I will be cool and collected. Well, I’ll try.
‘We’ve been looking all over for you two, come on!’ Jess bounces up to the table and saves the situation. I am teetering on the edge of throwing button mushrooms at him, or emptying the coffee dregs over his head.
I am totally relieved to find, when we assemble outside, that we are to have expert personal tuition from an instructor. This means I won’t have to be trapped in a Landrover, thigh to thigh, with Jake.
It’s much harder to pretend that Jake is my boyfriend now that we’ve crossed the no-touching barrier. In fact we very nearly ended up touching all over, which would have been wrong on so many levels.
Before, I knew where I stood. I was pretending to like him, and he was pretending to like me, and it was fine. Well, as fine as that kind of thing can be. We were like best mates with a shared secret. It was fun.
Now it’s bloody awkward.
I’m not sure I can pretend I like him, now that I’ve realised I more than like him but that there’s the whole baby issue. And if he more than liked me he would have told me about it, wouldn’t he?
It’s all a bloody mess.
Maybe I should just pretend we’re splitting up. But if I do that then I’ll end up spoiling Jess’s big day, and that is something I just cannot let happen. I have come this far and need to finish what I’ve started.
So I need to pretend.
To act.
I am obviously not cut out for it though. He keeps giving me strange looks, so if he’s doing that, God only knows what everybody else thinks.
I’m also worried because Mum is sending him disapproving looks (I wish I hadn’t told her about the baby, that was a major mistake. I am double glad I didn’t tell her the full story – that would have been disastrous).
The more time we can spend apart doing ‘activities’ the better. Soon it will all be over.
‘Now aren’t you the lucky girl?’ Ruby has a very sarcastic edge to her tone and she’s looking even more sour than normal.
‘Sorry?’
‘She’s just jealous, aren’t you Rubes?’
If looks could kill, Jess would be heading for an early grave. She ignores the look and grins good-naturedly. We all know that Ruby hates been called Rubes, we reserve it for special occasions.
‘Jealous about what?’ I seem to have missed something while I’ve been trying to work out how to handle this mess I’ve got myself into.
‘You getting to share the whole experience with Jake!’ Beth has sidled up. ‘I wish Si was outdoorsy like Jake is. He’s just so, so…’
‘Macho?’ Sally has joined us.
‘No not macho, just, well, just such a real man.’
I want to blurt out that he’s more real flirt than real man, that he has abandoned his newborn baby, and stuck with the dog instead. But I don’t. It might all come out if I start.
‘What experience?’ I hiss in Jess’s ear instead. ‘I’m trying to avoid whole experiences right now.’
‘They’re short of instructors, and as Jake has done it all before they said he can go with you.’ She looks a bit apologetic, then leans in to whisper. ‘But maybe it’ll give you a chance to talk in private, you know, ask him about the B issue.’
‘But he’s not qualified, insured.’ I look at her in desperation. There has to be a way to stop this.
‘It will be fine, honey, trust me.’ Somehow Jake has joined us unnoticed and has now draped his arm over my shoulder and is looking all ‘real man’ as Beth would put it. I had trusted him until now. More and more each day.
Ruby stalks off, Jess squeezes my arm and whispers in my ear. ‘Maybe we’ve got this wrong?’
Beth and Sally scurry off to join their personal instructors, and I am left with mine.
‘What have you got wrong?’
‘Everything.’ I march towards the Landrover which I assume must be ours. He raises an eyebrow and follows me. His long stride covering the ground in half the number of steps I need to take. I am so tempted, but I can’t have it out with him yet.
‘Are you sure there isn’t something you need to tell me, Sam?’ At least he’s dropped the babe and honey.
‘Positive.’ I bang my door shut slightly too assertively. ‘Is there something you need to tell me?’ I regret the words as soon as they pop out of my mouth. What if he does tell me? What then? We will ruin the off-road experience day and not be talking to each other for the wedding day.
He doesn’t. He shrugs. ‘I don’t think so. Is Liam the problem, has he upset you? I can talk to him if you—’
‘Liam? Liam? Liam?’ I’ve got louder with each exclamation, although crunching the vehicle into gear does make a bit of a noise, so I did have to shout. ‘Why would Liam be a problem? I’ve completely forgotten about Liam. Liam was merely a hiccup in my life.’
‘Good, well er, I’m glad.’
Glad, huh.
‘The whole baby thing must have been a shock, but—’ He stops short and flinches. I think I’ve just growled. Loudly.
‘Babies you aren’t expecting can be.’ I say it between clenched teeth and wish he’d shut up. Throwing your personal tutor out of your off-road vehicle probably isn’t allowed.
‘It’s not something I’ve done, is it?’
I stare ahead. Definitely something he’s done. Lots of things.
There’s a pregnant pause. I’m going to have to stop thinking of it as that. ‘It wasn’t the kiss that upset you was it? I mean, I thought…’
‘And we all know what thought did.’ He obviously doesn’t because he looks puzzled. To be honest, I’m not totally sure myself. It’s something my aunt used to say.
‘Don’t you mean curiosity?’
‘No I don’t!’
‘Oh, so … well, I’m sorry. But you did seem to enjoy it.’
‘You caught me unawares. Where do you want me to drive?’
‘Oh. So you didn’t like it?’
‘I didn’t say that. Through this gate?’
‘Look baby…’ He really is doing his best to wind me up.
‘Don’t call me baby.’
‘Oh come on, Sam, you know you can talk to me about anything. I thought we said we’d be honest with each other.’
I twist the steering wheel slightly more violently than I should and put my foot down hard so that we bounce through the gateway in a way that makes me grab the steering wheel tighter and makes him grab the door handle. I think my ribs have kind of concertinaed together. I shouldn’t have done that.
I could push it, I could ask. This is the ideal time. I have two unanswered questions. I know the answer to the second one, the thing he needs a distraction from is his baby. Although why is anybody’s guess. And I shouldn’t ask the first one. The ex one. ‘Laura isn’t really your ex, is she?’ I can’t help it. I had to ask. I can’t help looking at him either.
He looks shocked. Poleaxed, I think, is the term. His jaw has dropped. He wasn’t expecting me to ask any more than I was.
‘Yes.’ His jaw has tightened in an attractive action-man kind of way. ‘She is. Why do you say that?’ His features soften slightly and he gives me that look that he gave me before he said he needed to kiss me. The meltingly gorgeous look which I know I have to steel myself against. ‘It’s totally over. I promise. Look if it’s the whole Harry thing that bothers you…’ His voice is soft and he’s reaching out as though he might touch my face any minute now.
‘It is not the Harry thing.’ I might have shouted. That stops him in his tracks a bit. So now I could ask about the baby. I have the perfect lead in. But is it worth it? He doesn’t owe me anything, he never asked for all of this. I don’t want it to blow up, not now when the wedding is so close. I am obviously a hopeless judge of men, and liars. But I can survive. I can do this. That is my new mantra, this is what Jake told me to practise. I can do it.
‘Why didn’t you tell me you had a baby?’
‘A baby?’ He makes a funny spluttering noise. ‘What
makes you think I’ve got a baby?
‘A photo! Look, I know this is just business for you, and you don’t want to get involved with me.’ He goes to interrupt so I glare and hold up a hand to stop him; I don’t want the whole ‘no relationship’ spiel because it will hurt. ‘But we said we’d be honest with each other.’
‘I have been honest.’ He looks a bit cross. ‘I haven’t got a clue what you’re talking about, and believe me if I had a baby you’d think I’d have … watch out, you’re going to hit—’
It all happens so quickly. He lunges for the steering wheel just as I swing back to study the track ahead, and swerve at the same time, hoping I’m going the right way and am not about to kill or maim any innocent little Bambis.
There’s a crunch, a lurch and a bang.
Then silence.
‘Shit, what the hell? Are you okay?’ He is rubbing his forehead, and looks a bit pale.
I nod. I can’t speak, I am winded.
‘Bloody hell.’ He loosens his seatbelt and makes a ‘phew’ noise.
‘Where is it? What was it? Was I going to hit a deer, or rabbit or something? I haven’t hit it, have I?’ I look round wildly, but there’s no livestock in sight. ‘I didn’t have a chance to see it, I just swerved.’ To be honest, the swerve just kind of happened because when I swung back to face the front I was gripping the steering wheel so hard I took it with me, and it didn’t help that he grabbed out as well.
He is frowning and looking blank.
‘You shouted that I was going to hit—’.
The frown has gone, and he has started to laugh. He doubles up, laughing so hard that his eyes water and he bangs his hands on the dashboard. ‘I just thought you were going to go to hit that rut. A rut!’
‘A rut! You shouted because of a rut?’
‘It was a big rut, and I was getting exasperated.’
‘Well, there’s no need to laugh at me.’ I fold my arms in a huff, but can’t completely stop the smile. That’s one of the most annoying things about being with him; even though I’m mad at him, and he’s misled me, and he’s now laughing at me, I like him. He’s funny. He cheers me up. Makes me happy. And it won’t do. ‘Are you sure you’re being honest?’
He wipes his eyes with the back of his forearm. There’s a loud hiss and smoke.
‘Shit, this isn’t going to go up in flames, is it?’
‘It’s only steam.’ He has stopped grinning. ‘You’d better turn the engine off though, and I’ll phone Dan and get somebody to rescue us.’ He shakes his head. ‘You are funny.’
I’m not trying to be funny, but he’s clearly highly amused. I fish my mobile out of my pocket so that I don’t have to look at him, and end up liking him again.
He’s finished calling the cavalry. ‘Sam, I have been honest, I don’t have a baby, but…’
‘Has Laura got a baby?’
There’s an incredibly long pause and he ruffles his fingers through his hair. ‘Yes, Laura’s got a daughter, and I do love her like my own.’ He stares at me and looks incredibly sad. Haunted. ‘Or I did. But she’s not mine. Okay? I’ll explain later, not here. It’s complicated. Can you trust me on this one? Please?’
I blink and nod.
‘That baby is partly why I agreed to come here, agreed to your mad plan.’ There’s a slight twist to his mouth, the faintest trace of his normal humour. ‘And why I needed a distraction.’ He touches my cheek very briefly. ‘But it’s why I really can’t…’
I put my finger on his lips. I don’t want to hear him say that it’s why this has always just been about business. Why in a few days’ time he’ll walk away without a backward glance. Without me.
‘I get it.’ I’d like to show him the photo, ask more. But I can’t. There will be time later. The right time, the right place.
I tap my pin code into my phone.
‘What are you doing now?’ Jake sounds tired.
‘It’s your fault we’re in this ditch.’ I try and smile, to lighten the mood.
‘I don’t think that’s—’
‘You did grab the steering wheel when it was only a rut.’ And if I hadn’t thought he had a baby, and we hadn’t been having the conversation, then I wouldn’t have swerved the way I did. I would have been concentrating on what I was doing, my driving. But I’m not going to say that, it wouldn’t be fair. ‘I thought they called these off-roaders? It’s not very good off the road, is it?’
‘You ran into a ditch, and a tree. Only a tank would cope with those.’
Which reminds me about Tank. ‘I’m writing a list, while we’re waiting to be rescued.’ I need something to do, so I don’t end up looking at him, wishing that things were different, and he hadn’t been betrayed, and he did want a relationship. With me.
He tries to peer over, but I turn around so he can’t see.
Things I need to do when I get home:
1. Adopt a dog (but not Tank).
2. Avoid men like the plague. I don’t need one in my life.
3. Come up with a plan for my thirties.
I am going to be strong and independent in my thirties. I will be at my peak so I really shouldn’t waste another second. I will plan out a new career and buy my own Ferrari and date guys like Appletini Callum.
I’m not quite sure what career I am going to pursue, but age is no longer a limiting factor. I have life experience and that counts for a lot. Look at the candidates on The Apprentice – some of them are positively ancient. Way older than thirty.
I am still thinking about my travel options, but I might even take up dog sitting, or walking, or grooming and settle for job satisfaction and fun. Although I might have to set a size limit – I don’t want dogs like Tank, I want dogs like Harry. Or handbag ones that I can carry if I need to pop into a shop.
‘You’re biting your lip.’
‘Shh. I’m thinking.’
‘It’s cute.’
I stop biting my lip and frown at him. I don’t want him to call me cute any more than I want him to call me Sammy. It will give me false hope. Words like that between us can cause all kinds of damage. Mental as well as the type that’s been caused to our vehicle. I hope the insurance covers this type of thing, and Dan and Jess won’t demand more money. My bank account can just about cope with Jake, it can’t cope with vehicle repairs.
‘You did call Dan?’
‘He said we’d be rescued pronto, as soon as he’s finished going round the course he’ll come and pull us out.’
Chapter 23
I can’t believe that it is already the wedding day. How did that happen? One moment we’re casting flies, and the next it’s nearly over. Which leaves me feeling all flat and empty, like you do when you get back home after a party. And we haven’t even had the party yet.
I have survived, and I should be happy. But now I know I have been very silly and taken this whole thing far too seriously.
A few short weeks ago I was dreading coming here and seeing Liam and his huge girlfriend, and now I realise that was totally ridiculous. Liam never really loved me, and to be honest I’m not sure he loves anybody that much. Not even himself. And he was never the one for me. I do hope he manages to love his babies. Children deserve to be loved. Children deserve big fat sloppy kisses from aunties they hardly know, cuddles from their fathers, and parents who love them for who they are.
And I hope Jake gets to love Laura’s baby as well. We haven’t had the full conversation yet, but I do now know that he is totally serious on the ‘no relationships’ front, and I think by mentioning the baby I have opened a whole new kettle of fish, as my mother would say. I am determined that when we have the conversation, I will be adult and do my best to help him, and be a good friend.
I feel a bit sad really, I’ve got quite used to having Jake around. Soon I will be going home, back to my house for one, and to mad cocktail hours with Sarah.
I’m going to have to get a hobby, and maybe a dog.
‘Everything okay?’ He’s got his han
ds in his pockets and is casually loitering in the doorway. It suits him. Everything suits him, goddammit.
‘Splendid! Last day!’ I say it brightly, in the kind of way Jess does. It is not Jake’s fault that I’ve become rather attached to him. That I have been totally stupid and thought that he was enjoying kissing me as much as I enjoyed kissing him, when all along he was just doing a job very professionally. Very thoroughly. Well, to be honest I suspect he did enjoy it a bit, but I am glad we didn’t sleep together, as I think that would have made walking away even harder.
‘Sure?’ He’s got an eyebrow quirked in that cute way of his, but I am going to ignore it. I am going to be professional, and enjoy my best friend’s wedding. I am not going to get all silly and emotional. Well, I might for the actual wedding bit, but not for the Jake bit.
‘Oh yes – and your money’s over there by the way. Wouldn’t like to forget it!’ This excited -voice lark is bloody hard work, I’ll be exhausted before we even get to the altar.
I wrote the cheque out to him this morning while he was out with Harry, and I wrote a very polite note, on the posh hotel notepaper, thanking him for his services and wishing him well in what had to be a sparkling career as an actor. I can do professional. I even added that if he ever needed a reference, I’d be glad to provide one. And that he should consider me a friend if he ever needed somebody to talk to.
‘There’s no hurry is there?’ He doesn’t sound like he’s in any kind of hurry at all.
‘We’ll be off first thing, don’t want to waste time.’ I point at my suitcase, which I have already started cramming things into. ‘Might want to pack now, be prepared and all that! Don’t want to be doing it with a hangover, do we?’ I’m babbling, I know I am, to avoid having to have any kind of sensible discussion.
Talking of which, do I mention the baby again before we leave, or in the car? Or when I drop him off? Or not at all? If I mention it before we set off, and there’s an atmosphere, it will be terrible driving all the way home playing loud music to try and make us feel happier.
He takes a step towards me and I panic and grab his kilt from where it’s hanging on the back of the door, then thrust it at him. ‘Better put your skirt on.’ If he touches me now then my professional persona will crumble, along with my dignity.
The Wedding Date Page 22
