Again and Again (Forever and Always #10)

by E. L. Todd

  I nodded.

  “I’m so sorry.” The moisture in her eyes told me she meant it.

  I felt my own tears fall again. “I don’t understand why I’m so upset. I don’t know what it is….but everything hurts.”

  She wrapped her arms around me. “It’s okay, Mike. You lost your niece or nephew. It’s perfectly okay to feel this way.”

  “I just…I never cry.”

  She kissed my tears away. “It’s perfectly acceptable.”

  I took a deep breath and wiped my tears away. “My brother and sister don’t deserve this. They are the best people I know. They shouldn’t have to go through this.”

  She moved into my lap. “They don’t.”

  I wrapped my arms around her waist and hugged her. “I hate this…”

  She kissed my forehead. “It’s horrible.”

  “I was so excited to have a kid running around. I could teach them to play pranks on Sean, teach them to play baseball because Sean throws like a girl, and just…spend time with them, you know?”

  “I know.” A few tears fell.

  “And now…they’re gone.”

  She hugged me tightly and fell silent. I closed my eyes and tried to fight the pain I felt. I couldn’t process what just happened. It was like I lost my own kid. And imagining the pain and loss Scarlet was going through killed me. My brother broke down and cried. And he never cried. It was the worst thing that could happen.

  “Let’s get in bed,” Cassandra said gently. She pulled my shirt off and helped me get undressed. I was in a daze, unable to think straight. When I was naked, she led me to the bed and tucked me. She took care of me. I’ve never had someone do that before. Then she stripped her clothes off and got beside me.

  I wanted to connect with her to heal the pain in my heart, so I rolled on top of her and pulled her legs apart. She didn’t stop me or question my actions. When I looked at her lithe body underneath me, I was instantly hard. I was broken and needy.

  I moved inside her in a quick motion then pressed my face closer to hers. Feeling the connection to someone reminded me that I would get through the pain. Love would make this better—eventually. I wouldn’t always feel as shitty as I do now. My brother and sister would pull through this. In time, they would heal.

  12

  Scarlet

  All I felt was pain. My stomach was flat again. It was like my baby was never there. Even though I didn’t finish my first trimester and we didn’t formally announce it, I felt like I lost a part of myself. The pregnancy wasn’t planned but Sean and I were so thrilled when I found out. We loved that baby the moment we knew I was having it.

  And to have it taken away was unbearable.

  I never cared for having kids as I grew up. After the horrific childhood I had, I didn’t think I should procreate. But Sean put me back together and healed my past. He said I would be a great mom and I believed him.

  I wondered what happened. Was it my fault? Did I do something? Was I barren? Would I never give Sean the kids he wanted? I hated thinking about it. It broke my heart.

  I spent the next few days in my room. I never turned on the lights. It was always dark. I never spoke. I had nothing to say. I didn’t even want to see my family. I’d been through a lot of tough shit, but this was by far the worst. I’d never been in such pain. I’d rather break every bone in my body than lose my child.

  Sean was always there, wordlessly. He forced me to eat when I had no appetite, and he stayed in the room with me all the time. He worked on his laptop during the day and stayed on top of work. I just lay in bed—not moving.

  By the end of the week, Sean didn’t go back to work.

  “Sean, you don’t need to stay here with me.” It was dark in the room. I couldn’t see his face.

  “I’m staying here with you.”

  “But—”

  “Mike can take care of everything. Don’t worry about it.” He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me to his chest. We hadn’t been affectionate for the past few days. He kissed my forehead.

  “I’m so sorry…” This was the most we spoke in a week.

  “Don’t say that ever again.” His voice carried his anger.

  “Our baby…”

  “I’m devastated too. But we’ll be okay.” He kissed my forehead again.

  I didn’t cry because it was physically impossible. There were no tears to shed.

  “I’m the one who should be apologizing, Scarlet. I put you through so much stress. I’m the one to blame.” His voice carried his pain.

  “That’s not true, Sean.”

  “Yes, it is,” he said bitterly.

  “No.”

  He fell silent.

  I snuggled into him. I finally felt an appetite. It was the first time I was hungry in a week.

  He moved his hand to my stomach. “We’ll try again—at a better time.”

  “What if I can’t have kids…?”

  “It won’t change anything, baby. All I need is you.”

  “Really?”

  “Of course. We could always adopt too.”

  I nodded.

  “But we’ll try again and see what happens.”

  “Okay.” My stomach growled. And it was loud.

  He smiled at me. It was the first time that happened in a week. “Hungry?”

  “What gave me away?”

  “What do you want? I’ll make anything.”

  “French toast.”

  “That’s very specific,” he said with a laugh.

  “It sounds good.”

  “Whatever you want.” He got out of bed and got dressed.

  I sat up and put my feet on the floor. The only time I got up was to use the restroom. I stood up and pulled my clothes on.

  “Coming downstairs?” Sean asked.

  I nodded.

  He smiled again. “Good. You want me to carry you?”

  “I can manage.”

  “Okay.”

  He walked with me down the stairs, keeping an eye on me. After I sat at the table, he cooked my breakfast even though it was evening. I didn’t have any sense of time anymore. I was always in eternal night.

  He put the food on my plate. He almost cooked an entire bag of bread. “Wow…that’s a lot.”

  “You haven’t been eating. So, if you’re hungry, you should eat up.”

  He sat across from me and ate his own French toast.

  I lathered mine in syrup and butter then ate quietly.

  Sean kept looking at me across the table.

  “What?” I asked without looking at him.

  “I’m just happy you’re eating.”

  “Oh.” The week had passed without any meaning. I was pretty much dead. “How is everyone?”

  “Concerned,” he said. “They’ve come to the house every single day.”

  “Where’s Monnique?”

  “She got her apartment.”

  “Oh.” I felt bad for not saying goodbye.

  Sean read my mind. “She understood, Scarlet.”

  “Okay. How’s Ryan?”

  “They are all the same—pretty upset.”

  I sighed, feeling sad.

  “But they would like to see you, when you’re willing.”

  “I’m sure they would.”

  I finished my last piece when there was a knock on the door. “Expecting someone?”

  “No.” Sean wiped his mouth with a napkin. “I’ll get it, baby.” He walked to the door. I could hear it open.

  “Sean?” It was Diane. Great. The miscarriage gave me a new perspective on life. I wasn’t going to let her bother me anymore. As far as I was concerned, she didn’t exist. “I heard something horrible about Scarlet.”

  “Mom, now isn’t the time,” Sean snapped. “Please leave.”

  “No.” Her voice carried her emotion. “Scarlet lost the baby?”

  “Yes,” he whispered. “We don’t know what caused it, but I suspect it was stress—from you.”

  If stress were the culprit
, I’d pin it on her too.

  “Oh God.” I heard her start to sob.

  That was not a reaction I expected.

  “Where is she?” she said. “I need to see her.”

  “Mom, she’s not in the mood.”

  “Please.” I heard her plea. Her feet pounded against the hardwood floor as she bared in. “Scarlet!”

  “I’m in here,” I said quietly.

  Diane rounded the corner then burst into tears. She came to my side and wrapped her arms around me. “I’m so sorry for everything. I can’t believe this happened to you. My poor girl.”

  Was this the same woman?

  Sean came into the room and watched his mother. Andrew was behind him, his hand on Sean’s shoulder.

  “This is all my fault,” Diane said. “I was so horrible to you. Please forgive me.” The tears fell down her face. “Scarlet, I didn’t it for it to get this bad. I was just out of hand. Andrew made me realize how wrong I’ve been, and knowing I caused you so much stress to lose your baby…it kills me.”

  I felt like I was speaking to a different woman. Seeing her cry her heart out on my shoulder tugged at my heart. Her apology seemed sincere. “It’s okay, Diane.”

  “No, it isn’t,” she said quietly. “But I’ll work on your forgiveness. I really want you and Sean to have children. The last thing I need to do is stress you out.”

  I patted her back. “Then let’s start over. I’m willing to try if you are.”

  She nodded and wiped her tears with the backs of her hands. “I realize you are…different with the way you express yourself and do things, but Andrew, Mike, and Sean adore you, and I need to adore you as well. And, my husband told me about how horrible your mother was…I’m so sorry to hear that. It broke my heart.”

  “I appreciate that, Diane.”

  “God, it’s all hitting me how bad I was. I don’t understand why you are willing to forgive me.”

  “Because I love your son,” I said honestly. “And I would do anything for him.”

  She nodded. “He’s very lucky to have a woman willing to put up with me.”

  “She almost didn’t,” Sean jabbed.

  I shook my head at him.

  Diane sat beside me. “Is there anything you need, honey?”

  “No. Just time.”

  She nodded. “I understand.”

  “Did the doctors say anything else?” Andrew asked.

  I knew what he was really asking. “He said we could try again and hope for the best. He didn’t know what caused it.”

  He nodded. “Well, I’m sure it will happen when the time is right.”

  I knew he took the miscarriage the hardest. Sean said he was excited to have his first grandson.

  “We’ll try again when Scarlet…recovers,” Sean said.

  Silence fell on us for a moment. I didn’t know what to say. I knew I looked like hell.

  “Well,” Andrew said. “We should let Scarlet rest.”

  “Good idea,” Diane said. She stood up. “We should go shopping when you’re up to it.”

  “That would be great,” I said.

  Sean walked them to the door then came back. “So…are you and my mom okay?”

  I nodded. “She apologized.”

  He breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank god.”

  “I don’t want to break up your family, Sean. I’ve never wanted that.”

  “I know,” he said gently.

  He came behind me and rubbed my shoulders. “I know everyone is anxious to see you—if you’re up to it.”

  “I think I’ve made them wait long enough.”

  “How about we have everyone over for some milkshakes?”

  I smiled. “We’ll use Ryan’s blender.”

  He kissed my forehead. “It’s the only one we got.”

  13

  Cortland

  I wanted to bring Scarlet something to cheer her up but I couldn’t think of anything. So I decided to bring her a pizza with two tickets to the Yankees game. I knew she loved baseball. We could get her mind off the travesty.

  We all took my car to the house, all the presents and balloons blocking my rearview mirror.

  Ryan sat in the passenger seat. He was still pretty upset about the whole thing, even a week later. A bottle of Crown Royale sat on his lap.

  “Do you think that gift is appropriate?” Mike asked.

  “You don’t know my sister like I do,” Ryan said simply. “She loves getting drunk. And I suspect she’ll be doing it a lot for the next month.” There was a bitterness to his voice. Janice clapped him on the shoulder then sat back.

  “Is Monnique going to be there?” Mike asked. I knew the question was directed at me.

  “I don’t know,” I said defensively. “Why would I?”

  Ryan eyed me. “I heard through the grapevine you two made out.”

  I turned around and glared at Janice then turned back around.

  “What?” Janice said. “I tell Ryan everything.”

  “Monnique didn’t need to tell you that,” I snapped.

  “Well, I’m the only friend she has right now,” Janice said.

  Ryan glared at me. “Dude, what the hell are you doing?”

  Mike smiled. “Ooh…I feel a friends with benefits relationship coming on. Those are the best.”

  Cassandra narrowed her eyes at him

  “Second to being madly in love in a committed relationship…” He winked at her.

  Ryan continued to glare at me. “What the fuck does this mean? Are you getting back together?”

  “No. I don’t know. No.” I didn’t know what the hell was going on.

  “You don’t know?” Ryan asked with an eyebrow raised.

  “It just happened,” I said defensively. “I was depressed about Scarlet…She was depressed. I don’t know.”

  “I’ll kick your ass if you get back together with that maneater,” Ryan said.

  “Ryan!” Janice glared at him from the backseat. “Stop being a walking soap opera and mind your own damn business.” She hit him upside the head.

  Mike laughed.

  Ryan turned around and glared at her. “You’re lucky I don’t hit women.”

  “You don’t hit me because you’re wrapped around my finger, Ryan. Don’t act like you would do anything different than Cortland.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “In fact, you would take me back the moment I arrived on your doorstep, so stop telling Cortland how to handle his own relationship.”

  “Why don’t you be quiet and let me talk to my friend?” Ryan snapped.

  “I will if you stop being an ass.”

  If we were at their apartment, we could walk out and let them fight in peace. But in the car, we couldn’t escape.

  “When we get to Scarlet’s, I’m going to teach you a lesson,” she threatened. “I’ll bring you to your knees and make you realize just how weak and pathetic you are.”

  Ryan turned back around then looked at me. “In all seriousness, what’s going on?”

  “I don’t know... I honestly don’t.”

  “Then maybe you should stop kissing her,” Ryan said simply.

  “It happened one time.”

  “You want my advice?” Ryan asked. “If you really don’t want to get back together with her, you need to cut her off. Don’t see her anymore. And when you do, don’t talk to her—if that’s what you want.”

  “I don’t know what I want. When I’m with her I just want to forget about everything and be happy. But I still…hurt. And that makes me doubt everything all over again.”

  “I think you could do a lot better,” Ryan said. “You should get laid and you’ll realize you don’t need her. You’re just horny and alone.”

  Janice shook her head. “Could you be any trashier?”

  “Shut up,” he said. “This is how guys talk. There’s no reading between the lines. We say exactly how it is. I’m only sweet to you because I’m fucking you.”

  “And because you love me.”


  “Yeah, whatever,” Ryan said.

  Mike laughed. “You guys are the weirdest couple in the world.”

  “We express ourselves a little differently,” Janice said. “But I assure you, Ryan’s a huge pussy when we’re alone.”

  Ryan shook his head but didn’t retaliate.

  “I’m a pussy with Cassandra,” Mike admitted with a shrug. “It’s not so bad.”

  Cassandra smiled at him fondly.

  “Actually, it’s pretty nice,” Mike said. “I don’t have to be a tough guy all the time. I love having a girlfriend. And it’s nice having pussy every night.”

  I cringed. “Too much info, man.”

  “Like you don’t think the same thing,” Mike said.

  I did. I missed that closeness with Monnique. I could open up to her and tell her everything I could never tell anyone else.

  We pulled up to the house and pulled out the pile of gifts we stuffed into my car. Balloons, flowers, presents—everything. It looked like we were going to a birthday party.

  I opened the door and walked inside. We all had keys so we never knocked. Fortunately, Sean and Scarlet didn’t have sex downstairs. That was something no one wanted to see.

  “We’re here,” I announced.

  Scarlet came from the kitchen, wearing a dark green dress. Her stomach was gone, and she looked exactly as she had before the pregnancy. The sight broke my heart. I knew Scarlet was still heartbroken, even a week later. I could see it in her eyes. She smiled and tried to keep a brave face on.

  “Hey, everyone,” she said.

  Ryan moved to her first and hugged her tightly. He rested his chin on her head and held her. She closed her eyes while her brother held her. I could tell she was trying not to cry.

  “You look good,” he said.

  “Thanks…”

  “For once, you aren’t ugly.”

  She chuckled. “It’s a miracle.”

  “I’m glad you’re finally using my blender.”

  She nodded.

  “I hope Sean likes fat chicks,” he teased.

  She rolled her eyes. “I’m not fat.”

  Ryan was the only one who knew how to make her feel better instantly. He teased her, even said mean things, but it somehow tamed her emotions. It was like they were synced through their minds. Ryan pulled away and kissed her forehead.

  “I love you,” he whispered. “And I’m so sorry about what happened.”