The Heart's Ashes

by A. M. Hudson

  I placed my hand on his, over the scar. “It burns when I’m in the sun, but mostly, I forget it’s there.”

  “I’m sorry. I wish I could have—”

  “Don’t, Mike. It’s over. I don’t like to think about it.”

  He dropped his hand, his head followed. “When you shared blood with David, did his bite hurt you the way the attacker’s did?”

  “No,” I said, my eyes staying focused as I watched the memory. “David never used his fangs, so what he did was nice, intimate.”

  “How can it be intimate?” Mike leaned out a little. “It’s disgusting.”

  “So are eggs, but we eat those.” I smiled, snapping out of my gloom.

  “Eggs weren’t once human.”

  “Yeah, but, in the moment, you really don’t see it that way. You should try it sometime.”

  He paused for a second, a mischievous grin lighting the corners of his eyes before showing in his lips. He made a low, fake growl, and launched at me, sinking his teeth softly into my neck; it tingled all down my body and up my spine.

  “Help. Help, a vampire.” I giggled, gripping his back with my nails.

  “Mm, delicious.” He sounded like Count Dracula, laughing as he spoke, then kissed my neck and wiped it with his hand. “You’re right—that is good.”

  “Told you.” I looked at his neck, becoming Mrs. Dracula as I rose from the seat. “Now, I vunt to suck your blurd.”

  “Show mercy on me, succubus.” He wrapped my hips with his big, strong hands, and held me on the stool in front of him, my waist to his chest. I bent down and rolled my tongue across his flesh, wishing I was a vampire—wishing I had the ability to feel his pulse through my teeth. “Mm, salty,” I said, kissing his neck gently.

  He groaned, tightening his grip. “That feels too good.”

  I kissed his neck more firmly, my lips delving into the sensation of his silky, warm flesh—my Mike, my strong, loving Mike. It felt so good to touch him this way again—so good, because he wanted me to do it, too.

  Heat tingled through my body, making my hands, so small against his face and neck, grip tightly, as if I could possibly hold him in place if he wanted to break free. But he didn’t. He stayed, holding me while I pressed his flesh between my teeth. I loved the sensation, the way his skin went tight between them, falling softly against my tongue on the other side.

  “Ouch. Ara, stop,” Mike yelled out, pulling me away just as I tasted something metallically spicy.

  Oops. I smiled, wiping my mouth with my hand. “Sorry. Guess you’re not as durable as David was.”

  “That stings.” He winced, covering his neck.

  “I know. I know, I’m sorry.”

  He pulled his hand away, shaking his head at the tiny drop of blood on his palm; it rose in little bubbles from under the raised bruise on his neck—just like the one David accidently gave me in the closet under the stairs. “That really hurt, Ara.”

  “Don’t be such a big baby.”

  He laughed, gripping my hips again to pull me closer; I should’ve moved, but stayed on my knees, on the stool, really close to him. “Well, I’ll stop being a baby if you stop playing the vicious succubus.”

  “Fine. But, you liked it, right?” I said.

  “Yeah, just until the end when you ripped my throat out.”

  “Shut up.” I slapped his chest with the back of my hand. “I did not rip it out.”

  He looked at my neck then—at the scar Jason left. “I guess I understand now, how that would’ve felt.”

  “Try adding venom to it—it burns like fire.”

  Mike dropped his hand heavily onto mine as I sat back down next to him.

  “I’m glad you didn’t change into a vampire, Ara.”

  “Me too.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah.” I frowned at him. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

  He shrugged. “I just thought—”

  “You thought what?”

  “I thought you wanted to be.”

  I do. “Well, then you don’t know me very well.”

  Mike tried to hold back a laugh. “Yeah, or maybe I know you better than you think.”

  Hmpf. “I just wanted to be with David. It’s not like I fantasise over killing or biting, or anything.”

  “I know.”

  “Do you?”

  “I know what you are, Ara. I know you’re messed up and confused, quite frankly, you’re damn hard work, but I know you’d never want to hurt anyone.” He looked into his lap. “Not intentionally.”

  “Not intentionally, huh? Didn’t I just rip your throat out?” I laughed.

  “Well,” he said, “you already did that to my heart, guess you got the whole collection now.”

  I upheld a momentary vow of silence. Ouch.

  “Sorry, Ar, I didn’t mean’ta say that.”

  As he touched my shoulder, the insult inside me forgot to be insulted; I grabbed his face and twisted my body until my lips found his.

  “Ara?” he said, stopping me for only a breath before the hesitant searching of his lips was gone, giving way to an intense pull of passion—the strong, unyielding desire to make me his.

  His firmness melted my defensive heart, making it race, while I fought for a breath of composure. I wanted to throw him down on the couch and get this tension out of our systems, once and for all, but in the very same beat of my heart, wanted to stop.

  I pulled back and slapped him across the face.

  “Ow.” He covered his cheek, his maple eyes laced with shock. “You slapped me. I can’t believe you just slapped me.”

  “You kissed me back!”

  His mouth hung open a little. “I—of course I kissed you back. What did you want me to do?”

  “Not kiss me back!” I stood up.

  “Ara, for God’s sake.” Dropping his hand, he gave a brisk headshake. “Girl, I just don’t get you. This isn’t some old black-and-white movie. You can’t just kiss a guy then slap him.”

  “Why not?”

  He groaned. “You have a lot of growing up to do.”

  “And you’re supposed to be moving on from me—you should’ve pushed me away. You should’ve said no.”

  “So, I’m supposed to help you control yourself against urges you don’t want to have, but, despite wanting not to want me, still do have?”

  I paused, lost in double negatives. “Yes.”

  The ring of the doorbell forced Mike to swallow his next sentence. “Are you expecting anyone?” he said instead, looking behind him.

  “Yep. That’ll be Eric.” I looked up at Mike, relieved for the break in the moment. “He’s right on time.”

  “Why is he here?” Mike stood taller, squaring his shoulders.

  “Be nice, Mike. He means well.”

  “He means to have sex with you.”

  “Mike?”

  “Sorry. It’s just—I’m a guy. I can read his thoughts.”

  “Well, then you must be able to read mine, too, and I am never gonna do that with him. If I’m not willing to give my heart to you, what makes you think he’s going to get it?”

  “He’s a killer—it’s his job to entice you.” Mike grabbed my arm as I walked away.

  “No, his job is to fix bikes, his talent is to entice.”

  “Where’re you going, anyway?”

  “Something called Karnivale. It’s at this fair-ground, with rides and stuff.” I shrugged him off and headed for the door.

  “How come I’ve never heard of it?”

  “Um, I don’t know.” I stopped in the front hall, keeping my eyes on the ground.

  “Well, I’ll go get Em. We’ll come with you.”

  “Uh, actually, it’s kind of just a thing for vampires,” I said, turning to face him.

  “What! He’s taking you to a blood-bath? Ara?” Mike grabbed my arm again.

  “It’s fine, Mike. There’re other humans there.”

  “Then why can’t I come?”

  “Because I don�
��t need a babysitter.” I pulled my arm free. “Go hang out with Em—she’s been sulking in her room all day anyway. She needs perking up.”

  “Sulking? Why?”

  “Because of some guy she likes, who hasn’t noticed her or something.”

  “Guy?” Mike’s brow lowered on one side, his body turning slowly to look down the hall to Emily’s room. “What guy?”

  “Bye,” I called, closing the front door behind me, walking a little faster in case Mike decided to physically stop me from going out tonight. He didn’t.

  “So, I’m not getting your heart, ehy?” Eric grinned as I climbed into his four-wheel-drive.

  “You already know that. I made it very clear.”

  “I know. It just hurt to hear you say it.”

  “Shut up, Eric. It’s not my heart you want.”

  “Very true.” He winked as we turned the corner.

  “God, my heart is still pounding.” A pulse-steadying hand rested against my chest as we headed away from the Big Top. “That was the best circus show I’ve ever been to.”

  “I’m going to assume you liked it, then.” Eric, pinning his arm to my waist, dipped his long fingers into my popcorn bucket, his grin brightened by the flashing lights of carnival rides.

  “It was freaky—but very amazing. I can’t believe some of the tricks you vampires can do. I can see why us humans have believed in magic for so long.”

  “So, you weren’t scared?”

  I laughed, feeling sheepish about all the screaming and diving into the concealment of Eric’s shoulder. “Was that a rhetorical question?”

  Eric just laughed.

  “It’s not something I’d take Sam to see, especially with all the nudity.”

  “It’s not nudity, Amara. It’s body paint.”

  “I know. But you could see everything on those girls.”

  “Just the way I like it.” A memory very clearly spread across his thoughts then, making him smile. “So, what about that lion act? Were you afraid it might jump the railing and eat you?”

  “Oh my God, yes.” I laughed out the words and linked arms with him, snuggling closer. “But, I knew you’d take care of me.”

  “I wouldn’t be so sure; I have been trying to get a taste of your blood since I met you last month.”

  “Yeah. Blood, I don’t mind...it’s what follows.”

  Eric stopped walking and turned to face me. “What if I promised you?” He brushed a strand of hair from my face. “I could promise you we won’t do that.”

  “We both know you can’t make those kinds of promises. I can’t even do that. I have enough trouble controlling my human urges as it is now—mix that with blood and...” I hoped Eric would get my drift.

  “Human urges?” His easy smile separated us from the crowd for a moment.

  “Yes, I get urges.”

  “Like...?” He walked more eagerly beside me.

  I shook my head. A part of me wanted to tell him; a part of me wanted to grab his hand and press it to my waist—to hold it there and walk closely until we both decided to go home, take off all our clothes and lay chest to chest—just feeling the connection of skin on skin—the closeness of touch, of being loved.

  Only it wouldn’t be love. Not with Eric. But it could feel like love—just for a while. Just long enough to...

  “Hey.” He clicked his fingers in front of my face. “You still in there?”

  “Ur, yeah, sorry.” I smiled sheepishly.

  “So, you were saying?”

  “No, I wasn’t.”

  “Oh, come on, Amara. I like the idea of you having urges—it makes you seem more...human.”

  “I am human.”

  “I know. But you deny yourself any human feelings, so it kinda makes it hard for me to get what I want from you.”

  “And, what exactly is that—just to be profoundly clear.” I wedged my hands onto my hips.

  “I want your tiny little body—” he looked down at my hips as he pulled them to his, “—to be against mine. I want your sweet, human breath, to be on my lips, my chest, and other places good girls don’t go.” He smiled at my open-mouthed expression. “And I want to do things to you no other guy is man enough to do, all while planning to keep you alive.”

  “Planning to?”

  “It’s just—” He brushed my hair over my shoulder and rolled his spine so we leaned out from each other a little, our hips together like a ribbon-bound bunch of posies. “When I have sex with a human, it’s always so meaningless, because I know I’ll kill her shortly after. I don’t have to be gentle or caring or thoughtful. With you, it’s different.”

  I used my elbows to push away from him. “That’s so frickin creepy, in so many ways, I can’t even process it.”

  Eric just laughed at me, staying a few steps behind my storm-off.

  “What!” I demanded, turning back to face him.

  “You just said frickin.”

  My eyes, betraying me by offering a smile, blinked a few extra times as I tried to hold it back, but, then, I burst into a light chuckle as well.

  “Come on,” Eric said, taking my hand. “Let’s go on that carousel you’ve been waiting for, then we’ll go back to yours and make sweet—er, love?”

  “Hm,” I scoffed indignantly. “I don’t make love anymore—that stuff was for the chivalrous and gallant Knight boy I used to think loved me.”

  “Oh, ho-ho—” Eric bounced a little. “What’s this I hear? Spite? Is our Ara-Rose becoming jaded and resentful?”

  I shrugged. “I guess so.” I was. I didn’t know why, but being at Karnivale, I just felt edgy and used and alone and...closer to David, who I knew wasn’t coming back for me. But despite that, still blurted out, “Do you think he could be here?”

  Eric’s scoff sounded like a music box being wound up, tight and scornful. “No. Unless he has a death wish.”

  I offered him some popcorn, seeming casual. “Well, what if he might be just—”

  “Amara, forget David.” He chewed the popcorn as he spoke. “Last I heard, one of his friends saw him in Egypt—he was not the same David.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, you know how if we don’t eat for a while, we kind of get—”

  “Monstrous?”

  “Yeah, well, the same goes for extreme pain. It’s the body’s way of coping; our defence mechanism, you might say.”

  “So, what you’re saying is…that David—” I swallowed the lump in my throat, “—has given himself over to the monster?”

  “That’s what I heard.” He shrugged. “Even if he came back—which he won’t—he won’t be the same David; he’ll be more like—”

  “Jason.”

  “Jason? God, no. Jason’s not li—” His words cut short, his hand shifting me back as a flaming wall of heated colour brushed past my face, receding an inch before catching my hair. “Watch it, dick head.” A mime in black and white went tumbling to the ground by force of Eric. “I like mine raw.”

  I looked up at him, eyes wide.

  Eric just grinned. “Sorry—inside joke.”

  “Not funny.”

  “Was to me.”

  I folded my arms tightly and walked past the mime-turned-carpet.

  “Aw, don’t be so sensitive, Amara. If you wanna hang out with a vampire, get used to the way we live.”

  “Used to it? What, you want me to accept that you kill people—that you like them raw?”

  “Yeah.”

  “That’s sick.”

  He groaned. “We don’t see it that way.”

  “No. You don’t see it as a waste—you don’t see it for the sick, sadistic and horrific act it is.”

  “It’s not like the horror movies, Amara. It’s a beautiful death.”

  “Spoken like a vampire.”

  “Come here.” He grabbed my hand and dragged me to the edge of a circus tent, then lifted the heavy fabric wall. “Look, this is normal for us—it’s not for a human, but you can’t class yo
urself as a human when you hang out with me.”

  I peered into the darkness and instead of recoiling, merely watched as a girl on a round bed, at the centre of the room, laid at the mercy of a devilishly handsome man. He caressed her breasts under the torn remnants of her clothing, making her moan loudly, rolling her spine to force her flesh against his lips.

  “Does she look scared to you?”

  I shook my head, unable to look away. As the vampire’s kisses led him to the purlieu of her inner thigh, he stopped and looked over at us just before sinking his teeth into her leg. The girl gripped the pillow and cried out—a cry of pleasure.

  I looked away, faced with my own nightmarish memories of the same kind of scene—but without the enjoyment.

  “Don’t do that.” Eric turned my face back and pointed. “She’s enjoying it.”

  “Until she dies.”

  “She won’t know.” Eric rolled his eyes. “The venom numbs the skin—she’ll be in ecstasy until she passes.”

  “It didn’t numb mine.”

  “I know.” He nodded softly. “That’s because it was an attack. If it’d been a lustful kill, like it’s supposed to be, you wouldn’t have felt it.”

  “Really? So venom only numbs when there’s lust?”

  “That’s what we assume. We’re not human, so it’s hard to say.”

  “Why the thigh?”

  “Huh?”

  “Why is he biting her there?” I looked back at the tent.

  “Oh, it’s a, well, it’s a sweet spot—the bloods warmest there, and it tastes sweeter than anywhere else. It’s also close to the va—”

  “Eh. Enough said.” I raised my palms.

  Eric just laughed, then swept his arm out in a bowing gesture toward the carousel. “Shall we then?”

  “Sure.” And we walked, and strangely, what I just saw didn’t upset me or disturb me. I could accept it as a part of who Eric is. I wasn’t sure it’d be the same if it were David, but this creepy, sadistic side, seemed to fit well with Eric. It didn’t change who he was to me. I still wanted to be around him. But I wondered if that made me as sick as him, if maybe I was turning into a monster—like, perhaps, Jason’s venom left some kind of evil in me.

  Eric paid the toll, exchanging a grunt with the pass over of money when the carousel attendant licked his lips in my direction, grinning eagerly. “Some people are so rude.” I folded my arms in objection.