What Was Lost

by Jean Levy

  ‘Are you going to hypnotise me?’

  ‘Not for the moment. Just start by telling me again what you believe happened.’

  ‘And this is still not being recorded?’

  ‘No.’

  So I repeated the picture I had of my involvement that day, all the while wondering what Matthew was doing outside. Sam seemed to be writing notes throughout, so as soon as I’d finished, I asked him if what I had just said was consistent with my previous version.

  ‘Spot on,’ he said. But he looked troubled.

  Bob Gray leaned forward in his chair and inhaled deeply. ‘Sarah, you realise that we have no way of confirming these facts and that your knowledge of them depends entirely upon information gained from Matthew alone?’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘I mean that, given your current state of memory loss, you have no way of knowing whether any of it is true.’

  ‘Are you suggesting Matthew would lie?’

  I watched Dr Gray return to his desk to fetch the open folder. Sam shuffled awkwardly in his chair. Bob Gray walked back towards me, reading, his glasses balanced on the end of his nose.

  ‘I’ve just this morning been copied a report regarding Della Brown’s investigation of the events of last December. She states that you were convincingly ignorant not only of the events of the afternoon in question and of the circumstances which caused you to finish up where you were found, but also of your entire adult life to the extent that you have been rendered socially inept.’ He regarded me above his glasses. ‘I wouldn’t pay any attention to that last comment. However, she cautions that the involvement both of yourself and Matthew Parry on the day in question remains unresolved.’ He sat down beside me. ‘She has requested a further interview with you, in the presence of Dr Williams or myself. Specifically, to discuss Matthew.’

  ‘Do they suspect that Matthew moved my car?’

  ‘How do you know that Matthew moved your car, Sarah? In fact, how do you know your car was parked anywhere near your mother’s house? That you made that call?’

  ‘Matthew told me.’

  The police questioned Matthew about his whereabouts earlier that day and throughout the afternoon. They were keen to know when he had last seen Jeff Blake.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Because your husband’s business partner, Alex Harris, told them that Matthew had argued with Jeff Blake two days earlier and had struck him several times.’

  ‘Matthew hit my husband?’

  ‘According to Mr Harris, Matthew confronted Jeff over his persistent affairs. And it got out of hand.’

  ‘Has Matthew spoken to you about it?’

  ‘No. It has no bearing on your treatment.’

  I looked down at my lap. ‘You said we were going to try a session of hypnosis. Was that so that you could accuse Matthew behind his back?’

  ‘We needed to speak to you in private, Sarah. We are your physicians, but we are concerned not only about your medical recovery, we are also concerned about your safety.’

  ‘My safety?’

  ‘We must consider the possibility that Matthew has not been telling the truth. That you did not make that call and that your car was not parked where he said it was. And that perhaps Matthew has his own reasons for wanting you to believe you were at your mother’s house when the incident occurred.’

  ‘Why would he want that?’

  ‘To hide the fact that he was there himself.’

  Episode Forty-six

  So few words, yet they were enough to empty my life all over again. I closed my eyes. I could hear Bob Gray’s voice retreating into the distance, laughter further away than that. The cry of the gulls rising above the waves, lulling me to sleep. For a hundred years if necessary until everything about that day was far away and long forgotten. Even Matthew … I opened my eyes.

  ‘I want Matthew back in here now!’

  Bob Gray was still beside me. ‘Sarah, we have had to tell you these things.’

  ‘I know that, Dr Gray. I’m grateful for your candour but, since what you’ve just suggested bears such relevance to Matthew, I feel he should be here to defend himself.’ I got to my feet. ‘Either that or I will have to leave!’

  ‘Sarah,’ began Dr Gray, ‘we are concerned with …’

  ‘Matthew has not lied to me!’

  ‘He deceived you in order to re-establish your relationship.’

  ‘He hasn’t lied to me since.’

  ‘You cannot know that, Sarah. Matthew has no proven alibi for much of the day in question. A colleague, Mr Abercrombie, has stated that he joined him in Birmingham, and was with him until the late afternoon, but the police have not been able to substantiate this.’

  ‘Poppy? You think Poppy lied as well?’

  Sam shifted in his chair. ‘Sarah, if it’s any consolation, I don’t believe Matthew has lied, but we would not be behaving responsibly if we didn’t tell you these things.’

  ‘Have you been suspecting Matthew all this time? When you spent the evenings with us? Talked to us about falling out of trees. And about helping me get my memories back?’

  ‘No, of course not. We’re on your side, Sarah.’

  ‘I want Matthew back in here, now!’

  Without further comment, Bob Gray went out into the waiting area. Matthew followed him back into the room. He still looked pale. I hurried over to him. He put his arm around me, tried to make eye contact with Sam.

  ‘Is somebody going to tell me what happened?’

  Bob Gray started to explain. ‘We decided against hypnosis. In fact, that was not the reason we asked you to leave the room. We needed to speak to Sarah in private. To inform her of the various concerns that the police … indeed, that we as Sarah’s physicians …’

  ‘The police?’ Matthew exclaimed.

  I held my hand up to Dr Gray then pulled Matthew over to the far side of room and sat down next to him. ‘Apparently, the police suspect us both. You have no alibi for that day, other than one Poppy gave you, which hasn’t been confirmed. Because of this, Dr Gray felt it necessary to advise me that you might be inventing the story about my phone call and moving my car. To create a smokescreen, so that no one would think you were involved in what happened inside my mother’s house.’

  ‘But I wasn’t involved.’

  ‘Apparently, you fought with Jeff two days earlier.’

  Matthew caught his breath: ‘I … He found out about us. He was abusive on the phone. So I went over to reason with him. Outside his lock-up. He called you a slut, so …’

  ‘So you hit him? Do you often hit people, Matthew?’

  ‘No, I don’t.’ He sighed. ‘Just your husband and your neurologist. I told you the truth, Sarah. I was travelling back from Birmingham when you called. It had all happened by the time I got to your mother’s house. I found your car and moved it. It’s all true.’

  ‘You told the police you were with Poppy. Was Poppy at the book launch?’ Matthew looked over at Dr Gray, pushed his hand through his hair. I leant away from him in disbelief. ‘So Poppy lied about being with you!’

  ‘Poppy was supposed to come with us. But he called off and spent the two days grizzling in bed about some guy from Brazil who was two-timing him straight. He told the police he was with me so they’d stop pestering me when I was busy worrying about you.’

  ‘Us?’ I said.

  ‘What?’

  ‘You said “Poppy was supposed to come with us.” Who’s us?’

  Matthew wouldn’t look at me. ‘Lucy was there.’

  I stood up. ‘You were in Birmingham with Lucy? Did I know?’

  Matthew still avoided meeting my eyes. I stamped my foot. He cringed. ‘No. I knew you’d be upset. We drove up together. … She had to go, damn it! She commissioned the bloody book. The author brought her children along to meet her.’

  ‘And you both stayed overnight? Did you sleep with her?’

  Again he pushed his fingers through his hair. ‘The hotels were packed. It w
as just before Christmas. We knew we were splitting up, so I … we …’

  ‘So it was a farewell fuck, was it?’

  Sam snorted. Matthew flashed him a look of desperation. Bob Gray made an attempt at breaking the tension. ‘Sam, would you mind popping outside for some coffee?’ He cleared his throat. ‘Matthew, it seems that you might have an alibi after all …’

  ‘Not really. Lucy left early. Around nine. I checked out about an hour later and went for a walk. I needed to do some thinking. I didn’t catch a train until the afternoon. But I’ve no way of proving that. So Poppy lied for me.’

  Bob Gray frowned at his young colleague. ‘Sam, coffee? And would you please take care to close the door behind you?’

  I watched Sam hurry out, then stomped over and took his seat. Bob Gray regarded me with caution.

  ‘Well, we have at least managed to clear up a few things.’

  I pointed across the room. ‘He’s an oversexed pig!’

  Matthew flinched. Bob Gray attempted to restore calm. ‘I’m sure …’

  Matthew interrupted. ‘You did not decide to leave Jeff until that afternoon. Up to that point, despite my repeated attempts to convince you to do so, you were against ending your marriage.’

  ‘You said you asked me not to go over and tell my sister about leaving Jeff. Is that because you’d changed your mind about wanting to be with me after a night with Lucy? And probably an evening and afternoon. Did you actually go to the launch?’

  Matthew gave a frustrated sigh. ‘I wanted you to wait for me to go with you, Sarah … Jeff had been violent towards you in the past.’

  ‘Is that true, Matthew?’ said Bob Gray.

  ‘Yes.’ He tried again to reason with me. ‘I’d been with Lucy for years. You wouldn’t leave Jeff. I’d been living in that disgusting flat for weeks. And you never once stayed over in case Jeff suspected you. It didn’t seem that wrong to spend a night with Lucy.’

  The door opened and Sam stepped back in and assessed the atmosphere. ‘Coffee’s on its way.’ He sat down next to Matthew, pulled a stethoscope from his pocket unnecessarily and fiddled with it.

  Matthew looked across at him. ‘Could I borrow that to strangle myself?’

  ‘Self-garrotting isn’t permitted in the consulting rooms,’ whispered Sam. He dared to address me. ‘Did it get worse?’

  ‘How much worse do you think it can get, Dr Clegg?’

  Bob Gray attempted to calm the situation. ‘Sarah, do you feel able to proceed with our mapping exercise or are you too exhausted? We could reconvene this coming Wednesday. Back here if that’s possible.’ He adjusted his spectacles. ‘Perhaps you’d like to decide after lunch.’ He glanced up as the door opened. ‘Ah, Lynn, thank you. Just set it down there.’

  As Mrs Barr withdrew and the door closed behind her, I could feel Matthew’s eyes on me but I resisted the temptation to look at him and, instead, accepted the cup Dr Gray was offering me. I sipped my coffee and, for a few moments, let the silence declare my supremacy. Then I spoke:

  ‘Dr Gray … I’ve learned enough over the last two days to realise that I really need to know how I was involved on that day. But I think I’d like to wait a while before we try digging any deeper. I want to be sure that the things I’ve been told so far are secure. So if it’s OK with you, I’d like to go home right now.’

  At last I allowed myself to look across the room. Matthew was indeed watching me, his face still ashen, his pale eyes almost completely colourless. I felt the need to pull him back before he disappeared altogether.

  ‘And I think Matthew has had more than enough blood and gore for one day.’

  Crouch End

  ‘Arachne, is that you? Are you OK? You sound a bit breathless … Of course I’m not criticising you. Look, I’ve got a couple of book signings next week, so I’ll be away for two nights. If Diana needs me while I’m away, will you phone me? I’ll text you the hotel numbers as well. Just in case there’s no signal … Arachne? Arachne, are you there? … What do you mean, she’s in hospital?’ Sarah put her hand to her mouth to stifle a gasp. ‘When did that happen? Why didn’t you let me know? … Has she got her mobile with her? … What do you mean: she’s lost it? … No, I’m not accusing you of anything … I’ll ring later … Bye.’

  Matthew touched her arm. ‘Diana’s in hospital?’

  ‘She fell over. She’s sprained her wrist. But they’re keeping her in for observation.’

  ‘When did she fall over?’

  ‘The day before yesterday. I’m going to drive over and see her.’

  ‘I’ll come with you. We’ll take a cab. Sarah, love, don’t worry.’

  ‘What about your lunch meeting?’

  ‘I’ll ring Poppy and explain. He can handle it on his own. Sarah, calm down.’

  ‘But why are they keeping her in?’

  ‘They’ve probably noticed how dippy she is. And they’re probably drying her out before sending her home. She’ll be OK. Just sit down for a minute and breathe.’

  She allowed him to manoeuvre her towards the edge of the bed. Watched him gathering up her scattered clothing. Reloading the things that had fallen out of her bag.

  ‘I’m worried that she’s being left on her on her own for too long. I knew something like this would happen. I’ve said I’d go and sit with her. But Arachne doesn’t want me in the house.’ She threw herself back onto the crumpled duvet. ‘And how can she have lost her phone? She never leaves her room. I bet Arachne’s hidden it so I can’t call her.’

  Episode Forty-seven

  I must have fallen asleep immediately we pulled onto the motorway. I woke in stationary traffic just by Madame Tussaud’s. Matthew glanced across at me and smiled. I smiled back. It felt good, waking from a normal sleep, happy to forget those small, crazy moments of dreamtime as they faded into reality, leaving behind only the slightest trace of a thought. About a sister and …

  The traffic moved briefly. ‘Are you OK?’

  ‘Yes. But it’s weird.’

  ‘What’s weird?’ He looked slightly panicked.

  ‘Trying to fit everything together. It’s like trying to organise a story you’ve been told in the wrong order but there doesn’t seem to be any reason why one thing follows another.’ I watched him gripping the steering wheel, edging himself towards yet another declaration of contrition and pre-empted it. ‘Matthew, why was Jeff at my mother’s house? Did he go there often?’

  Matthew’s knuckles turned white. ‘Apparently.’

  ‘But Dr Gray said I wasn’t close to my mother?’

  ‘You only went there when it was necessary.’

  I watched the taxis edge past my window. And slotted yet another piece of the puzzle into place. ‘And my sister still lived with my mother? Was Jeff going there to see Arachne?’

  Matthew kept his eyes fixed on the road ahead. ‘Let’s talk about it when we’re home, shall we? This traffic’s terrible and most of the cab drivers in London seem to be aiming for me.’

  ‘Well, you shouldn’t drive such a ridiculous car, should you?’ I saw his jaw tighten. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. It’s a lovely car.’ I patted his hand. ‘So, my husband was having an affair with my sister? Did I know about it?’

  ‘I don’t think so. You always ignored Jeff’s philandering. But, I think you would have reacted if you’d known about him and Arachne.’

  ‘Did you know about it?’

  ‘I found out just before I left for Birmingham. It’s why we had our “encounter”. He had the cheek to criticise you and me and meanwhile he was … He didn’t try to deny it. … I didn’t go there with the intention of punching him. It just happened. And I didn’t tell you about it because I didn’t want to upset you before I went away. I wasn’t thinking straight.’

  ‘Did Jeff confront me after you hit him?’

  Matthew sighed. ‘As far as you knew he was in Nottingham. I let you carry on believing it. I don’t think he went back to the flat again before what happened.’
/>   ‘Because he was with Arachne?’

  ‘Yes. I was going to try and resolve things when I got back. I shouldn’t have left you not knowing. In fact, I shouldn’t have gone to the launch at all; Lucy could have handled it.’

  I watched him negotiate the traffic. All the time, more half-truths. More half-lies. I tried to imagine my forgotten husband and sister together, tried to picture the man beside me in that wedding photo caressing … but, of course, no picture came. ‘I don’t know what Arachne looked like! We never got to that page in the folder, did we? I never saw photos of her as an adult. Or a recent one of my mother.’