My hand found hers and I was playing with her fingers now, loving the feel of her.
“I’m not lying,” she said. “You know what I did with Ben.”
“Liking sex isn’t a bad thing, Avery.”
“It wasn’t just sex though. I let him punish me. Gave him control.”
“What do you mean?” I didn’t like the sound of such a sentence coming out of her mouth.
For some reason I hated the fact that we both treated sex the same before knowing one another but only one of us was willing to see that.
“I told you how it was with Natalie,” I let slip. “That wasn’t just sex either. I still don’t think it was bad though. It was wrong of me. I used her to fix me. This sex is nothing like that.”
Where that sex was unchecked and destructive, this sex was like healing, like searching for each other's wounds and then mending them with care.
“I even let him do it in class,” she said, her eyes glossing. “It was like bad porn, Vi. I was his toy... It’s no wonder—”
“Avery…” My heart hurt just hearing her. I brought my fingers up to stop her lips. “Don’t even think it. It’s not true.”
What Ben did was Ben’s fault. The end.
“A lot of times he’d hold me down like that. Play at forcing me. But I always let him. He was never angry. It was never a fight.” She held her hand up. “He liked my wrists,” she said. “Holding them together in just one of his hands.” She demonstrated, crossing them over each other, letting the veins hit each other, inside-in. “He’d place them behind my back or above my head like he was arresting me. The whole time I knew I couldn’t fight him in strength but I always thought,” she swallowed in a shallow breath.
“You thought you had the power to stop him with just your words,” I finished.
“Yeah,” she said, her breath hollow yet sharp.
“I never did that with Ben,” I said carefully. “But I think I know how you feel. At least a little bit.” I’d be too scared to engage in something physical like that with him. There was no question in my mind now. It made sense he never tried anything with me on all those dark room nights when we were laughing, talking, and all alone.
All that being said, there was a reason I considered what Natalie did as an attack.
I was like Avery though I guess. For so long I practically welcomed it in.
“What’d she do to you?” Avery asked, her eyes changing.
She’d asked me that before. I grazed over the facts. Thinking about what she did meant I’d have to think about why I liked it, or why I let her.
“She took over me Avery.” It was simple as that. I knew given everything though it’d be wrong not to go into detail at least this once. “As soon as she slid into the seat next to mine I knew I was hers.”
It wasn’t love. I had to tell her that. She wouldn’t know.
“It wasn’t love,” I said, so sure I nearly frightened myself. “I didn’t know love then. Not like this.”
I tried to think of the right thing to say. Natalie was not an abuser. Our exes were very different. I rolled off of Avery just a bit and ran my hand through my hair, propping my head up on my other hand as I lay on my side. I was more than relaxed with her. My tone changed, so did my mood. “The piano was love. Your fingers on mine.” I brought her hand up in my own and kissed the back of it, my eyes flickering as I looked back at her, leading my lips to trace along her fingers in a soft touch. It was hard to talk about this, hard not to cry. “The last time I let her have me she was choking me while she did it and pushing into me so hard, I couldn’t even gasp let alone breathe. She shook me out of myself. I felt the darkness. I nearly blacked out. It wasn’t nice, it wasn’t soft like—” I thought back and sniffed with pursed lips. “Well,” I smiled awkwardly, the tears finally came, as I let out a bitter laugh. “You know what I mean…” I was so stupid. That’s all that I meant.
Avery looked up at me and lightly brushed the tears from my cheek. I felt her fingers slowly tracing down to my neck and then touching me there, touching me tenderly. As she surveyed me, I just stared.
“Usually after I left her I’d have bruises,” I said. I leaned back. I pulled my hair away, to look down at my chest. Sure enough there was still a faint bite mark on my breast from the last time I let her play.
“That’s messed up, kind of like Ben. I had bruises the next day too.” Avery said, seeing it.
“It wasn’t bad though, not really. I wanted the pain. See,” I said, looking up. “Not smart.”
Should I tell her how I loved the sight of the bruises? Should I tell her about my long baths where I’d just sit and remember what Natalie had done? Where Natalie had been?
I wasn’t sure what I should say. How she felt about Ben was still a bit of a mystery to me. She didn’t seem to relish anything she felt with him.
“Stress was my trigger,” I said. “Having no control over my thoughts. I would go to her. I would find her. When she did things to me all my crappy overwhelming thoughts and failings from the day went away. For that, I trusted her. Needed her.”
I thought back on it. It seemed so long ago somehow now.
She was my only distraction.
“I was weak.” Always weak. Not just with her, or back then, always...
“I couldn’t handle being alone with myself.”
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Avery
Every time we talked things got better. When I’d realized that resisting it wasn’t going to work I let go. She finally believed that I was willing to give it a chance. What happened to me in Ben’s room scared me more than her love. Letting someone like that touch me and keep me, when Olivia was a possibility, made me feel sick.
We were still awake, lying together in the bed. It had grown quiet long ago and a circular line of thought kept shifting courses through my head. I couldn’t help but compare the way Olivia made me feel versus every person before.
Her head was on my chest, fingers of one hand drawing lazy circles on my arm. I could smell her hair and feel its thick softness on my skin. If perfect existed it was this moment. Yet, my mind couldn’t let me just be happy. There had to be reasoning and fears, ruminations of the past.
“I didn’t realize what it was doing to me,” I mused. “That thing with Ben, I mean. I guess in some ways I still think I deserved it but I know that’s the crazy in my head talking. Didn’t stop me from letting him use me… Abuse me.”
I said the last words so quietly she might not have heard but it was true. There was rough sex and then there was what I had experienced with him. If I had been able to feel enough, if he hadn’t wrapped my mind around his intentions, I might have been more scared.
“What do you mean you thought you deserved it?”
I shrugged, getting a little frustrated. It always made me like this. Inside I felt like a loser and no one ever seemed willing to acknowledge that I could feel that way.
“People think I have everything. And both of my parents basically didn’t feel like sticking around either, physically or mentally. I just grew up knowing that I didn’t want to talk about it. I won’t whine. So, when I feel depressed or upset I don’t think I deserve to be happy. Whatever happy means.”
The last part just made me frown because I didn’t want her to think I wasn’t happy here with her. I was but there was a lot of stuff that I was dealing with outside of this. I was thankful to have this space with her.
“So because you’re good at things you think you deserve to be treated like shit? Avery, that makes no sense…”
“Maybe not but it’s how my brain works. I feel like I’m paying a price or something.”
“Like karma?” She asked, bothered. “But you could’ve said no. Did you like it at all? Was it in any way satisfying?”
“Mmmm,” I thought about it hard. “I mean, I wasn't exactly punishing myself by having sex with him. It started out nice. You know how he is. He can be really sweet and kind of charming in a dorky, not
on purpose, way and it was only later that he started changing, or maybe I just never saw that side of him.”
I sighed and tucked my nose down into her hair. “Short answer: sometimes it was satisfying. Sometimes I was going through the motions and doing what I thought I was supposed to do. I just got trapped in the situation. I felt bad when I didn’t want to be with him. I know I was using him too sometimes.”
“I don’t think you were ever using him,” she said. “It sounds like he took from you, made you feel guilty. It sounds like he was nice and you thought that meant you should give him something. Like a cookie.”
“Maybe. All I do know is that whatever I did feel with him was so far from what I feel with you. And that’s a good thing. You must be magic or something.”
I teased her, trying to not think of Ben anymore. We had just had a really amazing morning after a really shitty day and I wanted to drink the good in before we had to figure out what we would do.
“Say what you will about that. I don’t feel too magical. I couldn’t stand it if you felt that way with me and pretended something else. If I ever found out I’d be so upset Avery. No matter how good this feels I would never want to force you to feel anything for me. Promise me you’ll never pretend with me, please?”
I blinked, drawing back and turning a little to try and look at her. “Hey,” I said, using a finger to turn her chin up. “The only thing I’ve ever tried to pretend about with you was when I was trying to convince myself I didn’t feel as strongly as I do about you.”
I scooted down so that we were even and she could read the sincerity in my eyes. “I would never pretend that I wanted to be with you if I didn’t. Okay?”
“Okay…” She said, but I could tell she was uncertain. No matter what I said she seemed more bothered than pleased. In some ways she was leery and I couldn’t blame her.
“I’m serious.” I wanted to look away so badly but I couldn’t. It wouldn’t be right. “There has never been anyone I would risk my heart for. NO ONE. But it’s like you ripped all my walls out and built something better there instead.”
“I don’t know if I should be happy about that or scared. I love you, I know I do. But life doesn’t always turn out the way we want it to,” she said. “Losing you would be… I can’t even imagine.”
“I can’t promise you that nothing will ever change but I know you’re scared too.” I felt the pressure of her need but instead of wanting to turn away I needed her to at least believe that I wanted it as much as she did. “I love you and that’s blowing my mind but I’m okay with it. I want it.”
“I love you too. I just want to be with you all the time,” she said.
“Well, I want that too. I’ve never let anyone in my life but I want to do things, stupid things, like take you to my house, show you my room, and make out with you in a movie theatre.” I laughed at the thought of straight-laced Olivia worried about people seeing us. “Not that we have to do that.”
“But I’d scream it for anyone to hear.” I threw my hands up in the air, taken with a sudden whimsy. “Attention students, I, Avery Lockhart, am totally infatuated and in love with Olivia Holbrook. You may now go about your business.” I lowered my hands, smiling down at her.
“You’re an idiot,” she teased, her eyes adoring mine, her smile so real. For some reason when she smiled it meant so much more to me than a smile from anyone else.
“Yes, but I’m your idiot and now you have to put up with me.” I nodded my head, waggling my eyebrows. “You have no idea what you’ve gotten yourself into.”
She was laughing at my silliness. It was amazing to see. We had laughed so little while we were getting to know one another.
“I think I’ve been pretty lucky,” she said, still taking me in.
“Well, yeah, bagging a catch like me.” She rolled her eyes and groaned.
I nudged her and let my smile die. “But, for real, what are we going to do? What if people find out.” I blinked, thinking of all the things that could apply to. “I don’t want to be the reason you have a hard time.”
“Avery, I’d have a hard time no matter what I decided to do or be. My parents aren’t happy with anything. It’d be better if we didn’t tell them but if they ever found out I wouldn’t care. I don’t have to be their daughter and I’m sick of trying to be who they want me to be.”
“Oh-kaaay.” It wasn’t the clearest answer but I almost didn’t want to press it. I just needed to know how to act. If I could show what I felt for her or if I had to pretend for everyone else. “I’m good at showing the world what I want them to see but I’m not sure how awesome I’ll be at hiding how I feel about you.”
What if she doubted me because of how I acted in public? If I couldn’t just let her think that I didn’t love her.
“Well… What would your parents do if they knew? Would things be good or bad? I’m assuming they knew nothing about you and Ben…”
I snorted. “No, they know next to nothing about my life. My dad’s been at home maybe three months in the last three years and my mom is always too out of it to care what’s going on with me. They’ve never met anyone I dated.” I grinned. “I take that back. My best friend. They met her even though they didn’t know we were dating at the time.”
She considered my words. I always wondered what she was thinking. Sometimes it was easy to tell but I started to doubt my ability to read her when I needed her to see. Her silence pushed me to speak sometimes. “The only reason I wanted to know was so I didn’t mess anything up for you. I’m good with whatever you want.”
“Wait, hold on, you dated your best friend?” She seemed jealous.
That was the part of what I said that I considered the least interesting. “Sort of.”
“You keep sneaking important things into your statements about other important things. You’re not the easiest person to talk to Avery.”
“Sorry,” I said, shrinking a little. “I didn’t think it was that important. We were like twelve and it wasn’t like it was a big deal. We kissed… Twice and we said a bunch of mushy stuff to each other before I moved far, far away.”
“But you’re still friends?”
It was easy to get a rise out of her even when I wasn’t trying. It didn’t unsettle me though. It rolled off of me or got me a little frustrated. Either way, it made me want to kiss her too.
“Yeah, she’s the only person who actually knows anything about me from before I moved here. She’s the only person I trusted until I met you.”
This wasn’t what we should have been talking about. I needed to know the plan.
“So she’s a girl.” Olivia kind of froze.
“Last time I checked, yeah.” She was persisting and I didn’t really know why she was getting agitated. “Listen. That was a long time ago, relatively speaking, and now I’m with you.”
“I’m sorry, it’s just… I thought I was your first.”
“Well, you are. I told you it was nothing with her. Literally two kisses.”
“But you loved her. She was your friend. Not just some random girl. Not just someone you met two weeks ago. Someone like me.”
I started to understand a little. “She’s my best friend, I love her as a friend. Even back then I think it was just me having a stupid crush. After Adam she was there for me and we were never anything but friends. I never felt anything, like real, more than friend love for her.”
I wanted to shake her. Now, she was the one being stupid but I didn’t want to say that. Instead, I pulled her in and pressed my lips to hers, lingering when she relaxed under my hands.
“I swear you’re the only person that has ever made me this crazy. I want to run a marathon and jump up and down and sing every stupid love song I’ve ever heard.”
That might not be enough for her. I might not be enough for her. Even if she said so. She was right. We had only met each other two weeks ago.
“Okay, romantic you is kind of embarrassing,” she joked, finally letting it go.
>
My face scrunched and I nodded. “I know, kind of lame, right? Under this badass exterior I’m just a huge dork. I hate to disappoint you.”
“It’s funny you think you’re so badass,” she teased.
That made me laugh. It was just teasing but it was so far from the truth. I was always wondering why people seemed to hang around. I didn’t really try that hard to maintain relationships.
“Okay, how about this,” she proposed. “Why don’t we take things one day at a time. No kissing in public on this trip. Anything else is okay.”
I nodded. It was all going to be up to her. “I don’t have anything to lose so it’s whatever you want. I’m not worried about it for me. The only thing that’s weirding me out is seeing Ben again.” I tried to sound normal, like I was worried about forgetting something at the grocery store, but it probably came out somewhere in between freaked and totally okay.
“We can still report him Avery. I didn’t say anything yesterday but I wanted to call the police.”
Something had me shaking my head. It was a feeling of responsibility I didn’t know how to name. “No.” I shrugged. “It would be our word against his and the Administration loves him. It would just drag us out and get people talking.”
“I have no problem going to bat for you and you know who my parents are right?”
“Not really,” I smiled. My so-called friends had told me a few things but I rarely paid attention to their gossip. “Skylar told me that your dad owns some company and that you thought you were better than everyone.” I pulled her closer. “For the record, you are.” I smiled.
She scoffed. “Who the hell is Skylar?!” She shook. “Never mind- whatever- my Dad does own a company but that’s not the only thing that would help us. Avery, my mom’s a Judge. She’s respected in the state and especially in the eyes of the law. She has connections. The kind that can put anyone behind bars and make anyone pay for their overtly violent crimes.”
I shifted a little, uncomfortable at the thought of that kind of confrontation. People all up in my business, asking questions. Me in the middle of some legal case and Ben getting fired, maybe going to jail. He deserved it but stuff like that got in the news.
Paper Dolls, Book One Page 21
