Everybody Is Awful_Except You!

by Jim Florentine

  If I start dating a girl and she says, Hey, do you want to have sex with me and my girlfriend?

  Are you fucking serious?

  Well, yeah, for funzies!

  NOPE!

  Why? Aren’t you attracted to my friend?

  Yes, but you said that awful word. So, now I’m going to have a little funzies with myself and my hand.

  The Last Challenge Challenge

  Guess this next challenge was created by a whole group of friends on Facebook. One of them started this song lyric game and the rest kept it going. Talk about funzies, this is the definition of funzies! I’d rather participate in a NAMBLA meeting.

  This is the game. I’ll start it off. What if Bruno Mars wasn’t your man? Keep it going!

  Here are the responses to his post:

  What if Lil John didn’t Turn Down for What? Keep it going!

  What if Madonna wasn’t a Material Girl? Keep it going!

  What if it didn’t feel good to be a gangster? Keep it going!

  What if Dolly Parton worked 8 to 4?

  What if Prince drove a little red Volkswagen and wore a raspberry baseball cap?

  What if the Beatles needed more than love?

  What if Otis Redding jumped off the Dock of the Bay?

  What if the Fresh Prince’s parents were understanding?

  What if Fat Bottomed Girls didn’t make the Rockin’ World Go Round?

  What if Afroman never got high?

  What if Rick Springfield actually had Jessie’s Girl?

  What if 867-5309 actually had a Jenny?

  What if I ended the chapter here? You can put the book down a moment and reflect on how thankful you are that you didn’t participate in this game.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  CRANK YANKERS: THE EARLY YEARS

  Six months after Howard Stern played my prank calls, a new opportunity presented itself that took my career in an unexpected direction. Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Carolla were coming off a successful run on The Man Show at Comedy Central and wanted to do a new television show that would present their brand of comedy in a whole new light. Like Howard Stern, Jimmy Kimmel was a huge fan of prank calls.

  Kimmel had heard about me through The Howard Stern Show and tracked me down, and I was offered the job. Professional comedians would record prank phone calls, like what I had done on Terrorizing Telemarketers, and the calls would be dramatized with puppets and animation.

  When I was first pitched on the idea, I thought the whole concept was awful; especially when they told me the show would use puppets. I figured it would last about three episodes before the suits running the network realized it was a disaster and cancelled the whole thing. Crank Yankers launched in 2002 and ended up running until 2005. It was revived a few years later on MTV2 in 2007.

  Welcome to Yankerville

  Many fans of the show wondered how it was put together. The most common question was how do you work the puppet and do the voice at the same time. I never worked the puppets and thank God, I didn’t. I’ve had my hand up someone’s ass before but never a puppet.

  My routine on the show was very easy. I did the voice of the character, recorded the call in the studio, and left to go get drunk. That was it for my part. They would fly us first-class to Las Vegas and put us up in the Four Seasons hotel to make prank phone calls. God Bless America.

  The Rebirth of the Retard

  Eventually, two of the characters I voiced, Special Ed and Bobby Fletcher, became favorites on the show. The writers transformed the character I simply called Retard into Special Ed. They had to change the name to something more politically correct and I had to sign ownership of the character over to Comedy Central for free. They wanted to own the character outright, if I said no, they would just find another person for the show. I figured let them have it; I’ll come up with something else down the road that I can own. It was either continue telling jokes in shitty bars or get exposure on a national television show.

  My mother would only watch the Special Ed segments because she’s very religious.

  She said, “I want to tell my friends that you’re on a TV show but you play a retarded kid with a helmet! I can’t tell my church friends that!”

  My mom was really proud that I was on the show but was praying for me because she thought doing this character might hurt my chances for getting into heaven someday. Meanwhile, if she went in my room and saw the fifty-gallon drum of hand cream she would realize I was a long shot to make it.

  Crank Yankers was well received and eventually developed a cult following, but the first year of the show had relatively low ratings. However, it had its fans and many of them were celebrities. During the 2003 MTV Movie Awards, Eminem won for Best Male Performance in a Movie. He wasn’t at the show that year so he submitted a video clip thanking MTV for the honor. The entire segment was Eminem doing an impression of Special Ed. A salute to his favorite show—Crank Yankers.

  Shortly after that, I got word that Eminem was interested in doing a skit on Crank Yankers and he wanted it to be with one of my characters. Apparently, Eminem had a soft spot for the show because he watched it with his daughter. The two of them had a routine of imitating their favorite character, Special Ed. So, the producers decided that they would send me out to Detroit to meet with Eminem. The plan was that we would spend a day recording different calls at his studio.

  I was so excited to fly out to Detroit that I didn’t pay attention to what I was packing in my luggage. I had a couple of boxes of stink bombs in my travel bag.

  If you’ve never seen them, stink bombs are tiny glass tubes you throw down to the ground and step on. When they break open, they release a sulfur-like substance that produces a horrible smell like rotten eggs. Some of my comedian friends and I were notorious for dropping these stink bombs at the most random times.

  For instance, Jim Norton and I would go to the local dance club and prank people with these little vials. We would be in different corners of a room and drop them simultaneously and then people would go nuts trying to get away from it. It would clear the dance floor in seconds. We were stink-bomb terrorists and nobody was sure when we would strike next.

  As I was going through security at the airport they found the stink bombs in my bag. They asked me to step out of line and eventually took me into one of the back rooms for questioning.

  “What is this?” They asked me. “Are you trying to bring a controlled substance onto the airplane?”

  I looked around the room. There were three cops, two senior TSA guys, and an immature comedian in the middle. It was a bad scene. I tried to explain what it really was. One of the cops grabbed my driver’s license and wanted to know what I was up to.

  I said, “I’m a comic and when I travel me and my comedian friends will drop these stink bombs in crowded areas and watch people run for cover. They smell like farts. It’s really funny.” Everyone was just staring at me in disgust when the cop holding my license blurted out, “You are thirty-three years old, what the fuck is wrong with you?”

  Now I’m panicking because I think I’m going to miss my flight so I say, “You see, I’m flying to Detroit for this television show called Crank Yankers.”

  One officer perked up.

  “Really, I’ve seen that show! Comedy Central, right?”

  “Yeah, that’s it. I do some of the characters on that show.”

  “Oh yeah, which ones?” He asked.

  “Well, there’s Special Ed for one,” I said.

  “NO WAY! You do Special Ed? Do it for me!”

  I cleared my throat and conjured up the retard.

  “Yaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy!”

  The cop laughed. “Yep, that’s it! Okay, get the fuck out of here. You have about five minutes to get on that plane. GO!”

  So, I grabbed my bag, ran to the gate, and thankfully caught the plane to Detroit. If you ever wonder why we still have issues with security at airports this story illustrates the problem. All you have to do to bypass our national security
is imitate Special Ed’s stupid voice!

  Meeting Eminem

  Once I made it to Detroit, I was nervous about meeting Eminem because if he doesn’t like you he will write a whole album about you. I didn’t want to be public enemy #1. But, once we were introduced, I realized I had nothing to worry about.

  “I can’t believe I’m in the room with Special Ed!” He said as he walked into the studio and shook my hand.

  “Likewise, great to meet you,” I said.

  In no time, we were recording prank calls where I was Special Ed and he was Special Em, and one call we made was to a 99 cents store asking how much products were over and over again until the staff people couldn’t take it anymore and hung up on us. We kept at it for about six hours and then went out to dinner. For months after that, I would periodically get crank calls from Special Em. Of course, I recognized Eminem immediately but I would play dumb and go along with him because if I called him out he would stop calling me. I let him continue doing it for at least a year pretending I had no idea who it was. A year later he and I did a bit on the MTV Video Music Awards where he beats up Special Ed onstage. I was amazed that Special Ed had grown popular enough that he could be a presenter on a major award show. To think it all started with me doing that terrible voice in my dingy apartment back in Jersey. I had no idea it would come to this.

  Crank Yankers lasted for four seasons and lived on in reruns. It was a great gig for me. You might say it was the American dream come true—burping and acting like a retard while paying off a mortgage—God Bless America!

  Awful Facebook Rule #9: Post a Worthless Weather Update

  The fastest way to get me to delete you on Facebook is to post a worthless weather update. There are so many of these on social media it’s like a bad joke plague.

  If you know someone following Rule #9 please lure them into the next lightning storm and make sure they are electrocuted. Just read the following examples and you’ll see how fast innocent small talk about the weather can ruin your day!

  Fighting the Seasons

  Winter’s Bone

  This fuck wants to fight winter because he’s annoyed with the colder temperatures.

  If this winter was a man, I would kick him in the dick repeatedly and tell him, “Thanks for ruining all our fun!”

  Are you really going to kick winter in the dick? I’m just curious how that’s physically possible? How do you know winter is a man? If winter is a woman are you going to kick her repeatedly in the cunt?

  Let’s accept that winter is a real person. How will you find him and give him this beating? Will you drive around in your car looking for winter? Maybe you’ll hire a private investigator?

  Let’s say you see winter at a Ruby Tuesday’s hanging out with his family, summer, spring, and fall. Will you wait until he finishes his potato skins before you assault him? Aren’t you worried summer, spring, and fall might jump in and stop the fight? Hmmm, I don’t think you’ve thought this through very well!

  Unless you ski, the winter usually sucks for people. You might want to think about relocating to a warmer state. I have a gut feeling that winter is going to be around for a long time. But, if you get in touch with winter, can you tell him not to let it snow on my property because I’m sick of shoveling snow. My neighbors will think it’s strange when they are snowed in and my house and driveway are bone dry but I’ll just tell them about you.

  Yeah, there was a guy on Facebook that kicked winter in the dick. He told winter not to snow on my house!

  If I knew who posted this, I would find him and kick him repeatedly in the dick. But, then again, he’s bitching about the weather on Facebook—that probably means he has a cunt.

  Crazy Dies Hard

  There’s no reason for this post.

  Whoever wished it would cool down a bit because they were a little hot. I’m pretty sure the genie from the lamp you found answered your wish. Way to waste one of your three wishes on garbage. Thanks for ending the summer early asshole.

  I’m curious where you find a genie in a bottle? A garage sale? On a beach? An antique store? How does this guy know that this is one of the wishes requested? Don’t you think a guy with a genie would wish for a bigger dick before he’d change the weather?

  Let’s say someone did find a real genie in a bottle. No one is going to make wishes about changing the weather. My three wishes would be to end terrorism, ban this fuck from Facebook, and to pull a threesome—in no particular order.

  What’s strange is he posted this in the middle of September, the traditional time that the weather cools down. A few minutes later, he flips to the other extreme.

  It is definitely a beautiful day out today. It feels like it is mid-fall but the trees and flowers still look midsummer. That’s a pretty darn good day! It’s the simple things in life that is given to us day in and day out that we must not forget to enjoy.

  This motherfucker is truly bipolar. One minute ago, he was ready to kill the guy who had wished for cooler weather. Now he’s writing a fucking Hallmark card about how wonderful the weather is and preaching to all of his Facebook friends about how they need to enjoy the simpler things in life.

  He goes from hating the new season and wanting to murder a genie to loving the change in weather. Guess what, he’s not done!

  His next post takes another unexpected turn and confirms he’s nuts:

  I just had a dream I played the role of John McClane in Die Hard. Eat your heart out Bruce Willis! I played the role perfect.

  Do you think someone sent this over to Bruce Willis? Do you think it ruined his day? I bet Bruce took a moment to think about his career after reading this.

  Fuck man, this guy played the role perfect! Maybe I should get in contact with him and find out what the hell he did to play it so perfect. Maybe he could coach me on how to be a better actor?

  I’ve never heard anyone complain that Bruce Willis was bad in that role. It doesn’t seem like this shithead is enjoying the simple things in life if he’s dreaming about replacing an actor in a movie from 1988. Will his next post say he’s mad that the senior George Bush won the election?

  Bruce Willis and Die Hard haven’t been in the news for ages. What would possess this guy to make this post? Hey dude, do everyone a favor and use that genie from the lamp to wish for an early death.

  Harassing the Weather

  Noah’s Douche Ark

  Here is another douchebag complaining about the weather.

  Yowza! It is pouring outside. Call Noah!

  Does Noah have a phone? It’s been about 5,000 years since we heard from Noah.

  Also, does this guy think Noah can build an ark that quick? If the rain is already “pouring outside” isn’t it too late?

  Never mind the timing, I understand why this guy posted this. There’s been a bunch of reports about Noah showing up and building a quick ark and saving families and pets from drowning, right? What? No? You don’t recall that happening? You know why, because it never did!

  I hope someone floods this guy’s Facebook page with kiddie porn!

  Pissing on Storm Gods

  This guy writes:

  The storm gods must be really messed up in the heavens today. We have really heavy snow that is coming down like rain and now crazy thunder. Either they are getting it on up there or throwing up after a morning of partying.

  There are no storm gods in heaven and if there were, they’re certainly not drinking or fucking. I don’t think God is going to let people get shitfaced or have sex in heaven. He won’t let a storm of cum and puke fall from the skies onto innocent people.

  If God did let the storm gods drink, he wouldn’t let them do it in the morning. Maybe he would let them have a cocktail before bed. What kind of example would he be setting if he let people get drunk in the morning?

  I hate when people say, He’s up in heaven drinking a beer.

  No, he’s not. Where would he get the alcohol? Is there a liquor store up there? You’d think a liquor salesma
n would have talked about making deliveries to heaven, right? If there is how does the liquor get delivered? By airplane? What airline flies to heaven? I just checked United and the furthest they go is Australia. I want to know. I could use the frequent flyer miles.

  Your friend isn’t drinking in heaven. He’s in a wooden box in the ground. Stop thinking like a child.

  Why are you saying the storm gods are fucking because the heavy snow is coming down like rain and now crazy thunder? They wouldn’t multitask while they’re having sex. I highly doubt a female storm god is going to interrupt the male god while he’s eating her pussy, just to make some heavy snow and thunder. Anyway, if the storm gods were really fucking wouldn’t the snow be sticky and chunky?

  GARY FROM FLORIDA: SHIRTS & SQUIRTERS

  Gary from Florida is so committed to getting laid that he purchased a liquor store for about $400,000 just so he could meet more women. He didn’t go into this lightly. He had every intention to make sure it was profitable, which it was, but the main goal was to fuck as many women as possible in the cooler in the back of the store. Something about sex at thirty-four degrees Fahrenheit makes Gary hot. Why? He’s Gary from Florida, that’s why!

  Gary tells me while he owned the store he only pursued a small fraction of the women he met. Out of hundreds of numbers there were about twenty women worth calling. I ended up banging about six chicks in that cooler. It was easy, I’d call them up, take them out for dinner, tell them lets go back to my place, I know a guy that owns a liquor store. They’d always say, yeah, I bet you do! We’d laugh and stop at the store for some booze.