Save Me: A TAT Novella

by Melanie Walker

  “Get it together you pussy.” I reprimand myself, but it does no good. I know the minute I leave the bathroom- I will end all fucking, all hope for more and sure as shit, ill stop this need for love.

  “You keep this shit up with her, when it ends, you’ll tank the band.” I say this to myself while looking so closely at my reflection. I’m fucking scared of the man that is looking back at me. I can see the fear of losing her, it collides with the fear of staying. I know I’ll cheat or fuck it all up somehow. I know I will. I fucking love the fangirls too damn much. Even if I didn’t cheat, I know I would never be able to put her first. She didn’t deserve my shit or my ego. She deserved the world, and as bad as it sucked admitting it, I knew that would never be me.

  Decision made, I stood and forced my emotions down and waited until I was in check before leaving the bathroom.

  “What time is it?” I ask when I walk back in the room. I can see from the corner of my eye that she isn’t in the bed, but beside it, pulling the gown over her head.

  “Um, just after midnight.” She says, but I can sense the distance in her voice.

  I throw on a pair of basketball shorts and a plain gray t shirt. I pause knowing I have to look at her eventually. She beats me to it though, when I feel her hand on my shoulder and her voice just beside me. “Cal?”

  I take a deep breath and look to the side; raising my brows. “Yeah?”

  “You okay?” She asks and tilts her head to the side, trailing her fingers along my neck.

  I hate myself in this moment, and I will never forgive myself for it. I shoo her hand from my neck and walk toward the kitchenette to pull a mini bottle of Jameson from the shelf.

  “Cal –“

  I cut her off. “C’mon Tay, don’t be that girl. It doesn’t suit you, and it sure as fuck doesn’t work on me.”

  I see her violet eyes flash with anger. “What girl is that Cal?” She asks and places her hand on her hip; totally ready to go the rounds with me like we always do lately.

  “The type to pretend there was more going on than a hot fuck.” I take a shot and keep my eyes on her, pretending I don’t know I just verbally kicked her ass. “Like a fangirl.” I say adding insult to injury as I set the shot glass down and pour another; emptying the mini bottle.

  “Oh.” She says it with a sneer and I know I’m pissing her off.

  “Yeah, so chill.” I open another mini bottle, for my self destruction line up, and take the shot I had just poured.

  “Why are you acting like this?” She asks her voice serious instead of the usual pissy tone she gives me when we argue.

  I throw my hands in the air faking defeat. “Jesus Tayla, like what?”

  “Like what just happened, didn’t fucking happen.” She steps up until we are as close as possible. “Like that.”

  I laugh and it sounds arrogant and rude. “And what do you think just happened? I was there, it was good yeah…” I trail off letting my mouth full of bullshit settle.

  “That was just good sex huh?” She asks, but I detect the sadness she is trying to hide.

  “Tay…” I place my hands on her shoulders and look her in the eye. I am sincere in this. “That’s all it ever is.”

  “We both know that’s not true.” I see her eyes fill with unshed tears and I hate it.

  “Don’t do this Tay. Don’t destroy what we have by giving it a label. We both do our thing. We live and breathe music, the band and fun. I love you Tay, but you’re my friend. One I fuck often.”

  She stares me down, and I mean stares me down. I feel a thousand blades of hatred stabbing me through the heart from just the look she is giving me. Then, like a switch goes off, she lets her head fall back and laughs, without humor. “Oh my God, Cal. I can’t believe I never saw it before now.”

  “Saw what?” I ask and I am scared shitless, gutless and nutless that she is seeing right through all of this bull and knows I’m lying through my teeth.

  “What a fucking pussy you are. You’re pathetic Cal.”

  The only way to end this is to be brutal, and so I pull out all my guns. “No Tay, pathetic is imagining that we could ever be more than fuck buddies. You are trying to make something out of nothing and I can’t help you find reason in that. I love you, absolutely, but I am so sorry if I ever made you think that we were more. I don’t love chicks Tay. I don’t do relationships and I don’t promise more than an orgasm. If you’re looking for more from me, knowing damn well who I am, that’s on you. You chose to fuck me, multiple times. I never forced you. You always came to me willingly. I can’t help that you tried making it more than it was.”

  She closes her eyes and looks over her shoulder, her pride on the floor where I stomped on it. I watch as she tries to hide the tears that are falling. “So that’s it? You feel nothing more than friendship for me?”

  Jesus, why won’t she tell me to fuck off and leave already? This is fucking torture for both of us. “Of course I care Tayla. You’re important to me, but it’s never going to be romantic.”

  “It just was romantic, God damn it!” She yells and her voice cracks as tears fall from her eyes.

  It was life altering, but I keep that thought to myself.

  “No Tay, it wasn’t romantic, it was intense. And until this fucking second I thought it was the best sex of my life.”

  “You kissed me…” She whispers and I want to hold her so bad right now.

  “I always kiss you Tay.” I pull her against me so I can hold her, but she pulls from me not allowing it.

  “You never have kissed me in bed, except for the first night we fucked.” She is back to pissed off once again.

  “Jesus Tay, it’s weird as fuck that you know that.” I fucking know it too and I was just as affected by our kissing tonight.

  “I kind of hate you right now.” She says it with complete belief that she does, but we both know better.

  “For what? Being honest?”

  “For lying Cal. You’re a fucking liar and a son of a bitch.”

  I let out an exhausted sigh and clasp my hands behind my neck, tell for me that I’m about fucking done arguing. “About what?” I ask exasperated.

  “About the fact you don’t feel more than friendship, and fuck you for making it out like I’m fucking delusional. I know what I feel Cal, and I feel it from you in waves.”

  I take in every word she says and I see her stand with pride and a strong belief that what she is saying is true, and oh fuck it is, but I’ll deny until I die. No matter how bad I want her, I will never go there on an emotional level. I would destroy her. She may look the part of a bad ass, and in most situations she is, but we are talking matters of the heart and Tayla is innocent with love. I feel bad for her, knowing she wasn’t prepared for me and she doesn’t deserve the heartache I’m giving her. Even if it’s the best thing for her.

  “What do you want from me Tay? Huh? You want hearts and flowers and that shit aint in my vocabulary.”

  The look of hurt that she gave me was one I don’t think I could ever forget. I knew why I was breaking her. Better now than another year down the road. I could never be like my boys. I was a different breed of guy. I love pussy. All pussy. I enjoy a buffet of it, if you will. I am not a one pussy for the rest of my life type of guy. I’m more the flavor of the week guy. I respect the fuck out of Tay. Knowing I’m hurting her is shredding me. I would be a liar if I said I didn’t care for her. I care a fuck of a lot more than I should.

  It’s why I’m ending things now.

  I’m ending it in a way I know she won’t ever look back.

  I’m a broken fucking record because I can’t stop telling myself, reminding myself, why I’m doing this.

  “Maybe have a heart for once Cal.” Her voice scratched like an open wound. She was damn near silent saying those words, the cracking in her voice was not unnoticed. “Admit I’m more to you than all the rest were.”

  More? Fuck she had no idea she was everything. Hell until recently I had no idea she
was everything…and it was all the more reason to run far and run fast.

  “Are Tay, the rest are. Do you want me to lie to you to lessen the blow? Want me to pretend they don’t exist? Pretend that two nights ago, it wasn’t a redheaded vixen with legs that went for days, clawing my back?” Tears spilled free of her violet eyes at my brutal confession, her tattooed hand covering lips I was desperate to kiss. Shaking my head I forced myself to continue, to break her heart and force her hate upon me. “Pretend that two hours ago I wasn’t telling the blonde at the front desk when I would be free and alone in my room tonight? This is who I am Tay. This is who I have always been.”

  “No!” She cried out with fierce loyalty for me. She stepped toward me ducking and dodging to follow my eyes as I tried to look anywhere but at her. “You look at me God damn it!” She screamed and caught my chin in her tiny palm forcing me to see her.

  I swatted her hand and stepped back. “Back the fuck up Tay, damn.”

  She slapped me.

  Hard.

  I felt the burn of her palm across my cheek, but the sound was an echo in the room. “Fuck you and everything I thought you stood for.”

  I watched her face as she took in the truth of how callus and ruthless I am. Saw the switch come on, as the pain of my ending things settled on her soul. I watched her touch her fingers to her lips; fuck me red polish against pale skin. It was there my own heart broke in half.

  Broke, because I watched her leave me.

  It was then and there I finally took a breath and fell back against the over sized chair in my suite. I waited for the awful weight that had been plaguing me to lift. I ended things. I forced her to see me for all I was so she would leave.

  So why did I feel that pressure tenfold in her absence?

  Before I could ponder the ramifications of what I just did, a knock sounded at my suite door. In a daze, I walked toward the door- the only thought I had was the flashing image of her eyes as the tears fell from them. The look of her tattooed hand over her mouth, or the perfect red painted nails that touched her lips before she left.

  It was opening the door and seeing the stacked blonde dressed to kill that snapped me back to reality, and the life I just threw it all away for.

  “Right on time gorgeous.” I said and let her in.

  *

  Time escaped me with the blonde. It could have been minutes or it could have been hours before I finished with her. The feeling of a beehive in my chest, swarming to a catastrophic peak the minute she left. I knew it had everything to do with the explosion with Tayla, and nothing to do with the stacked female that I had been inside of trying to forget her.

  My phone rang and I saw it was our tour manager Brian, most likely the guys were looking to get wasted and party. After all, today was a celebration and I’m guessing the wedding was long over. I let it roll to voicemail though, not in the mood to party. It chimed a new voicemail, but I wasn’t answering tonight. Now, I had literally no string attached to me and I would be living it up with the crew from here out, since all my boys were settled down. I could see the good qualities of being settled, could see why guys wanted that life, but I knew I could never live it.

  Beer wasn’t strong enough and I didn’t do drugs. I leaned down and grabbed my guitar, strumming tunes that I had never heard before, let alone what would define my style. If I keep going down this sad ass heartbroken street, I’ll end up moving on to a country band, slinging tunes to the world about missing my girl.

  Blech…

  I still worked the tune though, I couldn’t stop. The only thing in this world I had complete faith in, total love for, was playing guitar. Music is religion to me, the sound of my fingers sliding along new strings; my scriptures.

  My phone started going again, this time it was Seven aka Jason, one of the head roadies that had been with us from before we made it big. He was an artist in Slave to the Needle and had been part of our crew for years. I let his roll on to voicemail too, and went back to my music.

  I have been this way as far back as I can remember. It started with listening to my mom play the piano as a child, and wanting to make such a perfect sound with my fingers too. I started there and it pushed me to achieve. Next was the guitar, and it was by far my first relationship- my first love. Unlike so many things in life, it has carried me the way only love can.

  Against all of my will and hope, my thoughts drift to Tayla and I am gutted on the spot. I see those violet eyes, shiny with tears I know she is crying right now, and I feel like I want to cry for the sight. Fuck…but I know I’m in love with her.

  I can’t survive this lifestyle with love for anything but what I do. I made that pact with the Devil when we formed TAT. I thought she was perfect for me because of the drive she has for career… my career. I never saw this coming. I’d never have touched her if I had.

  Tay was better off.

  A knock on the suite door took my attention. I stand with an aggravated groan, fully prepared to see the stacked blonde at my door hoping for more. I open the door to see Tayla- in tears and shaking uncontrollably.

  “Tay what’s the matter?” I ask and pull her into the room and right to the mini bar to pour her a drink. She is a wreck, black streaks from her mascara streaming down her face, and she is close to hyperventilating. “Talk to me Tay, what’s going on?”

  I am scared that I am the result of such sadness and hope like hell someone is dead and this isn’t because of me being such a dick to her earlier.

  “An an an an accident…” She says through her sobs and my stomach drops. I didn’t mean it. Fuck I didn’t mean that I want anyone dead. I want nothing more than to be the reason for her tears now.

  “An accident? Who was in an accident Tay?” I ask but I stand and head for my phone remembering Bri and Seven calling me. I play my voicemail as I watch Tay sip from the squat glass of Jameson on the rocks, her hands shaking and her other hand over her eyes as she cried uncontrollable, inconsolable sobs.

  “Cal, call me bro. ASAP.” Was all Brian said and I hit delete. Next was Seven, and I could hear the pain in his voice. “Cal, bro. Call me dude. There uh…there was an accident tonight and I need to talk to you dude. We are all meeting at Overlake Hospital in Seattle. It uh… it was Candey and Noah man. Call me.” The message ended and I hit replay again and looked to Tayla.

  “Noah and Candey were in an accident?” I ask and move to sit beside her and palm her chin so she’ll look at me. “Tayla, talk for fucks sake. Are they okay?”

  She shakes her head no and more tears spill out. She falls into my side and my arms go around her immediately. “Are they dead?” I ask and it burns my throat to say those words.

  “C-C-C-Candey….is.” She says and everything moves into slow motion from there.

  Overlake Hospital.

  Everyone is there.

  “Tay we need to get to the hospital.” I say

  *

  The drive from Tacoma to Seattle was the longest of my life, and I spent half my time in a tour bus driving across the country. Tayla was beside me, googling the shit out of everything so far on the accident. This was Tayla in damage control. She was calling every press dick she knew, begging for favors, promising info if they would hold off.

  This was why she was considered the best.

  By the time we finally got to the hospital, she looked the part of the aggressive no bull-shit manager we hired in the beginning. Gone was the emotional wreck that came to tell me what had happened to our friends.

  I grabbed her hand after locking the car and together we rushed through the emergency doors to the nurses triage station. “We’re here for Candey True and Noah Beckett.” I say to the nurse behind the glass.

  “Have a seat.” Is all she says. She doesn’t even bother looking at me.

  Bitch.

  There is a reason I keep emotions hidden. That reason is because I cannot handle them. At all.

  “No I need to get back there.” I am already panicking because this wom
an is keeping me from the people I love most in this world.

  She looked at me then, disinterested and annoyed. She rolled her eyes and spoke to me as if I am a five year old and confused. “And I said, have a seat.”

  I didn’t have a seat. Instead, I started yelling at the top of my lungs for Chad or Shame, hoping they could hear me through the two large doors blocking me from the ER.

  “Mr. Dorian, please have a seat or I will have you escorted from my hospital.” Said the nurse.

  This old bitch knew damn well who I was, knew how important Noah’s condition would be to me and still chose to dominate with her s power. “Look, if you won’t let me back there, can you at least call for Chad Blake, or Shamus James to come up here?” I’m desperate for this lady to hear the obvious worry in my voice and have a heart.

  She laughs like the rude bitch she is. “You want me to just get on the hospital intercom and ask for Chad Blake and Shamus James to come to reception? And then should I call the police since it will be pandemonium in my hospital? How about you have a seat and I will let you back when it clears out?”

  She didn’t even wait for my reply, dismissing me like I didn’t matter. It shouldn’t matter who I am, in her position she should have compassion and understand the dire place most are in when asking to be let through. It’s an ER… nothing good ever happens in an ER and there shouldn’t be a ruthless bitch without compassion working there.