Saving Us

by Ashley Johnson

  “What is this?” I know what this is, but I refuse to accept this reality in front of my face.

  Cory steps forward and my body freezes again. I can’t move. Cory’s face is unreadable and I know I have to be the one to do this. Slowly, I step forward and touch the cold sheet. As the sheet moves back, a cry escapes from my mouth and I drop the sheet. I sink to my knees as the sobs continue uncontrollably. Cory kneels down pulling me closer to him.

  “That can’t be him, I don’t believe it.” I cry.

  “I’m so sorry Sybil.” David whispers.

  I can’t speak. Speaking means this is real and I just saw Caleb’s dead body. Cory looks up with a tear stained face and stands to hug Lillian.

  I still can’t move off the floor. Everything has now changed and life as I know it, is never going to be the same. My entire world just shattered. I thought I was just coming to fill out paperwork for an accident but instead, I’m staring at my fiance’s dead body. When I finally get the strength to stand, I walk straight up to David and Lillian and hold them tightly. There are no words to describe the immense hole in my heart right now and the hurt I’m experiencing but, I have no clue how they are feeling. In this moment, I know one thing for sure. I’m never going to wake up beside Caleb again and I’m never going to be able to tell him how much I love him. In a matter of seconds he was gone and I wasn’t there to see him that last time. What was going on in his head to make this happen? His phone call suddenly made sense but at the same time it makes no sense at all. This moment will forever haunt me and I wish it was just a horrible nightmare but this is reality. He pulled the trigger and I had to identify his lifeless body. Caleb is gone, and a huge part of me followed him.

  Chapter 2

  Caleb has been dead for three days and today we are burying him. I have no idea how I’ve gotten through the past few days. It is hell seeing his parents go through this whole ordeal. All of us are baffled as to why Caleb took his own life. I’ve been staying with Megan and Cory. I can’t bear to be in that apartment knowing he lived there with me. I broke down just being in there to gather some clothes and personal belongings. I’d never survive in that apartment alone. I couldn’t do it no matter how hard I would try. He’s everywhere in there to me. There’s not a single thing in that apartment that doesn’t remind me of him. The whole apartment is tainted with things of ours.

  Megan accompanied me to the apartment this morning to find my dress for the funeral. This is one thing I never thought I’d have to do, not this soon anyway. My hands were shaky the whole time I dug through my closet. I’m in mourning but I refuse to wear black. I don’t want to look the typical part. I’m tired of the sympathetic looks although I know they’ll be in full force today.

  “What about this one?” Megan holds up a black and white Jessica Simpson dress that’s appropriate but Caleb picked it out for me a few months back when he came shopping with me. I can’t.

  “I can’t wear that one. He picked it out.” I say fighting back the tears.

  She immediately hangs it back up and searches some more through the closet. Numbly, I move towards her and my eyes land on a red dress hanging in the back of my closet. I grab the dress and hold it out in front of me. I remember the day I bought this dress, it was for our first anniversary. Caleb and I were supposed to go out to dinner but we never made it that far, we just stayed in and shared one of the most romantic nights together. It was a simple red dress that stops just above my knees. The straps are wide covering my shoulders entirely, it is a very subtle dress. Megan smiles kindly with approval as I dig in the bottom of the closet for the heels I have to match it. As soon as I am set, I begin walking out of the room with Megan on my heels. There’s no way I can stand to be in here any longer. It’s like I’m waiting for him to walk out of the bathroom or through the door, but nothing happens.

  Megan drives us back to her and Cory’s apartment that is maybe ten minutes from mine. Caleb’s parents offered me to stay with them. They have been like parents to me since Caleb and I have been together but I couldn’t bear to be in the house he grew up in. It’s bad enough they have to be. I don’t want them to see me break down every time I see a picture of him. I can’t imagine the pain they are going through. I know it’s worse than what I’m experiencing and I just can’t imagine that at all.

  “You know you can stay with us as long as you want, right?” Megan says as she pulls back into her parking spot. I give her a half smile before pulling myself out the car. The funeral is in two hours so I hurry to get myself dressed.

  Megan offers to do my hair for me and she pulls it up into a simple bun letting my bangs hang freely. I have waterproof mascara but I almost don’t put it on. In fact, I keep my makeup to a bare minimum because I know it’ll all be gone anyway. Cory is a mess as Megan helps him with his tie. His eyes are bloodshot. I know he’s been crying. After Caleb died, that evening we sat on their couch and tried our best to figure out what drew Caleb to that point. He obviously was hiding something from all of us, even his parents. I expected them to at least know something since he was their son, but they were just as far in the dark as we were.

  Megan drives us to the funeral home. This all seems so surreal. Last night at visitation was a nightmare. I broke down uncontrollably at the first sight of Caleb’s casket. There was no way to do an open casket and I’m kind of glad. I couldn’t have been able to handle looking at him without breaking down more. His Mom and Dad offered to let me help them with funeral arrangements since we were engaged, but I kindly turned them down. I knew they had all his best interests at heart and they would be able to get everything done without worrying about me. His casket is beautiful, I never thought I’d hear myself think those words. I just can’t stand to think of his body lying in there without an ounce of breath in it.

  Cory leads the way with Megan behind him. I’m slowly walking behind her tugging at my dress out of habit. “Cory, Megan,” Caleb’s mom Lillian says through tears.

  Cory pulls her in for an embrace holding her tightly as she sobs on his shoulders. “We’re here Mrs. Thomas. How are ya’ll holding up today?”

  She smiles sympathetically, “We’re holding up as well as can be expected. Where’s Sybil?”

  I move from Megan’s shadow and stand in front of my would be mother in law. I try to be strong, but break down as I hug her. She holds me tightly as she sobs, her body shakes against mine as I cry too. “I’m so sorry,” I tell her.

  “I know sweet girl, he loved you though. I know he did. Everything in him showed that.”

  She’s right. He never missed a minute telling me that. He was my prince charming and I miss him fiercely. His dad David comes walking up and hugs his wife before turning to Cory and I. He hugs Cory before pulling me in for a hug. I cling to him tightly before pulling away. I hate the looks I’m getting from friends and family. I hate this moment, I feel like I’m at the lowest point in my life. The service is scheduled to start in ten minutes, but I can’t bring myself to sit just yet. I break away from everyone and I walk up to his casket. I imagine him in there looking peaceful. I want to feel him one last time but I know I can’t. So instead, I trace my hand along the wood of the casket before slowly bringing it over the top. Pausing for a moment to catch my breath, my eyes shut as I take this final moment in. A tear falls down my cheek but I don’t stop to wipe it away.

  “I love you Caleb. Why did you do this?” I whisper. I stand there for a few more minutes not caring that his body is cold and lifeless inside. This is my Caleb, this is the last time I’ll ever get to be near him.

  Megan tugs gently at my arm breaking my thoughts, “Hey Syb, it’s time.”

  My eyes meet hers, tears unwelcomely stream down my cheeks. I’m not ready to let him go. She links her hand in mine and slowly leads me to the pew.

  I sit beside Lillian. Megan is beside me, while Cory sits with the other pallbearers. The funeral is beautiful. His mom holds my hand and I rest my head on her shoulder as I continue to cry
. My head is pounding from the tears that have not stopped but I don’t care.

  Cory has to ride with the pallbearers, so I ride with Megan. She holds onto my hand as we pull up at the cemetery. This is becoming all too real and I keep waiting to wake up, but I’m not. My eyes feel puffy and I’m tired of crying, but I can’t stop. None of us stick around for his casket to be lowered into the cold, dark ground. It’s everything I don’t want to see.

  I take a nap the minute we get back to the apartment. I don’t bother getting undressed, I just lie down and close my eyes. I’m exhausted emotionally and physically. After a three hour nap, I wake and find the headache has eased some. The apartment is quiet, so I grab my keys and slowly make my way out to Lillian’s car. I couldn’t stand to be near my car after he killed himself in it. His mom agreed to let me use hers until we figured something out. I climb in and turn the radio down to where all I hear is nothing but the road. Numbly, I drive to the cemetery. I find myself standing back in the same spot I was just hours ago but this time without the crowd. Without caring about this stupid red dress, I kneel down on the dirt and run my hand over his headstone. My Caleb is gone. My eyes close and the tears seep out. They soak my cheeks in an unforgiving manner. They fall out uncontrollably and I don’t dare try to stop them.

  “Why Caleb?” I sob, “Why did you leave me? Why wouldn’t you talk to me? I loved you so much, why?”

  I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting there on the ground when I feel an arm reach around me. I look up to see Cory sitting beside me, his eyes as puffy as mine. With one swift movement, I allow myself to fall into him and together we cry for the loss of our friend.

  “Why did he do it Cory?” I ask through my tears.

  “I wish I knew Syb. I really wish I did. How long have you been here? Megan was worried about you, but I knew where to find you.”

  “I honestly don’t know. I just had to be near him. I can’t believe he’s gone.”

  “Me either. I’ll never forget that day and I hate that. It’s always going to be there fucking haunting me.”

  I nod in agreement knowing he’s right. That day will never leave any of our minds. Ever.

  “Come on Sybil, let’s go grab a beer. I’ll call Megan to come meet us.” Cory reaches his hand out to me and I grab it. He pulls me up and wraps his arm around me leading me to my car. He climbs into his truck and I sigh letting a few more tears fall as I drive away from Caleb’s final resting place.

  ***

  The next day, my head is foggy from all the crying and the six beers I drank the night before. I also took a few shots and had to be carried out the bar, but I finally managed to not cry. Somehow the car ended up home. Not a clue how, but it’s here, thank God. I groan as I sit up. I shouldn’t have drank that much but I needed it, it managed to keep my mind off things. I reach for my purse grabbing a few Tylenol. They slide down my throat with ease and I pray they work soon. I get up and grab a pair of jeans and a shirt before going to take a shower. I sigh as the water runs over my body. When the water begins to turn cool, I turn it off and step out wrapping a towel around me. Once I’m dry, I dress myself and step back into the room.

  My phone has a missed call from Caleb’s parents. There is a voicemail from Lillian saying I should call them back as soon as I get the message. I draw in a deep breath as I call her back.

  “Sybil, I’m glad you called back. We found out a few things and we need to talk to you. It’s important.”

  “What is it?” I ask scared of what she may say.

  “Can you come over? I’d rather do this in person, if that’s ok with you.”

  I sigh knowing this is inevitable. I have to go over sometime. “I can be there in a few minutes.”

  “Thank you, Sybil. We’ll see you in a few minutes.”

  I hang up the phone and grab my purse and keys. Cory is awake and sipping on a cup of coffee nursing his hangover. He looks quite refreshed considering he drank me way under the table last night. “Where you off too Syb?”

  “Lillian called and said they found out some things so I’m going over.”

  “Can I come too?” he asks.

  “Yeah of course, where’s Megan?”

  “She had to go to the library to finish up some research for a paper her professor assigned the first day of class. I’ll text her and tell her where we are.”

  Cory follows me to the car and climbs in. My mind is trying to decipher what in the world his parents want to tell us. If it’s about Caleb, and I know it is, I’m scared. I don’t see though how he could have been in any sort of trouble and not told me about it. We were each other’s best friend and told each other everything.

  Chapter 3

  I’ve been to Caleb’s parents’ house plenty of times. We were over there at least once a week for dinner and every holiday was spent there. It feels so wrong pulling up to their house knowing Caleb is no longer here. My heart plummets as I slowly pull myself from the car. Cory is right behind me and squeezes my hand to reassure me it was good to come here. The perfectly manicured lawn that the magnolia tree sits on brings back too many memories. Memories that send tears straight to my eyes. Caleb and I sat under that tree many times during the day talking about our future. One Christmas evening, he made love to me under that tree. I’ll never forget how I felt in that moment, I’ll never forget how he made me feel. Ever.

  “I don’t want to walk in.” I tell Cory.

  He lets out a sigh, “I know, but we have to.”

  I look back to the tree one more time and let out a breath. I have to do this for myself and for Caleb. He wouldn’t want us to be constantly crying over him, but this is so damn hard.

  I close my eyes as I bring my hand up to knock on the door. Lillian opens the door and pulls me in for a hug. I have tried so hard not to cry, but one look at her and I can’t help it. This is the first time I’ve seen his mom without a single ounce of makeup on her face. She’s even wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt. This is such a change from how she normally looks.

  “Thank you for coming, Sybil.” She pulls Cory in for a hug and holds the door open allowing us inside. “Come in, we’re sitting in the living room.”

  I draw in a deep breath as I step into their home. I try not to look at the picture of Caleb and me in the wooden frame sitting on the shelf as we walk by. My eyes betray me though looking at it. Caleb’s arm is around me and we’re looking at each other. You can’t look at the picture and not see the love we had for each other. The urge to grab the picture and hold it against my chest comes, but I quickly dismiss it as we enter the living room.

  Mr. Thomas is sitting in his recliner looking down at a letter. He looks up as we step into the room. The look on his face is unnerving and my stomach immediately knots up. Cory and I sit on the couch side by side. He grabs onto my hand once more assuring me everything is ok, but I can’t shake this horrible feeling sitting at the bottom of my stomach. Mrs. Thomas sits on the couch closest to her husband and draws in a deep breath as she situates herself.

  The awkward silence is more than I can take. I try to take my mind off things but Mr. Thomas speaks. “I really wish we were meeting under better circumstances. These past few days have been hell on us all. The police stumbled across something in your car the other day and I feel you two, especially you Sybil deserve to know. What I’m about to show you isn’t easy to read. I’m going to let you read it for yourself.”

  What is he talking about? I knew they had a key to my car and probably wanted to get some of Caleb’s things. How had I not seen this? What had Caleb done? Mr. Thomas leans forward handing me the letter he holds in his hands. My hands are shaking as I grab the worn piece of paper. His wife chokes back a sob and my eyes meet hers trying to understand all of this. I so badly want to rewind time to a few days ago before all this chaos erupted in our lives. I want to go back to that morning with him. My hands try to hold the paper steady but I’m shaking so badly. Cory takes the paper and holds it for me holding it to where w
e can both read the black ink.

  I’m not sure how to go about saying this. Sybil, Cory...Mom and Dad….

  Just reading my name sends tears streaming down my face. I can imagine his voice and it’s killing me. I close my eyes blinking back the tears before beginning to read again:

  If you’re reading this, I’m gone. This isn’t how it was supposed to be. Mom and Dad, you’ve always supported me and given me everything I’ve ever wanted and needed. I wouldn’t be the man I am if it wasn’t for you. Cory, I can’t imagine having a different best friend. Shit, we got into so much together but I knew at the end of the day you are my go-to guy. Best friends forever. Please watch out for Sybil for me. Don’t be mad at me man, I never meant to do this.

  Cory drops the paper for a second and wipes his eyes. I hate the way this letter has started and nothing has been revealed yet. Cory steadies his hands before pulling the letter back up.

  Sybil, my beautiful Sybil. God, I love you more than the very breath I breathe. That day I met you was the best damn day of my life. I knew not long after that, you were the only one in this world for me. You have no idea how hard it is to write this, the thought of hurting you kills me. Please promise me you will only remember the good, please don’t hate me.

  Oh my God. I can’t focus on anything, my eyes won’t even stay open. My hand is clenching my chest as I struggle to find my breath. When he died, it took my breath away and I’ve been struggling to live. I don’t want to live without him, but I have to.

  “I can’t read this. It’s too much.” I sob.

  “I know its hard Sybil, but we have to read this ok? Caleb wanted us to read this.” I know Cory is right. Caleb wrote this just for all of us to read. He wrote every painful word.

  I look up at his parents and both of them give us weak smiles letting us know its ok.