Ben: … I’m so sorry.
Olivia: I can’t believe you anymore.
About anything… There’s no way I could.
I actually felt like I was losing a friend. How sick is that?
I told myself I’d leave Avery out of this one. She didn’t need to know what he said.
I could hear her finally soaping up to the side of me, probably washing her hair.
I couldn’t even imagine what she was going through inside and it scared me to try, made me worry so much more. I tried to tell myself to be good and calm down for her. It was hard though. Too hard.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Avery
One thought keeps hitting me. I should feel more traumatized. Ben had violated me. Even if he hadn’t gone all the way, I know he would have. I can’t say that I really trusted him to start with but the ease with which he transitioned from denying my accusations to trying to rape me was jarring.
It was a weird word, rape. Like a coin dropped in water. When you said it or thought it everything around the word was hit with waves of disturbance. Even if it meant something else it would be a harsh word.
Olivia waited while I finished cleaning up. I just wanted this to be gone, over with. It would be better if it could be erased. We were alone in another hotel room but it didn’t feel the same. I knew the truth of everything Olivia was trying to tell me.
We both repeated these themes with each other but every time somehow she got me to reveal a little more of myself. She already knew more than anyone else in the world, even my best friend. I thought of Holland now and how I would have to call her and tell her everything. She would be able to help me figure it out.
I reached down and pulled the drain. Before I could even stand up, Olivia was handing me a towel.
“Thanks,” I said.
I started to dry myself, aware that she was doing everything she could not to look at me. It wasn’t my body I was afraid for her to see though. My mind was the part I wasn’t sure about. I watched her not watching me but I knew she was listening to the little sounds made by my efforts.
I finished by drying my hair and then dropped the towel around my body, closing it at the front.
“Here,” she said, finally facing me. In her hands was a guest robe that must have been hanging in the bathroom when we came in but I didn’t remember it. I was happy not to have to put my clothes back on right now.
I dropped the towel, watching her face change. She smiled unexpectedly, a flash of anger as she looked up toward the ceiling and shook her head at me bothered. No matter her feelings she held the robe open for me and I pulled my arms inside. I was playing with her a little.
“Nice,” she said, turning away from me and walking back out to the room.
I followed, a small smile shining through the grim. There were two beds in two separate rooms and I chose the far one. Olivia went to sit on the other bed. I could see her through the opening in the door. I just watched her for a second before I pulled the covers down and slipped inside.
“You don’t have to stay over there.” I scooted to the far side of the bed and opened the covers in invitation. I really had no idea what I was doing but it felt right.
“Are you just being nice because you think I saved you?” She called, her eyes not looking at mine.
I didn’t blink, didn’t move, and just kept my arm up, holding the comforter. “No, I’m not just nice like that, remember? I wouldn’t ask you if I didn’t mean it.”
Olivia looked at the ground for a second then back up at me, her eyes catching mine. I wasn’t sure what she was thinking. But then she stripped her blazer off, wiggled out of her pants, and threw her tank off, switching off the light as she came over climbed in with me without a fight.
As soon as she got in the bed I let the comforter fall onto her body. We were next to each other but she kept some distance between us and I chewed on my lip, trying to decide if it would be okay to be close to her after I’d practically told her I couldn’t be with her.
“Can I touch you?” I asked. If she said no I would understand but if she said yes I wasn’t sure if it was right to take her up on it. I just wanted to feel her.
She let out a sigh and reached her hand back until it held mine. All of a sudden I felt my body pulled to meet hers. Her arm was flush to mine as she held it against the front of her body drawing me near.
“Of course you can touch me,” she whispered. “I want you to touch me.” It was sad the way she said it.
Her body slipped into mine, fitting in against my front. I let my arm drop over her stomach and I tightened my grip. She was cold but I was warm from the bath. I shivered, from the mingling of our body temperatures. “I like this,” I said.
I meant that I liked being close to her. She was the only person I’d ever cuddled with like this. Ben and I never did. I didn’t like it with him and he was always sort of just done after we had sex. No one had wanted to hold me without expectations before.
“Me too,” she said.
“Olivia?” I let her name out quietly. “How did you know? About me and Ben.”
She was quiet for a second but eventually she spoke.
“The answer’s embarrassing,” she said. “You sure you wanna know?”
I rolled my eyes. “I think I said about five embarrassing things earlier so it’s your turn.”
“No, it’s really embarrassing,” she spoke low and slow. “That day after I first interviewed you…” I listened intently and allowed my mind to think back. “I was waiting in the parking lot because I was angry at myself and I wanted to apologize to you. When I saw you though, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t move. I saw you leave, you were so mad. I knew it wasn’t about me…” She paused but I kept quiet. “Then I noticed that Ben was watching you. There was something about him that made me think… It was like I knew.”
“Knew what?”
“That he was sleeping with you…” She said, surprising me. “That he was going to chase you. There was something in his face I’d never seen. Up until then I thought we were close, him and I. He was my favorite teacher. My favorite adult,” she scoffed bitterly. “I never would’ve thought such a thing if I hadn’t seen his face and his body language right then. I thought I knew him.” She swallowed nervously and I heard it. “I followed him in my car. Saw your house. Heard the way he talked to you. The way you talked to him.”
“Oh,” was all I could think to say. So, it was her reporter instincts that had led to her finding out. “I guess I was worried that he’d put you up to doing the interview because of our relationship and that you were, I don’t know, in on it or something.”
I felt stupid for saying it or even thinking it now. “But I know you wouldn’t. That’s not you.”
“In on what?” I heard her tone change.
“I don’t know. In on something. Ben wasn’t like this at the beginning. He was sweet and I think the more he realized that I wasn’t just going to fall for him, that I didn’t need him, he got weird. I’m pretty sure he followed me sometimes. Even when I was out with friends.”
“I shouldn’t have followed him and he shouldn’t have followed you,” Olivia said.
“I’m glad you did. If you hadn’t something like this would have probably happened anyway and no one would have been there. No one would have cared.” I spoke it like it hadn’t been that way with him before, but it had, sort of.
“You saved yourself Avery. I may have found you but you saved yourself.” She didn’t want to claim victordom.
“I think I still have to give you the assist. Banging on the door and all. But it kind of felt good to kick him in the balls.” It felt strange to think about it like that. Violence had sort of been a part of my relationship with Ben for a while. Back there was mild. My fighting though, that was new. “I think it was you though. If I didn’t care about you I wouldn’t have stopped seeing him. I was supposed to you know, the day of the lake.”
“Is that why you went in?�
�� She shivered and I hugged her tighter. She was smaller than me and holding her felt right.
“No, well, sort of. Everything was too much. I got some bad news about my mom and my dad and I sort of forgot about Ben but then I was also so mixed up about you and my body kind of shut down so I wanted to feel something. I just took off after fighting with my mom and ended up at the lake. It was stupid.”
“Next time, come to me.” It was a gentle request.
I sighed, feeling our bodies get even closer as my chest rose and then further away when it fell. “I guess I’m hoping there won’t be a next time but I’d be lying if I said I was in a totally good space right now. My dad’s coming home.”
“Are you scared?” Her concern for me was addicting.
“I don’t know what I am. I just know that everything’s messed up and I don’t want to go home.” That was always true but right now I couldn’t imagine seeing my dad. He had probably been around for a collection of three months all between deployments. “I think it’s dumb that he has to come back and be around just because my mom’s going to rehab but I get it being the law. I just know how it’s going to be.”
“I wish I could make things better for you,” she confessed.
“Thanks.” It wasn’t much but it really was what I felt. I moved my head on the pillow until it was near hers, my face buried in her hair. “You smell good.”
“I’m not the one who just took a bath.”
“I mean all the time.” I knew I shouldn’t say it but I’d confessed almost everything else I’d been holding in so the flood kept coming.
“Avery. You’re killing me.” She seemed a bit bothered, and I liked that.
“Is that good or bad?” I knew the answer I wanted but the truth was probably a mix.
“Both,” she said, turning in my arms, all the way around, until she was facing me. I felt her eyes on mine and her hand on my face but then she let out a sigh and shut her eyes.
“Should I take it back?” Her turning had disrupted my arm placement. I pulled her in, my hand on her back. “Okay, you stink.”
She opened her eyes and looked up at me again. I think she was surprised I was still joking. Sometimes she was too serious. That’s what I liked about her. I watched as her eyes lingered on my lips and she leaned in to softly kiss me.
It was what I was asking for without knowing it.
“I don’t want to feel like I’m taking things from you,” she whispered sadly, closing her eyes and laying her head back down. I watched her savor my taste on her lips. She looked as though she was concentrating on it.
I considered her words. “That’s what I’m worried about, taking more from you than I can give. If you didn’t like me as much as you do I could have slept with you five times by now and not felt guilty but since I could really hurt you and I like you, I guess I just don’t want you to get burned.”
It was only part of the truth. I didn’t want to get burned either. I was still trying to put the fire out from the disaster at home.
“Why don’t you let me worry about myself?” She asked, bothered.
“Because I take care of people I care about and for whatever reason I care about you.”
“You’re so crazy,” she said flatly.
“I’ve heard that before.” I rolled my eyes and waited, wondering what I could say to make her see.
“I get what you’re saying, it’s just stupid. No offense.”
I scoffed and shook my head against the pillow. “Um, none taken, I guess.” She was bringing the attitude and I was a sucker for that.
“You make space for others to be happy, leaving absolutely no space for yourself.”
“Probably because I don’t feel like it’s part of my life,” I said. “I don’t like thinking about it but I feel like I don’t deserve it.” If she didn’t stop talking, saying all the right things, something bad was going to happen, or maybe it was something good. It still wasn’t clear.
“You deserve it. That’s the whole problem. How can I possibly be more dangerous to you than him? In what world does it make any sense that you gave more of yourself to Ben than you’re ever willing to give to me?”
Heat rose to my cheeks and I pressed my lips together in a hard line. She was forever challenging me. “In the world where I could really care less if Ben leaves me alone but if you do I’d actually miss you.”
“I can’t predict the future,” she sighed in a grumble. “No one can. But Ben never deserved even an ounce or your attention and you apparently flooded him with gallons. That was counterproductive and it hurt you. I’d rather I get hurt than you.”
“Yeah but that was before you. I literally didn’t do anything but avoid him after we got closer. I know he isn’t worth my attention but I didn’t know that then. I just wanted to feel something and he was the way I made that happen. Like I said, it was dumb.”
If she didn’t stop I was just going to give her what she wanted, what I wanted. She turned around in my arms and seemed agitated. Her back was to me again and she didn’t speak.
“I feel like I’m just pissing you off right now but because I’m messed up, it feels like a good thing.” I didn’t want to explain it to her but I was finding her kind of irresistible right now.
“You’re driving me up the wall Avery. I can’t do this right now. I can’t talk in circles.”
“Is this what it would be like? If we were dating?” I just pushed through the word. It wasn’t like I was saying we would.
“Probably,” she actually laughed.
“Then maybe it wouldn’t be so bad.” I reached around and pulled her body, so that she was lying flat and I was above her. Instead of confirming anything I just bent down, looking her in the eye for a second before kissing her, not a small short kiss like earlier but a real one.
“Mmmm…”
I couldn’t go too much further right now. I was tired and raw. What Ben had done scared me and I knew I would probably feel the real effects of it later but right now I could kiss her and let myself feel the real thing.
Instead of a little bit of sensation, Olivia gave me too much. It was a power I couldn’t fully control, one that was created from inside of me, sparked by her.
I let the kiss end and settled my head on her chest, resting my hand on the other side. “I think I can sleep now.”
“Good,” she said. “I was just going to have to tell you that you’re right and I can’t survive you. But now that you’re going to shut up I think we’ll be fine.” Her hand came up and pet on my hair.
“Ha, I think you can survive more than you think. I know I have. But yes, sleep is good.” I didn’t want to think about what would come tomorrow. I was fine being here and now.
“Shhhh,” she said lovingly. I’d frustrated her so much but she was still being sweet. I felt her other hand rub my back.
“Goodnight,” I mumbled. Now that I was letting go, sleep was coming on fast. My eyes drooped closed and I curled into her, enjoying the way her hand caressed and soothed away my thoughts. “Don’t go anywhere okay?”
“Wouldn’t dream it,” she mumbled.
And I knew she wouldn’t. When I woke up she would be there because she wanted to be. Maybe if I stopped fighting her it would be okay. I was tired of fighting anyway...
That was my last thought as I drifted off.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Olivia
Falling asleep never ever felt so right. I had Avery in my arms, no matter what we were, or what that meant, it was good.
The night had been difficult. Tense. I found it hard to say the right thing and be the right me. All my thoughts were so clouded by the events of the day. Avery had this way of completely derailing me. One minute I was thinking one thing about her and then she’d just show up or just say one thing or just look at me a certain way and my whole entire thought process had to tumble off the tracks, regroup, rebuild, and start anew. It actually reminded me of math a little bit. Like when you know you’re suppose
d to use a certain formula and it’s been drilled into you and drilled into you but then all of a sudden something happens and you realize you were wrong all along, doing something foolish, idiotic, something only a dolt would do.
No matter what was said or what was done with Avery, I was the head-case. I was the dolt.
It’s a panic inducing feeling for me. I’m not used to feeling wrong. I don’t like not knowing where I stand. Especially with someone so important in my life, someone I’m obviously so invested in.
Last night I felt myself shutting down at the exact moment she was beginning to open up. The situation took precedence in my mind and I couldn’t decide if she was just talking because she needed to or if she was just talking because it was me. The answer there was important to me but, like so many other things with Avery, I could never just let myself ask her for it.
But she opened up a lot last night. The whole day actually. I don’t know if that was me bringing it out of her or her just finally being ready to let go. Either way, the timing was obviously bad. Everything with Ben had apparently been escalating since Avery stood him up on Saturday because she’d been asleep next to me. I suddenly felt very responsible for what happened. And I know that’s irrational but if I had just confronted him on Monday, told him I knew, he might’ve called it off right then instead of pining for her all week and then turning into some monster of a thing. She did say he liked it rough.
What if this was normal, for them? Now, that was the worst thought of all...
I don’t know how it is with men. I don’t know if it’s true that they can’t control things. I mean there have been so many studies and the statistics all show, the majority of attacks like this are primarily done by men. The way I’ve been feeling about Avery I can kind of imagine freaking out if the feelings were any stronger. But I know I’d stop myself if I knew I was hurting her. Set aside the idea that I could ever be strong enough to physically hurt her in the first place.
Ben wasn’t going to stop. He had to be physically struck down.
It’s impossible to even think of trying to contain a thing like that. But that’s not love at all, and it is, it is violent. Ben shouldn’t be around women at all if he can’t control that in himself. All this time in the lab I wish I had been working on some sort of sexual-violence inhibitor instead of working on run-of-the-mill influenza inhibitors to try and stop the average sickness that everyone else is trying to stop. Somehow the annual common flu seems less of a problem now that the commonality of rampant violent sexual aggression in the entire male gender is hot on my mind.
Paper Dolls, Book One Page 18
