Jagged Edges

by Denise Bower

  “Nothing about these last few weeks has been healthy. But I still don’t want to talk about it.”

  “It’s not that simple, and you know it. But since you asked so nicely, I’ll let you off the hook today.”

  I groaned and waved him away, thankful for the reprieve that I knew wasn’t going to last. I pulled a towel from the pile, sat down, and draped it over my face. A wave of exhaustion flowed through my body, and I wished I could go home and hide from the world. But it was time to hit the ice with Sawyer’s kids. Some of them would be leaving for sections, including Shelby, and they all needed extra time to work on their programs.

  My phone beeped, and I quickly rose to change clothes for my next round on the ice. All the activity was making my brain numb. I didn’t know whether to be thankful or angry.

  Sawyer acknowledged me with a nod and pointed at a group of kids working on spins.

  A few of the kids tried to interact with me, but I couldn’t fake happy anymore. I growled and instructed them to work harder, telling them this wasn’t the time to mess around. Shelby stayed on the other side of the ice.

  “Doll,” Sawyer said sternly.

  “Dude,” I answered.

  “Take it easy on my minis. They are not hardened Olympic competitors yet.”

  “Sorry,” I mumbled. “Can you excuse me? I need a break.” I skated away before he could answer. I leaned against the boards and closed my eyes, listening to the scratch of blades cutting into the ice.

  Soon music filled the arena and I relaxed enough to watch. After each completed program, the kid left the ice and sat on the benches to shout encouragement to the other skaters.

  Sawyer poked me in the thigh. “Do you still want to skate or do you want to go home and cry in your bag of cheese balls?”

  I snorted. “I have no food at home. In fact, I have nothing at home, so I think I’ll skate.”

  He dismissed his charges, telling them to do some stretching and get a good night’s sleep.

  “We leave tomorrow at exactly eleven. If anyone is late, I will not wait for you.”

  Shelby barely acknowledged me. I wanted to reach for her, tell her I was sorry for something I didn’t really understand, but she disappeared down the tunnel before I could form a sentence.

  Sawyer poked me again.

  “Are you listening to me? I put a call into the USFSA and actually spoke to the head honcho. He was quite intrigued with my request. I had to tell him I was your coach.”

  I nodded and busied myself by tightening my laces.

  “You okay?”

  “No.”

  He jumped the boards, waiting for me to add to our conversation. I ignored him and stepped on the ice.

  “Okay, then let’s do some work,” he said.

  We spent the next two hours going through every jump and spin in the USFSA rulebook. We discussed programs, music, and the competition until I was so exhausted I could barely hold my eyes open.

  “Let’s call it a day,” Sawyer said. “I need to pack, and I’m interviewing an assistant over the phone. God, I didn’t think I’d need help so early. I’m not prepared.”

  Panic rose in my throat because I didn’t want to go back to my empty apartment, but then I remembered I had neglected my real job.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow,” I said and headed down the tunnel in search of Hank. I found him unloading the dryer.

  “Need help?” I asked.

  “Thanks,” he said and rolled the cart to the table where we folded laundry. “How long do I have to tiptoe around you?”

  “You don’t.”

  “What happened between you and Murph? Rumors are running rampant. You should set everyone straight.”

  “Jeesh, you don’t mess around. Nothing happened. He’s gone. I don’t think he ever belonged here.”

  “Not much of an answer,” he mumbled but didn’t ask me any more questions.

  When the laundry was folded, I headed into the kitchen to make sure it was stocked. I spent about an hour in my office, cleaning up a pile of paperwork for Margo. I thought about going back on the ice, but I needed to eat and get some rest.

  Knowing that my fridge was probably empty, I stopped at a restaurant and ordered some chicken and a salad. I almost ate my food in the parking lot. It took all my effort to drag my weary bones up to my apartment.

  I cleared a small space on my table and ate my meal. I had been promising myself to clean up my apartment but I didn’t have the ambition. The only thing I managed was to jam my bedding into the dryer.

  I sat in the living room, staring at the gigantic mess that was my life. When the dryer buzzed, I gathered my bedding, made the bed and went to sleep.

  I had hoped to sleep longer, but I woke at three in the morning, tossed the blankets aside, and headed back to the arena.

  Halfway through my short program, I broke down and started to cry. The pressure of the last day crushed the air out of my lungs and soon I was sobbing and gulping for air.

  With no hope of getting anymore skating done, I walked down the tunnel and fell asleep on one of the massage tables with a pile of towels covering me.

  “What the hell, Vika?”

  “Fuck, Hank, turn the lights off,” I said with a gravelly voice. “Please.”

  “Get up. The guys will be here soon,” Hank said.

  I growled and rolled off my makeshift bed, sending the towels to the floor.

  “Fine,” I grumbled and stomped down the hall to take a shower.

  The shower helped clear the cobwebs from my brain but did nothing for my mood. When I tried to put on makeup, I questioned my sanity and considered calling someone to come cart me away.

  I went through the motions of preparing for my day. I managed to get it together enough to wish Shelby and the rest of the kids heading to sections good luck. Clare bravely gave me a quick hug. Shelby stared at me with watery eyes and then punched me in the arm before climbing into the van Sawyer had rented.

  Sawyer bounced on the balls of his feet as he herded the kids into their seats, asking everyone if they had their costumes and skates. “Look what I’ve become. I’m a bus driver and a wrangler of children. And believe it or not, I really love it,” Sawyer said as he hugged me. “Get it together, Vika. I want to see a smile on that face when we return.”

  I glowered at him and headed back into the arena.

  The next few days bled together. The only reason I knew it was a new day was the Ravens had a road game. Cam banned me from traveling with the team, citing I needed to get my shit together and to keep my bad mood from infecting everyone. I flipped him off and skated for two hours, hiding in the training room before Margo came searching for me.

  Sawyer called me to relay the results of the competition. Shelby had a small step-out on her combination jump but landed in third after the short program. Clare was leading the competition after skating an unblemished short.

  “It’s going pretty well. I’ve only suffered through two meltdowns and one small tiff between Clare and Ethan. Shelby still won’t tell me what’s wrong. One of Eddie Stone’s girls had a costume malfunction, so I had to drag out my needle and thread. It’s been an interesting few days. I miss you.”

  I grumbled and told him to wish the kids good luck.

  “You should call them,” he said.

  I hung up on him and turned my phone off.

  When the competition ended, Clare and Shelby had qualified for the US Nationals in the junior competition and Ethan had made it in the novice division.

  Alex was so excited for Shelby, he filled her room with balloons and ordered a huge box of cupcakes. He also arranged for the team to greet them when they arrived at the arena. The guys formed two lines and held up their sticks as the kids ran through the makeshift tunnel.

  I clapped and smiled, high-fiving the kids as they made their way into the arena. I turned to leave, but Cam cornered me and dragged me into the locker room.

  “Let me go,” I said. “I’m busy with
game day stuff.”

  He ignored me and forced me to sit, in of all places, Carter’s old stall. It took all my strength to keep the memories of Carter’s touch at bay.

  “This is an intervention,” Cam said. “You will sit quietly and listen to us or I will shove a dirty towel into your mouth. I will tell you when you may speak.”

  I quickly stood and tried to leave the room, but he grabbed my arm and forced me down. I opened my mouth to defend my actions but he immediately told me to shut the fuck up.

  “You are here to listen!” he shouted.

  He pushed open the door and several people filed into the room.

  “Sawyer, you have the floor,” Cam said.

  “Yes, sir, Captain. Thank you.” Sawyer cleared his throat and looked down his nose at me. “I’m sorry, doll, but you’ve been a world-class bitch since Murph left.” I winced when he said his name. “My kids are scared of you. Several are sure you are part rabid dog because you do nothing but growl at people.”

  I gaped at him, but he held up his hand to silence me.

  “Be that as it may, I have news from the USFSA. They have granted you an exemption. You are now entered in the United States National senior ladies singles competition to be held in three weeks in Kansas City.”

  “What?” several people shouted when Sawyer made the announcement. “Singles?”

  Shelby stepped forward and stared at me.

  “Say it again,” Alex said to Sawyer.

  “Er, she’s going to compete at Nationals,” Sawyer said. “I thought most of you knew we were going to try and get an exemption so Vika could compete.”

  “We all thought she was going back to skate with Viktor,” Alex said.

  Shelby swore and raced out of the room, leaving everyone stunned and silent.

  “What is going on?” I mumbled. “If you guys don’t want me to compete, I won’t. I’m sorry I haven’t spoken to anyone.” I glanced at Johan. “Things have been slightly crazy lately.”

  Johan cleared his throat. “I think there’s been a slight misunderstanding, but I’m behind you one hundred percent. I think it would be stupid for you to miss an opportunity to compete. We have no doubt you can still take care of this team and get ready for Nationals.”

  “I’m incredibly confused,” I said.

  “Be quiet,” Cam said. “Let me sort this out.”

  I bared my teeth at him and folded my arms over my chest.

  “I have to go get ready for the game. You guys let me know when everything is in order.” Johan rose and patted me on the shoulder before he walked out of the room.

  Cam scratched his head and glanced at Sawyer, who finally spoke. “Explain to them what happened the night Murph left.”

  Before I could say anything, Shelby returned to the room and sat down with a huff.

  “I’m not skating pairs,” I said. “Viktor already has a partner, and I have no desire to skate with him. We’re over. I’m going to compete in singles, which is totally insane.”

  “But Murph said….” Alex frowned.

  “He was mistaken,” I said. “And if the asshole would’ve stuck around, I would’ve told him.”

  “Well, okay then,” Cam said. “So what are you going to do?”

  “I guess I need a training schedule.”

  “Does that mean…?” Cam asked.

  “Yeah. I’m going back to Nationals.” I swallowed. “As a singles skater.”

  Sawyer and Alex shouted and fist pumped the air. Cam jogged to the door and yelled down the hall. “She said yes! She’s heading back to Nationals.”

  A loud whoop filled the air, and suddenly the locker room was overrun with Raven hockey players, all high-fiving me and shouting about being a good teammate. I welcomed their support.

  This was how the game was. People were always coming and going. It never stood still, and if you didn’t adapt, it would leave you behind or run you right into the ground.

  Just like life.

  “Did I miss the party?” Hank asked.

  “You’re not too late to yell at me. I deserve it for being a bitch these last few days,” I said.

  He made me scoot over so he could sit. “You should call Murph. Set things straight with him.”

  I leaned against him and rested my head on his arm.

  “I’ll think about it.”

  “I need a moment with her,” Cam said and cleared everyone out of the room with a wave of his hand.

  “I’m sorry,” I said. My voice cracked and I bit my lip hard enough so I could concentrate on the pain and not the emotions swirling around my head.

  Cam looked a bit lost, like he didn’t really know what to say to me. I was sure he wasn’t interested in letting me cry on his shoulder.

  “I’m sorry,” I said again.

  “Why are you apologizing to me?”

  “I don’t know what else to say?”

  “Vika, I’m pretty sure we’ve all had a bad breakup. I don’t know all the details, but it’s time to move forward.”

  “I think I could have dealt with a breakup. I screwed up, and he didn’t give me a chance to explain.”

  I leaned against him until he nudged me.

  “We have a game. I need to let the guys in to get dressed.”

  I grudgingly slipped out of the room and waved at the team to go inside.

  After a wonderful game, the team dragged me out and tried to get me drunk. I managed to avoid full-on drunkenness but had a terrible hangover in the morning. Hank laughed at me but was kind enough to supply me with several bottles of water, and we managed to scrape up enough fruit to make smoothies.

  The team had the day off, so I only had to deal with Sawyer and the kids.

  “You doing better today?” Sawyer asked.

  He touched my cheek, and I closed my eyes, letting him envelope me in a tight hug.

  “They all leave,” I muttered.

  “Oh, doll,” he whispered against my head. “What do you need?”

  “I think I’d like to skate.”

  “Put a show on for my minis,” he said. “Let them see what a great skater looks like.”

  I took the ice and Sawyer put on some song about love and hate that made my chest constrict. I glanced at him, and then I spied the youngsters leaning over the boards, wide-eyed and excited to watch me. They didn’t know about the ache in my heart, but maybe through my skating, I could make them feel my anguish. And so, I skated.

  The kids gave me a standing ovation and pretended to toss flowers to the ice. I took a deep breath, bowed, and forced a smile.

  “That was beautiful,” Clare said.

  “Thank you.”

  Shelby waited until Sawyer had sent everyone home to approach me.

  “I’m sorry I’ve been mad at you,” she said. “I know I had no right, but I thought you were going back with Viktor. And I know I shouldn’t stick my nose into your business, but you and Carter….” She furrowed her brow and lowered her gaze.

  “You could’ve asked, and I should’ve told you,” I said. “And anyway, what gave you the idea that I was going back to Viktor?”

  “I’ve been talking to Carter,” she said. “He said he saw you skate with Viktor. He’s pretending to be happy for you.”

  “It’s not an excuse, but I didn’t know Carter was there. I did skate with Viktor, and then I said goodbye to him. I think I earned the right to end things with him on my terms. Carter jumped to conclusions and just left.”

  “You should talk to him.”

  “He knows where I am,” I said.

  She snorted. “He said the same thing. Most of the time, I don’t understand adults at all.”

  Chapter 15

  I sat in front of my glass door, staring at the last of the snowflakes fluttering to the ground. For the past few days, it had snowed so much, I thought it was going to bury the entire city. I wanted to crawl into bed and hide from the world, but my mind was too full. I sighed and dressed. Maybe a quick skate would settle my br
ain.

  Shelby and I had our ups and downs over the next few weeks. She still wasn’t happy with me, and I didn’t know how to make things right with her. She’d come to the conclusion that I was in love with Carter and that I should tell him. It was a bit unnerving how easily she could see into my soul. And really, who falls in love in less than a month?

  She called me a stubborn shit before launching into a speech about not knowing if it’s the last time you’ll get to see that person. She’d burst into tears and stormed out of the arena, making me feel worse than ever.

  I tried calling her but she wouldn’t answer. When I banged on her door, Alex told me she was busy with homework.

  “Just let her be mad today,” he said. “She’ll get over it. If she doesn’t, I’ll try to reason with her tomorrow. Go home, Vika.” He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “I’m tired.”

  “Why do you have your coat on?” I asked him.

  “I’m cold,” he snapped and slammed the door in my face.

  I snorted and stomped back to my apartment to pout. Calling Carter was an option, but I didn’t know what the hell to say to the guy. I couldn’t just blurt out that I might be in love with him. Why was everyone so unreasonable?

  My phone rang and I stared at the screen. My dad’s name flashed, and for a split second, I thought about answering. He’d been calling for a few days, and I had yet to answer, but I wasn’t in the mood tonight. Once again, I let his call go to voicemail.

  I fell asleep watching a movie but woke up a few hours later feeling agitated. Going to bed was out of the question, so I grabbed my skates, waded through the snow, and uncovered my car so I could head back to the arena to try and skate away all my emotions.

  I was so absorbed in lamenting my current situation that I didn’t notice the lights were on in the arena until I was heading toward the ice. Whispered voices scared the crap out of me.

  “I told you she would show up,” a voice said.

  Someone grumbled.

  “Alex?” I asked. “Is that you?”

  “Unfortunately,” he growled.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “Ask her,” he said as Shelby stepped out from behind him.