Monty Python's Flying Circus: The Sketches
Page 94
Secretary of State: Well apparently the whole structure of world peace may be threatened unless we immediately...
Giuseppe: (heavy accent, leaning forwards) Your anniversary, signore?
Prime Minister: No, no, Giuseppe - not now.
Giuseppe: (indicating the secretary of state) You mean zis isn't ze lady?
Prime Minister: No.
Giuseppe: Oh, signora ... my mistake! I play for you 'My Mistake'. (before the prime minister can stop him he goes into a strident Italian song) 'My mistake, I have made my mistake! What a dreadful mistake! Is this mistake that I make!' (strums violently and starts on the second verse) 'Oh my mistake...'
Prime Minister: Giuseppe, do you mind playing over there.
Giuseppe: (flashing a winning smile) Very well, signor. But I play only for you... and your beautiful companion.
(He moves off mysteriously, singing the mistake song.)
Secretary of State: Well anyway, this Mr Neutron, is located somewhere in the London area. We must find and exterminate him. The Americans say if we don't, they will.
Prime Minister: (straining to hear over noise of singing) What?
Secretary of State: The Americans say if we won't they will!
Prime Minister: That he doesn't know what?
Secretary of State: They'll bomb the entire London area.
Prime Minister: (getting up) We'd better get out of here!... (he grabs the photo of Eisenhower)
Secretary of State: They won't bomb here.
Prime Minister: Are you sure?
Secretary of State: Sure.
Prime Minister: (sitting down with great relief) Right. When are they going to start?
Secretary of State: Well apparently they haven't got Neutron yet... but when they do...
(The diners have by this time joined a conga led by the gypsy violinist playing 'My Mistake'. Awfully heartily they dance past the prime minister's desk.
Cut to Arctic wastes. The wind howls. The trapper is sitting beside a fire, picking his nose thoughtfully and tending a stew pan. The dog bounds back, Carpenter on the end of his lead, breathless from trying to keep up.)
Trapper: Well. Did he tell you anything?
Carpenter: (worn out by the walk) No ... we chased sticks ... we chased a few reindeer...
Trapper: (patting the dog) You been chasing reindeer, have you? You're a naughty boy... yes... ain't you a naughty boy...
Carpenter: Look, we haven't got much time .. · He hasn't given me any information yet...
Trapper: OK. Tell you what, let's eat. You give him one of your meatballs, he'll tell you anything.. · OK?
Carpenter: OK.
(Suddenly the dog woofs, gets up on back legs and starts pawing the trapper.)
Trapper: Wait a minute - he's trying to tell us something.
(A strangled, strained American voice comes from within the dog. Slightly muffled perhaps.)
Dog: Carpenter ... er ... ugh ... ah...Carpenter...
Carpenter: (kneeling down and peering into the dog's face) Yes, Mr Salad? Can you hear me?
Dog: Yes... yes... it's just it's so goddam painful in here... what's the problem?
Carpenter: It's Mr Neutron, sir ... he's gone missing. The Supreme Commander wants you to take charge.
Dog: I ... oh God ... I ... I ... I...
Carpenter: Yes, Mr Salad?
Dog: I gotta go walkies again.
(Cut to the office of the supreme commander. He is now nude behind his desk. A kidney bowl full of water is on desk; he is dabbing at himself with a sponge. The intercom buzzes. He switches it on.)
Voice: Still no sign of Captain Carpenter, sir... or Mr Neutron.
Commander: OK. We'll bomb Neutron out. Get me Moscow! Peking! and Shanldin, Isle of Wight
(Cut to stock film of B52s on a bombing raid.)
Voice Over: And so the Great Powers and the people of Shahkiln, Isle of Wight, drew their net in ever-tightening circles around the most dangerous threat to peace the world has ever faced. They bombed Cairo, Bangkok, Cape Town, Buenos Aires, Harrow, Hammersmith, Stephey, Wandsworth and Enfield... But always it was the wrong place.
(Cut to an area of smoking rubble. A van with the words 'US Air Force' on the side trundles through the rubble. It has a loudspeaker on the top of it.)
Loudspeaker: Sorry Enfield!... We apologize for any inconvenience caused by our bombing... sorry...
Voice Over: But what of Mr Neutron, the most fearfully dangerous man in the world! The man who could destroy entire galaxies with his wrist, the man who could tear fruit machines apart with his eyeballs... He had not been idle!
(Continued...)
* * *
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Mr. Neutron is found
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 44
* * *
The cast:
VOICE OVER
Michael Palin
MRS. SCUM
Terry Jones
MR. NEUTRON
Graham Chapman
TRAPPER
Terry Jones
CAPTAIN CARPENTER
Eric Idle
DPG
Michael Palin's Voice
COMMANDER
Michael Palin
G.P.O. OFFICIAL
Micahel Palin
MAN
Eric Idle
* * *
The sketch:
(Sketch continues from 'Mr Neutron is still missing'.......... Meantime we have mixed through to Neutron's suburban sitting room. He is standing in the doorway gazing at something off camera. He holds an envelope which he has just opened and a letter.)
Voice Over: In fact he had fallen in love... with the lady who 'does' for Mrs Entrail...
(The camera pans across to a slovenly char in paisley apron, furry slippers and head scarf Throughout this scene we hear the sound of bombers and the distant mulled sound of explosions.)
Mrs Scum: Oh 'ello Mr N, terrible about Enfield, innit? It's all gone. So's Staines ... lovely shops they used to have in Staines... and Stunmore, where the AA offices used to be. I don't know where we'll pay our AA subscriptions to now. Do you know where we'll have to pay our AA. subscriptions to now, Mr N?
Mr Neutron: 1 didn't know you were a member of the AA Mrs S .C.U.M.
Mrs Scum: Oh yes. Ever since the Corsair broke down in Leyonstone ... they towed it all the way to Deauville FOC. (Mr Neutron looks blank) Free of Charge. Well my husband Ken, K.E.N., he said...
Mr Neutron: Oh, forget about your husband, Mrs S.C.U.M. - or may I call you Mrs S?
Mrs Scum: You can call me Linda, if you like.
Mr Neutron: No, I'd rather call you Mrs S.
Mrs Scum: Oh...
Mr Neutron: (as if trying to soften the blow) And you can call me Mr N.
Mrs Scum: Well... that's what I was calling you.
Mr Neutron: Mrs S, there is something I have to tell you...
Mrs Scum: Yes, Mr N?
Mr Neutron: I have just won a Kellogg's Corn Flake Competition.
Mrs Scum: Oh Mr N! That's wonderful!
Mr Neutron: I got the ball in exactly the right place· The prize is £5,000 in cash, or as much ice cream as you can eat.
(Her eyes go round as saucers and all thoughts of returning to her marital bed vanish under the impact of such imminent wealth.)
Mrs Scum: £5,000!
Mr Neutron: I was thinking of taking the ice cream.
Mrs Scum: (alarmed) Oh no!
Mr Neutron: It's been so hot recently.
Mrs Scum: You couldn't eat that much ice cream Mr N.
Mr Neutron: Mrs S, I can eat enormous quantifies of ice cream without being sick.
Mrs Scum: Oh no! Take the £5,000! Please take the £5,000.
Mr Neutron: I was thinking. If we got married...
Mrs Scum: Oh yes! (she sits very close to him)
Mr Neutron: We could use the £5,000 to buy a spoon...
Mrs Scum: Oh! We could buy a lot mor
e than that!
Mr Neutron: And then fill up with ice cream.
Mrs Scum: Not Forget about the ice cream. We need the money.
Mr Neutron: We need nothing. For there is something I have not told you Mrs S.C.U.M.
Mrs Scum: Oh please call me Mrs S.
Mr Neutron: No I would rather go back to calling you Mrs S.C.U.M., Mrs S.C.U.M. I am the most powerful man in the universe. There is nothing I cannot do.
Mrs Scum: Oh Mr N.
Mr Neutron: I want you to be my helpmate. As Tarzan had his Jane, as Napoleon had his Josephine, as Frankie Laine had whoever he had, I want you to help me in my plan to dominate the world!
Mrs Scum: Oh Mr N. That I should be so lucky!
Mr Neutron: You're not Jewish are you?
(Cut back to the Yukon. The trapper, Captain Carpenter and the dog are still sitting round the dying campfire aver the remains of supper. They are all looking a little bit bored. The dog has obviously been telling long reminiscences.)
Dog: Another time when I was in Cairo, I was disguised as a water hydrant. The whole top part of my head had been removed and...
Carpenter: Please, Mr Salad .... you must tell us where Neutron is.
Dog: And I functioned! D'you hear? I really worked. I could put out a fire.
Carpenter: Please, Mr Salad...
Dog: Mind you, it hurt a bit...
Carpenter: Please, Mr Salad - there isn't much time. Where will we find Neutron?
Dog: OK. Give me another meatball and I'll tell you.
(Carpenter grabs a meatball and throws it down for the dog. The dog wolfs it. Carpenter and Trapper exchange glances. Carpenter bends nearer the dog. The dog finishes the meatball with much slurping. Carpenter crouches beside him patiently.)
Dog: OK listen carefully... I won't repeat this. You understand?
Carpenter: Yes yes - quick.
Dog: I know where Neutron is fight now. I know the exact address and the exact house and the exact road...
Carpenter: OK where is he?
Dog: He's not in America...
Carpenter: No?
Dog: He's not in... Asia!
Carpenter: No?
Dog: He's not in.., Australia!
Carpenter: No?
Dog:. He's in... Europe!
Carpenter: Yeah?
Dog: And you wanna know where in Europe?
Carpenter: Yeah!
Dog: OK. OK, I'll tell you. He's in England... In London... at Number 19...
(A sudden explosion completely engulfs them. Cut to the supreme commander's office. He is still nude and has an enormous display of talcs and powders on his desk. He is talking to the intercom.)
Commander: OK. That's the Yukon - what's left?
Voice Only: Ruislip, the Gobi Desert, and your office, sir.
Commander: OK! Let's start with my office. (a big explosion)
(Cut to the Gobi Desert. Sweltering heat. We come onto a group opening a GPO box. There is a line of boxes stretching into the distance as far as the eye can see. Arabic is being spoken by the GPO official.)
GPO Official: Ankwat i odr inkerat Gobi Desert Ulverston Road...
SUBTITLE: 'THIS NEW BOX COMPLETES THE ENCIRCLEMENT OF THE GOBI DESERT'
GPO Official: Ik artwar, hyaddin... (etc.)
SUBTITLE; 'THE POST OFFICE IS NOW IN A POSITION TO ACHIEVE COMPLETE WORLD DOMINATION'
(A terrific explosion. Cut to Neutron and Mrs Scum.)
Mr Neutron: I will take you away from all this Mrs S.C.U.M.
Mrs Scum: Oh, Mr N... I'd follow you anywhere.
Mr Neutron: We will have two weeks in Benidorm.
Mrs Scum: Oh yes ... yes.
Mr Neutron: And I will make you the most beautiful woman in the world.
(He stretches out his hands towards her. His piercing eyes narrow in concentration. There is a flash, a jump cut, and Mrs S stands before him as dumpy and unattractive as ever, but in a brand new C & A twin set and pearls, a nice new handbag, and a rather fussy hat.)
Mrs Scum: Oh... it's beautiful... oh, Mr N, you have made my heart sing... (quick cut to stock film of bomber then back to Mrs Scum) Late in life's pageant it may be ... but you have made roses bloom anew for me... (quick flash of bomber then back to Mrs Scum) Life's rich harvest is being...
Mr Neutron: Shut up, Mrs S. We must hurry...
(He takes her hand and pulls her away.)
Mrs Scum: I'd better leave a note for Ken... he'll be expecting us...
(explosion)
(ANIMATION: the world destroyed and burning.)
Voice Over: Has Mr Neutron escaped in time? Is the world utterly destroyed? How can Mr Neutron and his child bride survive? Will his mighty powers be of any avail against the holocaust? Stay tuned to this channel.
(Cut to a man in a grey suit in a studio.)
Man: Hello. Well in fact what happens is that they are saved by Mr Neutron's mighty powers just as the last bomb falls on Ruislip.
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'A MAN FROM THE "RADIO TIMES"'
Man: However, the Earth has been blown off its axis, and in a most dramatic and dangerous and expensive sequence, it spins off into space. There are appallingly expensive scenes of devastation and horror and the find incredibly expensive climax is reached as thousands of ape monsters in very expensive costumes descend from the sky onto these, plug up a whole city which has to be specially built and fling them all into the sea very expensively. And we can see those very expensive scenes fight now. (the credits staff on his TV set) Just after the credits have gone through... incidentally, these are going to be the most expensive and lavish scenes ever filmed by the BBC in conjunction with Time-Life of course ... these are some of the technical people who have been involved in filming these very expensive scenes, expensive sound, expensive visual effects there, expensive production assistant, expensive designer... cheap director. Well you can see those expensive scenes fight now.
CAPTION: 'THE END'
* * *
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'Conjuring Today'
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 44
* * *
The cast:
CONJURER
Michael Palin
MAN
Eric Idle
VOICE OVER
Eric Idle
* * *
The sketch:
CAPTION: 'CONJURING TODAY'
(Fade up on a conjurer with a fright wig and ping-pong eyes. He holds a bloodstained saw.)
Conjurer: Good evening, last week we learned how to saw a lady in half. This week we're going to learn how to saw a lady into three bits and dispose of the body...
(Two policemen chase him off the set. They run past the man from the previous announcement who is on the phone. On his TV set we see the policemen pursuing the conjurer.)
Man: Look if you can put on rubbish like that, and 'Horse of the Year Show', you can afford us another minute, Mr Cotion, please, I mean look at this load of old... (fades out)
(Fade up on the entrance to TV Centre. The man walks out.)
Voice Over: World Domination T-shirts are available from BBC, World Domination Department, Cardiff.
(A man hits him on the head with an absolutely enormous hammer. He falls, stunned Fade out.)
* * *
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The Most Awful Family in Britain
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 45
* * *
The cast:
RADIO VOICE
Eric Idle
MR. GARIBALDI
Terry Jones
MRS. GARIBALDI
Eric Idle
RALPH GARIBALDI
Michael Palin
VALERIE GARIBALDI
Graham Chapman
KEVIN GARIBALDI
Terry Gillam
PRESENTER
MIchael Palin
PROFESSOR
Eric Idle
LADY ORGANS
Terry Jones
FIRST PERSON
Eric Idle
SECOND PERSON
Michael Palin
THIRD PERSON
Graham Chapman
FOURTH PERSON
Terry Jones
MOTHER
Eric Idle
DAD
Terry Jones
SON
Terry Gilliam
* * *
The sketch:
(Cut to a kitchen. Mr Garibaldi is eating a packet of 'Ano-Weet'. On the back of the packet in big letters it reads 'Free Inside - The Pope '+ Demonstration Record'. Kevin Garibaldi is stretched out the whole length of the sofa, eating a huge plate of baked beans. His father occasionally flaps the copy of the paper he is reading at him to clear the air. The paper is called 'The Scum' and has a pin-up on the front page with big headline 'What a Searcher! Phew! Can Resist this Miss'; at the bottom of the page in small print 'China Declares War'. The banner across top reads 'In the Scum Today "Tits and Inflation" '. Ralph Garibaldi is sitting at the table eating. At one point he stretches across the table, and his arm sticks in the butter. He tries to clean it off and knocks the sugar over. There is a large photo of lan Smith on the wall; built around it is a plaster shrine, with flowers in front of it. Mrs Garibaldi is ironing. She irons some underclothes, then she irons a transistor radio. Dotted about the room are a flat telephone, a flat standard lamp, and a flat cat. Valerie Garibaldi is wearing a shiny red miniskirt. She has bright yellow 'beehive' hair so stiffly lacquered that it is quite a hazard to various ornaments on the mantelpiece. She is continuously making herself up in the mantelpiece mirror which is shaped like a lavatory. The other member of the family is a very fat old dog. As we see all this, the football commentary is droning throughout on the radio.)