Monty Python's Flying Circus: The Sketches
Page 93
Commander: Hello?
Voice: This is Captain Carpenter sir, from FEAR.
Commander: You mean FEEBLE?
Voice: Yes, sir ...
Commander: What is it?
Voice: Mr Neutron is missing, sir!
(Continued...)
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Mr. Neutron is missing!
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 44
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The cast:
COMMANDER
Michael Palin
CAPTAIN CARPENTER
Eric Idle
MRS. SMAILES
Eric Idle
MR. NEUTRON
Graham Chapman
LUMBERJACK
Graham Chapman
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The sketch:
(Sketch continues from 'Mr Neutron')
Commander: Mr Neutron! Oh my God! OK - Surround the entire city! Send in four waves of armed paratroopers with full ground-to-air missile support! Alert all air bases! Destroy all roads! We'll bomb the town fiat if we have to!
Carpenter: Sir! Sir! He's not in Washington, sir.
Commander: OK! Hold everything! Hold everything! Hold it! Lay off! Lay off... Where is he?
Carpenter: We don't know, sir ... all we know is he checked out of his hotel and took a bus to the airport.
Commander: All right! I want a full-scale Red Alert throughout the world! Surround everyone with everything we've got! Mobilize every fighting unit and every weapon we can lay our hands on! I want... I want three full-scale global nuclear alerts with every army, navy and air force unit on eternal standby!
Carpenter: Right, sir!
Commander: And introduce conscription!
Carpenter: Yes, sir!
Commander: Right!
(He slams the intercom button down and sits there. Silence again. His eyes look from side to side then slowly he goes back to smelling himself.)
Voice Over: So the world was in the grip of FEAR! A huge and terrifying crisis generated by one man! (zoom into Neutron in his front garden, weeding; behind him the group of GPO people are sitting opening another box fifty yards further down From the first one, a line of recently opened boxes stretches up the road)... easily the most dangerous man the world has ever seen, honestly. Though still biding his time, he could strike at any moment. Could he be stopped in time?
(A lady stops and chats to him.)
Mrs Smailes: You've got a bit of work to do there, then.
Mr Neutron: Yes, it is a problem.
Mrs Smailes: Mrs Ottershaw never used to bother ... then of course she was very old... she was 206! Well, must be going... if you need any help I'll send Frank round. He could do with a bit of'exercise, ha! ha! ha! ha! ... Fat old bastard...
(She walks off. Neutron goes back to his weeding. Cut back to the supreme commander's office. He is sniffing himself again., only this time he has his whole shirt front pulled up and he is trying to smell under his shirt. The intercom goes. He quickly tucks his shin in and depresses the switch.)
Commander: Yes?
Carpenter: Captain Carpenter here, sir. We've been on red alert now for three days, sir, and still no sign of Mr Neutron.
Commander: Have we bombed anywhere? Have we shown 'era we got teeth? Carpenter: Oh yes, sir. We've bombed a lot of places fiat, sir.
Commander: Good. Good. We don't want anyone to think we're chicken.
Carpenter: Oh no! They don't think that, sir. Everyone's really scared of us, sir.
Commander: Of us?
Carpenter: Yes, sir.
Commander: (pleased) Of our power?
Carpenter: Oh yes, sir! They're really scared when they see those big planes come over.
Commander: Wow! I bet they are. I bet they are. I bet they're really scared.
Carpenter: Oh they are, sir.
Commander: Do we have any figures on how scared they are?
Carpenter: No ... no figures, sir. But they sure were scared.
Commander: Ah! But it's not working?
Carpenter: No, sir.
Commander: OK. We'll try another tactic. We'll try and out-smart this Neutron guy. Yes, there's one man who could nail him.
Carpenter: One guy? That won't frighten anyone, sir.
Commander: Hc's the most brilliant man I ever met. We were in the CIA together. He's retired now. He breeds rabbits up in the Yukon... '
Carpenter: What's his name, sir?
Commander: His name is Teddy Salad.
Carpenter: Salad as in... ?
Commander: Lettuces, cucumber, radishes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Carpenter: Where do I find him, sir?
Commander: The Yukon. Oh, and Carpenter ...
Carpenter: Yes, sir?
Commander: Make sure you get a decent disguise.
(Cut to the Yukon. Carpenter is trekking along. He is in ballet tights and heavy make-up with a big knapsack with 'Nothing to do with FEEBLE' on the back. He comes across a log cabin in the middle of nowhere. He presses the doorbell. A rather twee little chime. The door is opened by a huge lumberjack.)
Carpenter: Oh, hello. My name's Carpenter. I'm from the US Government.
Lumberjack: (OaXH~M) Are you from the army?
Carpenter: Er... no... I'm... er... I'm:.. I'm from the ballet. The US Government Ballet.
(The lumberjack's eyes light up.)
Lumberjack: The ballet! The ballet's coming here?
Carpenter: Well maybe...
Lumberjack: Oh, that's Feat! We love the ballet. Last year some of us from Yellow River got a party to go see the ballet in Montreal. Dimly we can see behind the lumberjack a bevy of beautiful boys of all nations.
Carpenter: Look, I was wondering...
Lumberjack: Oh, we had a marvellous time. It was Margot Fonteyn dancing 'Les Sylphides'... oh, it was so beautiful...
Carpenter: Do you know...
Lumberjack: Do you know how old she is?
Carpenter: Who?
Lumberjack: Margot Fonteyn.
Carpenter:'No.
Lumberjack: She's 206!
Carpenter: Look, I hear there's a US ballet organizer round these parts by the name of Teddy Salad.
Lumberjack: You mean the special agent?
Carpenter: Well...
Lumberjack: He's an eX-CIA man. He's not a ballet dancer.
(Laughter from the boys in the hut.)
Carpenter: Well, I just want to see him on some ballet business...
Lumberjack: Well, you could try the store...
Carpenter: Oh, thank you. (he turns to go)
Lumberjack: Hey! Can you get us Lionel Blair's autograph?
(Carpenter walks away.)
Voice Over: While precious time was being lost in Canada, the seconds were ticking away for the free world...
(Jarring chord Cut to Neutron's house. He is hanging flowery print wallpaper in his sitting room. Helping him is the quite enormously vast Frank Smailes who stands rather helplessly looking up at Neutron who is on a plank between two ladders.)
Voice Over: Already Neutron - who, you will remember, is infinitely the most dangerous man in the world, he really is - was gathering allies together.
Mr Neutron: Try having an omelette for your evening meal... perhaps with yoghurt and grapefruit.
Mr Smailes: Oh, I've tried that ... I once got down to fifty-six stone. But I couldn't 'stay like that. I used to take potatoes wherever I went. I used to go to the cinema with three hundredweight of King Edwards, I'd eat 'em all before I got out of the toilet. I had to go on to bread.
Mr Neutron: What about salad?
Mr Smailes: Teddy Salad?
Mr Neutron: No, no, no - salad - as in lettuces, radishes, cucumber...
(Continued...)
* * *
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Teddy Salad (CIA Agent)
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 44
* * *
The cast:
CAPTAIN CARPENTER
Eric Idle
ITALIAN
Michael Palin
FIRST ESKIMO
Graham Chapman
SECOND ESKIMO
Terry Jones
ITALIAN CHAIRMAN
Eric Idle
TRAPPER
Terry Jones
VOICE OVER
Michael Palin
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The sketch:
(Sketch continues from 'Mr Neutron is missing'.....Cut to Carpenter in a log cabin trading post with trestle tables. Six Eskimos are sitting in a group at one end of the other tables. An Italian chef in a long white apron and greasy shirt, is standing over Carpenter.
Carpenter sits at one table with a huge fresh salad in front of him.)
Italian: You don't like it?
Carpenter: No, I didn't want to eat a salad. I wanted to find out about a man called Salad.
Italian: You're the first person to order a salad for two years. All the Eskimos eat here is fish, fish ...
First Eskimo: (very British accent) We're not Eskimos.
Second Eskimo: Where's our fish. We've finished our fish.
Italian: What fish you want today, uh?
First Eskimo: Bream please.
Italian: Bream! Where do I get a bream this time of year? You bloody choosy Eskimo pests.
First Eskimo: We are not Eskimos!
Italian: Why don't you like a nice plate of canelloni?
Eskimos: Eurrrrghhh!
First Eskimo: That's not fish.
Italian: (as he turns to go in kitchen) I've had my lot of the Arctic Circle. I wish I was back in Oldham ...
(Carpenter crosses to the Eskimos.)
Carpenter: (speaking slowly, and clearly as for foreigners) Do any of you Eskimos ... speak ... English?
First Eskimo: We're not Eskimos!
Third Eskimo: I am.
Others: Sh!
Italian: (off) Haddock!
Eskimos: Where?
Carpenter: (still speaking as if to foreigners) Do any of... you ... know... a man ... caned ... Salad?
First Eskimo: What, Salad as in...
Carpenter: Lettuce, cucumbers, tomatoes ... yes.
First Eskimo: Like you have on your plate?
Carpenter: Yes. That's right.
First Eskimo: No, I'm afraid not.
Second Eskimo: Where's our fish?
First Eskimo: What does this Teddy Salad do?
Carpenter: He's a... er... hen-teaser.
(Quick cut to the chairman of Fiat in his office.)
Chairman: Che cosa è la stucciacatori di polli?
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'WHAT lS A HEN-TEASER?'
(Cut back to the cabin.)
First Eskimo: No, the only Teddy Salad we know is a CIA man.
Carpenter: Oh, he might know.
Eskimos: (chanting) Gunga gunga, where's our fish?
Carpenter: Where will I find him?
Second Eskimo: Oh, he lives up at Kipper Sound.
Carpenter: Thanks a lot.
Eskimos: Fishy fishy iyoooiyooo.
First Eskimo: Are you in international spying, too?
Carpenter: No... no... I'm with the... US Ballet... force... who are you with?
First Eskimo: (leans forward confidentially) MI6. But not a word to the Eskimos.
Eskimos: Fishy fishy igooo.
(The Italian chef appears.)
Italian: Here's your bloody fish.
First Eskimo: Thank you, Anouk.
Italian: I'm not an Eskimo!
(Cut to Arctic wastes - ice and snow and bitter blasting winds. Carpenter - his little tadger tiny as a tapir's tits - struggles on. He stops and peers ahead He sees a trapper figure with a sledge pulled by four huskies. Carpenter hurries on and catches him up.)
Carpenter: Hey! Hey!
(The man stops. On his sledge are supplies including two ladies in bikinis, deep-frozen and wrapped in cellophane bags.)
Carpenter: Hi! I'm Carpenter of the US Ballet.
Trapper: Hey, great to have you around. The last decent ballet we got around here was Ballet Ramben..On Thursday they did 'Petrouchka', then on Saturday they did 'Fille Mal Gardée'. I thought it was a bit slow...
Carpenter: (stopping him short) It sure is nice to see you, Mr Salad.
Trapper: I ain't Salad.
Carpenter: What?
Trapper: You want Teddy Salad?
Carpenter: Yeah ... (the man looks around rather furtively, to see if anyone is watching, then takes Carpenter's arm and indicates the dog team) I don't see anyone.
Trapper: The one on the end, on the right. That's Salad.
Carpenter: That's a dog!
Trapper: (confidentially) No only bits of it.
Carpenter: What do you mean?
Trapper: Listen, Teddy Salad is the most brilliant agent the CIA ever had, right?
Carpenter: Right.
Trapper: That's how he made his name (indicates the dog) - disguise!
(They look at the dog in silence for a moment.)
Carpenter: That's incredible!
Trapper: He had to slim down to one and a half pounds to get into that costume. He cut eighteen inches off each arm and over three feet off each leg. The most brilliant surgeon in Europe stuck that tail on.
Carpenter: What about the head?
Trapper: All of the head was removed apart from the eyes and the brain in order to fit into the costume.
Carpenter: That's incredible!
Trapper: D'you want to talk to him?
Carpenter: Yeah, sure.
Trapper: (looking around him again) OK, let's move over to those trees over there... anyone might be watching.
(They pull over to a lone deciduous tree in the middle of the empty tundra wastes. They pull in. The man goes round to the dog and kneels down beside it.)
Trapper: (softly) Mr Salad? ... There's Mr Carpenter to see you.
Carpenter: What does he say?
Trapper: (to Carpenter) Do you have a bone? (Carpenter feels rather helplessly in his pockets) It's all part of the disguise (he produces a bone, which he gives to the dog) OK, Teddy... here's the bone. (the dog tucks into the bone) All right, you've got his trust, now, you can talk to him.
Carpenter: (kneeling rather awkwardly down beside the dog, and speaking confidentially) Sir ... sir ... Mr Salad ... sir, I've come direct from the Commander of Land, Sea and Air Forces ... There's a pretty dangerous situation, sir. Mr Neutron... is missing. (he looks significantly at the dog, but the dog doesn't react) The General says you're the only one who'll know where to find him ... What's he say?
Trapper: He wants to go walkies.
Carpenter: Walkies?
Trapper: Yeah, he's right into it today - d'you mind taking him for walkies?
(He gives the dog to Carpenter on a lead. Carpenter hesitates and then walks off with the dog, bending down occasionally and explaining the situation.)
Voice Over: While Carpenter took the most brilliant agent the CIA ever had for walkies, events in the world's capitals were moving fast!
(Continued...)
* * *
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Mr. Neutron is still missing!
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 44
* * *
The cast:
VOICE OVER
Michael Palin
PRIME MINISTER
Eric Idle
SECRETARY OF STATE
Michael Palin
GIUSEPPE
Terry Jones
TRAPPER
Terry Jones
CAPTAIN CARPENTER
Eric Idle
DOG
Michael Palin's Voice
* * *
The sketch:
(Sketch continues from 'Teddy Salad (CIA Agent)'......Cut to a picture of the outside of l0 Downing Street. Zoom in on the door. Music: 'Rule Britannia' type theme. Cut to interior - a few circular tables, d
im lighting. The decor of a rather exclusive restaurant. Subdued murmur of upper-class people stuffing their faces. A gypsy violinist is going from table to table playing and singing. In the middle of all this there is the prime minister at a big leather-topped desk, covered with official papers, three telephones, an intercom, tape recorder, a photo of Eisenhower with a very small bunch of flowers in front of it in a sort of self-contained shrine, an in/out tray, blotter, etc. The intercom buzzes.
Voice: The Secretary of State to see you, Prime Minister.
Prime Minister: Very well, show him in.
(The prime minister switches off. The secretary of state enters, wending his way through the tables. He sits at the desk. He is in a rather agitated condition.)
Secretary of State: Prime Minister.
Prime Minister: Do take a seat.
(He takes a seat from the next table; the lady sitting on it falls to the floor.)
Secretary of State: Prime Minister, we've just had the Supreme Commander US Forces on the phone. Apparently they want a full-scale Red Alert!
Prime Minister: They what?
(The gypsy violinist has come round to the desk. He is playing a sad, slow melody and smiling encouragingly at them. They glance at him. He flashes a white smile. The secretary of state drops his voice and huddles closer to the prime minister.)
Secretary of State: They want a full-scale Red Alert - every troop movement...
(As the secretary leans forward so does the gypsy, musing the secretary to break off in mid-sentence.)
Prime Minister: It's all right - don't worry about Giuseppe... (the secretary looks at the gypsy who smiles again toothily) He's English really.