What Was Lost

by Jean Levy

  ‘They’ll probably show you them on Wednesday. Neither of them looked anything like you. You obviously took after your father.’

  We pulled into Farlington Close. I was surprised to see that the builder’s skip had disappeared. I glanced up at the top window and remembered the giant kitchen, the boxes and crates. The deceit.

  ‘Good God,’ I exclaimed, ‘you can park in the visitors’ place. You’ll be able to watch your car through the window all night. You can sleep in the lounge and keep an eye on it.’

  Matthew reversed into the parking bay. ‘Am I banned from sleeping with you then?’

  ‘I haven’t decided.’

  *

  Alfie popped in through the cat flap as I made tea.

  ‘Hi, puss, how’ve you been? I’ve had a great time, learning about myself. My parents abandoned me, my mother was an alcoholic and now she’s gaga in an institution. My husband was screwing my sister, who must have hated me, and I had no idea about it until …’ I banged down the teapot. ‘Until …’

  ‘OK, cases in the bedroom. Hello, Alfie. We could do with a late lunch. I’m starving. Then I’d better nip over to Sainsbury’s and get some wine for …’ He stopped. ‘What’s up?’

  I could barely speak through the panic. ‘Do you think, that day, I went round to my mother’s house, thinking I’d just see my mother and sister, and … and instead of that I found Jeff and Arachne together? Is that why you tried to persuade me not to go, because you knew Jeff wasn’t in Nottingham and you knew I’d discover them … and do something terrible?’

  ‘Sarah, you didn’t do anything terrible.’ He put his arm around me. ‘And, anyway, your mother would have been there, doddering around in the kitchen, bad-mouthing you probably, talking to the wallpaper. You would have been more concerned with protecting her. Don’t think things like that.’

  I sagged against him. ‘I don’t think I can wait until next Wednesday. I have to know what happened now! We should have stayed.’

  ‘But nobody knows what happened.’ He stretched over to pick up a mug then manoeuvred me into a chair. ‘Sit down and drink this. Poppy and Annabelle are coming over tonight so let’s try and have a normal evening.’

  I shook my head. ‘I’ve got to see that folder. Maybe I’ll remember something if I see photos of my sister. Sam gave you his mobile number, didn’t he? Phone and ask him to bring it over?’

  ‘Sarah, I can’t ask him to do that. He probably wouldn’t be allowed to do it anyway.’

  ‘Give me the number then. I’ll ask him.’

  ‘No, wait!’ Matthew pulled out a chair and sat down beside me. ‘Let’s calm down.’

  ‘I can’t calm down! Does Dr Gray know about Jeff and Arachne?’

  ‘Yes, I told him. But he would have realised anyway, along with everyone else.’

  ‘Why along with everyone else? God, what else can there be?’

  I watched as Matthew struggled with indecision before deciding that the truth was the easiest option.

  ‘Because when Arachne ran into the road outside your mother’s house, she was practically naked. And Jeff was lying at the bottom of the stairs completely naked.’

  ‘My mother was in the house and they were …’

  ‘The police found her watching the television and eating rice pudding out of a tin. With Jeff still lying at the bottom of the stairs.’

  I stared into my lap, trying to arrange the jumble in my head. Disconnected thoughts that had to be organised into the right order.

  ‘When I phoned to say I was going over to my mother’s, you said you were on your way back. Were you with Lucy?’

  ‘No, I told you, I caught a train.’ He arched an eyebrow. ‘Lucy drove there. We were supposed to be driving back together. But I told her I wanted to do some reading on the train. Actually, I wanted to be on my own. To get my head straight.’

  ‘What time did I phone?’

  ‘About four o’clock. I was less than an hour from Euston. I caught a cab straight here, then I got the cabbie to drive me over to Hornsey. I got there around six.’

  ‘And when did Arachne get run over?’

  ‘Just before five. Sarah, why are you asking?’

  ‘Because, it’s clear that I did drive over to my mother’s, probably straight after talking to you. So I would have got there at around four-thirty and there’s not much time between four-thirty and five, is there? There’s only just enough time for me to have arrived to speak to my sister and discover her with Jeff and …’

  ‘Sarah, love, if you did discover Jeff with your sister, you’d probably have left straightaway. Before anything happened.’

  ‘Even though my mother was there? And why did I leave my car? And why was I found on a beach two days later with no memory?’

  ‘Sam said that often with psychological trauma, patients wander and find themselves in places not knowing how they got there.’

  ‘Psychological trauma? Do you think just discovering that my sister and husband were having an affair would be enough to do that to me, considering that I was not close to my sister and was leaving my husband and had been sleeping with you for over a year?’

  Matthew failed to answer.

  ‘Don’t you think it would take more than that to drive me into that state? Like pushing my husband downstairs and breaking his neck and chasing my sister outside into the path of a lorry?’ I walked over to the sink and emptied my cup. ‘Give me Sam’s mobile. I need to know this stuff or I’m going to go properly mad.’

  ‘I don’t think this is the right thing to do.’

  ‘Why? Because you’re scared I might not be innocent? I need to know the truth because anything else is as good as a lie.’

  Hornsey

  Sarah managed to find a parking place directly outside her mother’s house.

  ‘OK, Diana,’ she announced. ‘We’ve got you home. We’ll come inside and have a cup of tea with you, shall we?’

  Her mother shook her head. ‘Has Arachne got enough milk?’

  Sarah looked at Matthew and rolled her eyes. ‘Will you go and check Arachne’s there. You’d better ring the bell. She doesn’t like me just turning up and going inside.’

  Matthew sighed and got out of the car, stepped up to the door, rang the bell and waited. He rang again, knocked hard then turned and signalled that it was hopeless. He walked back to the car. ‘What now?’

  ‘She’s gone to get some milk.’

  Sarah turned to look at her mother. ‘I’d better go in and see where she’s got to. You stay here with Matthew. All right?’ She checked it was safe then stepped out onto the road just as the front door opened to reveal her sister barefoot and swathed in a bathrobe.

  ‘You woke her up,’ said Diana.

  ‘Mum, it’s two o’clock in the afternoon.’

  As soon as they were inside, Arachne disappeared upstairs, leaving Sarah to manoeuvre her mother into her chair in the lounge. Straightaway, Diana grabbed the remote control and started waving it at the television.

  ‘Her wrist seems much better,’ laughed Matthew. ‘Her bag’s at the bottom of the stairs.’

  ‘Thanks. I’ll go and make tea. The kitchen’s probably a tip. Do you want a cup?’

  ‘No thanks, I don’t think my tetanus jabs are up to date.’

  ‘OK. Stay here and watch Diana, will you?’ Sarah stepped into the hallway and called up the stairs to ask Arachne if she wanted tea. She waited for a reply which was not forthcoming then disappeared into the kitchen.

  Matthew wandered over and asked Diana if she wanted him to find her a movie.

  She handed over the remote. ‘Is Arachne bringing biscuits?’

  ‘She’s upstairs getting dressed. Sarah’s making you some tea.’

  ‘And biscuits?’

  ‘Probably. What about Mamma Mia!? You like that, don’t you?’

  Diana’s face cracked into a wide grin. Matthew handed back the remote then walked over to clear a space on the sofa, but as he was shifting a pile o
f clothes he caught sight of something down beside one of the cushions. It looked like a credit card. He eased it out and sure enough it was just that. The signature was illegible. He turned it over and read the name printed along the bottom, frowned, glanced up at the ceiling and slid the card into his pocket just as Sarah stepped back into the room. He watched her set the tray down, and hand her mother a mug of tea and a packet of biscuits.

  ‘Is Arachne still not down?’

  He shrugged.

  ‘I’d better go up and see what she’s doing. I can’t leave Diana down here on her own.’

  She turned to leave the room but Matthew caught her arm.

  ‘Sarah, wait. She’s … she’ll think you’re interfering. You know what she’s like. There’s no hurry. Sit down and drink your tea.’

  ‘It’s for Arachne, in case she wants it. I don’t fancy any. I feel a bit nauseous. And I think the milk’s about to turn. I’ll take it up to her.’

  ‘No, don’t! I mean … I think that’s her now.’

  Moments later Sarah’s sister stepped into the room wearing a T-shirt and knickers. ‘You can go now,’ she said.

  Matthew walked away and looked out of the window. Sarah stared at her sister.

  ‘Social Services are coming over later this afternoon to check Diana’s OK. Assess whether or not she needs to have any handrails fitted. Things like that. Arachne, you ought to be properly dressed when they arrive. If you want me to stay until …’

  ‘I’ll get dressed. Close the door behind you.’

  ‘Sarah, let’s go,’ said Matthew. ‘Diana will be fine.’

  Sarah glanced at her mother who was busy watching the TV and dunking custard creams into her tea. She wandered over and kissed her grey hair before heading for the front door.

  Matthew followed her but just as he was passing the hall table he paused to glance up the stairs, took Jeff Blake’s credit card from his pocket and put it down next to the telephone. Then he hurried outside to stop Sarah getting into the driver’s seat:

  ‘Sarah, love, let me drive.’

  ‘I’m OK.’

  ‘No, you’re not. Let’s go over to my flat and talk about it, shall we? Come on, don’t cry.’

  ‘Matthew, I’ve never done anything to make Arachne hate me like that.’

  ‘I know. She’s not right in the head. Let’s see what Social Services say about it.’

  He put his arm around her, walked her round and helped her into the passenger seat. Then he climbed in beside her but, before fastening his seat belt he leant across and kissed her.

  ‘I’ll make you pancakes for lunch, OK?’

  She smiled and kissed him back. As they pulled away, they both failed utterly to notice the tall figure glaring down at them from the upstairs window.

  Episode Forty-eight

  ‘Right, Poppy and Annabelle will get here around six. Sam said he’d try and make it by seven. Will you be alright for an hour or so while I go to Sainsbury’s? And I’d better nip over and collect a couple of things from my flat. You can come with me if you want.’

  I shook my head. I didn’t want to be on my own but I didn’t want to be among people either.

  ‘Will you get something to go with the takeaway? Does Poppy eat ice cream?’

  Matthew hurried over and put his arm around me. ‘Sarah, it’s going to be OK. Try not to worry. Clean the fridge or something. That always makes you feel better.’

  I watched his car drive away, watched it disappear, red into grey. The fridge. Yes, I would clean the fridge. And I’d talk to Alfie. Talk to the fridge if necessary. Anything to pass the time until the four o’clock pills. I hurried to the kitchen. For once Alfie was there when I needed him. I dared to stroke his ear, washed up the two mugs and fetched a clean tea towel. The photo of Jeff Blake looked up at me from the tea towel drawer. I pushed it closed and pulled open the fridge. Even I could see that it didn’t need to be cleaned. So I turned my attention to the freezer. I should throw away some of those frozen burgers and sausages that Mrs Parkin had put there ready for when I came home. Make room for the ice cream. Why had Mrs Parkin filled my freezer with burgers and sausages? Didn’t she know I didn’t eat those things? The middle drawer was full of them, all frozen into one huge dead lump, untouched for eight, no, nine weeks. I prodded the top packet free and then the one next to it, placing them both next to the sink. The doorbell rang. Had Matthew forgottensomething? Misplaced his key?

  I pulled open the front door. Matthew was not there. Della Brown was. On my doorstep, a black carrier bag nestled in her arms. And behind her, her silver-grey car was parked in the visitor parking space.

  ‘Good afternoon, Mrs Blake. I thought I’d take the opportunity to call round and return a few things you might have been missing?’ She edged forward.

  I fought to stay calm. Imagined Matthew returning, having actually forgotten something, finding his parking space occupied, uncurling himself from his shiny red car to hurl abuse at the sight of this woman, inadvertently revealing the truth. I was frightened, no, I was terrified. Then, amidst the panic, I fell upon a strategy.

  ‘Dr Brown … Oh, sorry, I mean Inspector Brown. I mean … You’re a policeman, aren’t you? I mean a policewoman.’ I clenched my hands together in apology. Took a step back. ‘Would you like to come in? How did you know where I live?’

  Della Brown came in and dropped the carrier bag onto the coffee table. I watched her detective eyes assess the room, coming to rest upon my Raggedy Lyme snow globe standing alone on the mantelpiece. Her scorn was visible. She turned to me.

  ‘I did call round last Wednesday but there was no reply. I popped one of my cards through your letterbox.’

  I made a display of turning to look at the doormat.

  ‘I usually go to see Dr Gray on Wednesdays. And Dr Williams on Tuesdays. Perhaps my cleaning lady found it.’

  ‘Well, not to worry. So, how have you been, Sarah?’

  ‘Oh, I’m feeling much happier. I’ve just been back to the clinic for assessment and they sorted out my medication. Dr Gray was very pleased with me. He said I only have to visit the hospital once a fortnight now. So that gives me more time to do my writing. I’m writing apple stories at the moment. The ones I used to make up with my grandma.’ I fiddled with my cuff. ‘I remember we went to lunch together, didn’t we? Would you like me to make you a cup of tea? I’ve got chocolate biscuits.’

  Della Brown’s eyes widened. She glanced at her watch. ‘I ought to be going. I just wanted to make sure you got these things back.’ She indicated the plastic carrier bag.

  I stepped over and looked inside.

  ‘Your husband’s things.’

  I glanced up. ‘My husband? Oh yes, I had a husband. Jeff Blake. But they told me he fell downstairs and then after that he died of an infection. In the hospital. When I was unconscious. He had a van but I’m going to give it to my friend.’ I picked up the bag. ‘I can make coffee as well. If you like. The kettle’s in the kitchen.’ I started to walk towards the kitchen. I could feel my heart pounding in my ears but I was reasonably certain that it wasn’t obvious on the outside. I could hear Della Brown’s footsteps following me. I headed straight for the kitchen table and tipped the contents of the bag onto its surface. Alfie was asleep on his chair. He raised his head at the commotion, so that his pink nose appeared above the far edge of the table.

  ‘Oh, a cat!’ exclaimed Della Brown.

  ‘Yes. Miss Lewis said he’s mine. He’s called Alfie. Do you like cats, Dr Brown?’

  ‘Not particularly.’ She walked over to stand by the sink.

  I poked at the items spread out before me: a wallet, keys, an organiser, two mobile phones, an electric razor, a polythene bag containing some loose change. I could feel Della Brown watching me so I made a particular display of peering into the empty bag.

  ‘There are a few bulkier things that you might like to collect from the station … the police station,’ said Detective Brown. ‘Business papers, his clothes, toi
letries, and a few other personal effects recovered from your mother’s house.’

  I concentrated on arranging the objects into a row then picked up the two phones.

  ‘I have my own mobile, so I’ll probably give these to a charity shop.’ I looked up at Della Brown: ‘I could ask my boyfriend to help me collect the things from the police station. But I don’t really want any more papers. And I think all the other things from my mother’s house are being sold to help pay for her to be looked after. She’s in a clinic now. Because she has …er, I can’t remember what it’s called. But I don’t think she’ll be able to go back to her house ever.’

  ‘Do you remember your mother’s house, Sarah? The one in Hornsey?’

  ‘Not really.’

  ‘I believe your mother lived there with your sister, Arachne. Do you remember your sister? Did they tell you what happened to her?’

  ‘I think she was run over. I’m sorry, I can’t remember anything from before I woke up in the hospital. My memory’s not right.’ I picked up the electric razor, wandered over and threw it in the recycling bin. Della Brown followed me with her eyes and as she did so her attention fell upon the two packets of beef burgers lying next to the sink. She leant forward and rubbed her finger along the layer of frost to reveal their contents: ‘Beef burgers?’