Godkiller (Hidden: Godkiller Saga Book 1)

by Colleen Vanderlinden

  “And if it was your mother? Or your aunt? Or E?” Nain asked. I looked over at him and met his eyes. “Will you tell me, if someone you love did it?”

  I glanced away. I knew if I told him, he’d want them dead.

  “Yeah, that’s what I thought,” he said quietly. And then he rose and walked out of the suite, leaving me feeling empty and lost, and more alone than I’ve felt since he came back into my life.

  Chapter Eighteen

  I waited around for Nain for a while, but when it became clear that he wasn’t exactly rushing back to our suite, I requested a meeting with Volodhal. I felt a stupid spike of excitement when the guard arrived to escort me to the Volod leader, and I tamped it down angrily.

  Stupid Volod. Stupid emotions. Stupid realm I never wanted to be in. Stupid fucking immortals fucking everything up literally every fucking hour of every fucking day…

  The guard escorting me cleared his throat, and when I looked at him, he was pointing his weapon at me.

  “Your hands, my Lady,” he said quietly. His hands were shaking.

  I looked down at my hands to see flames sitting in my palms, just waiting for me to throw it, to destroy, to let loose some of the rage and confusion I was feeling. So tempting.

  I closed my eyes and forced myself to take several deep, gulping breaths. It had been a long time since I’d lost control. I sure the hell wasn’t going to do it here. When I opened my eyes, the flames were gone, but the guard was still pointing his weapon at me.

  “I’m sorry,” I told him gently, trying to soothe him. “This has been a very stressful situation. I mean no harm. That happens sometimes,” I added with a shrug.

  He gave me a slow nod, keeping his eyes on me, and he lowered his weapon but didn’t re-holster it.

  We reached Volodhal’s throne room and the guard asked me to wait. I stood between the two guards outside the throne room, both of whom were watching me warily. Clearly, they’d been told about my little episode, and there was no doubt that Volodhal was currently being filled in as well.

  So I should have been stressed. I should have been mad. I should have been nervous and worried that any headway I’d made with the Volod leader had just been torn apart by my moment of rage. Instead, there was that stupid longing again, that giddiness I’d only ever felt at the prospect of seeing Nain.

  He would make a good mate for us, My Prison.

  What do you mean, us? I asked Nether, and she closed up again. I didn’t have much time to dwell on it. In the next instant, I was being ushered into Volodhal’s throne room. Volodhal rose and bowed to me, then kissed my knuckles, as always.

  “I’m sorry,” I told him. “I know they told you about the fire thing. No one was ever in any danger.”

  “I know, my Lady,” he said calmly. “I’m sorry this has been so stressful for you.”

  “Volodhal. You have to let me go home. They need me, and I can’t stay here and just hope that all is well in my realm. You wanted an alliance with me? You have it. Everything you’ve told me, everything I’ve learned… an alliance is necessary.”

  “Good. Then we can begin the ceremony immediately,” Volodhal said.

  I shook my head. “Did you not hear me? I said I’ll ally with you. We’ll work together—”

  “I did not foresee a mere alliance, Mollis Eth-Hades,” Volodhal said, his voice a low growl. “I have been a patient man. I respect the loyalty and feelings you have for your mate. And he is worthy of you. But he is not me, and no matter what, you were meant for me. And do not pretend you don’t feel it as well. I see the way you look at me sometimes, the way your pulse jumps at the side of your throat, the way your pupils dilate when I’m near you — all signs of your kind’s arousal.”

  My jaw dropped and I stared at him. I checked myself. Yeah, there was need there. That stupid longing.

  Please, My Prison, Nether whispered.

  “Is there a restroom nearby?” I asked Volodhal. He looked at me in confusion, undoubtedly wondering at the quick change of subject.

  “Yes. There is a powder room to the left, there,” he said, gesturing toward a door at the side of his throne room.

  “Please excuse me for a moment. I’ll be right back,” I told him, and he nodded, still watching me with a bemused expression on his face.

  I locked myself inside the little powder room taking a moment to note the smooth white walls, the streamlined faucets and soft lighting. There was a small chair in one corner of the room, and I sat on it and closed my eyes.

  It’s you. You want him, I thought at Nether, anger and relief at war with one another.

  I am drawn to him as I’ve never been drawn to another, My Prison.

  My gut twisted. This has all been you. You would have used my body to have him.

  I sensed a twinge of guilt from her. Then anger. And you have used my power these long years, she pointed out.

  Because you’re using my fucking soul as a prison, Nether. I took a breath. Which is fine.

  It has been a long time since I wanted something for myself, Nether told me.

  You recognize that had you overruled me, had you forced me to give myself to him, it would have been against my wishes. You would have let him touch me and do gods knows what else to me, knowing I don’t want him. There’s a word for that shit, Nether.

  I felt shock and horror from Nether. My Prison!

  That is exactly what it would have been. All this time, you’ve been pushing your emotions to the forefront when I’m with him. What if you’d caught me when I was weak or tired? When I was distracted, as I am today? You would have taken my choice from me.

  My Prison, My Prison… I… I am sorry.

  I closed my thoughts off from her and sat, eyes closed, taking deep breaths.

  “Mollis, I know this is difficult for you,” Volodhal said from outside the powder room. From the sound of him, he was standing right outside the door. “It cannot be helped. This is our destiny. In time… in time, you will forget what you felt for your mate. I will be everything you need.”

  I didn’t answer. I didn’t want to be anywhere near him. I’d thought my days of battling Nether for control were over. This felt far too much like the days before she’d wrested control away from me and ended up freeing herself through my death. She’d taken control, more than once, and I hadn’t even known it.

  Oh, fuck. Please tell me you haven’t already let him—

  No, My Prison. You have never yet yielded control to me in regard to Volodhal, Nether said. I swear it. I longed for it… I did not intend to make you act against your will.

  In the meantime, Volodhal continued. “Think of it, Mollis. Fighting side by side, and then, at night, learning each and every inch of one another’s bodies. I’ve dreamed of you, of how it will feel to be inside you. I’ve wondered at the taste of you, whether you moan or scream when in the throes of passion…”

  I tuned him out, felt that stupid, asinine longing and need, but at least now I knew it was coming from Nether.

  An idea started to gnaw at me. I turned it over, continuing to tune out Volodhal’s wooing.

  Nether?

  Yes, My Prison? she asked timidly. I could feel her guilt. At her heart, Nether is good. She’s not great at impulse control and she’s spent most of her existence having no choice at all.

  Fuck. This might be the kind of thing that comes back and bites me in the ass later.

  What else is new?

  I think I want to test something out. Will you help me?

  If I can, My Prison.

  I think maybe it’s actually you he wants. Not me.

  That is not possible, My Prison.

  Humor me. It will help me figure out how to move forward.

  I will help.

  I took a deep breath. I’m releasing my hold on you. Free yourself.

  My Prison? I don’t want to. Freedom is a nightmare. Oh, My Prison! Please don’t punish me so. I am sorry. I swear I will not—

  Nether, it’s only te
mporary. But if I’m right, you might decide you prefer freedom. And if not, you can come right back.

  What suggests that he wants anything other than you, My Prison? She asked, confusion and worry flooding me, from her.

  He’s drawn to me for reasons he doesn’t even understand. He claims he foresaw me, but that I was not what he expected. He’s drawn to my power… but you are at my core.

  This seems doubtful, My Prison. Why in the world would he want me?

  Nether. Remind me that when we find Nyx, I need to kick her ass on your behalf.

  I sensed humor from her. No one has ever said anything so nice to me before, My Prison.

  It’s because I love you, Nether. Will you help me?

  She didn’t answer, but I felt her moving, slowly flowing away, her energy leaving me. It felt like summer, like the sensation of a warm breeze washing over me.

  I felt the last of her flow away, and the first thing I felt was loss. Nether had been part of me for so long, her place in my body and life energy so much a part of me that I felt wrong not having her there.

  Of course, panic followed. I wanted to believe that Nether had learned to be better than she had been, that she wouldn’t immediately try to destroy me…

  I opened my eyes, and Nether stood there. She is me, but in reverse. While my hair and wings are black, hers are snow white. While my eyes glow white, hers glow black. I reached out, and she silently embraced me.

  I’m going to go out and speak to him. Please stay here, and quiet, until I come to get you.

  I will, My Prison.

  Volodhal had given up his monologue, and when I walked back into the throne room, he was slumped on his throne, a look of misery and frustration on his face.

  “Don’t be so emo. You’re a king, for fuck’s sake,” I said. His gaze jerked up to my face.

  “You were in there forever.”

  “It’s been a stressful day and I needed some alone time.”

  “So you took it after asking to meet with me?” he asked. He was studying me, brow furrowed.

  I shrugged. “That thing that claims to be my father remains in our suite because I can’t trust him home without me there. It’s stressful, on top of so many other stressful things.”

  I sat in the front row of benches in front of his throne, and Volodhal stood up and came to me, then folded his large form into the seat beside me. He was silent, and I felt his gaze on me. I peeked at him from the corner of my eye to see him frowning.

  “Is there a problem?”

  “No,” he said slowly. “I just realized I haven’t been this close to you before. Not for any extent of time.”

  “Not as exciting as you’d thought it would be, huh?”

  He didn’t answer.

  “I like really rough, filthy sex by the way, so if you don’t know how to do that, you better learn,” I said. “And I like having my back rubbed. And if you don’t know where to buy a good croissant or a decent cup of actual coffee, you need to learn to make some.”

  “I—”

  “Oh. And I’m particular about scent. I’ll find a cologne for you that I like.”

  “Mollis… oh. I understand. You’re trying to be vexing again.”

  “Just being me.” I turned my head, and he was still studying me.

  “What did you do to yourself in the restroom?” he asked.

  “Hm?”

  “Are you on drugs or something? I know it’s a thing in your world, but I hadn’t expected it of you.”

  I laughed, and it felt so good to be in control enough that I really didn’t give a shit how Volodhal felt about it. “You’re not attracted to me anymore.”

  “I am!” he insisted, standing up and pacing between where I was sitting and his throne. “I suppose I just realized we hadn’t spent much time together. The idea of you I had was much different from the reality, perhaps.”

  “Are you suggesting that I’m not an absolute fucking delight to be around, Hal?”

  “Hal?”

  “It’s a nickname.”

  “Most people call me Lord Volodhal,” he said, stopping his pacing to study me again.

  “Surely you don’t expect your wife to call you that, Hal.”

  He looked away, and his distress was plain on his face. It took everything in me not to jump up and down and do a victory dance.

  I’d stopped wanting this alien asshole. Nether might actually get to be happy. And I might get to go home, once he realized Nether was the one he wanted.

  Plus, I’d have a strong ally in Volodhal’s household. Nether might love him, but she was mine. You don’t share soulspace with someone without considering them part of you.

  “I’ll be right back,” I said. I stood up and headed toward the powder room.

  “Again?”

  “When you gotta go, you gotta go, Hal,” I said as I walked away. I slipped into the room to find Nether sitting in the chair I’d vacated. She looked up at me, and I could feel the worry in her.

  He doesn’t want me, I told her. It’s time for you to meet him.

  Oh, My Prison. What if he rejects me? What if I am not what he wants?

  Then he’s an idiot and unworthy of you, Nether.

  She smiled, and it struck me, in a way it never had before, that Nether was beautiful. She was one of the original gods, of course, but I’ve never really let myself think of her that way. She was always just Nether to me.

  No, I have the feeling he’ll absolutely adore you, I told her. Clothes might be good, though. She’d reformed her body after freeing herself from me, but that was it. Can you glamour some on?

  She studied me, then closed her eyes, and a moment later, she was wearing loose white pants and a form-fitting white tunic, not unlike what I wore, but, of course, in reverse, white to my black.

  Gorgeous. Are you ready?

  Nether took a breath and nodded. I opened the door, then reached back and took her hand in mine. Volodhal stood, about to say something, and his gaze focused on Nether.

  “Lady Eth-Hades?” he asked, staring at Nether.

  “Volodhal, this is Nether,” I said.

  He stared, and Nether stared back.

  “Nether,” he said quietly. “She told me about you.”

  Nether winced, and I could have killed Volodhal. Anything Nyx had had to say about Nether was idiocy.

  “Nyx was wrong about many things. Including Nether,” I said firmly. He didn’t seem to hear me, staring at Nether.

  “She had you imprisoned,” he said to her.

  “I was freed… I claimed part of Mollis and freed myself when she left the Nether. She has sheltered and protected me ever since.”

  “And Nether has done the same for me,” I said, and Nether squeezed my hand gratefully.

  “I… I felt you, when I was there. I felt you when I foresaw…” Volodhal trailed off, unable to take his eyes off of Nether.

  “You felt her, because it was Nether you were waiting for all this time. Not me,” I said.

  Volodhal glanced at me. “This is unexpected.”

  I nodded. Then I turned to Nether. “I think you two should spend some time talking to one another. Do you want me to stay? Because I will if you want me to.”

  I could tell that her first instinct was to ask me to stay. She was nervous, unsure, but over all of it, excited and longing for Volodhal. She smiled. “I will be all right. Thank you, My Prison.”

  I smiled, feeling a deep pang. I knew in that instant that she wouldn’t be back. “Not your prison anymore, I think,” I told her.

  She put her hands on both sides of my face. “Always, My Prison. My protector. You are my sister and savior.”

  I refused to cry in front of her. I nodded, and she leaned forward and kissed my lips, a soft, fluttering kiss. “Find your mate, Mollis,” she said. And then, in my mind, I will make sure he lets you return to your home. I promise you that.

  I smiled at Nether, then glanced at Volodhal, who still seemed shell-shocked, staring at Net
her. “Later, Hal,” I said. He tore his gaze away from Nether.

  “I will make sure she returns to your suite safely, Mollis Eth-Hades.”

  I grinned. It’s easy to think Nether’s weak. If he tried anything she didn’t like, he’d find out soon enough that the direct opposite was true. Nether, both in power and the fact that she’s risen above what Nyx did to her, is stronger than all of us. Still… it wouldn’t hurt to make sure he behaved himself. “We’re mentally tied to one another. Give me even a single reason to think she’s in danger, and I will kill you.”

  “I would never harm her, Lady Eth-Hades.”

  I gave him another look, then smiled at Nether, telling her to let me know if she needed me, and then I left. The guards outside came to attention when they saw me.

  “Where is my husband?” I asked.

  “In the training room,” one of them said. “Shall I take you to him?”

  “Please.”

  The guard led me through the corridors. It was the first time I’d been anywhere other than the route that led from our suite to Volodhal’s throne room and personal quarters. I tried to remember details and directions, just in case.

  I could feel Nain nearby, At the end of one corridor, we reached a set of double doors, and the guard waved me through. I pressed my palm to the panel next to them, and they slid open. The scene before me was not what I had expected. The Volod, including Nain, had all shed their human forms. There was a round sparring area, and most of them were gathered around it, cheering on the combatants in the ring.

  Nain was one of them. The other Volod was just as tall, but not as bulky. They punched each other ruthlessly, delivering blows that would have killed a human. They were relentless, the sound of fists hitting flesh almost sickening to listen to. I sensed for Nain.

  He was enjoying himself.

  I watched him, his muscles bunching, his fists delivering blow after blow, his body taking the same, and I realized that this was quite likely the first time he’d ever been able to fully feel what his body could do. I knew what that felt like, to be sure you can do more, be better, but feel like something was holding you back. Now that he’d rediscovered his own people, now that being around them had prompted him to fully come into himself, he was able to fully be himself.