe. Satisfied that the wolf has not heard him, he approaches nearer. With great skill he chooses his moment and then, quick as a limpet, with one mighty bound (the arrow moves to the wolf's throat; the wolf does not move) buries his fangs in the wolf's neck. The wolf struggles to no avail. A battle of this kind can take anything up to fifteen years because the timber ant has such a tiny mouth. (distant shot of two men fighting violently) Here we see Heinz Sielmann engaged in a life or death struggle with Peter Scott. They are engaged in a bitter punch-up over repeat fees on the overseas sales of their nature documentaries. (another man joins in) Now they have been joined by an enraged Jacques Cousteau. This is typical of the harsh and bitchy world of television features. (shot of honey bear sitting about aimlessly) Here we see a honey bear not engaged in a life or death struggle about anything. These honey bears are placid and peaceful creatures and consequently bad television. (shot of pantomime horse running along in a wood) Here we see a pantomime horse. It is engaged in a life or death struggle for a job with a merchant bank. However, his rival employee, the huge bull pantomime horse, is lying in wait for him. (pantomime horse behind tree drops sixteen-ton weight on the horse running under the tree) Poor pantomime horse. (shot of pantomime goose behind a small tree with a bow and arrow) Here we see a pantomime goose engaged in a life or death struggle with Terence Rattigan. (we see Terrace walking along) The enraged goose fires. (the goose fires and hits Terence in the neck; Terrace looks amazed and dies) Poor Terence. Another victim of this silly film. (shot of an amazing-looking large woman with a crown waiting in the undergrowth by the side of a path) Here we see an enraged pantomime Princess Margaret, she is lying in wait for her breakfast. (a breakfast tray appears being pulled alo
ng the path by a length of wire) The unsuspecting breakfast glides over closer to its doom. The enraged pantomime royal person is poised for the kill. She raises her harpoon and fires. (the pantomime Princess Margaret does so, hurling the harpoon at the moving tray) Pang! Right in the toast. A brief struggle and all is over. Poor breakfast! Another victim of the.... aargh!

  (ANIMATION: which beans by showing the sudden demise of the previous voice over and continues with the story of a carnivorous house.)

  * * *

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  Mary Recruitment Office

  As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 30

  * * *

  The cast:

  VOICE OVER

  John Cleese

  MR. MAN

  Eric Idle

  R.S.M.

  Graham Chapman

  * * *

  The sketch:

  (Pull back to show that 'Mary' is part of a sign saying: 'Mary Recruitment Office'. Pull out to reveal that it is a sign over a shop as for 'army recruiting office. An R.S.M. with waxed moustache and snappy straight-against-the-firehead peaked cap coma out of the shop. He hangs a clearly printed sign on a nail on the door. It reads: 'Sketch just starting - actor wanted'.

  Voice Over: Sketch just starting, actor wanted.

  (The R.S.M. looks up and down the road, glances up at the sign above his shop without noticing it. He goes inside again. A man walks up, reads the sign and enters. He is Mr Man.)

  Mr Man: Good morning.

  R.S.M.: Morning, sir.

  Mr Man: I'd like to join the army please.

  RSM: I see, sir. Short service or long service commission, sir?

  Mr Man: As long as possible please.

  R.S.M.: Right well I'll just take a few particulars and then...

  (Suddenly he looks as though a dim memory has penetrated his skull. He breaks off, looking thoughtful, walks towards the door and exits. He comes out of shop, looks up at word 'Mary' tuts and changes the letters round to read 'Army'. He suddenly looks round and we see a queue of nuns.)

  R.S.M.: Shove off! (he goes back inside) Then there'll be a few forms to sign, and of course we'll need references and then a full medical examination by the ...

  Mr Man: Yes. Yes, yes I see. (diffidently) I was just wondering whether it would be possible for me to join... the women's army?

  R.S.M.: The Women's Royal Army Corps, sir?

  Mr Man: Yes. I was just thinking, you know, if it was possible for me to have my choice ... I'd prefer to be in the Women's Royal Amy Corps.

  R.S.M.: Well, I'm afraid that the people that recruit here normally go straight into the Scots Guards.

  Mr Man: Which is all... men... I suppose?

  R.S.M.: Yes it is.

  Mr Man: Yes. Are there any regiments which are more effeminate than others?

  R.S.M.: Well, no sir. I mean, apart from the Marines, they're all dead butch.

  Mr Man: You see, what I really wanted was a regiment where I could be really quiet and have more time to myself m work with fabrics, and creating new concepts in interior design.

  R.S.M.: Working with fabrics and experimenting with interior design!

  Mr Man: Yes.

  R.S.M.: Oh well you want the Durham Light Infantry then, sir.

  Mr Man: Oh.

  R.S.M.: Oh yes. That's the only regiment that's really doing something new with interior design, with colour, texture, line and that.

  Mr Man: I see.

  R.S.M.: Oh yes, I mean their use of colour with fabrics is fantastic. I saw their pattern book the other day - beautiful, beautiful. Savage tans, great slabs of black, set against aggressive orange. It really makes you want to shout out, this is good! This is real!

  Mr Man: Really?

  R.S.M.: Oh yes. I mean the Inniskillin Fusiliers and the Anglian Regiment are all right if you're interested in the art nouveau William Morris revival bit, but if you really want a regiment of the line that is really saying something about interior decor, then you've got to go for the Durham Light Infantry.

  Mr Man:. Oh, I've had enough of this. I'm handing in my notice.

  R.S.M.: What do you mean?

  Mr Man: Well I 'mean, when I applied for this job I thought I'd get a few decent lines but you end up doing the whole thing. I mean my last five speeches have been 'really, really - I see - I see' and 'really'. I wouldn't give those lines to a dog.

  R.S.M.: All right, all right, all right, sonny. I'll tell you what. We'll do something different. I'll be a bus conductor, and you can be a really funny passenger on a bus.

  * * *

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  Bus Conductor Sketch

  As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 30

  * * *

  The cast:

  MR. MAN

  Eric Idle

  R.S.M.

  Graham Chapman

  * * *

  The sketch:

  (Sketch continues on from 'Mary Recruitment Office' Cut to a bus set. There is a very bad backcloth of the interior of the top deck of a bus. It looks like the set for a rather tatty revue. On the cut Mr Man is standing in exactly the same place as he was - so that it looks as if the scene has changed around him. The RSM appears from one side. He is still dressed basically as an RSM but has a few bus conductor , things such as a ticket machine, money satchel and a big arrow through his neck. He talks like a music-hall comedian.)

  RSM: Any more fires please? I've got a chauffeur and every time I go to the lavatory he drives me potty! Boom-boom! One in a row (sings) I'm not unusual. I'm just...

  Mr Man: Fivepenny please.

  RSM: Five beautiful pennies going in to the bag... and you are the lucky · winner of... one fivepenny ticket! (hands him a ticket) What's the Welshman doing under the bed? He's having a leak! Oh they're all in here tonight. (brief film dip of audience laughing)

  Mr Man: Look!

  RSM: I am looking - it's the only way I keep my eyelids apart! Boom-boom! Every one a Maserati!

  Mr Man: Look! You said I was going to be a funny passenger.

  RSM: (snapping out of music-hall manner) What do you mean?

  Mr Man: I mean, all I said was, fivepenny please, You can't call that a funny line.

  RSM: Well it's the way you said it.

  Mr Man: No it isn't. Nobody can say 'fivepenny please' and make it funny.

  (Cut to vox pop of city gent in a busy street.)

  * * *

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  The man who makes people laugh uncontrollably

  As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 30

  * * *

  The cast:

  CITY GENT

  Terry Jones

  BOSS

  Michael Palin

  * * *

  The sketch:

  (Cut to vox pop of city gent in a busy street.)

  City Gent: Fivepenny please.

  (Cut to stock film of audience rolling about with laughter and clapping. Cut back to vox pop. of city gent in street. He looks rather bewildered. He shrugs, turns and as he starts to walk away the camera pulls out. We see the city gent pass two colleagues.)

  City Gent: Morning.

  (They collapse laughing and roll about on the pavement. The city gent hurries on, and turns into the door of a big office block. Cut to the foyer. A hall porter is standing behind a counter.)

  City Gent: Not so warm today, George.

  A shriek of mirth from the porter who collapses behind the counter. The city gent continues walking into the lift. There are two other dry gents and one secretary already in the lift. The doors shut.)

  Man's Voice: Good morning.

  Secretary's Voice: Good morning.

  City Gents: Voice Good morning.

  (Shrieks of laughter. Cut to the doors of the lift on the third floor. Lift doors open and the city gent steps out rather quickly looking embarrassed. Behind him he leaves the three collapsed with mirth on the floor. The lif
t doors shut and the lift goes down again. Cut to interior of boss's office. A knock on the door. The boss is standing with his back to the door desperately preparing himself to keep a straight face.)

  Boss: Come in, Mr Horton.

  (The city gent enters.)

  City Gent: Morning, sir.

  Boss: Do - do sit down. (he indicates chair, trying not to look at the city gent)

  City Gent: Thank you, sir.

  (The boss starts to snigger but suppresses it with feat of self-control.)

  Boss: Now then Horton, you've been with us for twenty years, and your work in the accounts department has been immaculate (the city gent starts to speak; the boss suppresses another burst of laughter) No no - please don't say anything. As I say, your work has been beyond reproach, but unfortunately the effect you have on your colleagues has undermined the competence (almost starts laughing) ... has undermined the competence of this firm to such a point that I'm afraid that I've got no option but to sack you.

  City Gent: (in a broken voice) I'm sorry to hear that, sir. (the boss giggles, gets up hastily and turning his back on city gent leans against the mantelpiece; his desire to laugh mounts through the next speech) It couldn't have come at a worse time. There's school fees for the two boys coming up, and the wife's treatment costing more now ... I don't know where the money's coming from as it is. And now I don't see any future ... I'd been hoping I'd be able to hang on here just for the last couple of years but... now ... I just want to go out and end it all.

  (The boss cannot control himself any longer. He collapses in helpless mirth, falling all over the room· Immediately we cut to stock film of terrific audience laughter.)