Whiskey, You're The Devil: An Addison Holmes Mystery (Addison Holmes Mysteries Book 4)

by Liliana Hart

  I pulled jeans out of my closet first and found out very quickly that my knee was not going to fit through the leg hole.

  “Yoga pants it is.” I pulled a pair out of the drawer and then grabbed a loose sweater in baby blue. Tennis shoes were out of the question because I couldn’t really bend over to tie the laces, so I opted for my black Uggs. I pulled my hair into a ponytail and slipped a black baseball cap on my head. I was downstairs and ready to roll with two minutes to spare. Savage was already in front of the house. Or at least I assumed it was Savage. He was in a white panel van with the words Speedy Cleaners painted on the side.

  I grabbed my bag, made sure the dogs had water and food, and then hobbled out the front door as fast as my aching body would allow. Savage’s brows raised as I opened the car door and ungracefully slid inside. I arched my own brow at the sight of him. He was wearing a pair of white coveralls and a baseball cap that said Speedy Cleaners just like on the side of the van.

  “That limp could be a problem for our morning activities.”

  “I just need to walk on it a bit. It’ll loosen up.”

  “If you say so. You were mostly in one piece when I left you yesterday. Do I want to know how this happened?”

  “Probably not. Do you want to tell me why we’re driving around in a Speedy Cleaners van and why you look like you’re about to paint a house? I barely recognize you.”

  Savage pulled up his pant leg and I saw a pair of purple socks with palm trees all over them. “Recognize me now?” he asked.

  “Yes, much better.”

  “I’ve got the boxers to match.”

  “I’ll pass on seeing those.”

  “I figured we should pay Dexter Kyle a visit this morning. He’s in court this morning, and Wednesdays are when his cleaning service shows up.”

  “Ahh. Let me guess. Speedy Cleaners?”

  “The one and only. I manipulated their computers and put in an order to cancel the regular service that comes out. And with a little help from Byron I’ve got the security codes and a remote to disable the cameras.”

  “It pays to know people in the right places.”

  “That’s pretty much the motto of anyone in law enforcement. And by the way, I don’t have to remind you that what we’re doing is technically illegal, so we want to stay under the radar.”

  “Got it. I can be very stealthy when I set my mind to it. Practically invisible.”

  “Yes, I remember how invisible you can be from the last time we did a job like this together. Just don’t break anything or draw attention to yourself.”

  I pinched my lips together and decided it was best not to argue. It’s not like he wasn’t right, but I thought it was pretty ungentlemanly to keep bringing it up. I was only human after all.

  “There’s an extra set of coveralls behind you and shoe protectors,” Savage said. “Time to suit up.”

  I leaned around to look behind the seat and saw the neat stack, along with a Speedy Cleaner’s hat and a pair of latex gloves.

  “This should be interesting,” I said, wondering how I was going to contort my leg enough to get it through the oversized leg holes. I bit my bottom lip and held back a whimper as I pulled it on, and I was glad Savage was smart enough not to make a comment. He was kind of a loose cannon at times, but his instincts were spot on.

  I finally got the coveralls up and zipped and then bent down to put on the white booties that would protect the floors from my shoes. I exchanged my hat and then pulled on the gloves.

  “I feel very…white,” I said. “Speedy Cleaners could do with a little color in their life. Maybe a scarf or something.”

  “Yes, I’m sure all the cleaners would love a colorful scarf around their necks while they’re scrubbing toilets.”

  “It never hurts to accessorize,” I said primly.

  Dexter Kyle lived just off Forsyth Park, not far from Nick’s parents, in a narrow three-story house. It had a widow’s walk and a red door, and the overgrown plants in the front garden were in serious need of maintenance. I wondered briefly if he let them grow wild for privacy. It was almost impossible to see the house or in the windows from the street.

  Savage backed into the driveway and I felt the little fireflies of adrenaline bouncing around in my stomach that appeared every time I was about to do something that might be slightly illegal. Mostly I was afraid of Kate. She had a hard rule at the agency that no one was to break the law. Not ever. I liked to think of it as more of a suggestion than a rule. And I also found it really important to keep all of these off the books B&E sessions to myself. I didn’t want to lose my P.I. license before it had even come in the mail.

  Savage got out of the van and pocketed the keys, sliding open the side door of the panel van and reaching inside for the vacuum and cleaning supplies. I let out a breath and then joined him on the driveway, taking a bucket in mop out of my side to carry in. My knee was throbbing like a bitch, and I was using the mop handle as a kind of cane to keep my balance. I wasn’t doing a very good job of it.

  “You’re looking a little too much like Flavor Flav, babe. All you need is a big ass clock around your neck.”

  “Thank you. I’ve been working on my street cred.”

  Savage cracked out a laugh and positioned me once we got to the front door so I blocked his hands from view. It only took him a few seconds to pick both the lock and the deadbolt, and he swung the front door open and motioned me to enter.

  The alarm beeped, signaling our thirty seconds before all hell broke loose, and Savage went to the control panel and punched in the code Byron had given him.

  “What about the cameras?” I asked.

  “Already taken care of.” He pulled a remote no bigger than the palm of his hand out of his pocket.

  “Fancy.” I closed and locked the front door behind us just for good measure and then dropped my bucket on the floor and propped the mop against the wall.

  “What happens if Dexter fires Speedy Cleaners because they didn’t clean today?”

  “Not our problem. Casualties of war.”

  “Remind me to never play games with you. You’re too cutthroat.”

  “What kind of games are we talking about? Monopoly or the sexual kind? Because I can promise my reaction would be different depending on which you chose.”

  I clapped my hands together and ignored the way my pulse sped. “Alrighty then. I’m going to start on this floor, and you can take the upstairs. Let me know if you find anything.”

  “Just a minute, Mata Hari.” Savage took hold of my arm, and I couldn’t decide if he was serious or if he just wanted an excuse to touch me. “You hear that?”

  Okay…so it wasn’t an excuse to touch me. Good to know. I heard the scratching against one of the doors and soft whimpers.

  “It’s just a dog,” I said, letting out my breath in relief. I was feeling extra confident after my time with Baby and Johnny Castle. “Let me handle this. It turns out I’m just like the dog whisperer and didn’t even know it.”

  “Be my guest.”

  I limped to a wood paneled door just past the stairs. There was a formal living room with doors wide open just before it and an office that had lots of wood paneling and books on the opposite side. The house wasn’t wide enough across to have too many rooms on each floor, and I was hoping we’d get lucky and find the Enterprise in plain sight, assuming Spock was right about him displaying the spoils of war like a true collector.

  From the sound of the scratches on the door the dogs weren’t big. I couldn’t tell how many there were, but I knew it was at least two.

  “Hey, puppies,” I said, using the same tone of voice I had with Rosemarie’s dogs. The whimpers quieted on the other side of the door and I shot Savage a cocky grin. “I told you.”

  “I’d never have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes.”

  I narrowed my eyes and scrutinized his expression because I couldn’t tell whether or not he was being sarcastic, but his face stayed suspiciousl
y blank. I put my hand on the doorknob and turned it slowly, preparing to work my magic once more, but as soon as the door open something small and furry flew right at me.

  “Get it off! Get it off!” I yelled, spinning around as fast as my knee would allow.

  The dogs were terriers of some sort, but looked more like overgrown rats. One of them had latched onto the extra fabric of my coverall that hung down below my crotch and the other was attached to my sleeve.

  “Get these mutherfluffin dogs off of me!”

  “You’ve gotta be still,” Savage yelled back, but I could hear the laughter in his voice.

  I shook my body back and forth, the dogs hanging on for dear life and swinging back and forth, and Savage’s laughter grew louder.

  “You’d better not be laughing,” I said. “Do something! Tase them for cripes sake.”

  “Are you sure you don’t want to talk them down from the ledge, dog whisperer?”

  My snarl at Savage was almost as loud as the dogs, and my knee chose that moment to give out. I went down in a heap at the bottom of the stairs, little paws wrapped around my arms and legs and sharp teeth tearing my clothes to shreds.

  “This is not how I wanted to die,” I wailed. “Death by cannibal dogs.”

  “You’ve got to hold still,” Savage said again. “I can’t get hold of the little devils.”

  I tried to curl up in a little ball to protect myself better, but I don’t know if I succeeded. My knee had a mind of it’s own.

  “Tell my mother not to dress me in yellow for the funeral. She always made me wear yellow for school pictures when I was a kid because it was such a happy color. But it makes my skin sallow. And if I die I most assuredly won’t be happy.”

  “I’ll try to remember to tell her. If you keep screaming like that someone is going to hear. And then we’ll really be in a fix.”

  I heard the rip of fabric and a snarl, and then the weight was suddenly gone from my body. I opened my eyes and saw Savage standing over me, his breath slightly labored and a grin on his face. He had a dog tucked under each arm.

  “I don’t think Cesar Milan is going to be calling you up any time soon.”

  “If I wasn’t such a lady I’d tell you to suck a bag of dicks right now. But I am, so I won’t.”

  Savage barked out a laugh and shook his head at me. “Hold on a sec and let me put them somewhere out of the way, and I’ll help you up.”

  He turned away before I could mumble that I didn’t need his stupid help. I could get up all by myself. In reality I probably looked like a turtle spinning around on its shell. Savage came back quickly and lifted me from under the arms, letting me use his body to steady myself once I was ready to put weight on my knee again.

  “I’ve got good news and bad news,” Savage said once I was back on my feet.

  “What’s the good news? I could use some.”

  “Spock’s Enterprise is in a glass case in the room where the dogs were stashed.”

  “What’s the bad news?”

  “You’re a terrible maid. Look at these floors.”

  I looked down and saw the shreds of cloth that had come from my clothes. There was also a broken picture frame and a small clock that had had the face popped off of it.

  “Just trying to keep it real. It’s important for you to witness firsthand that I’m not perfect at everything.”

  “Mission accomplished, babe.”

  Chapter Twelve

  After the dog incident and finding The Enterprise exactly where it was supposed to be, the rest of our B&E attempt was rather anticlimactic. Because we were breaking the law we couldn’t exactly call in the big guns to come in blazing and take it back, so we packed up our stuff and got back in the van.

  When we got down to the corner Savage made a call on his phone and left an anonymous tip where the merchandise was located. I cringed to think what this meant for my part of the job and how I was supposed to be working for the insurance agency and not trying to incriminate a federal judge who had the power to make my life a living hell if he ever found out I was behind it.

  “You hungry?” Savage asked.

  “Yes, but not hungry enough to eat wearing a chewed up coverall. And I’m pretty sure one of the dogs peed on me.”

  “I wasn’t going to mention it because I thought it’d freak you out.”

  I sighed and tried not to gag. I found it weird about myself that I’d rather see blood or brain matter all day instead of normal bodily functions, but being peed on was pretty much where I drew the line. Even by a dog.

  “I’m not going to freak out,” I said. “Just take me to Phoebe’s and I can grab a quick shower and borrow some clothes.”

  “Has anyone checked out your knee?”

  “It’ll be fine. I just need to stay off of it and keep it iced.”

  “Alternate between ice and heat. Have you talked to Kate?”

  “Not exactly. I think it’s best to avoid her considering we just broke the law. You know how she gets. And technically she hasn’t hired me as a full time agent yet, so I don’t want to shake that apple cart.”

  Savage shook his head and grinned. “Listening to you guys talk is like learning a foreign language. What do apple carts have to do with Kate?”

  “Hey, I’ve heard a y’all or two slip from your lips every now and then. You’re not a Yankee anymore. Best to adapt.”

  “So, hypothetically speaking, if I took you to meet my family up north you’d stop saying bless your heart and making random references to your crazy Aunt Scarlet that always sits on the porch naked.”

  I arched a brow and pursed my lips. “Aunt Scarlet has taught me a lot of life lessons. I think she’d resonate across the Mason-Dixon line. Also, I didn’t realize you had parents.”

  Savage stared at me like I had two heads. “People have to come from somewhere. Of course I have parents. And a couple of brothers and a sister too.”

  “I know everyone comes from somewhere. I just always assumed you hatched. Or maybe dropped to Earth from Krypton like Superman. I can’t imagine you as a kid.”

  “Make that trip north with me and I’ll show you all the baby pictures you want.

  I hmmed non-committedly and looked out the window. Going anywhere with Savage was a bad idea.

  We made it to Phoebe’s house just in time to see her toss a couple of boxes into the back of her Jeep. Paintbrushes and canvas stuck out haphazardly and seemed to be mixed in with clothes and whatever else from the house she could fit in.

  “Well, fuck,” I said. “Though I have to give her credit. She lasted longer than she usually does.”

  “So this is normal?”

  “And expected. Phoebe has wanderlust. The minute she graduated high school she hit the road, and it’s rare she comes back like she did this time. I was thinking maybe she was finally starting to grow up a little.”

  We parked the van next to her Jeep and I hobbled out.

  “Good Lord, Addison,” she said. “You look like something the cat dragged in.”

  “Close. Giant rats disguised as dogs.”

  “That would’ve been my second guess. Looks like they peed on you as a final insult. I can’t believe you’re not jumping around screaming. I know how you hate to be peed on.” She turned and looked at Savage. “When she was seven we were visiting some cousins in Alabama and she walked right into the stream of a pissing contest between five boys. She about went catatonic. I’ve never seen anything like it. Those Alabama boys pee on everything, but I guess she didn’t know that.”

  “I was seven for Pete’s sake. Not the worldly nine that you were.”

  “Worldly enough to not get pissed on.”

  “That’s why we’re here,” Savage broke in before I could launch myself at Phoebe. PMS made me feel a little violent. “She needs a shower and a change of clothes.”

  “And maybe a bag of frozen peas if you have it,” I added.

  “I can fix you up. Though I don’t think I have peas. Will corn work?�
�

  “Only if it’s frozen.”

  Savage held out his arm and for once I was grateful for the contact. He helped steady my weight and I limped along beside him, up the three stairs that led to the porch and then into the house I’d lived in for a short time.

  “So where are you headed?” I asked Phoebe.

  “New York. I’ve got a show coming up. And I miss the city.”

  Phoebe was a painter. A pretty damn good one too. But it had surprised the hell out of all of us that she’d been able to make a success out of something she’d always considered a hobby.

  “Are you keeping this place?”

  “Well, technically the lease is in your name, so no. I’ve got an apartment set up in Soho that has a great loft with good light for my painting.”

  “Wonderful. What the hell am I supposed to do with a house when I’m living with Nick? There’s another six months on the lease.”

  “Keep it. That way if you have a fight you won’t have to move back home with mom and Vince. Goodness gravy those two are loud. I don’t ever remember her and daddy going at it like that.”

  “Can we please not talk about that while I’m covered in dog piss? I can only hold back the gag reflex for so long.”

  “This is the reason I moved several states away from my brothers and sister,” Savage said.

  “You have a family?” Phoebe asked, surprised.

  “See,” I said and took the folded clothes she handed me. “That’s what I said too. He said he was a child and everything. Who’d have thunk it.”

  “You guys are hilarious. Next time you need me to help you on a case maybe I’ll reconsider.”

  “No you won’t,” Phoebe said. “You’re putty in her hands.”

  “Are you really?” I asked, eyes wide. I was pretty sure I was flirting a little, but since I’d always been awful at flirting compared to Phoebe I couldn’t be sure I was successful at it. I wondered how far was too far because I could definitely use some help. With a bum knee, Rosemarie in the slammer, and not a whole lot of information to go on I could use an Ace up my sleeve to get to the bottom of Priscilla Loveshack’s murder.