I Want to Hold Your Hand

by Marie Force

  “I know.”

  “It brings it all back. With Caleb.”

  “I know that, too.”

  “When Hannah said Caleb must be happy to see Homer . . .” He shook his head. “That killed me.”

  “Come here,” she said, urging him to turn into her embrace.

  He did as she asked, his arms encircling her. “Sorry,” he said, his voice muffled by her hair. “This wasn’t how I expected to spend our first night of officially living together.”

  “Please don’t apologize for being upset, Will. I only met Homer a couple of times and didn’t know Caleb at all, but I’m heartbroken for Hannah. I can only imagine how you must feel.”

  He hugged her for a long time as Cameron stroked his hair and back, wishing there was something she could say or do to make him feel better.

  “I’m so glad you’re here to stay,” he said, breaking the long silence.

  “So am I.”

  He pulled back so he could see her face and kissed her softly.

  As she caressed his cheek, she stared at the face she’d longed for during the weeks apart while she packed up her life for the move.

  “What do you suppose it means that Hannah and Nolan had plans tonight?” he asked.

  “I suppose it means that maybe things have progressed a bit since they danced at the Grange.”

  “God, that would be awesome. I couldn’t believe it when she said they’d had plans for tonight.”

  “I was proud of you and the rest of your family for biting your tongues on that one.”

  “Wasn’t easy,” he said with the first hint of a smile.

  “I bet Hannah knows she’s in for it as soon as things settle down a bit.”

  “For sure.” He leaned in to kiss her again, a bit more intently this time. “I don’t know about you, but I’m totally wiped out. What do you say we hit the sack?”

  As the thought of hitting any horizontal surface with Will Abbott made her heart leap for joy, Cameron said, “Fine by me.”

  They stood together in the bathroom to brush their teeth and then Cameron rushed into bed, pulling the down comforter up to her chin as her teeth chattered. She couldn’t believe it when he emerged from the bathroom naked.

  “Are you for real? I’m freezing, and you’re naked?”

  “I’m counting on you to warm me up.”

  “You’re going to be very disappointed.”

  “Never.” He curled up to her, big and strong and warm and solid. “I still can’t believe you’re here to stay and I get to sleep with you every night. I feel like the luckiest guy in the universe.”

  “I feel just as lucky.”

  “You’re wearing way too many clothes though.” His hand worked its way under the sweatshirt, making her startle when his cool hand touched her much warmer belly.

  “There’s no way you’re getting me naked tonight, mister. I’m way too cold.”

  “I’ll warm you up. I promise.”

  “No!” Cameron screamed when his other freezing hand landed on her back.

  He laughed at her reaction and put his arms around her, hugging her close to him. By now she knew him well enough to expect him to cajole her out of her clothes, something he was exceptionally good at, but he didn’t try. Rather, he held on tight.

  “Are you okay?” she asked.

  “I feel like I did when Caleb died, which is ridiculous because . . . Well, it feels ridiculous.”

  “It’s not ridiculous.”

  “I hope this doesn’t set Hannah way back, right when she seems to be stepping forward a bit.”

  “It’s apt to give her a few difficult moments, but we’ll all be there for her, and we’ll get her through it.”

  “I think about him all the time,” Will said. “Caleb . . . He was . . .” Will blew out a deep shaky breath. “He was unlike anyone else I’ve ever known.”

  Because he seemed to need to talk about the brother-in-law he’d loved, Cameron said, “How so?”

  “It’s hard to describe him to people who didn’t know him and do him justice. But he was smart and strong and fearless and probably more than a bit crazy. He could be loud and obnoxious, and he loved to get drunk, and by drunk I mean hammered.”

  “What did Hannah think about that?”

  “It was the only thing I ever heard them fight about. She used to say she wasn’t having kids with him until he finished growing up.”

  Cameron could feel his lips curve into a smile against her neck.

  “I wish you could’ve seen him play hockey. He was a madman on the ice and spent a lot of time in the penalty box.”

  Cameron chuckled at the picture he painted.

  “He was also freaking brilliant. He graduated with a perfect 4.0 GPA. Who does that?”

  “Not me, that’s for sure. What did he major in?”

  “American history. He probably could’ve played professional hockey, but he chose the army instead. I think a lot about what might’ve been different if he’d chosen hockey instead.”

  “Why do you think he chose the army?”

  “His dad was an army officer, and it was all Caleb knew growing up until his dad retired and moved here when he was in middle school. Army life left a big impact on him. Colonel Guthrie has never been quite the same since Caleb died. He blames himself.”

  “That’s so sad.”

  “The whole thing totally blows. It’s weird how life goes on and time goes by and you don’t think about it all day, every day anymore. Then Homer dies, and it’s like it just happened.”

  “It’s a reminder.”

  “Yeah.”

  “For what it’s worth, I think Caleb must’ve been a truly amazing person to have so many people still passionately committed to his memory seven years after he died.”

  “All of us, everyone who loved him, we’ll always be passionately committed to his memory. It’s all we’ve got left of him, you know?”

  Moved by his words and the emotion behind them, Cameron nodded, kissed his chest and breathed in his familiar scent, comforted by his presence and extremely grateful to be loved by a man who loved so deeply.

  “I worry about whether Hannah can really move on with someone else or if maybe he was it for her.”

  “I hope that’s not the case. She’s so young and gorgeous and wonderful. I’d love to see her happy with Nolan or someone else if that doesn’t work out.”

  “So would I.” He shifted to gain access to her lips and kissed her. “I want her to be as happy as we are.”

  “I want that, too.”

  He nuzzled her neck. “Are you feeling warmer yet?”

  “A little,” she said, smiling.

  “I bet I can make you warmer than this big bulky sweatshirt.” As he spoke, he eased the sweatshirt up and over her head, and because she was dying to feel his skin next to hers, she let him.

  The brush of his chest hair against her breasts never failed to stir and arouse her, and this time was no different. After hearing him speak so eloquently about the friend he’d lost, Cameron loved him even more than she had before. She looped her arms around his neck and curled her leg around his hip.

  “I’d never get over losing you after what we’ve had,” he whispered against her lips.

  “I wouldn’t either.” The mere thought of losing him after waiting so long to find him struck fear in her heart, making her shiver, but not because she was cold.

  “I love you so much.”

  “I love you, too. I love that we get to be together all the time now.”

  “Nothing has ever made me happier.”

  “Me either.” He was usually all about the preliminaries, but tonight it seemed they both needed the immediate connection.

  Cameron sighed with relief and completion when he entered her and made slow, sweet, sexy love to her, all the while gazing down at her with all the love he felt for her apparent in his golden brown eyes. He never looked away, and neither did she. It was the single most intimate moment she’d ever
shared with anyone.

  She arched into him. “Will . . .”

  “Yes, honey, come for me.” His breathing became faster, matching the movement of his hips.

  Cameron clung to him as they hit the peak together.

  His head dropped to her shoulder, and Cameron combed her fingers through his hair while they absorbed the rippling aftershocks. She held on tight to the most important person in her life, wanting to keep him close forever.

  CHAPTER 4

  I’m not happy with Hunter and Will for inviting Caleb to our house ALL the time. They know I don’t like him, but every time I turn around HE is there. He gives me these weird looks. I try to ignore him, but it isn’t easy.

  —From the diary of Hannah Abbott, age fourteen

  Nolan came awake slowly and had no idea where he was until he breathed in the scent he’d recognize anywhere as Hannah’s. Her soft hair brushed against his chin, and her hand was warm upon his chest. They’d fallen asleep in her sitting room, reclined against a pile of throw pillows. The fire had long ago died out, leaving the room chilly and dark.

  While he knew he should leave her to sleep in a real bed, he couldn’t bring himself to disturb her after the difficult evening she’d endured. His heart broke for her at having to absorb yet another painful loss. He wanted to keep his arms around her and protect her from ever being hurt again.

  Ever since that Labor Day weekend five years ago, his feelings for her seemed to grow stronger all the time. The need to be with her, to talk to her, to touch her, to protect her was nothing short of overwhelming.

  She came awake with a gasp that had him instantly on alert and releasing his hold on her when she struggled.

  “It’s me, Hannah. Nolan. We fell asleep.” He was almost afraid to touch her, but he caressed her hair, trying to offer comfort. “Are you okay?”

  “Mmm. I was dreaming.” Trembling, she rested her head against his chest, probably because it was handy.

  Nolan wasn’t sure what he should do. Stay? Go? Offer comfort? Say nothing? After a few minutes of intense internal debate, he settled on the most innocuous of his many questions. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  She didn’t say anything for a long while, but he noticed that she seemed to relax against him even as the trembling continued. “It wouldn’t be fair to talk to you about my dream.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because it was about Caleb.”

  “You can talk to me about Caleb, Hannah. You know that.”

  “I want to be fair to you. I know . . . I’ve known for some time now that you . . . You care about me.”

  Because he couldn’t resist the need to touch her, he slid his hand up and down her arm, hoping to provide comfort more than anything else. “I do care about you, and I cared about Caleb.”

  “He cared about you, too.”

  “I miss him all the time.”

  She blew out a deep breath that shuddered through her body. “I dreamed about him seeing Homer again. Caleb was waiting for him, and Homer ran to him the way he always did.”

  “He jumped into Caleb’s arms?”

  She nodded. “Just like old times. Homer was making the sounds he used to make when Caleb got home from deployments. We called it his joyful noise. They were so happy to see each other.”

  As Nolan became aware of the warm seep of her tears though his shirt, she wiped her face. The huge lump that had settled in his throat made it difficult to speak, but he cleared his throat and made an effort for her. “I’m glad you got to see their reunion.”

  “I am, too, except . . .”

  “Except what?”

  “I . . . for the first time, I didn’t feel like I belonged with them. I was on the outside looking in.”

  “You don’t belong with them right now because you still have a lot left to do here.” Where those words had come from, Nolan couldn’t have said.

  “You think so?”

  “I know so. You’ve got so much life ahead of you, so many things you need to do before you join them.”

  “I’m sorry to dump all my crap on you.”

  “That’s not what you’re doing, Hannah.”

  “Sure, it is, and you’re a very good sport to let me ruin our first date so spectacularly.”

  “You call this ruin? I got to sleep with you in my arms. I call that perfection.”

  “Nolan . . .”

  “Too much? Sorry.” He said he was sorry, but he really wasn’t. He’d spoken the truth. “Do you want me to go?”

  “No.”

  “My truck is out front for the whole neighborhood to see. I don’t care who knows I’m here, but I’d hate for you to be the subject of gossip.”

  “Why don’t you put it in the garage then?”

  Thrilled that she wanted him to stay, he said, “Are you sure?”

  “I’m sure.” She got up to see to the logistics of opening the garage door for him and met him in the mudroom when he came back in. They returned to the sitting room where he stoked up the fire before joining her on the sofa.

  “Let’s lie down this time and do it right.” She produced a wool blanket that she tossed over them.

  With her pressed against his chest, Nolan had a hell of a time hiding what her close proximity was doing to him.

  “This is nice,” she said softly when they were settled.

  “Very nice.” His voice sounded tight and strangled, and he wondered if she heard it, too.

  “Are you okay?”

  “I’m great.”

  “You sound funny.”

  He released a nervous laugh. Did she really have no idea how badly he wanted her? Not just physically, although that was the overriding need at the moment, but every other possible way, too.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “You are.”

  “Why am I funny? I’m just lying here minding my own business.”

  “Right. That’s all you’re doing.”

  “What else am I doing?” she asked, sounding genuinely baffled.

  “You’re filling my senses with the scent I’d know anywhere as yours. You’re tickling my face with your silky soft hair. Your breath on my neck is giving me goose bumps, among other things.”

  Much to his dismay, she began to withdraw from his embrace.

  “Wait, don’t go. I never said any of those things were bad.”

  She stopped trying to get away, but she hung her head with dismay that broke his heart. “I’m being utterly unfair to you.”

  “How do you figure?”

  “I’m a hot mess tonight, and you’re just being nice to put up with me. I don’t have any right—”

  He laid his finger over her lips. “Stop. You have every right to do or say anything you want when you’re with me. There’s nothing you could do that would be wrong. Not with me anyway.”

  She rolled her bottom lip between her teeth in a move that made him even harder as she studied his face. “Nothing?”

  “Not one thing.” His heart slowed to a crawl as he waited to see what she would do. When her eyes shifted subtly to his mouth, he stopped breathing altogether. Then she leaned forward and laid her lips on his, just that, nothing more, but it packed a more powerful punch than full-on sex with any other woman ever had.

  “Help me, Nolan,” she said as new tears spilled from her eyes. “I don’t remember how to do this.”

  With his hands on her face, he used his thumbs to brush away her tears. “You’re doing just fine. Way better than fine.” He guided her toward him, taking pains to move slowly when his inclination was to devour. Her lips gliding over his was the closest thing to heaven he’d ever known.

  He kept his hands on her face, letting her know he wouldn’t ask for anything more than whatever she was willing to give.

  Without breaking the kiss, she relaxed against him, her mouth opening over his in blatant invitation. It took every bit of willpower he could muster to wait for her to make the next move. The last thing he wanted was to scare he
r off by taking more than she had to give. Right when he was certain she’d gone as far as she was going to, he felt her tongue slide over his bottom lip. He couldn’t contain the groan that rumbled through him.

  She pulled back and studied his face. “Was that okay?”

  “Hannah . . . Christ, you have no idea what you do to me.” His heart was beating so hard he wondered if it might implode inside his chest.

  “What do I do to you?”

  “What don’t you do? You walk into the room, and I want you. You speak, and I want you. You cry and I want to cry, too, because you’re hurting. I can’t bear to see you cry.”

  “I’m sorry. I just—”

  He stopped whatever she was going to say by kissing her again. “Don’t ever apologize to me for the way you feel.”

  She did that thing with her bottom lip and her teeth again, and he wanted to beg for mercy. “Why me, Nolan?”

  “I don’t know,” he said with a small laugh. “I’ve asked myself that over and over again. I’ve felt so guilty . . . Caleb was my friend, you know? One of the best friends I ever had, and to be thinking the way I do about his wife . . .”

  “What do you think about his wife?”

  “So many things I’d never dare to share for fear of you running away from me screaming.”

  She smiled at that, and the small movement of her lips lit up her entire face. “You underestimate me.”

  “I’d never be so foolish as to do that.”

  She focused on his mouth again. “I like kissing you.”

  “That works out well, because I love kissing you.”

  “Caleb wouldn’t want you to feel guilty for caring about me.”

  “You don’t think so? I have these visions of him gutting me with that big hunting knife of his.”

  “Stop it,” she said, laughing.

  Nolan much preferred her laughter to the tears.

  “He loved you.”

  “He would’ve gutted me if I’d so much as looked at you.”

  “Maybe . . . But you didn’t feel this way then.” She ventured a glance at his eyes. “Did you?”

  Nolan shook his head. “Not until a couple of years after.”

  “What changed?”

  “I don’t know exactly. I remember it was during one of the Sultans weekends here, and you were running around taking care of us the way you always do, and I thought how amazing you were to still put up with us.”