I woke up this morning, my body turned into hers. Somewhere in the night we’d switched places. Body parts having minds of their own. When I woke she was holding me. My hand was clutched onto the collar of her white robe, my face nearly in her chest. My lips almost pressed to her skin. My first waking breath filled me up inside, it was almost like I was in the most intense daydream of my life, but I wasn’t, I was awake.
My body was on fire. I had to adjust myself right away. I didn’t know if she wanted that.
How we were in the night and how we’d be in the morning were always two different things. Again, I had no way to gage where we were, what she wanted, where she’d like me to be. I knew where I’d like to be. I knew I’d like to wake up like that with her and know I could stay… I’d like to know she actually did want me enough to be brave like I was trying to be brave for her.
We were similar. I don’t think she thought that though… Not at all.
I couldn’t chase away the thought that maybe if I had woken up later she wouldn't even be in the bed with me, let alone there to be upset with herself and turn away. In a way she was always deciding to leave me. Always deciding that it wasn’t worth it to try.
It made me feel like I wasn't worth it. Like maybe she didn’t really feel the way I did despite what she said. A thought like that didn't surprise me but it did break me again and again. Every time I saw hope I’d end ruined.
I want to trust her but my own feelings are so strong that to fight them really does just seem like self-inflicted torment, nothing more. It doesn’t matter how many times I tell her yes. The truth will always feel comforting, and just, when compared to the lie. The truth I can take. That’s why I’m going at this now without hesitation. That’s why I couldn’t stop spilling the truth and trying to get her to see why it maybe wasn’t so good that we were going to be sharing a room or why it maybe wasn’t so right that she let herself touch me if she wasn’t ever really going to let me in.
I could be her friend. I would love to be her friend. I like to think I already am. But she has us in between. And I so desperately want for us to be more. In a way, being with her now, it’s a trick of the light. An illusion so real and so pure I can’t see through it, can’t decipher it. It’s so right I don’t want to. Little-by-little, I’m seeing what we could be every day.
I am tormented by that, it’s such torment, I feel sequestered like she’s put me in a special box and I might be her puppy and on occasion she lifts me up and takes me out and I’m the happiest puppy in all the world to be loved by her but then she puts me back and I’m more alone than I ever felt because I know she’s out there now, I know she’s near, and before I never knew, before I was innocent, oblivious. I can’t be that anymore.
It’s so much harder for me to be in-between with her. I don’t want to take from her, not anything, not at all. And yet I feel she wants me to. I feel that she does. In that way it’s impossible to balance. She’s already confirmed, it’s not just in my head. I can’t force myself to be okay with taking from her after all that Ben took, all that her brother took by dying, all that her parents take by making her be the rock.
I only ever want to be good for her, good to her. And I can’t tell her. I can’t explain.
And I don’t want her to think it’s her fault because she already told me she’s trying to control what she feels.
The smartest thing for us probably would’ve been to book separate rooms. But last night that was definitely not an option. I wasn’t about to leave her alone.
Sitting with her in the bathroom I felt separated from her like I had to be strong and silent and hold my tongue.
Inside I was so angry. Not at her but at everyone else.
On the car ride to the new place all I could think was: what if he comes for her?
I’m not physically strong, not like she is. If that had happened to me I would’ve just had to suffer it. I wouldn’t have been able to get away or even try.
And that sounds weak. It sounds stupid. Studies show you’re more likely to survive an attack like that if you don’t fight it. And if it were Ben I would know that eventually it would just end. It wasn’t like he was going to take her to a dungeon or anything. And how horrible is it, that I know that?
It’d be like David and Goliath. Keen awareness and intellect is all I have, and that’s not strength. Well, it’s a form of strength but it’s not physical. There’s a reason people love that parable. It’s unlikely for David to win. That’s why everyone cheers when he does.
I can’t stop thinking of all this and I couldn’t stop the thoughts back then when I was alone with her.
I wanted to cry but I had to pretend I was just dazed. I had to pretend I wasn’t thinking Ben would come and he would do something.
Then we got in bed and things just got so much more complicated.
Avery asked if she could touch me.
I couldn’t help my body shaking right then but I really don’t think she noticed. That whole time my mind had been preoccupied with anger and fear. I didn’t know if I even could be kind after that.
I slipped in with her, pulled her body close to mine.
She wouldn’t stop talking. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t hard.
Normal me wanted to do something physical. With anyone. And I know that sounds bad but it makes far more sense to me to go out and find what you need with someone who wants i than to try to force someone else to deal with you like that.
I wanted her so much but I didn’t want to offend her or hurt her.
But she held me sweetly and said all kinds of things that broke me up, cracked my shell until I was spilling out everywhere. Only she couldn’t see it. She didn’t know.
It took all I had to try to be calm and okay.
She anchored me somehow. Her arm around my waist kept me contained.
When she finally decided to sleep I really did feel relief.
It’d been too much for one day, all of it.
And now? Now it was a new day.
“Morning,” she said, watching me pull away from her and stand.
“I’m gonna shower,” I whispered, not looking back. “Keep sleeping.”
I wanted her to let me be. After the dream I had, and the way we had been yesterday, I felt out of place. I felt wrong. Not exactly uninvited but like maybe I was mean to be around her after all that she said.
Fighting the urge to say things, or to touch her right now, it was all pretty difficult.
I went to the bathroom and stripped my underwear and bra away, running the water and waiting for it to get warm before stepping inside.
The hot water over my face felt so amazing. I even savored the sound of the water crashing down onto the warm puddle at my feet. It drowned everything else out.
I leaned in and held myself against the wall, allowing the water to run over my hair and swallow me up. Steam billowed everywhere, the water was so hot I knew I should turn it down but I liked how it burned.
Then I heard a noise and felt a hand on my waist. Avery’s naked body moved in behind mine and I turned in her arms, instinctively hugging her, too scared to look up as she hugged me and I hugged her back amongst the steam.
“What are you doing?” I whispered so quietly even I couldn’t hear myself.
“It’s too hot,” she said, reaching behind me and cooling it down. Her hand came up and began to run through my wet hair.
For a moment, behind the foggy glass door, we were slow dancing so close without music.
“Why’d you leave?” She asked.
“I wasn’t sure you’d still want me to be there.”
“I wanted you there,” she said. “I want you now.”
“Okay…” I didn’t know what else to say in return.
“I’ll go now,” she said, maybe sensing that I was both worried and confused. “Just wanted to make sure you were okay.”
I wasn’t okay but this made me feel a bit better. In a lot of ways she felt like a gorgeous phant
om, a fleeting apparition, the most comforting of all fantasies. So there and then so gone.
I allowed her to slip out just like she had come. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to say no and pull her back and make her stay.
I didn’t want to make her do anything. I wanted her to want me. And I wanted that to be her choice completely.
My face slid back under the water and I turned the heat back up, this time even hotter. I didn’t care if it burned. So much already did.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Avery
When she got up, the warmth left the bed. It was empty without her. After one night I was hooked on having her near. Usually I had a hard time with anyone sleeping close to me. I was used to being alone. None of my friends had ever been over to my house and I didn’t do sleepovers very much when I was younger. The few times I’d been forced to sleep in the same bed with someone else I’d been awake all night and when I woke up it was strange to have another person there.
It could have been the circumstances, but with Olivia I was completely comfortable. Whatever connection that kept me coming back made her produce this ease. So that when I wasn’t paying attention and guarding myself I just slipped into letting her in.
Yesterday, we crossed a line. What Ben did, what he tried to do, scared the shit out of me and Olivia was there.
She was perfect. Automatically, going into emergency management mode and taking care of me. There was no way I could thank her but I could let myself go. I knew she would catch me last night so it shouldn’t be any different now, but I’m scared.
The water started up in the bathroom. I couldn’t let her go without checking. Going back and forth, pulling her in and letting her go, wasn’t fair. I needed to make a decision. I slipped into the bathroom, untying the robe belt and letting the whole thing drop. Somehow, I made my decision. My feet moved and I climbed into the shower with her. My hands found her and wound around her body.
“Why’d you leave?” I asked.
“I wasn’t sure you’d still want me to be there.”
Her answer made me frown. That was my fault. I’d made her doubt with all of my reasons and efforts to protect us both.
“I wanted you there. I want you now.”
Would she know that I meant it? I was so afraid that she would turn away from me now that I’d pushed her away so many times. I felt like I was trespassing now.
“Okay…” She seemed unsure.
“I’ll go now. Just wanted to make sure you were okay,” I said.
If she’d only tell me if it was okay. I guess I was looking for confirmation that she still wanted this. After all that we had been dancing around, maybe it was just too much. I stepped out of the shower and stood, dripping wet, in the middle of the bathroom.
I couldn’t move. If I left I felt like she would be lost to me. Water slid down my body, falling onto the white tile. I shivered in the cold fog of the bathroom. Even if my life sucked right now I knew one thing. I felt more alive with Olivia than I ever had before.
I turned back around and drew the shower door aside, stepping back into the booth. It happened so quickly. She turned and I just looked at her, hair slicked back with water, perfect body and those eyes. I knew I had to have her.
“Olivia, is it too late?”
“Is what too late?” She asked. Her eyes staring so intently into mine. Her face wan and waiting.
“To do this.” My eyes slipped from her eyes to her lips and I moved forward. Our bodies impacted and I kept moving, not even thinking about hurting her. I was in a vortex where no logic could reach. Her back hit the tile of the shower and I was kissing her deep, fast but with no intention of stopping.
Her hands were in my hair and our bodies slid, wet skin on wet skin. I wanted to go further. She was kissing me back but was I just taking from her, being selfish and taking advantage of the need she had for me?
“Is this okay,” I whispered, stopping the kiss.
“If you want it, it’s more than okay.”
“I’ve always wanted it.” I was breathing hard, trying to figure out how to tell her what I needed to get across. “I’m sorry you didn’t think I did.”
“I don’t want to take from you, Avery. I don’t want to be like everyone else.”
“You can’t take it if I want to give it to you. I’m ready.” I was aware of the bizarre setting for my confession, naked in a shower, but it seemed oddly right. “If you want me, I’m yours.”
“Avery?” She looked at me, unsure, as if asking me something.
“What?” The water was starting to get a little cold but I didn’t care. I needed to hear her. “Tell me.”
“I don’t want to do this if you’re just going to change your mind.”
I bit my lip, frustrated that I couldn’t be good at this. I didn’t have a way with words and when emotions got involved I tended to ignore them rather than express them. I reached behind her and turned off the water.
We needed to move this elsewhere. I stepped out of the shower and grabbed two towels from the rack on the wall. “Here.” She probably thought I was crazy. I was. But I wanted her to see, to know what she was getting with me.
I dried myself off quickly, rushing with my hair, not caring that it was going to end up in tangles. I wrapped the towel around my body and pulled the other robe that hung on the door, grabbing the one I’d had on earlier from the floor. “Put this on,” I thrust the clean robe at her and put my own on.
She was slower than me but I had a reason to go fast. When she tied the belt I reached out, grabbing her hand and pulling her out of the bathroom and into the suite. There was a balcony on the far side of the room and I kept her walking, sliding the door open when we got to it.
I pushed the drapes aside and stepped out onto the balcony, waiting for her to join me. I looked out, seeing mountains in the distance and trees everywhere. Paths were cut through the green, roads and highways crowded with people in their cars.
“Look. Everything out there... “ I motioned with one hand. With the other I took hers. “I don’t get it. The world is a scary fucked up place.”
“Okay,” she laughed, staring over at me and noticing how excited I was.
I nodded my head, smiling a little. “So, you see. I don’t get all of that. Why awful things happen. Why people decide to ruin other people’s lives. That’s the stuff that scares me.”
“You’re not supposed to get it Avery. That’s the world. That’s the whole, why are we here? Who made us? Did we come here as organisms? And is there a god? These are questions that don’t have solid answers. People are so scared of these questions that they just decide to answer them not caring that what they answer may not even be true. People are desperate and insane. That’s humanity. That’s what humans do. It’s normal.”
“Exactly.” I tugged on her hand. “That’s what I mean. I’m not built to handle that all the time. I mean… I don’t handle it well. But… BUT.” I could see her about to open her mouth and clamped mine shut. Frustration was growing inside of me.
“That’s good though. That means you’re not in denial!” She laughed frustrated.
“I’ve never been accused of that, no, but what I’m trying to say is...”
“No one has all the answers. Anyone who says they do is lying,” she said solidly.
I closed my eyes and drew in a deep breath, trying to calm myself but she was going to drive me insane. This must be what it was like.
“Will you just shut up and let me tell you that I love you too?!”
She looked like I knocked the air out of her. Her mouth hanging open just a bit.
There it was. I smiled into the silence. “I thought that might make you be quiet.” I felt like I was jumping off the balcony we were standing on. That was what I was afraid of the entire time. The falling. I expected to feel impending doom but instead I felt the thrill of it.
“Please don’t play with me,” she said, avoiding my eyes and shaking her head.
“I’m not playing with you.” I pulled her over to the railing. “I haven’t ever played with you. Since the first kiss I knew I could love you if I let myself and I didn’t want to. I never wanted to fall in love but by the time I realized it was happening it was too late and I didn’t handle it very well but I’m going to start doing better.”
“So, you do want to be in love with me or you don’t want to be in love with me?”
“Olivia…” I groaned and tapped my foot on the concrete. She was going to analyze every single word I said. Take it apart and parse it for hidden meaning and really it was simple. I was trying to tell her that I wanted to be with her. I’d show her.
“You didn’t answer me Avery. It’s a simple question.”
I pulled her in, shutting her up with a kiss, taking her face in my hands and grazing our lips together, and then pulling back an inch. I shifted, changing the angle and nudging her nose with mine before kissing her again. “Yes.”
I said it, believed it, but I still felt gun shy. I wanted to give myself to her now, even if it didn't work.
“Okay, look. It wasn’t a fucking yes or no question,” she near growled. Her eyes squeezed shut so hard it amused me.
“Look at me.” I demanded, shaking her.
She opened her eyes and I stared into them. “Are you listening? Because I want you to hear this, I mean really hear it.”
“Okay,” she whispered, her eyes locked on mine.
“I want to be with you. I will not change my mind so unless—”
She kissed me. Right in the middle of my declaration. I guess she got the point, because her hands were snaking around my back and pulling me to her. Her fingers flexed and I felt her nails graze the back of my neck right above where my robe ended.
Paper Dolls, Book One Page 19
