I Want to Hold Your Hand

by Marie Force

  “Those weekends make me feel connected to him, as odd as that might sound. It was comforting to do what we always did, even if it was difficult, too.”

  “It’s always so strange to not see him in the middle of everything. When I think of him, and I do every day, I picture him as the sun and the rest of us his planets, circling around him and whatever adventure he’d dreamed up.”

  “That’s a very apt—and very lovely—description.”

  Nolan knew he needed to ask, but he hesitated just the same. “Is this . . . You and me . . . Is it too weird in light of what we both felt for him?”

  She took a moment to consider his question, during which he had to struggle to get air to his lungs. What if it was too weird for her? What if it was too close to the past to enable the future?

  “I think it might be weirder to be with someone who didn’t know Caleb. At least you understand. You were there. For all of it.”

  Nolan nodded, knowing what she meant.

  She propped her chin on her hands, which were flat against his chest. “So . . .”

  “So.”

  “We’re going to do this?”

  “Define this.”

  Hannah raised a brow. “Do I really have to?”

  Nolan discovered he also adored her playful side. “Yep.”

  “Date. And stuff . . .”

  “And stuff? What stuff?”

  Her face turned bright red, which was absolutely adorable. “Nolan.”

  “Hannah.”

  “Don’t make me say it.”

  “Okay, I won’t.” As he gazed into her warm brown eyes, he knew he needed to ask her one more thing, the one thing that made his heart pound and his mouth go dry. “Are you ready for this, Hannah? Because if you’re not, that’s okay. I’m not going anywhere.”

  “I think I might be ready.” She looked down before bringing her gaze back to meet his. “Mostly because it’s you who’s asking.”

  Nolan closed his eyes against the rush of emotion her words invoked. Was this really happening or would he awake to discover he’d been dreaming, too? God, he hoped not because holding her was like having all his dreams come true at the same exact moment.

  She licked her lips and focused again on his mouth. “Do you think it would be okay if we . . .”

  “What, Hannah? Tell me what you want.”

  “I want to kiss you again.”

  Nolan released a shaky breath and framed her sweet face with his hands. “You don’t ever have to ask first.” Slowly, he eased her toward him, watching her intently. That’s how he saw her eyes flutter shut and her lips part in anticipation.

  As their lips met, her hand curled around his neck, almost as if she wanted to keep him there as long as she could. Again he had to remind himself to go slowly to not scare her off by showing her the full extent of his desire before she was ready to know.

  Then her lips parted and her tongue dabbed at his bottom lip, setting off a wildfire that burned through his system in a flash. The instant her tongue connected with his, he forgot all about going slow and taking his time. His fingers slid into the silk of her hair as he tilted his head to delve deeper into the sweetness of her mouth.

  She shifted, trying to get closer, and ended up with her belly pressed against his erection. Blinded by desire, he gasped but didn’t break the kiss and decided to stop caring if she figured out how badly he wanted her. He drew her closer, wrapping his arm around her while keeping one hand anchored firmly in her hair.

  She whimpered against his lips, and he was about to pull back, but she stopped him from moving with a firm grip on his hair. In the midst of the hottest kiss of his life, Nolan had the presence of mind to wonder if it was possible to expire on the spot from an overabundance of desire.

  • • •

  Hannah had forgotten how wonderful it was to be held and kissed by a sexy man who wanted her madly. And this was madness. There could be no other word for the way he made her feel. She’d gone from being tentative about kissing him to pressing against him shamelessly.

  That thought had her pulling back, reining herself in even though that was the last thing she wanted to do.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked, studying her with eyes full of warmth and affection.

  “Nothing.”

  “Something.”

  Her face flushed with heat. “I feel like I’m throwing myself at you.”

  His bark of laughter surprised her. “Please, by all means, throw yourself at me. Any time you’d like.”

  “And you won’t think less of me if I do?”

  “Hannah . . . Beautiful Hannah, I will never think you’re anything other than gorgeous and sweet and strong and courageous. So damned courageous you take my breath away.”

  Hannah shook her head. “I’m nowhere near as courageous as you think I am.”

  “Yes, you are, and there’s nothing you can do or say with me that would be wrong. I promise.”

  “You’ll have to be patient with me. I’m very out of practice with all of this.”

  He ran his hands up her back to squeeze her shoulders. “You don’t feel rusty to me at all.”

  Hannah laughed at the way he waggled his brows. “You’re very smooth, you know that?”

  “I’m not feeding you bullshit, Hannah. I mean every word.”

  “I know.” She looked down at him, drinking in the sight of his kiss-swollen lips, the slash of color in his cheeks that hadn’t been there earlier, the fall of his hair over his brow and the heat in his eyes, all directed at her. “You’re going to be tired tomorrow.”

  “It’ll be totally worth it.”

  In between heated kisses, they talked for a long time that night—about everything and nothing. She had no recollection of falling asleep in his arms, but the sound of his heart beating under her ear woke her the next morning. Before she had time to process the fact that she’d spent the night in Nolan’s arms, her front door opened and her dad called out to her.

  Hannah sat up abruptly, rousing Nolan from a sound sleep as she tried to do something with her unruly hair.

  Her parents strolled into the sitting room and stopped short at the sight of her, Nolan and the blanket.

  “Oh,” her mom said. “So sorry.” With her hand on Lincoln’s chest, Molly steered her husband out of the room.

  CHAPTER 5

  Caleb spent the summer with his grandparents in Missouri. He’s different this year. Maybe he’s FINALLY growing up! He’s a lot taller, and he’s got muscles all of a sudden. It’s so weird! I still don’t like him.

  —From the diary of Hannah Abbott, age fifteen

  “Shit,” Nolan muttered, running fingers through his hair.

  “At least we were dressed,” Hannah said with a small smile.

  “There is that.”

  “Feel free to sneak out. I’ll let them know it was on the up and up. Not that I feel the need to explain myself to them, but I will just the same.”

  “I’m not sneaking out. We’ll face them together.”

  That he was unwilling to take the easy way out of an embarrassing encounter with her parents made Hannah’s insides flutter.

  “Shall we face the music?” he asked with a wry smile that drew one from her, too.

  “If we must.”

  Nolan’s hand on the small of her back eased her nerves as Hannah walked into her kitchen to find her mom bustling about making coffee and her dad pretending to be absorbed in the newspaper he’d already read at home.

  “Sorry to barge in on you,” Molly said.

  Was it Hannah’s imagination or was her fearless mom having trouble looking at her or Nolan? Her entire family had been coming and going without so much as a knock at her house since Caleb died. They’d never had to worry about walking in on something because nothing had ever happened. Until last night . . .

  “We just wanted to check on you,” Lincoln added, seeming mortified by the entire thing. “After Homer and all . . .”

  “It’s fine,
Dad. We were talking and fell asleep. Nothing scandalous.”

  “We . . . didn’t see your truck outside, Nolan, or we never would’ve come in,” Molly said, her face flushed with embarrassment that was so far out of character for her that Hannah could only stare.

  “It’s in the garage.” Nolan’s voice was calm despite the awkwardness of the situation. “We didn’t want the whole town talking about us before we were ready to be talked about.”

  The press of his fingers against her back reassured her, as did his steady presence next to her. She’d forgotten what it was like to be half of a couple. Not that she’d go so far as to call them an official couple, but having him stand by her side in front of her parents went a long way toward lowering her defenses where he was concerned.

  “Makes a lot of sense,” Lincoln said gruffly, which brought back fond memories of how ridiculously overprotective he’d been when Hannah first began dating. He’d grilled all her dates as if they were planning to run away and marry her rather than take her to the movies. Only Caleb hadn’t been intimidated, but he’d known her dad for years by the time he started dating Lincoln’s daughter. “That coffee ready yet, Mol?”

  “Coming right up.”

  Nolan took advantage of their preoccupation with the coffee to press a light kiss to her temple. “I’ve got to get to work. I’ll call you later.”

  Hannah smiled up at him and nodded.

  “See you later, Mr. and Mrs. Abbott.”

  “Bye, Nolan,” they said in unison.

  Hannah walked him through the mudroom and held the door to the garage open for him as he stepped into the boots he’d left there the night before. “Sorry again about my folks.”

  “They’re fine,” he said. “They’re doing what any decent parents would do the day after their daughter suffered a painful loss.”

  Hannah experienced a pang of sadness at the thought of Homer. She was really and truly alone now. Well, except for her humongous family and loving friends, especially the one who was looking at her now with concern etched into his handsome face.

  “You okay?”

  “I will be. Your company helped a lot last night. I appreciate you staying.”

  “It was a terrible hardship, but somehow I survived.”

  Her smile stretched from ear to ear.

  “That’s a beautiful thing,” he said softly, gazing down at her with unabashed affection. He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and ran his finger over her cheek, making her nearly swoon from the sweetness of his gesture. Then he zeroed in on her lips, making her body heat from the memories of what had transpired between them during the night.

  Hannah licked her lips, and his eyes burned with desire as he gazed at the slide of tongue over lips. “What’s a beautiful thing?”

  “That smile. I’d do anything to see it every day.” He brushed a kiss so fleeting over her lips that Hannah barely had time to register that he was kissing her before it was over.

  She wanted to plead for more, but this wasn’t the time or the place for more.

  “I’ll see you soon.”

  Hannah nodded and pressed the button to the garage door opener, closing it after he’d backed his truck into the driveway. Before she returned to face her parents, Hannah took a series of deep breaths, hoping her face wasn’t as red as it felt. She pressed cold hands to her face, but that did nothing to address the pounding of her heart or the dryness in her mouth.

  When she walked back into the kitchen, her dad popped up from the table with comical speed. “I’ve got to get going to work.” He kissed his wife, who patted his arm as she smiled at him. “George and Ringo are probably tearing up the Rover waiting for me.” He kissed Hannah. “Let me know if I can do anything for you, honey. Anything at all.”

  Hannah leaned into him, breathing in the familiar and comforting scent of the aftershave he’d worn all her life. “Thanks, Dad.” She had no doubt that he’d sell his soul to the devil to save her from one additional minute of pain in her lifetime, and she loved him for that. But she also knew he had no desire whatsoever to hear the details of her evening with Nolan.

  Her mother on the other hand took a seat at the table with a steaming mug of coffee, settling in to talk it out.

  Her dad left, and Hannah turned to face her mother.

  Molly raised a brow in silent inquiry. “So.”

  “So.” No one said Hannah had to make it easy on her.

  “Not in the mood to chat?” Molly asked.

  Hannah took her time pouring a much-needed cup of coffee. She moved deliberately to stir in cream and a bit of sugar. “Not particularly.”

  “Hannah . . .”

  “Mom . . .”

  Molly blew out a breath that gave away her exasperation. “You always were the toughest of my nuts to crack.”

  “In a pack of ten, a girl’s gotta do what she can to stand out.”

  “I have to say that in spite of your decision to torture your poor old mom, I’m glad to see you smiling this morning. We were worried that Homer’s death would be a setback for you.”

  “I’m trying not to let that happen.” Hannah stared into her mug as the dream from the night before resurfaced with clarity that made her heart ache.

  “What is it, honey?” Molly asked. “I hope you know I’m not looking to pry, but I want to help if I can.”

  “I know you do.” Hannah debated for a full minute, trying to decide if she could really give voice to the torturous thoughts that had plagued her since she woke from the dream. “Last night,” she began haltingly, still staring at her mug, “I dreamed about Caleb for the first time in a long time.”

  “Oh honey. That happened when Nolan was here?”

  Hannah nodded. “He was great about it though.”

  “I’m glad you weren’t alone.”

  “In the dream . . . Homer was running to Caleb.” She finally glanced at her mother. “The way he used to.”

  Molly’s eyes glistened as she smiled. “Leaping into his arms?”

  “Yeah. They were so happy to see each other.”

  “Of course they were.” Molly brushed at a tear as she forced a cheerful tone. “They were the very best of friends.”

  “Caleb looked so good. He was smiling and laughing and holding out his arms to Homer. His hair was long, like in college, and he just seemed so . . . alive and so . . .”

  Molly’s warm hand covered hers. “So what?”

  “So beautiful,” Hannah said with a sigh. “He was so beautiful. He hated when I said that. He said it made him feel like a pussy.” Molly’s ringing laugh made Hannah smile. “Sorry, I know you hate that word.”

  “Caleb loved a lot of words I hate.”

  “That he did.” Her husband’s colorful vocabulary was one of the things she missed most about him, even if his language had mortified her at times. There was nothing he wouldn’t say, and the word filter wasn’t in his dictionary.

  Molly continued to chuckle and dab at her eyes. “I can so hear him saying that.”

  “He said it all the time because I told him frequently how beautiful he was.”

  “He never had a doubt that you loved him with your whole heart and soul, Hannah. Not one single doubt.”

  “I know. When I saw him in the dream, I wanted so badly to run to him, but I couldn’t. Even though I was asleep, I knew I could only look but not touch. And then when I woke up with Nolan . . .” Hannah swallowed hard because this was the part that had torn her up. “I realized that if faced with the choice, I’d always choose Caleb, which is so unfair to Nolan. How do I start something with him knowing I’d always choose Caleb over him?”

  “You’ll never have to make that choice, honey. Life and fate and God or whatever you want to believe has already made it for you. Caleb was your past, and perhaps Nolan is your future, but you don’t have to choose one of them over the other. You’ll always love Caleb, and any man you end up with will have to understand that Caleb is as much a part of you as your lovely brown
eyes or your art or your great big family.”

  “What if, in the next life, they’re both standing there before me at the gates to heaven, and I go running to Caleb?”

  “If you were to have thirty or forty years with Nolan, you might not run to Caleb. Did you consider that?”

  It had never crossed her mind that she might one day come to love someone else more than she’d loved Caleb. How was that even possible? But if her mother was right, it was not only possible, it was probable that she might form a deeper bond over decades than the one she’d shared with Caleb in the twelve years they’d had together.

  “What’re you thinking?”

  “That I probably have no business starting something with Nolan when I’m still so screwed up over Caleb.”

  “You’re not screwed up, Hannah. You’re the strongest, most courageous, resilient person I’ve ever known, and I couldn’t be more proud of the way you’ve conducted yourself in the years since we lost Caleb.”

  Her mother’s forcefully spoken words brought tears to Hannah’s eyes.

  “You’ve earned the right to be happy, and if Nolan makes you happy, spend time with him. Give yourself permission to start over.”

  “I want to. I really do, especially because it’s him, and he loved Caleb so much. He gets it, you know?”

  Molly nodded in agreement. “When he first took a shine to you, I couldn’t decide if his friendship with Caleb would be a pro or a con. I can see how it would help you to move forward with someone who lived through it and understands what you’ve lost.”

  “Right. But . . . I often wonder if it would be easier and less risky to just be by myself.”

  “It’d be both those things and awfully lonely, too.”

  Hannah could attest to the loneliness. After years of contentment with her own company, she’d begun to chafe a bit lately at the boundaries she’d set for herself. As the long cold winter came to an end and spring began to bloom all around her, she wondered if it wasn’t also time to step outside the cocoon and start over again.