Everybody Is Awful_Except You!

by Jim Florentine

  #NoInkForMe

  Here’s another reason hashtags have to end. Read what this fucking guy wrote.

  Just got my ass handed to me at the auto shop. Went in for an oil change left $500 less and depressed. LOL! There goes my tattoo appointment for tomorrow! Guess I can wait one more month.

  First of all, he didn’t laugh out loud. Anytime a mechanic comes out to the waiting room and gives you bad news like that you don’t laugh out loud. That’s the last thing you do. You’re usually angry and sad.

  Second, no one needs to know that you’re getting your car repaired. Also, no one cares it costs $500. It always costs at least $500.

  Lastly, maybe you should wait another month for that bad Chinese symbol tattoo you’re going to get that you have no idea what it means. It will be meaningless to you in a few years like most tattoos are.

  At first glance, this guy’s post is like him: a worthless waste of space. But, oh shit, take cover; here comes the real message via some rapid-fire hashtags!

  #NoInkForMe #FeelLikePunchingThroats #BeerMeX5 #BrokeAgain #SellingMyAssThisWeekend #IOnlyNeedOneKidneyRight #WhoNeedsTwoLungs #HeadedToTheSpermBank #RaiseMyAss

  Watch out everyone this guy means business!

  #NoInkForMe #FeelLikePunchingThroats

  Whose throats are you going to punch? The mechanic’s? Remember you said you were laughing out loud like a teenage girl when you found out the price. If you’re going to punch any throats it should be your parents for raising a kid that whines over a car repair.

  #BrokeAgain #SellingMyAssThisWeekend

  If you’re serious about selling your ass this weekend, why don’t you just find a gay mechanic and you two can work out some kind of deal. The only thing it will cost is your dignity.

  #IOnlyNeedOneKidneyRight #WhoNeedsTwoLungs

  We get it; you don’t have the money for the repairs. How long are you going to hammer this point home?

  #BeerMeX5

  Wow, this guy really can’t handle anything thrown his way. Beer me times five because of an unexpected car repair? What will happen to him later in life if he has to foreclose on his house? Heroin times fifty? I can only hope!

  #DogParkDisaster

  If you have a Facebook friend like this, please steal her pet and force her to get off Facebook before you give it back. She writes:

  People that bring their dog to the dog park but do not allow them to play with other dogs are confusing to me. Do you take your kid to the playground and say don’t play with other kids? #PeopleUnclearOnTheConcept #YourPoorDog

  Here’s another fucking douche that proves there is no room for fucking hashtags. You already clearly explained yourself in your post. No need to repeat everything with hashtags. Everyone knows what a dog park is, they just don’t want their dog near yours.

  Dogs aren’t like humans. They don’t need to be friends with other strange dogs. They are close to the people who live in their home. That’s all they need.

  They’re not depressed the next day if they can’t hang out with the dog they met yesterday in the park. They don’t exchange phone numbers or friend each other on Facebook.

  Your dog doesn’t care. He just wants to smell a few things, piss, shit, and go back home. A dog park is where lonely people meet because they don’t know how to have a real relationship with a human so they have one through their pet. They probably don’t have any kids and treat their dog like one.

  People that go to a dog park do understand the concept. They just don’t care for you or your dog. So mind your business, pick up your dog’s shit, and be on your way. #Cunt

  #ChargersDouchebag

  Here’s another fucking douche that proves there is no more room for these fucking hashtags. He posted a picture of his dumb fat face with his San Diego Chargers hat on and he has his fat fist in the camera. The guy that sent this to me wrote one thing in the email: Freaking Homo!

  Guess who’s game ready? #BoltUpBaby! #ComeGetSome #Representing #LoveMyTeam #MondayNightFootball #GameReady #Pow #LetsGoChargers #JustWin #SanDiegoChargers #WooRaa #FootballSelfie #SeeYa

  Now, do you see why I hate these fucking hashtags?

  Okay, fatso, how are you game ready? Let’s break it down.

  You posted a picture of yourself sitting on your couch. You’re a blob who likes the Chargers. You have beer and chips in front of you. You have the remote right there and the TV is on. Does that mean you are game ready? Is someone going to walk in your house and say wow dude, you’re game ready! What’s gotten into you? Nobody is going to do that. Even if you have a wife, she wouldn’t walk in the room and say, I guess you are game ready, honey! You weigh 400 pounds and you have bigger tits than your wife. You would never be capable of playing football. You may be food ready but not game ready! It’s also a Monday night game. Wait until his shitty team is down 27-0 at halftime and he goes to bed and misses the second half because he has to work in the morning. I guess that means you quit on your team then.

  #ComeGetSome

  Come get what? What am I getting? I don’t know what that means. Certainly not the food because you’ve already eaten it. How about I come get you and take you to the gym?

  #Representing

  I get it asshole you spent $200 on that jersey and another $30 on that hat. I realize you are representing. You are also an ass. Whatever fucking jersey you bought won’t mean shit soon. That player will be off the team next year and you’ll wonder what to do with that jersey. Good move, douche! You’re representing a guy that will get cut or leave in free agency next year. I guess you can always use your jersey as a tarp.

  #LoveMyTeam #MondayNightFootball

  You really are a crazy fucker! You’re nuts, man. Not many people love their team or watch Monday Night Football. Nope, you’re the only one, aren’t you fucking special. You really went out on a limb with that statement.

  #GameReady

  What a minute, you’ve mentioned being game ready TWICE! Maybe because you opened the beer and the bag of chips, so now you’re hashtag game ready. Did you tape your ankles up to get game ready? How about taping the refrigerator closed and do some sit-ups.

  #Pow

  What are you, four years old and watching Batman? What the fuck do you mean by Pow? Maybe you refer to a girlfriend as a “prisoner of war” because she’s trapped in a relationship with you and has to deal with your fucking nonsense!

  #LetsGoChargers #JustWin

  Really, you don’t want them to tie or lose? You want them to win? If I walk into a place and see some fat fuck on a couch in a Chargers jersey and Chargers hat, I have a feeling he wants them to win. You don’t have to write it or post it on Facebook. Everyone knows it. You are a grown man dressed like an ass, you don’t have to tell us you want them to win. We get it, motherfucker! If you were sitting there in a fucking button-down and khakis and a Bluetooth in your ear maybe I wouldn’t know.

  #WooRaa

  Is that a new sandwich you’re about to eat? I don’t know what that means and don’t want to know.

  #FootballSelfie

  There you go, need I say more?

  #SeeYa

  See you where? I don’t hang out in places you hang out. I don’t want to see you. I’m sure most of your friends would rather not see you. But they can’t help it because your big frame is always in their eyeline. I know they didn’t want to see this stupid picture on their Facebook feed.

  I do want to see one thing. I want to see you in fucking tears after the game when your fucking team gets destroyed.

  #BestieTakedown

  Here is a post I’m not annoyed with. I love what this chick wrote.

  Every time I see the word #Bestie, a little bit of vomit comes up in my throat. Grown-ass women of the world, please stop using it!

  This could be the greatest post ever!

  One woman wrote in the comments section, Wow, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed today.

  No, she didn’t! She woke up and realized that she had enough of her middl
e-aged women friends using the same slang that twelve-year-old girls use. You’re not twelve anymore. You’re forty-six! A twelve-year-old is getting her first period soon and you’re close to getting your last period.

  NERD CAMP-OUTS

  What’s going on with the iPhone craze in this country? Why are people camping overnight for a fucking phone?

  Remember when people camped overnight for Led Zeppelin tickets? That made sense. Waiting for a phone is absolutely stupid. In a year, these phone nerds will be complaining their version sucks especially when a new one comes out with better features.

  As I write this, Apple has released about fourteen different versions of the iPhone. That’s fourteen different models sold in less than nine years! They keep upgrading it because they keep screwing it up! I don’t care if there is an extra pixel in the fucking screen, give me an extra hour of battery life! That’s what I really need!

  These nerd campers are such a big deal they do TV news interviews. “This is a status symbol,” they say. “I could be the first one of my friends to get this!”

  I’d rather be the first one of my friends to get herpes, and I was!

  One nerd said, “You know this has been a roller coaster of emotion out here waiting in line.”

  NO IT HASN’T! You’re on a roller coaster of emotion when you lose a family member—not standing in line talking about the latest Big Bang Theory episode.

  Thank goodness the latest superhero movie didn’t open at the same time. What line would these nerds get in? Oh, my God, it’s the new Superman movie or the new iPhone, where should we sleep?

  None of these guys are getting laid. They are all nerds. They don’t get pussy on a regular basis and that’s not going to change.

  Girls are not impressed that you have the latest iPhone. I’ve never heard a woman say, “Wow, is that the new iPhone? That’s hot! Let me give you a blow job!”

  If that was the case I would’ve camped out a month ago!

  Awful Facebook Rule #8: Challenge Us Like Chumps

  This section details the excruciatingly stupid challenges Facebook idiots force on us. A terrible trend that doesn’t seem to have an end in sight. I don’t want to play games with you. Stop posting your bullshit games on my wall.

  Most challenges are brutally stupid, waste our time, and always find a way to draw attention to the person who posted it. I don’t have to belabor the point, just read the next example and you’ll see why Awful Facebook Rule #8 is Challenge Us Like Chumps.

  The Warm Goo Challenge

  This challenge is from a woman who seems to love the sensation of warm goo deep in her body. Good for the guy she’s married to but bad for everyone else.

  October goosies challenge!

  That phrase is more cringe-worthy than an ISIS beheading video.

  Her next post is an attempt to define her stupid, made-up word goosies. Jesus, I hate even writing that word.

  A feeling of warm ooey-gooeyness inside, happiness generating throughout the entire body, sometimes causing a tingling sensation, and usually caused by simple pleasures. Now, write the top three things in your life that gives you goosies. Go! All of you! Don’t make me tag you.

  First, I despise when someone writes, Go! There’s no reason for that. Everybody understands your pathetic game. If you leave out the word go, it’s not going to confuse your friends. No one will say, I wanted to take part in your little game but you didn’t write go. I even kept refreshing the page waiting for your signal to start. It never popped up so I gave up on it!

  Just to prove my point, I’ll play the game right now. Here are my top three things that give me the goosies:

  1. Blow jobs

  2. Blumpkins

  3. Ass-to-mouth

  How’s that for goosies? Now, GO do it! Do I have any takers?

  The Fuck Along Challenge

  Read this guy’s brutally lame challenge. It’s embarrassing!

  So next Friday the family and I are going to go on a little trip. There are a few of you that know where we are going so I just ask that you please don’t post where we are going. I thought it would be kinda cool to post some pictures along the way to try and see if anyone can figure out where we are going. If you feel like playing along just leave a comment here and this is where I will post the pictures when it’s time!

  I would love to see the pictures of you getting ready for that trip. In fact, everybody you know on Facebook would be interested in that. Here’s what you should do.

  First Clue: Post a picture of your HIV negative test. That’s a fascinating way to start!

  Second Clue: Post a photo of you at the drugstore buying condoms and lube.

  Third Clue: This should be a picture of a Viagra bottle and a picture of your wife doing Kegel exercises. That is going to make it fucking interesting!

  Fourth Clue: When you get to the orgy house take a group picture of everyone before they take their clothes off.

  Fifth Clue: The next picture is all the clothes lying on the floor. That’s a fucking good clue. Something I would follow. It’s a bit of a tease but people will beg you for the next clue.

  Sixth Clue: The final image is one of an ice pack resting on your wife’s snatch. She’s holding it there because she took too many dicks.

  The Breakfast Bitch Challenge

  I wish I had the free time this next woman seems to have.

  Should I have a smoothie or oatmeal for breakfast? I expect an answer when I get back!

  I’m picturing her doing this early in the morning. She’s out of the shower, getting dressed, trying to get ready for work. Typical morning routine everyone has.

  Right at the point of eating some breakfast, she stops, grabs her phone, and challenges her Facebook friends with this question. Who gives a fuck what you eat? This woman is obviously begging for attention.

  I guess she’s thinking, I don’t get a lot of comments on my posts so I’ll lure my friends in with this question. The last four or five posts got nothing so I’ll leave it up to them then maybe they will say something.

  She’s forcing her friends to respond. She tells them she expects an answer when she gets back!

  Think about all of her friends and what they are doing in the morning. Let’s imagine one of her girlfriends sees this. Let’s say it’s a woman with a few kids. She’s trying to make sandwiches for their lunch boxes. One kid is tugging on her leg wanting more juice. The others are running around crazy looking for their books and school stuff.

  This friend stops for a moment to check her phone and she sees this Facebook notification, reads this breakfast challenge, and thinks, Oh man, she expects me to answer this question? I don’t have time to help this stupid bitch pick what she’s going to eat.

  I can imagine her checking back after about ten minutes and no one has responded. How depressing and pathetic will that be for her? She’ll think, This is fucked up! None of my friends give a shit about me. Did I make someone mad? Did I piss off all my friends?

  All of this shit goes through her head and this is the start of her day. Not to mention, she’s spreading her negative mood to everyone else that reads this and feels annoyed about being imposed upon.

  Thank God, in this case, one guy responded. But let’s be honest, he’s only doing it because he wants to bang her. Why the fuck else would someone respond to this stupid shit?

  He writes, Oatmeal!

  Oatmeal it is, she writes back.

  Woohoo! I directly affected someone’s life today.

  Hahahahaha!

  I’m glad you picked that because it was chilly and I would have been an icicle with the smoothie.

  You wouldn’t have been cold because you had a smoothie. Even if it’s December, you’re not drinking it in the backyard.

  That factored into the equation! he writes back.

  I give the guy a pass because I know what he’s doing. This woman appears to be a decently hot chick. He noticed no one responded and thought if I respond, I’ll score a few poin
ts with her. He’s thinking, this will help me get in her pants one day. He didn’t give a fuck if she ate a smoothie or oatmeal he just wants to eat her ass!

  The Shut Up & Die Challenge

  OK, ladies and gentlemen, time to play. When you think of me, what is the first song that pops into your head? Be honest. I just want to know what it is.

  All right sir, I don’t know you, but these are the three songs that pop into my head after reading your terrible challenge:

  1. Die Mother Fucker Die by Dope

  2. People = Shit by Slipknot

  3. I Want Bad Things to Happen to You by Wednesday 13

  The Fuck My Friend Challenge

  I’m single again and back on the dating scene, but women like the next one make me question what the hell I’m getting into.

  Going forward if anyone else happens to post on my wall. I would like to know your favorite song from a movie soundtrack for funzies! I’ll get things started I have two: “You Don’t Own Me” from the First Wives Club and “Cause I’m a Blonde” from the Earth Girls Are Easy soundtrack.

  Is that what I have to deal with in the dating world?

  If any woman likes First Wives Club she hates men. That’s a big man-hating movie. The only reason I know this is because my ex-father-in-law would watch it all the time. When we visited his house it was always on in the background. I was going to divorce his daughter over that but then I caught her having an affair with a twenty-two-year-old college student that still lives at home. That made my decision easier. Isn’t that funzies?