A Cousin's Prayer

by Wanda E. Brunstetter

  Loraine turned down the gas on the stove and took a seat at the table. “I’ve been telling myself that, too. As Wayne said last night, ‘God knows our needs, and for whatever the reason, He chose to take our boppli to heaven.’”

  Mom placed the rest of the dishes on the table and sat across from Loraine. “No one ever said life would be easy, but if we keep God in the center of our lives, with His help, we can make it through.”

  Loraine nodded. “That’s the only way for me.”

  A knock sounded on the back door, and moments later Ella stepped into the kitchen.

  “Sorry I didn’t get over here sooner, but Mama came down with a bad cold, so Charlene and I have had to take over all the household chores.” Ella handed Loraine a paper sack. “I baked you a loaf of friendship bread, and there’s a scripture verse attached to the plastic wrap.”

  “Danki, I appreciate that.” Loraine opened the sack and removed the bread. Then she read the verse out loud. “‘And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.’ Romans 8:28.”

  Tears welled in her eyes. “Mom and I were just talking about how God knows our needs. This scripture verse goes along with that.”

  Mom gestured to a chair. “We won’t be eating for another half hour or so. If you have the time, why don’t you sit and visit with us awhile?”

  “Sure, I’ve got a few minutes to spare.” Ella offered Loraine a sympathetic smile. “How are you feeling physically?”

  “I’m doing okay. Since I came home from the hospital, Mom’s been coming over every day to fix our meals. She’s also done the laundry and some cleaning, so I’ve been able to rest a lot.”

  “That’s good. Rest is what you need right now.” Ella gave Loraine a hug. “I’m real sorry you lost the boppli. It must be very disappointing.”

  Loraine swallowed around the lump in her throat. “It is, but Wayne and I are trusting that God will allow us to have other bopplin in the future.”

  ***

  “Are you feeling naerfich?” Freeman asked as he helped Katie out of the van.

  She shook her head. “Not so much. I appreciate your riding with me, though. I was trying to be brave when I asked Mom to stay home, but I don’t think I could have gone to my counseling session alone today.”

  “I’m glad to do it.” Freeman stuck his head into the van. “Can you pick us up in an hour and a half?” he asked Mary Hertz, their driver. “I think we should be ready to go by then.”

  Mary nodded. “I’ll be waiting right here when you come out.”

  As Katie walked to the building, she noticed that she felt a bit more confident than she had last week. Something about being with Freeman made her feel a sense of calm.

  She was surprised when Freeman held the door and let her walk in first. No one had done that for her since Timothy died.

  They took seats in the waiting room, and Freeman found a magazine to read. A few minutes later, Katie was called into the counselor’s office. She glanced at Freeman, and he gave her a reassuring smile. Drawing in a quick breath, she stepped into Dr. Coleman’s office.

  He motioned to the chair on the other side of his desk, and she took a seat.

  “How did your week go, Katie? Did you have any anxiety attacks?”

  She shook her head. “I don’t understand why I have them at certain times and not others. Or for that matter, why I started having them in the first place.”

  “There’s no set time for an anxiety attack to occur, but they do seem to happen more often when a person’s under a lot of stress. Panic onset can be caused by many things, such as the death of a loved one or trying too hard to please someone.”

  Katie nodded. “I felt depressed after my boyfriend died, but the panic attacks didn’t start until I left Florida and came home.”

  “Is there someone you’re trying too hard to please?”

  “I ... I don’t think so. Well, maybe my folks, but it’s always been that way.”

  “You’ll need to work on that, Katie. We can’t always please other people, and you can stress out if you try too hard.”

  Katie sat staring at her folded hands as she mulled things over. “Where do your panic attacks seem to happen the most often?” he asked.

  “When I’m riding in a car or our buggy. They’ve also happened when I’m in a stuffy room with a lot of people.” Katie smoothed the wrinkles in her dress, a nervous gesture she’d had since she was a young girl. “Do you think I’ll have panic attacks for the rest of my life?”

  He rested his elbows on his desk and smiled at her. “Take heart, Katie. You can recover from panic attacks; it’s just going to take some time and a lot of patience on your part. There are several things you can try, and it may take awhile before you find one that works best for you.”

  Katie gripped the edge of her chair. “Another thing I don’t understand is how come the panicky feelings make me feel like everything’s unreal.”

  “You mentioned that in our last session. Is it sort of like you’re dreaming?”

  “Kind of. It’s hard to describe. I get this warm prickly sensation, and then it’s as though nothing seems real anymore.” She shivered, remembering the fear she’d felt the last time she’d had an attack. It had left her feeling confused and shaky for nearly an hour.

  “Have you made any changes in your daily routine in order to avoid having another panic attack?” Dr. Coleman asked.

  She nodded. “I look for excuses not to go places, and the thought of driving the buggy by myself makes me feel like I’m going to throw up or even faint. After passing out in church not long ago, I’m afraid to go there, too.”

  “Do you force yourself to go places?”

  “Sometimes. Church is one of the places where I make myself go, but it’s getting harder all the time. I have trouble concentrating on the service because I’m so afraid that I’m going to feel panicky again.”

  “Fear of a potential attack can almost paralyze a person,” Dr. Coleman said. “Struggling against the fear is like trying to put out a fire with a can of gas.”

  Katie reached into the canvas tote bag she’d brought along. “One of my friends gave me this.” She placed the book Freeman had given her about panic attacks on the counselor’s desk. “It’s the book my mother was telling you about last week. And my cousin gave me this.” She handed him the article on tapping that Loraine had given her.

  Dr. Coleman read the article and scanned through the book. “I’m familiar with the things mentioned in this book. It has many good points that we’ll be talking about here, and you can put them into practice right away. I’m not that familiar with the tapping method, but you’re welcome to try it. Before you leave today, I’ll give you a few other things you can try, as well.” He folded his hands. “Of course, you also need to trust God and ask Him to calm your heart and give you a sense of peace as you practice the things I’m going to suggest.”

  Katie frowned. “It’s my feeling of fear that keeps me from trusting God.”

  “It’s your choice to trust in God that will change your feelings of fear,” he said, motioning to the Bible on his desk. “Remember this: The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith, and the end of anxiety if the beginning of faith.”

  Katie nibbled on her lower lip as she fought against the urge to chew her nails.

  “Is there something else bothering you?”

  “I think one of the reasons I feel so anxious is because I can’t forgive myself for causing the accident that killed my boyfriend.”

  “What makes you think you’re to blame?”

  “A bee got in the van, and I freaked out. Our driver turned around to see what the commotion was about, and he lost control of the van.” Katie blinked against the tears stinging her eyes. It was hard to talk about that day.

  “You’re not to blame for the accident, and you shouldn’t let yesterday’s regrets or tomorrow’s anxieties get the best of you. You need
to give them over to God.”

  Katie wasn’t sure she could give anything to God, because ever since the accident, she’d been mad at Him for letting Timothy die.

  Dr. Coleman picked up the Bible. “Before I give you some breathing exercises to do this week, I’d like to read you a verse of scripture found in 2 Timothy 1:7.” He opened the Bible and read the verse out loud. “‘For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.’” Then he wrote the verse on a slip of paper and handed it to Katie. “If you memorize this, you’ll be reminded that God doesn’t want you to be fearful. He wants you to get well, Katie.”

  Katie swallowed around the lump in her throat. “I ... I want that, too.”

  ***

  Freeman glanced at the clock above the receptionist’s desk. Katie had been in with the counselor almost an hour, so he figured she should be out soon. He hoped the counselor would be able to help Katie get her panic attacks under control soon. On the other hand, if she recovered quickly, then she wouldn’t need him anymore. He didn’t know why that thought bothered him so much. Was it because, like Fern often said, he liked to fix broken things? Or was he drawn to Katie for some other reason? He had been interested in Katie when they were children, but that was a long time ago, and she’d been a different girl back then.

  Guess it really doesn’t matter, he thought as he turned to look out the window. Katie’s still pining for Timothy and has no interest in me. Besides, I’m supposed to be courting Eunice. Despite my irritation with her at times, I must admit that I’m physically attracted to her.

  ***

  As Eunice pedaled her bike up to Freeman’s shop, excitement welled in her soul. She knew she probably shouldn’t come over here so often, but she couldn’t seem to help herself. From the way Freeman often looked at her, she was sure he was interested in her. She definitely liked him.

  Eunice found the Closed sign on the shop door. Disappointed, she glanced at her watch. It was nearly three o’clock, so Freeman wasn’t out for lunch. Maybe he’d had an errand to run or had gone to pick up some parts.

  Guess I may as well stop at the house and see if Fern’s at home. Eunice climbed back on her bike and pedaled up the driveway. She found Fern sitting under a maple tree in the front yard with a basket of mending in her lap.

  “Are you too busy to visit?” Eunice asked as she rolled her bike across the lawn.

  “I’m never too busy for you.” Fern smiled and motioned to the house. “Grab a chair from the porch and bring it over.”

  Eunice parked the bike near the porch, picked up a chair, and hauled it over to the tree. “Whew, it’s another warm day, isn’t it?”

  Fern nodded. “That’s why I’m doing my mending out here. It’s too warm in the house, and I’m sure not looking forward to cooking supper this evening.”

  “Maybe Freeman will take you out to eat,” Eunice said as she took a seat.

  Fern shook her head. “I don’t think so. Thanks to Katie Miller, my bruder will be working late tonight.”

  Eunice puckered her lips. “What’s Katie got to do with Freeman working late?”

  “She had an appointment with one of the counselors at the mental health facility in Goshen, and Freeman went along as moral support.” The tiny lines in Fern’s forehead deepened when she frowned. “Seems like fixing bikes isn’t good enough for my bruder these days. He’s got it in his head that he can help Katie get over her panic attacks.”

  “Do you think he can?” Eunice asked.

  Fern shrugged. “I don’t know, but I think he’ll keep trying as long as he thinks Katie needs his help.”

  Eunice bit her bottom lip until she tasted blood. Every time she turned around, Freeman was with Katie. It had to be more than him just trying to fix her problems. Katie was probably trying to win Freeman’s heart.

  If I don’t do something about this soon, it might be too late, she thought. I need to come up with some way to make Freeman spend more time with me and less time with Katie.

  CHAPTER 35

  June quickly slipped into the more humid days of July and August. Katie was still plagued by panic attacks, but as Freeman continued to accompany her to the counseling sessions, she found herself drawn to him and wishing that he might see her as more than a friend. He’d dropped by the stamp shop several times and had come over to the house some evenings just to visit. Katie kept reminding herself that Freeman was going out with Eunice. He’d given no indication that he felt anything for Katie other than friendship, and if he ended up marrying Eunice, then the friendship he and Katie had now would be over.

  Katie wondered if Freeman might see her as more than a friend if she were prettier and more outgoing like Eunice. Or maybe he’d be attracted to her if she was emotionally stable and didn’t have panic attacks.

  As Katie sat in Dr. Coleman’s office one afternoon, she told him that she was getting impatient in her search for something that would put an end to her panic attacks and that she was about to give up.

  “We’ve talked about this before, Katie,” he said. “Impatience shows a lack of faith. You must be willing to tell God that you surrender your will to His and that you’ll trust Him and not lose heart. When we ask God to do something, we often want to tell Him how and when to do it. We want it to be done our way. In the end, though, it must be God’s will, not ours.”

  It sounded so easy, but Katie had never felt close enough to God to surrender her will to Him. She didn’t tell Dr. Coleman that, though. Instead, she sat with her hands folded, staring at the floor.

  Dr. Coleman handed her a slip of paper. “Here’s another verse for you to memorize and use whenever you start to doubt. ‘What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee.’ Psalm 56:3.” He smiled. “As you practice some of the suggestions I’ve given you, trust the Lord and visualize Him helping you.”

  Katie swallowed hard, hoping she wouldn’t break down and cry. If only it were that simple.

  “Have you been keeping a panic journal like I suggested?” he asked.

  She shook her head. “I’ve written down a few things, but I usually forget.”

  “I believe it will help if you write down where you were and what was happening during an attack, then record your level of discomfort, the thoughts you had, and your behavior during the attack.”

  “I’ll try to do better with that.”

  “What about the breathing techniques I asked you to try? Are you practicing them regularly?”

  She nodded. “I have been doing those, and I’ve been trying to relax the parts of my body that are the tensest during a panic attack.”

  “Are you making yourself do things that frighten you, or are you still avoiding them?”

  “I ... I’m avoiding them whenever I can, and I get nervous just thinking about going anywhere alone.”

  “The goal of exposing yourself to the things that frighten you is to bring on an attack so you can practice responding to it in a more comfortable way.”

  “That sounds hard.”

  “It won’t be easy at first, but it’s important for you to acknowledge your urge to flee, yet stay in place and work through the panic attack.”

  Katie clenched and unclenched her fingers. Just thinking about an attack made her feel as if she could have one right now.

  “Have you tried getting angry at the attacks—talking back to them, telling them to do their best?”

  “No, I haven’t tried that yet.”

  “Have you taken the horse and buggy out alone?”

  “I’m too scared to try driving the buggy alone. The last time I took it out by myself, I had a very bad panic attack.” Katie shuddered, and tears blurred her vision. “Now I’m afraid of losing control.”

  “Maybe it’s time for you to try some medication to help you feel calmer.”

  “I don’t want that.”

  “Why not?”

  “I’m afraid I’ll become dependent on it or that it’ll make me feel sleepy.” She blotted the
tears on her cheeks and sniffed. “If at all possible, I want to do this without medication.”

  He stared at the notes on his desk. “What about the homeopathic remedy you said your mother got from the health food store? Have you tried taking that to see if it makes you feel calmer?”

  She shook her head.

  His eyebrows furrowed as he leaned forward and looked at her intently. “Do you want to get better, Katie?”

  She stiffened. “Of course I do!” She couldn’t believe he’d even asked her that question.

  “Then you need to practice the things I’ve suggested, and if you’re not going to let me prescribe some medication, I want you to try the homeopathic remedy.” He glanced at his watch. “Our time is up for today, but when you come back next week, I’ll expect a progress report.”

  Feeling as though she’d been thoroughly scolded, Katie gave a quick nod and hurried from the room.

  ***

  When Katie stepped out of the counselor’s room, her head was down and her shoulders were slumped. Freeman knew immediately that she was upset. He was tempted to ask how it had gone but decided that if Katie wanted to talk about it she would. It might upset her more if he pressed for details.

  Freeman opened the door for Katie, and they walked silently across the parking lot.

  “How’d your appointment go, Katie?” Mary Hertz asked when they climbed into her van.

  “Okay,” Katie said with a shrug.

  Freeman hoped Mary wouldn’t question Katie further, and he decided to try to get her talking about something else. “Did you get some shopping done?” he asked.

  Mary shook her head. “Decided there wasn’t anything I needed right now, so I stayed in the van and got caught up on my reading.” She lifted a copy of The Budget newspaper. “I read several of the articles written by various Amish scribes around the country. Many related to accidents that had occurred last month.”