Godkiller (Hidden: Godkiller Saga Book 1)

by Colleen Vanderlinden

  I watched, and dread settled over me.

  What if one of the things he discovered was that he didn’t love me nearly as much as he’d thought he did?

  What if knowing that one of my family members likely killed his parents was the end of us?

  Nain held up a hand and stepped back, and he and his opponent bowed to one another. Nain made his way over to me, and all I could do was stare at him.

  His demon form had always done a little something for me, and other than the horns and the peek of sharp black fangs, he looked very much the same. All I wanted was to shove him to the floor and lick every single inch of him.

  “What are you doing here, baby?” he asked, grabbing a towel and wiping sweat from his face and chest.

  “Nether is with Volodhal,” I said. He furrowed his brow.

  “Why?”

  “Because she was the one he actually wanted. She was the one he foresaw. And she wanted him. Really, really badly,” I added with a small laugh, glancing away from Nain. “She’s going to try to convince him to let me go home, especially if they decide to bond one another.”

  “Are you sure it’s a good idea?” he asked.

  “I trust Nether.”

  He didn’t answer, and I glanced up at him. His expression had totally shut down, and there it was again, that wedge between us thanks to the revelation about who had likely killed his parents.

  “You know, it’s pretty dickish to be pissed at me about something that happened literally hundreds of years before I was even born,” I hissed at him.

  “I’m not pissed at you.”

  “Yes you are.”

  He stopped wiping himself down, throwing the towel into a bin behind me, then he glared at me. “No, I’m not.”

  I glared up at him. “I told you I’d find out who it is. Until I know that, I can’t say what I’ll do about it. You can’t possibly expect me to just say, outright, that I’ll kill my mom or my aunt or E or whoever did it. We don’t know why they were killed. Are you fucking kidding me with this shit?”

  He turned away and started heading back to the group.

  “I’m not done yet,” I said.

  He turned and glared at me. I am, he said in my mind. Go back to your room, Molls.

  Fuck you. Make me. I’m not leaving until you talk to me, you big Volod bastard.

  He turned away from me and went back to the group of Volod. I watched him go.

  So, what? If they decide to attack me, whose side will you be on?

  He didn’t answer, and I couldn’t let myself believe that things could have ever gotten this bad, this quickly. We were fine when we woke up together, and now everything was shit.

  Nain.

  I felt his irritation, and then I felt something I haven’t felt in all the time we’d been together.

  He closed his mind to me, shutting me out completely. I stared at him, and he didn’t bother looking back at me.

  I was away from everyone who gave a shit about me, except, I guess, for Brennan.

  Nether was gone.

  Nain was shutting me out.

  I’d dreamed, over and over again, of being alone. When it all got to be too much, when I felt like I wasn’t enough, I craved solitude.

  I’d forgotten how much it hurts to be alone.

  Chapter Nineteen

  It was late. Brennan and Hades had turned in hours ago, and I’d eventually given up sitting up waiting for either Nain or Nether to come back and gone to bed.

  Nether had thought at me a few times to let me know she was fine and not to worry. She seemed happy. She also assured me that I should be ready to go home in the morning.

  Without Nain. Even if whatever was wrong was fixed, he wasn’t able to come back with me. Not yet.

  He’s going to stay here, and the more time he spends in this fucking place, the more I’m going to lose him, I thought as I lay in the dark. I’ve never, not since the day we started up with one another again, worried that he’d leave me. The one thing I knew, when I knew nothing else, was that Nain loved me. It was the one thing I knew I could hold onto, that he loved me and he’d always be there for me, that even when we argued, even when we were so pissed at one another we couldn’t even be in the same room, he loved me.

  He’d never been like this. This cold. This detached. I thought back through all the years. Even early on, in the first weeks of getting to know him, I’d known that he at least gave a shit. And then I’d realized that he wanted me, and then, later…. That he loved me. And I’d lost him and mourned and wished I was dead, too.

  And then he’d come back, and we’d found our way back together. No matter what else, we’d had each other’s backs ever since.

  I blinked back tears, hating them, hating the heaviness in my chest, the sensation that I could barely breathe. Every breath was a fight, and, after a while, I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore.

  The best thing about a demon (or whatever the fuck it is) marriage bond is being able to feel your mate, being tied to them and their emotions in every way.

  And now, I knew that the worst thing was being able to feel your mate. I knew he could feel every bit of shit I was going through, and from him…. I didn’t feel a fucking thing, other than irritation.

  I pressed my face into my pillow, smothering the stupid, wracking sobs that shook my body. Every moment of his disregard for my obvious distress just felt like another stab to the heart.

  Sadness and mourning turned to rage. I’d gone through this crap, learning what I was when I’d thought I was something else. I’d never fucking taken it out on those I loved… had I?

  I flopped onto my back for a few moments, then got up and splashed cold water on my face. I opened my bedroom door to find Brennan in the sitting room. He studied me as I walked further into the room, arms crossed over my chest.

  “Was I like this, when I found out what I really was? I mean, we were together then. You knew me best during that period. Was I—”

  “Like what?” he asked quietly.

  I shrugged. “Did I become a total stranger overnight? Did you get the sense that I wanted to leave you behind?” I whispered.

  Brennan blew out a breath. “You were mostly confused during that time. You were mourning Nain. You were unsure about us, and then you were learning about what you really are.”

  I watched him, and he finally shook his head.

  “No, Molly, you never became a stranger. And you never made me feel like you were leaving me behind. Not over the discovery of what you really were, anyway. The Nain stuff… that was always there. But you finding out you were an immortal didn’t change us.”

  I nodded and looked away. “Have you talked to him at all?”

  “For a minute. He said you told him Nether was with Volodhal and that he’d likely let us go home soon?”

  “Yeah. It was Nether he wanted. And she wanted him. She was the one he foresaw, not me.”

  Brennan nodded, and then was quiet, thinking it over. “It’s kind of the best of everything. He gets what he wants, Nether hopefully gets what she wants, and we have a crazy-powerful ally here among the Volod to watch your back.”

  “Yeah. That’s what I was thinking, too. If Nether hadn’t wanted him—”

  “You wouldn’t have even considered it,” he said, and I nodded.

  I bit my lip, feeling stupid tears coming to my eyes again. I’m, um…” I looked down. “I’m sorry if I hurt you at the end. I didn’t… you knew what I was feeling and I—”

  “Molly, Jesus Christ,” Brennan said, standing up and coming to me. “Hey.”

  I made myself look at him, then angrily wiped the tears away.

  “I wasn’t surprised when we ended. Okay? And you didn’t do anything to intentionally hurt me and I was pissed at the time but I get it now. Yes, It hurt. I loved you and I was sure you were it for me. We loved each other. It hurt to lose that. But that’s unavoidable and it just shows how much we loved each other while we were together.” I looked awa
y, and he muttered a curse under his breath and pulled me into his arms, hugging me tightly. “It’s okay,” he said. “Nain loves you, Molly. Whatever’s going on with him, you two are going to work through it and you’ll be fine. And you and me? We’re good. You’re one of my best friends in the world and you always will be. Okay?”

  I hugged him back, sniffling against his shoulder.

  “And if he doesn’t figure it out, I’m gonna kick his ass,” Brennan added, and I laughed.

  I squeezed him once more and let him go, and he released me. “How much time have I spent crying on your shoulder?” I asked, wiping my eyes again.

  He grinned. “My shoulder is always here for you.”

  “Thanks, Bren.”

  “Anytime.” He was about to say something, and then clamped his mouth shut.

  “What?”

  He shook his head. “I was just thinking that if he doesn’t get his head out of his ass, he’s going to have E going all Rage-Tinkerbell on his ass.”

  I laughed. “E’s the best.”

  He nodded.

  “I’m glad you two ended up together. You both deserve someone who will love you the way you need them to. I’ve never seen her as happy as she’s been since you two started up.”

  Brennan smiled. “And you and Nain are the same way, except when he’s being a dickhead.”

  I crossed my arms over my chest again and nodded. “I should go back to bed. Were you waiting up for him?”

  He shook his head. “No. I thought I heard you crying but I wasn’t sure. And then I didn’t want to bug you.” He shrugged.

  “Shifter hearing.”

  “Sorry. It can be intrusive. I try not to be.”

  “It’s okay. Thanks for being here. I feel… well. No Nain, no Nether.”

  “You still have them both, Molly. It’ll be okay.”

  “I hope so.” I started walking back to my room. “Night, Bren.”

  “Night, Molly,” he said. I got back into my room and crawled into bed. I curled up on my side and closed my eyes, determined to sleep.

  Of course, I didn’t. I was determined not to think about Nain, but I worried about everything else. My kids. My mom. Who’d actually killed Nain’s parents and why. Had the Asgardians made a move in my world? I didn’t think so; I could still feel the dead dying and souls being collected. Would Nether be happy? Had I made the right move? What was the first thing I should do when I got home? I wondered if Heph had managed to create anything new.

  I wondered where my mate was spending the night.

  After a while, I heard the outer door open, and then our bedroom door. I didn’t speak, and neither did he. I heard the rustle of fabric as he pulled his clothes off, and then his side of the bed sank under his weight.

  Part of me was just relieved that no matter what else was going on, he’d come back to me.

  And part of me wanted to scream at him for being an asshole.

  We lay in silence for a long time. I knew he wasn’t sleeping. He was still shut off from me. I may as well have been in the bed alone.

  “So, what? Is this how this ends?” I asked quietly. “Over something we don’t even know the facts on, something we’re taking on faith because Nammov, who we barely know at all, said it?”

  “We’re not ending,” he said.

  “Kinda feels like it.”

  He sighed and I felt him roll over, then he pulled me up against him. I elbowed him as hard as I could in his stomach and heard him release an “oof” as I knocked the air out of him. I moved further away, keeping my back to him.

  “What the fuck was that for?”

  “For being an asshole,” I hissed. “You felt what I was going through all night, and you fucking stayed away. You closed yourself off from me. You didn’t even care enough about me—”

  “Stop,” he growled.

  “Fuck off.”

  He reached out for me again, and I shoved his hand away. He didn’t let go, pulling me toward him and I fought against him, trying to wrestle myself out of his grip until he finally pinned me to the mattress beneath his body.

  “Stop, Molls,” he said in a low voice.

  He felt so cold. I felt those stupid tears threatening again, and he lowered his forehead to mine.

  “Calm down, baby,” he said. “Shit,” he said after he kissed my cheek and felt tears there. “I’m so sorry, baby,” he whispered, kissing one eye, and then another. “I’m sorry. Shit.”

  I started to have some hope that everything was okay, that he was coming back to me. He was still shuttered, still not letting m into his mind.

  “Nain?”

  “You’re going home in the morning,” he said quietly, for my ears only. “You and Bren and Hades. And you’re going to stay away.”

  “I’m not leaving you,” I whispered.

  “You have to. And I want you to.”

  I froze. “What?”

  “Baby, I need you to trust me.”

  “Trust you? When you look at me like you hate me? When you close your mind off from me and don’t seem to feel a goddamn thing, knowing how much I’m hurting right now?”

  He lowered his mouth to my ear. “They’re listening to us. Struggle like you don’t want me touching you.”

  “Easy enough right now,” I muttered back, struggling against him.

  “I don’t trust Nammov,” he said near my ear as I shoved at him. “He’s up to some shit.”

  “How do you know?” I asked.

  I struggled harder, and he wedged a thigh between my legs, pressing it to my body. I groaned, and he pressed harder against me.

  He bent his head to my ear again, sucked my earlobe between his teeth then I felt his hot breath on the sensitive skin at the side of my neck.

  “I pay attention. He thinks I’m his right now. He thinks he won my trust by what he said about my parents earlier. He saw how I reacted, and he was all over me later. Always makes me suspicious, when someone starts kissing my ass out of the blue,” he added. He buried his hands in my hair and pulled hard, baring more of my throat to him. He bit and licked and the sting of pain from him pulling my hair only added to the sensations. He was still closed off to me, but I could feel how much he wanted me. He bit the top of one of my breasts and I cried out.

  “He wants me to hate you,” he said. “He wants us divided. The fucker was practically pissing himself he was so happy when I stalked out earlier,” he said near my ear. “You’re still mine. Every part of you is mine,” he said louder, as much for whoever was listening as for me. He reached between my legs and found me, impossibly enough, ready for him. Just being near him was usually enough. He groaned and slid one long, thick finger into me, and I cried out.

  “Keep moaning,” he said near my ear, as if it was even possible for me not to. “Good, baby,” he murmured. “So good. I can’t open my mind to you even though I want to. They’re reading your physical responses. Anger, fear, happiness. They have shit measuring all of it. And one of the guys in the training room mentioned some telepathy-detecting tech they were working on. They might have it, preparing for you to get here. So no communication with thoughts for me. You should still try, though, because if you stop now, they’ll figure something is up.” He moved his fingers faster, harder, and in spite of everything, I felt myself getting closer to the edge.

  Which also partially explained why he had his hands between my legs while he was telling me this. Any emotion or physical response would be picked up as anger our arousal. Smart. My husband is a smart, asshole of a… Volod.

  “I love you,” he whispered, pushing a second finger into me, and I cried out, squirming against him. “I will never, ever not love you.” He drew me closer to the edge, and I bucked against his hand, crying out. “That’s right. No matter how much you hate me, you want me,” he said aloud, again for our audience.

  The fact that it was also the truth wasn’t something they needed to know.

  “You’re mine, and I’m yours. I’m sorry I hurt yo
u, baby. They need to think it’s real. And when we wake up in the morning, I’m going to treat you like I hate you, and I’m going to hate myself for it.”

  He removed his fingers from me and I whimpered in need. He pressed the hard bulge in the front of his pants against my aching body. “You’re going to go home and kick ass, and we’ll make our way back to each other, and then we’re going to destroy anyone who puts you in danger. And until then, you’re going to ache, right there,” he said, pushing against me again, and I gasped, “because you know just as well as I do that I never leave you wanting. So you know I’m gonna come back to you, and I’m gonna finish what we just started here. Right?”

  “I love you,” I breathed against his ear.

  “I love you more, Molls,” he whispered. “Ignore anything I say out loud from here on out. Promise.”

  I nodded, and he pressed his face to the side of my neck.

  “Fuck, I don’t even want it anymore,” he said aloud in that same cold, dismissive voice he’d used with me earlier. “Get away from me.” He rolled off of me, and I scooted away, my body still aching from the way he’d touched me. He quickly reached over and patted my ass, and I reminded myself that he loved me.

  And also that I’d make Nammov pay for every single moment I’d doubted Nain. We couldn’t get out of this shithole of a realm soon enough.

  Chapter Twenty

  When we woke up the next morning, Nain acted just as cold and distant as he had the day before. We dressed in silence and headed into the sitting room to find Hades and Brennan already awake and having tea in one corner of the room. Both of them gave Nain irritated looks when he walked into the room without saying anything, leaving me behind him. I felt anger rolling off of Brennan, annoyance from Hades. I wanted to tell them that it was okay, but having them angry would make it all seem more real.

  It was hard to remember, in the light of day, with Nain acting like he barely knew me, that none of it was real, that he loved me as much as, and maybe more than he ever did. But I could still feel the ache between my thighs, the desire that he’d kept smoldering, reminding me of how much he wanted me.