Saving Us

by Ashley Johnson

  I managed to get myself into trouble. I know what ya’ll must be thinking, why didn’t I come to any of you for help? Truth is, I can’t. I’ve messed up big time and I refuse to drag ya’ll into it. For a few years now, I’ve dug myself further and further into debt. I didn’t realize how deep in I was until it was too late. I tried everything to fix it, even by taking some of your trust fund Sybil. I’m so damn sorry, I thought I could fix things and eventually put it back. I met a guy who said he could help me and it seemed to be a good idea. I could cover this up and no one would know, I had it planned out. But that’s where I went wrong. These guys are loan sharks and it didn’t matter how much I paid them back, the interest just kept going up. They threatened to come after me several times, I was scared. I couldn’t let anything happen to me or to anyone in my family. I paid back the portion for your trust fund Sybil but they wanted everything then, so I had to give most of it back to them. I made them promise me they would never go after you. This was my fuck up and you will not pay for it. I know it’s a matter of time before they show up for me. I’ve tried everything to keep them away but I can’t anymore. Me leaving, is the only way I can think of to handle this. I know this is going to hurt like hell but I can’t risk having any of you hurt. I’m so sorry I kept something like this from ya’ll. I’m sorry Mom and Dad for everything, I’m sorry you have to pick up the pieces of my mess. I’m sorry Cory for the pain I’ve caused you, please promise me you’ll look out for Sybil for me. Sybil, I’m so damn sorry I hurt you. Even in the grave, I’ll never be able to forgive myself for letting you down. I love all of you so much, please forgive me.

  Caleb.

  The letter falls lifelessly from Cory’s hands. Tears stream viciously down my face. Caleb had a problem and not a single one of us fucking knew about it. When did he even have time to do this? I feel betrayed, but I can’t be angry, I’m too sad to be angry. Because of all this, I lost my best friend and the love of my life. I don’t give a shit about the trust fund right now. I could care less about that money, I just want him back and that will never happen. Every time I think I’ve caught my breath, the sobs begin again. I wish I had never read this letter, I liked it better when I had no clue what had happened. Cory pulls me into him and lets the tears fall down his cheeks. My shoulder is soaked from his tears but I hold him as we continue to mourn the loss of our friend.

  “I’m sorry you two had to read that.” Mr. Thomas speaks up quietly.

  I look towards him and carefully reply, “How did we not know this?”

  “I don’t know Sybil. I would have helped him in every way I could if he had just come to me. I want to put the money back into your fund.” I know his father would have. His parents would have moved heaven and earth to help him.

  I suddenly hate having come here. This letter broke my heart completely but I don’t think any less of Caleb. He had a problem and he needed help. I try to think about how much deep he actually was, but I stop because I’d rather not think about it. My trust fund is nearly gone and I have nothing after that is depleted.

  “I don’t care about the money,” I whisper. “Do we need to worry about someone coming after us since he’s, since he’s gone.” I hate saying things like that. I hate thinking about him being gone, but he is gone and he’s never coming back.

  “I have no way of knowing that Sybil, but all we can do is be careful who we talk to that we don’t know. If I knew who he owed money too, I would pay it but I have no idea. I know this is a lot to take in.”

  Cory finally stops crying and stands up. He walks right over to Lillian and hugs her for what seems like an eternity. I stand also but to thank them for having us over. I can’t sit in this house another minute longer. Everything that I just read is eating me alive and I just want to go home.

  “I’m sorry to be so abrupt, but I think I want to go home. I’m sorry for leaving quickly, but this is just, it’s a lot.” I say quietly.

  Mr. Thomas pulls me in for a hug, “You know you are welcome here anytime Sybil. You are like a daughter to us. We will be safe, don’t worry. We love you.”

  “I love you too,” I whisper.

  Cory follows me to the door and pulls it behind us as we step out into the sunlight. The magnolia tree is straight ahead and I take off running towards it, not caring about Cory standing there on the steps. I throw my body onto the cool grass and sob uncontrollably. I reach out praying to touch Caleb but I know I can’t. I want to lay right here for the rest of my life and imagine him here. I want to go back to a time when things were innocent and carefree. How could he do something like this? How could he lose everything, take my money and then borrow money from a damn loan shark? How bad could it have been that made him take his own life?

  I don’t hear Cory sit beside me on the grass. I don’t know he’s even there until he wraps his arms around mine and pulls my head onto his lap. He gently strokes my hair and I close my eyes when one of his tears falls landing on my cheek. We stay there just like this for a while until his phone rings. Megan is wondering where we are, we’ve been gone for a while now. When he hangs up the phone, he looks at me and quietly whispers, “It’s time to go Syb.”

  “I can’t go, I don’t want to.”

  “I know. I can’t fucking believe this either, it’s just insane.” I nod my head yes. He leans down softly kissing my forehead. “He loved you so much, Sybil. He asked me to take care of you so I will. Anything you need, you ask me or Megan. We’re all in this together.”

  “We are. I just miss him so fucking much.” I cling to my chest, grabbing at my heart. “It hurts so bad Cory. It hurts right here, I don’t think my heart will ever heal from this. I can’t imagine anyone but Caleb ever owning it.”

  “I know. I’m so damn sorry. I miss him too, Syb. We’ll be fine, we’re strong.”

  “Do you think any less of him Cor?” I ask carefully.

  “Hell no. I wish he hadn’t taken that way out, but I will never think any less of him.”

  I decide to stand and Cory and I head to the car. Once we’re home, all I want to do is lock myself in the room. That’s exactly what I do, I lock myself away from Cory and Megan. I feel so lost and alone. I feel betrayed. A light knock at the door is the first time I’ve raised my head up since I’ve laid down.

  “Come in.” I call out numbly before remembering I locked the door. I unlock it and stalk back to the bed.

  “Hey Syb, we’re about to order a pizza. You want some?” Megan sits on the bed beside me slowly.

  “Sure, I guess I need to eat.”

  “Cory told me everything. Are you ok?” she asks cautiously.

  “I will be. It was just a lot to hear and I still can’t believe any of it.”

  “I know, I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Come out here with us, we’re all friends and we need to stick together.”

  She pulls me in for a hug. I don’t cry, my eyes hurt from crying. I’m cried out. “Thank you Megan. I don’t know what I would do without you and Cory. Please don’t let me burden you though.”

  “You could never burden us. Don’t you think like that.”

  “Will I ever get over this?” I ask with tear-filled eyes. So much for not crying anymore.

  Megan looks at my sympathetically. She brushes her hand through her hair before placing it on top of mine. “I don’t know. Honestly, I don’t know. I wish I could tell you.”

  These past few days have sucked. Everything in me was taken away and my fiancé had a secret no one would have ever guessed. Life goes on, it does whether we want it to or not. It’s up to me to pick up the pieces and get on with my life. Will I ever be able to move on? Probably not, but I’ll try my hardest.

  Chapter 4

  Five months later

  Everyday hurts just like it did that fateful day and every day after that. With time, some things have gotten easier but I still miss Caleb. I visit his grave at least once a week, although I like to go multiple times. Between Cory, Caleb’s parents an
d myself, his grave always has fresh flowers. With the support system I have, I was kept sane and unable to descend into a downward spiral. By some miracle, I managed to survive the semester without failing any courses. My teachers showed sympathy, although I didn’t want it. I hated seeing the looks like it just happened. It’s been almost half a year and I wish they would focus their attention elsewhere.

  Three months after Caleb’s death, I was finally able to walk into the apartment and not lose myself. It was then that I decided I was ready to live there again. For three months I lived with Cory and Megan and it’s been great. Without them, I’m not sure I would have been able to survive everything. They both questioned me thoroughly to make sure I was really ready to live in the apartment again. After some reassurance on my part, I was back in mine and Caleb’s apartment. The only thing that changed was I gave Cory almost all of Caleb’s old clothes. I kept several t-shirts to sleep in at night, anything to remind me of him. I kept every picture exactly where it stood, I doubt I ever change another thing in this apartment.

  A new semester starts tomorrow, I’m a little weary about it but I’m almost done. I can’t help but to think about the way the past semester started. Just five months ago, Caleb was here and we were cooking dinner together before heading out for the night. Now I’m alone finishing the small pot of alfredo for myself. I drain the noodles in the sink as I finish the sauce. Everything mixed together looks amazing and I can’t wait to dig in. I pour myself a glass of wine and sit alone on the couch flipping through the channels. I settle on the movie 27 Dresses. It’s older but I love it. I laugh and cry as I lay on the couch. My eyes feel heavy so I turn off the television and go to lay in the bed Caleb and I shared for years. His pillow remains in the same spot, cold and unused. Tonight, I grab it and hold it tight as I close my eyes and succumb to a peaceful sleep.

  ***

  Morning comes too quickly and I hit the snooze on my alarm several times before finally dragging myself out of bed. I’m silently cursing myself for scheduling an early class as I prepare my cup of coffee. I have two classes this morning before I head to the bookstore for the rest of the afternoon. I never had to want for anything when Caleb was alive. Not one single thing. He made sure I was more than taken care of and his parents tried to continue that, but I refused to burden them. I signed on to work at the bookstore this semester to attempt to put the money back into my account that Caleb had used. How hard can it be working at the bookstore? It can’t be more than making sure the books are in their right location and all the merchandise is set out for students to buy. I get a little bit of a refund off tuition, but that won’t even hardly put anything back that he took.

  It’s one of those mornings. I’m having a hard time finding something comfortable to wear so I settle on a pair of capris and a t-shirt from a local walk I participated in a few weeks back. Once I’m satisfied, I slide my feet into my sandals before I pull my hair into a low bun that sits right at the nape of my neck and apply just a small amount of powder and eyeliner. I smile at myself in the mirror giving myself the confidence I need.

  My phone dings and Megan’s name pops up. I grab the phone to read her message:

  Megan: Want to grab coffee before class?

  I immediately respond:

  Me: Sounds great, I’ll meet you in a few. Getting ready to walk out now.

  I grab my pink Jessica Simpson wallet and place it inside my backpack before heading out the front door. I walk right up to Caleb’s black 2011 Dodge Ram and unlock the doors. Right after his death, we weren’t sure what to do about his truck. I was driving his mom’s car for the time being because of the so-called accident. His dad took the truck back to their house for a while and on my birthday two months ago, they told me they wanted me to have it. I cried like a baby as I remembered all the times he and I had with this truck. I vowed to keep it forever.

  The truck roars to life and I slowly make my way towards campus. After several minutes, I finally park the truck and make my way towards the coffee shop. Megan is already standing outside and smiles as she sees me walk up.

  “Hey Syb! I thought we could use a first day of class pick me up.” She embraces me in a tight hug and I hug her back.

  “You my friend, are a genius. This was a great idea.”

  We walk inside and the coffee shop is buzzing with students who had the same idea. I order a French vanilla latte and savor the first sip. I can practically hear myself moan, that’s how good it is.

  “So what class do you have first today?” I ask Megan.

  “Ugh, I have Biology. I flunked last semester because I didn’t study enough. Cory said I should retake it now and just get it over with. I have to hit the books extra hard this semester or he isn’t going to let me go to 80’s night.” She’s pouting and I can’t help but laugh at her.

  They’ve continued to go to 80’s night, but I haven’t been since Caleb’s death. Megan tried a few times to get me to go. She even bought us matching pink leg warmers thinking she could woo me and she almost did. I just couldn’t bring myself to go. The memories are just too painful.

  “Whoa, Cory must be serious if he’s threatening 80’s night. Speaking of Cory, where is he this morning?”

  “Oh you know, he was smart and didn’t schedule an early class like us. His first class is at 11:00am. He is deathly serious. By the way, we’re going this weekend Sybil. You should come.” I shoot her some eyes begging her not to start this, but she dismisses the look and continues, “I know it’s hard for you but it’s a hurdle you have to get through. We’re going to be there too you know. Plus, I still have those matching leg warmers! They’re super cute by the way!”

  I roll my eyes at her. She’s completely insane. “I’ll think about it.”

  “What?!” she shrieks. “Did you just say you would think about it?”

  “Yes Megan, I said I would think about it. Don’t push it.” I laugh.

  She throws her hands up in surrender laughing, “I won’t push it, I promise.”

  “Let me get through the next few days and I will see. I start working at the bookstore this afternoon so who knows, I may be exhausted come the weekend.”

  “Oh yeah, you did sign up for that didn’t you? I forgot. Do you think you’ll like it?”

  I give her a half smile. “I hope I will. I need to make some money to put back in my account and something to do with my free time.”

  “Don’t you forget about me. I need some of that free time too missy.”

  Those five words, don’t you forget about me, bring me back to the morning Caleb killed himself. Quickly, I dismiss that fact and do my best to put a smile on my face.

  “I know,” I laugh. “Trust me, you are top priority. It’s not an all-night job. We’ll still have our dinner dates.”

  After I moved back into the apartment Caleb and I once shared, Megan made me promise to come over at least twice a week for dinner. It’s become a weekly ritual for us and once a week they come over to my apartment. Cory had a hard time in the beginning but he is getting better week by week.

  “That reminds me. Tonight is your night, we’ll be over at the usual time.”

  I almost forgot and I’m glad she reminded me. My mind quickly thinks to what I have in my freezer that I can cook for them. “Sounds great. I was thinking of making crawfish enchiladas. I have some crawfish tails in the freezer that I can pull out and everything else is in the pantry.”

  My mouth is salivating just thinking about it. I haven’t made them in forever, it’s been a while. “Hell yeah, that sounds good. Now, I can’t wait. Thanks Sybil.”

  “You know how I do.” I laugh. “Now, you’re stuck all day thinking about it.”

  We talk for a few more minutes before heading our separate ways to class. I have an education class this morning, better than biology like Megan. I can survive this first day of class. I can and I will.

  ***

  The first day of the semester is always quick. My first class was easy eno
ugh. Education classes aren’t too bad. I just have to go to a local elementary school and sit in for a few hours and get the teacher to sign off on my sheet. The next class, which is a form of American History, I learned can be taken online also if I couldn’t make it into class. I don’t trust myself with online courses, so I make a vow to attend every class. This way, I know I will do the work and be able to pass.

  I begin my walk to the bookstore, ready to get this so called work over with. I size the building up before mustering the courage to walk inside. I pull out the email I printed the other day with the name of the lady who is supposed to get me set up. I continue to walk as I study her name. Lydia Horn. That’s easy enough. My mind is everywhere but where it should be as I continue walking in the bookstore. I look up a little too late and run straight into the back of a tall stranger.

  The stranger turns around and flashes the brightest smile I’ve ever seen. A smile that tells me he could have whatever he wants. His eyes are the deepest blue, the kind of blue you see out in the middle of the ocean and his hair is short and light brown. He’s wearing jeans that hug him in all the right places and his black polo shirt leaves little to the imagination with how tight it is.

  “Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention.” I mumble trying to quickly look for an escape route.

  “It’s not every day a beautiful woman runs into me.” He smiles that smile again. Oh brother, get me out of here now. This is not the day and I am not in the mood. I’ve hardly paid attention to the opposite sex since Caleb, and I have no intentions to start now.

  An older lady with light blonde hair walks by and I immediately start up a conversation with her. “Excuse me, can you help me find Mrs. Horn? I’m supposed to start work today.”

  Tall, dark, and handsome turns basically putting himself into my conversation which I don’t appreciate at all. I wish he would just walk away and go mind his own business.