Again and Again (Forever and Always #10)

by E. L. Todd

  “I know.” Her eyes watered. “And I’ll always hate myself for that.”

  “It wouldn’t be fair to you. I would always resent you. It just wouldn’t be the same.”

  “Cortland, I’m fine with that.” Her lips quivered and the tears fell.

  “You deserve better than that,” I whispered.

  “I don’t want better. I want you.” She grabbed my face and kissed me. “Please don’t do this…”

  I tried to pull away but she wouldn’t let me. Her mouth devoured mine and she gripped the back of my neck. I gave into the heat and desperation and kissed her back just as passionately. A surge of emotion welled through me. I loved her so fucking much. I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life. I just want to be happy again.

  She grabbed my shirt and pulled it off. I didn’t stop her even though I knew I should. Her hands ran up and down my chest then cupped my face again. I wanted her, to be inside her and feel that connection again. When she grabbed her own shirt to pull it off, reason came into me and I stepped away.

  “No…” I couldn’t think of anything better to say. Tears in my eyes, I grabbed my shirt and pulled it back on. “We shouldn’t see each other anymore. It’s just too hard…”

  Tears cascaded down her face. “Please…”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “This can’t be the end.”

  I reached for the door and hid my face. I couldn’t look at her, not when I walked out and ended this relationship forever. “But it is.”

  14

  Ryan

  When Janice walked into the shop wearing a trench coat and heels, I knew I was in trouble.

  For the past month she’d been punishing me with sick, crazy-ass sex games. She would turn me on until I wanted to blow my load. Then she would fuck me like crazy, but when I was about to come, she would pull out and let me wither in pain. If I wanted an orgasm, I had to give myself one, which wasn’t nearly as satisfying as releasing inside her pussy.

  All I had to do was resist her, but that was fucking impossible. Even her kiss was irresistible. She would play until I was begging on my knees, doing anything just to feel myself inside her.

  It was fucking humiliating.

  She took all the control away, making me feel pathetic. We still made love at night, but those occasions were rare now. She was merciful and didn’t torture me every single day.

  And all of this was happening because of the way I treated Monnique. Janice told me I had to apologize to her for being such a dick, and when I refused, she pulled a trick on me.

  I loved it but hated it at the same time.

  So, when I saw her walk into my shop, I knew she was here just to humiliate me. But I promised myself I would resist her. I wouldn’t look inside the trench coat. I wouldn’t.

  People were sitting in the seats, waiting for their turn to get a tattoo on their flesh. My workers were busting their asses and I was taking care of the register. Now wasn’t the time for Janice to placate me.

  She came to the counter. “Hey, baby.” Even her voice was sexy.

  I didn’t look at her. “Janice, I’m busy. You can do this later.”

  She didn’t move. She watched me count the bills in the register. I waited for her to leave.

  Then she came around the counter then shoved me. I stumbled back, thousands of dollars in my hands. When her back was turned to everyone in the shop, she opened the jacket.

  Damn bitch.

  She wore a black see-through babydoll dress. The top was crisscrossed in the front so her breasts were practically sitting on a platter. They were huge, round, and perky. She wore a black thong underneath, a simple string.

  Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

  Her hair was lustrous and huge. Curls were everywhere, and her eyes were dark with makeup. She looked fuckable.

  No, I had to be strong.

  When she spotted my resistance, she pressed her body against mine and shoved her tongue down my throat. Her tongue played with mine and instantly got me hard. When she rubbed against my cock, she knew she had me.

  She broke our kiss and moved her lips to my ear. “Fuck me in the back.”

  Ugh… Why couldn’t I resist her? I knew what she was going to do, bring me to the edge of a powerful orgasm then pull me out of her. It was unbearable every time. But I was so fucking hot for her that I couldn’t resist her.

  She closed her jacket then walked down the hallway and into my office. I glanced at everyone sitting in the shop. They all saw what just happened. But I had no shame and walked in the back to get my dick wet.

  She was sitting on my desk, the jacket gone and her legs spread.

  My cock twitched. I locked the door behind me then pulled my clothes off. “You’re a fucking bitch.” I grabbed her hips and pulled her ass over the edge.

  She smirked. “But you’re going to fuck me anyway. Because you’re weak.” She emphasized the last word. Weak.

  I wanted to walk out and teach her a lesson, that she couldn’t play me like this. But I remember how good she felt. She was always wet. And she was so bendable.

  She grabbed my ass and pulled me toward her. “Come on.” Her back was to the wall and her legs were up. She looked so fucking hot.

  I felt cheap. I felt dirty. And I felt pathetic. Janice had me whipped like a damn dog. These sick games she played had me sprawled at her feet. I felt the shame cover over me as I inserted myself insid. But once I was in there, I didn’t care. I fucked her hard, loving every second of it.

  She watched me, a look of victory in her eyes. She wasn’t into it like she was when we made love. She just watched me like I was the TV. She almost seemed bored. It only reminded me how powerless I was.

  I was turned on by the manipulative games she played with my mind. Janice was the only woman who could control me sexually. She could take the reins whenever she wanted. And that never happened before. Unable to do anything about it, I walked right into her trap.

  “You’re about to come,” she whispered.

  I rocked the desk into the wall, clenching my ass as I moved through her slickness. I had no idea how she knew that. I felt the burn inside my balls. I was about to come but I didn’t want her to know because she would end it. I tried to keep a straight face.

  “Your face might betray me but your dick can’t.” She pulled me out of her.

  “Fuck…” I gripped her hips, feeling the frustration. “Baby, please….”

  “Apologize to Monnique.”

  I can’t believe I fell for this trick every single time. “Come on…I love you.”

  She smirked. “That’s not what I want to hear.”

  I tried to move inside her again but she wouldn’t let me.

  “Either apologize to Monnique or go in the bathroom and finish off.”

  “God, you’re a bitch.”

  She smiled. “I know.”

  I still rocked my hips, imagining her smooth and warm pussy. I couldn’t fight this anymore. “Fine.” I pushed my tip inside her, immediately gasping at how good I felt.

  “Nope.” She pulled me out again. “I want your word, Ryan.”

  “I always give you my word. Now let me come inside you.”

  She patted my cheek. “Good boy.”

  I moved inside her then fucked her hard, grunting and sweating. I felt disgusting and dirty, but when I came inside her, it was totally worth it. “Fuck yes!” I pressed my face into her neck while I finished. “Yes….yes.”

  When I was done, I caught my breath.

  Janice pushed me off her then pulled her coat on. “Your apology better be good.” She left the office without saying goodbye to me. I stood in front of my desk, my pants around my ankles—again.

  I met Monnique at a coffee shop after work. I didn’t want to apologize for my behavior, but it seemed important to Janice. And I couldn’t stand the way she was playing me anymore. I buckled under my knees when it came to her. I wanted to come inside her every night and whenever I fucking felt like it.

>   I hadn’t seen or heard from Monnique in weeks. Now everyone knew she and Cortland really weren’t getting back together. I was proud of Cortland for being strong and resisting her. He deserved to be with a loyal woman, not someone who ran off over something stupid and idiotic. But I did feel like a hypocrite for feeling that way. Because Janice could do the same thing and I would take her back before she even opened her mouth. But I wasn’t nearly as strong as Cortland.

  When I walked inside, she was sitting in the back. I didn’t bother ordering a drink. I just wanted to get this over with.

  “Hey,” I said when I sat down.

  “Hi.” Her face was unreadable.

  “I wanted to apologize for being a dick to you.”

  “I appreciate that.”

  “I was just upset—”

  “You don’t need to explain yourself. I know Cortland is your best friend. If anything, I’m glad you have his back.”

  I wasn’t expecting that. “Oh.”

  “But I would like one thing from you.”

  “What?”

  “Cortland and I aren’t getting back together, but I’m still close with Scarlet and Janice. I would really like it if we could be civil to one another. You got what you wanted, so I don’t see the need for your hostility anymore.”

  I nodded. “You’re right. My behavior is childish. I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay. So, we’re okay?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Good.”

  I saw Monnique in a different way. She was so calm and professional. It was like she was a different person. “How are you…?”

  “I’m fine. I’m seeing someone.”

  “What?” I blurted. “What about Cortland?”

  “What about him?” she said simply. “He doesn’t want to be with me. I can’t force him.”

  “But…I’m just surprised you moved on.”

  “What else should I do?” she asked.

  “I don’t know… I guess I’m surprised you gave up so easily.”

  “Cortland turned me down three times. I think he made his decision pretty clear.”

  Wow…this was really happening. “Who’s this new guy?” I wasn’t sure why I cared.

  “He’s a pediatrician. We met at work. After a few dates, we became serious. “

  “Oh.”

  “So, you should be happy.”

  “I guess…”

  The tension settled in the air. I wasn’t sure why it bothered me so much. I guess I wanted her to be alone for the rest of her life for retribution for what she did to Cortland…but that was ridiculous.

  She didn’t ask if Cortland was seeing anyone but I felt obligated to tell her. “Cortland isn’t seeing anyone…”

  “He should give Hazel a chance. She’s a beautiful girl.”

  What the fuck? “How can you be so calm about this? It’s like you don’t even love him anymore.”

  “Ryan, why are you so upset? Do you want me to mourn Cortland forever? I want him to be happy. I’m obviously not good enough for him, but I want him to find someone who treats him right. And I know he wants me to be happy.”

  “I don’t know…”

  “Victor is a great guy. He’s a few years older than me but he’s a gentleman, and takes care of me.”

  “Do you love him?” I blurted.

  She didn’t react in any way. “My feelings for my boyfriend are personal.”

  Was that a yes?

  She stood up and grabbed her purse. “It was nice seeing you, Ryan.”

  “Wait.” I stood up. “If you’re over Cortland, why are you still in New York? Why didn’t you go back to Seattle?” I guess I had some weird, twisted hope she still loved him.

  “I like it here. And I can’t leave Victor. We might move back to be closer to my family in the future.” She waved. “Bye, Ryan.”

  I stayed rooted to the spot, unable to process what just happened.

  I went to Cortland’s apartment and banged on his door. He opened it, the sound of the TV loud in the background.

  “What’s up?” he said.

  I came in and saw Scarlet and Sean on the couch. Scarlet was leaning against his chest while Sean drank a beer.

  Cortland looked at me. “You okay, man?”

  “Yeah…”

  He studied my face.

  “I need to talk to you…I don’t know how to tell you this.”

  Scarlet turned off the game. “Is everything okay?”

  I ran my fingers through my hair. “Umm…I don’t know.”

  Cortland clapped my shoulder. “You’re scaring me, man. What’s up?”

  “Well, I just talked to Monnique.”

  “Is she okay?” Cortland asked immediately.

  “Yeah, she’s fine,” I said. “It’s nothing like that.”

  Cortland breathed a sigh of relief.

  “She’s…seeing someone.”

  Cortland stared at me but didn’t react. Silence filled the air. I couldn’t read his expression. I couldn’t tell if he cared, if he was hurt—nothing.

  “She is?” Scarlet asked. “Who?”

  “His name is Victor. I guess he’s a doctor that works at the hospital.”

  “Victor?” That’s all Cortland said.

  “I didn’t know if I should tell you…” I ran my fingers through my hair. “But I guess it doesn’t matter, right?”

  Cortland moved to the couch and sat down. His face was blank. “She’s already seeing someone…?”

  I sat down next to him. “She told me you rejected her three times. So she decided to let you go.”

  Cortland nodded.

  “But she said she wants you to be happy. And she knows you feel the same way about her.”

  He rubbed his palms together. I didn’t know what he was thinking.

  “Well, they’ve been broken up for four months,” Scarlet said. “And you haven’t spoken for a month.”

  Cortland still didn’t speak.

  “You okay, man?” I asked. “This is good, right?”

  “Yeah.” His voice came out weak.

  We huddled around him and fell silent. There was nothing left to say. Cortland would have to deal with this on his own. No matter how much time had passed, he would still feel broken. Even if he were married, the knowledge would still hurt. She was the love of his life and she would always be.

  15

  Cortland

  I was numb.

  Monnique was with someone else now. She was fucking someone else every night. She moved on and she was happy. They went out to dinner together on the weekends. He complimented her appearance and made her feel beautiful. He walked her home after their dates. He may even love her…

  Did she love him? What was he like? What did he look like? How old was he? If he was a doctor, he must be older than her. Was she happy?

  After everyone left my apartment, I sat on my couch. The TV was off and all I could hear was the sound of my own breathing. All the lights were off because I wanted to hide from the world. I just couldn’t believe she was seeing someone…

  I hadn’t even thought about being with someone new. The idea was too hard to even contemplate. Hazel was a beautiful girl with an awesome personality. She offered to have sex with me, no strings attached. But I couldn’t do it. I loved Monnique too much to be with someone else.

  How could she move on? Should I be angry? I did reject her repeatedly. I did say we were over forever. What else would she have done? Mourned me forever, carrying a vigil of me in her heart until the end of time? No. Of course, not.

  When I imagined a fictitious man kissing her, it made me sick to my stomach. I didn’t want anyone to touch her but me. What if she married this guy? What if she wore a beautiful white dress and married him in a chapel. She moved on and had kids with him? She wouldn’t be mine. She would belong to someone else. I would have no claim on her.

  The knowledge almost made me break down. It was worse than when she left me. The finality dawned on me. We were r
eally over. Forever.

  But I didn’t want to be.

  I grabbed my keys and left the apartment.

  When I stopped at her door, I took a deep breath. What the fuck was I doing? What was I going to say? I didn’t even know why I was here. How long had she been dating this guy? For a month? That was a long time to spend with a single person. When I imagined her legs wrapped around some guy’s waist, it made me nauseated. She moaned and dug her nails into his back.

  God, it hurt.

  My hand automatically tapped on the door, out of my control. The sound reverberated in the hallway. It pounded in my ears. I was suddenly aware of my beating hard. It thudded in my chest like it would give out at any moment. My palms started to sweat.

  Monnique opened the door, her face passive. She wore yoga pants and a baggy sweater. Her hair was pulled back and her skin was free of makeup, but she still looked drop-dead gorgeous. I wondered if she was alone in the apartment.

  I didn’t say anything. Now that I was here, I felt stupid.

  She stared at me, waiting for me to say something.

  We were both at a stalemate, neither one of us willing to take the first step.

  “Hi,” I finally said.

  “Hi.” Her voice was quiet.

  When I looked at her, I felt all the pain convulse in my heart. I imagined someone else’s lips on her throat. My throat. I imagined her quiet sighs when he pleased her. The sounds she used to make for me. She wasn’t mine anymore. “I don’t want you to be with anyone else but me.” The words flew out of my mouth. I had no control over them. It just happened.

  Monnique didn’t react. She stared at me, still on her side of the door.

  I wasn’t backing down this time. I should have taken her back when I had the chance. I made a mistake. Now I realized what I lost. She said she was sorry, and I was willing to work on the relationship with her. It was better than her ending up with someone else. I couldn’t let that happen. I stepped inside then hooked my arms around her waist. I kissed her like I never had before. My hand cupped her face and my lips said what I should have been saying all along. That I loved her. She kissed me back, her breathing filling my lungs.

  I gave into my passion and longing and kissed her like I wanted to for the past four months. Every night I dreamt of this kiss. Every day, I fantasized about it at work. I wanted her in my arms and I wanted her to stay there. Only I would be between her legs. She belonged to me.