Cooper By The Gross (All 144 Cooper Stories In One Volume)

by Bill Bernico

  “Come on, give,” she said. “What’s going on with Matt?”

  “Just wait ‘til I tell you,” I said.

  When I finished with the story, Gloria jumped up out of the chair, excited and smiling broadly. She looked up at the clock above our office door. “It’s close enough to quitting time,” she announced. “I have to get home and clean the house and make the supper and make sure Olivia doesn’t have any plans.”

  “It’s only nine-thirty,” I reminded her. “That’ll leave me here alone.”

  “Better get used to it for the next two weeks,” Gloria said. “I have so much to do to get ready for the kids.”

  “And what makes you think Olivia won’t have any plans of her own?” I said. “She probably has a date to meet the rest of her sixteen-year-old friends at the mall.”

  “Well, she can skip it for one night,” Gloria said. “It isn’t every night that we’ll get to meet Matt’s future wife. Gotta run. See you later, Elliott.” And with that Gloria was gone, her running footsteps echoing down the hall.

  I’d never seen her so excited in the twenty-three years we’d been married. I guess I couldn’t blame her. My pulse was racing as well and I was really looking forward to meeting Debbie, too. I had trouble keeping my mind on my work for the rest of the day and when five-thirty rolled around I closed up shop and drove home. Gloria was busy preparing dinner and making sure the house gave a good first impression. Olivia stood next to her mother, helping her make the dumplings.

  I checked the wall clock in the kitchen. It was ten minutes to six. “Anything I can do to help here?” I said, hoping Gloria would just tell me to go away.

  “No thanks, Elliott,” she said. Why don’t you go take a shower and put on that blue suit I like so much?”

  “Great,” I said. “That’ll only leave me another hour to kill.” I left the kitchen while Gloria and Olivia finished preparing the meal. It was a few minutes past six when I emerged from the bedroom in my blue suit. I sat on the sofa and turned on the television to catch part of the evening news.

  Gloria called in from the kitchen. “Elliott, you’re not getting that suit all wrinkled, are you?”

  “What would you like me to do?” I called back. “Stand for the next forty-five minutes? Relax. It’s just Matt and his girlfriend.”

  Gloria looked at Olivia and rolled her eyes. “Men,” Gloria said.

  “I heard that,” I called out to her. “Where would either of you two be without men?”

  Olivia giggled and continued cleaning up the kitchen counter and setting the dining room table. Gloria retreated to our bedroom to freshen up and change into a dress. I almost never saw Gloria in a dress so this was a real treat for me as well. When she came back out into the living room she stopped, twirled around once and looked to me for approval. “Well, what do you think, Mr. Cooper?”

  I gave her a wolf whistle and licked my lips. “I like,” I said.

  Olivia came into the living room to see for herself. “That looks beautiful, Mom. What about jewelry? You can borrow one of my necklaces if you like.”

  “Thanks, Olivia,” Gloria answered. “But I think I’ll keep it simple for this first meeting.”

  I looked at the two of them. “Who do you think you’re meeting, Princess Grace?”

  “Not likely,” Gloria said. “She’s been dead for decades.”

  The front door opened and I turned to see Matt coming in. He was holding hands with a girl who walked at his side. She was a cute, petite thing with blonde hair and a slim figure. Her face looked like a porcelain doll I’d seen in a fancy gift shop some years ago.

  “Mom, Dad,” Matt said nervously. “I’d like you both to meet Debbie Gunther.”

  I held out my hand and Debbie shook it. I stepped back and Gloria grabbed Debbie’s shoulders and pulled her close. “It’s so nice to meet you,” Gloria said. “Won’t you come in?” She turned toward Olivia and held one hand out. “This is Matt’s sister, Olivia.”

  Olivia held out both her hands and took Debbie’s in them. “Hi,” she said.

  “It’s nice to meet you all,” Debbie said. “Matt’s told me so much about all of you that I feel like I’ve known you for months.”

  I could tell by Gloria’s forced smile that she was holding back what she really wanted to say—that Matt had not told either of us anything about Debbie until this morning. “Come in and sit,” I said to Debbie. “Dinner won’t be ready for another…” I looked to Gloria.

  “About ten more minutes,” Gloria said. “Please, make yourself at home.”

  Matt sat on the far end of the sofa with Debbie next to him. Olivia sat next to Matt, leaving the two overstuffed chairs for me and Gloria.

  There were a few moments of nervous silence when Gloria spoke up. “Matt tells us you’re a phlebotomist. That sounds like interesting work.”

  Debbie smiled. “Oh, it is, Mrs. Cooper.”

  “Please, Debbie,” Gloria insisted. “Call me Gloria.”

  “And you can call me Elliott,” I said.

  Olivia shrugged, looked at Debbie and said, “Just call me Olivia.” She giggled afterwards and broke the tension in the room.

  “So tell me,” Gloria said, continuing with her interrogation. “Just what does a phlebotomist do, besides collect blood?”

  “Oh, there’s much more to it,” Debbie explained. “People think all we do is stick needles in donor’s arms and drain their blood. But there much more to this job.”

  Olivia’s eyes got wide. “You have to stick people with needles? Oh wow, I don’t think I could do that? I can’t even watch when they have to take a sample from me during my checkup.”

  “It’s not so bad,” Debbie explained. “It only took me five or six sticks to get over the strange feeling of piercing someone’s flesh. And with the needles they have these days, well, they’re so thin the donor hardly feels anything at all. That puts me at ease just knowing I’m not causing anyone any real pain.”

  “Do you have to be a nurse to do what you do?” Olivia said.

  Debbie shook her head. “Not necessarily. I didn’t have any medical background when I started this job. Just three weeks training and they sent me out on my first mobile.”

  “Mobile?” I said.

  “You know,” Matt said, jumping in. “You’ve see that big Red Cross bus that drives around town collecting blood. That’s the mobile part. Heck, just yesterday the bus took Debbie and four other phlebotomists to the Glendale High School. The day before that they all went to Long Beach.”

  “Is that right?” I said, looking at Debbie. “How does the driver know where to stop?”

  “We have a recruiter who sets up our locations weeks ahead of time,” Debbie explained. “We just follow our schedules and the people show up.” Debbie looked at me. “Elliott, Matt tells me you’re a private investigator. Now that’s exciting.”

  “Oh yeah,” I said. “Real exciting. Why, just today I tackled the tough case of the backlogged database.” I laughed, but no one else joined in. I coughed, trying to cover myself.

  Matt jumped in. “Today was just a slow day,” he said to Debbie. “Sometimes Dad follows people for some of his clients. He has a lot of neat state-of-the-art surveillance equipment. And sometimes he helps the police when they need him. Dad tracks down missing persons and he even carries a gun.”

  “I’m afraid Matt’s making me sound more important than I really am,” I said. I looked at Matt, who was giving me the eye and I got it. I switched into a more enthusiastic mode, since I realized that Matt must have told Debbie about his plans to join me in the business. “But there are times when it’s really exciting and Gloria and I both have our hands full just keeping up with the business.”

  Matt smiled and relaxed now. “Yeah,” he said casually. “Dad and I are going to show the other P.I.s in this town how it’s done, aren’t we, Dad?”

  “You bet,” I said. “I’ll be glad to have Matt joining me in the business.”

  Gloria c
hecked her watch. “Dinner should be ready,” she said, rising and walking into the dining room. “Come on in everybody.” She looked at Matt. “Matt, you can sit at the far end of the table and Debbie, you can sit next to Matt. Olivia, you can sit across from your brother.”

  “What about me?” I said.

  “You can sit in your usual chair on the end, Elliott,” Gloria said, turning and walking into the kitchen. She returned a few moments later with a large platter of chicken, set it in the middle of the table and returned later with a bowl of dumplings.”

  We managed to get through dinner with no spills, embarrassing moments or slips of the tongue. When nine o’clock rolled around Matt and Debbie excused themselves and put their coats on. Debbie turned to Gloria. “Thank you for a lovely evening, Gloria. The food was delicious. You’ll have to give me your recipe.”

  I looked at Matt. “You be careful driving Debbie home now, you hear?”

  Debbie and Matt exchanged glances. Debbie looked away. Matt turned toward me. “Uh, Dad,” he said. “Debbie and I live together in my apartment.”

  Gloria opened her mouth to say something and then thought better of it. She forced another smile. “Well, drive careful anyway, Matt,” was all she could manage to say.

  There were another few moments of nervous silence before Matt said, “Well, we’d better get going. Tomorrow’s a work day, you know.”

  “Good night,” Gloria said as they left. She closed the door, turned back toward me and started to speak before she realized Olivia was still in the room. “TV anyone?” she said.

  “Mom,” Olivia said, “I’m not a kid. I’m sixteen. You can talk about Matt and Debbie’s living arrangements in front of me.”

  Gloria repeated, “TV anyone?” and walked into the living room. That night, after we’d gone to bed, Gloria rolled toward me and whispered, “Elliott, what do you think of Matt and Debbie living together?”

  “What’s to think about?” I said. “They’re both consenting adults who seem to know what they’re doing. We have to stay out of this and keep our opinions to ourselves. It’s none of our business.”

  “But…”

  “Good night, Gloria,” I said and pulled the covers up to my chin.

  Gloria rode with me to the office the next morning. We no sooner got the key in the lock when I could hear my phone ringing inside. I left the key ring dangling in the lock and hurried to my desk.

  “Cooper Investigations,” I said. “Uh huh. Sure. This morning? Yeah, that would work for me. Okay, I’ll see you in fifteen minutes. You know where we’re located? Great. It’s the third floor in the back at the end of the hall. Goodbye.”

  “Who was that?” Gloria said, setting her purse on her desk and hanging up her coat.

  “Some guy named Louis Feinberg,” I said. “Says he’d like to hire us.”

  “What does he want us to do?” Gloria said. “Find Moe and Curley?”

  I gave her the look I usually reserved for the village idiot. “Huh?”

  “Excuse me,” she said. “Does he want us to find Moses and Jerome Horwitz?”

  “What the heck are you talking about?” I said.

  “And you claim to be the entertainment trivia king,” Gloria said. “Moses Horwitz was Moe Howard’s real name. His kid brother, Jerome was Curley Howard—two of The Three Stooges. I’ll give you one guess as to Larry Fine’s real name.”

  I thought for a second and then offered, “Louis Feinberg?”

  “Give that man a cigar,” Gloria said sarcastically. “You got it in one.”

  “No,” I said. “I’m almost certain this guy is not Larry Fine. Larry Fine died in 1974, just a few months before Moe joined him. Has to be some other Louis Feinberg, so don’t mention anything about this when he gets here. I don’t want to scare him away.”

  “Soitenly,” Gloria said in her best Curley impression and waving her hand downward at me in the familiar Curley gesture.

  Thirteen minutes later we heard the knock on our office door and a man stepped in. He scanned the room, stopped on me and asked, “Cooper Investigations?”

  “Come on in,” I said, gesturing to my client’s chair. I extended my hand. “I’m Elliott Cooper and this is Gloria. I assume you’re Mr. Feinberg.”

  He nodded. “Please, call me Larry.”

  Gloria shot me a look, without letting Feinberg see her.

  “Okay, Larry,” I said. “Just curious. How do you get Larry out of Louis? I’d think Lou or Louie would be a more common nickname.”

  Larry smiled. “It’s because I share the same name with Larry Fine from The Three Stooges. Some of my friends are movie and TV trivia buffs and just started calling me Larry even back in high school and I guess the name stuck. Did you know Larry’s real name was Louis Feinberg, too?”

  “Yes,” I said. “Seems I heard that somewhere. Won’t you have a seat, Larry?”

  Gloria’s smile turned into a full-blown toothy grin as I settled into my chair. I pulled out my yellow legal pad and pen and set them in front of me. “So, Larry,” I began. “How can we help you today?”

  Larry unbuttoned his coat and loosened his tie before offering, “Could you do a background check on someone for me without them knowing I’m looking into their records?”

  “That’s one of the many services we provide,” I told him. “Who is it you’d like us to do the background check on?”

  “I need more than a background check, Mr. Cooper,” Larry said, ignoring my question. “I want to know more about this man than he knows about himself. I want you to go all the way back to the day he was born.”

  “Who is the target and why do you need all this information?” I said.

  Larry sighed. “The man is just someone I want to know more about and as to why I need all this information, well, I don’t think you need to burden yourself with that part. Can you do it?”

  “I can do it,” I said. “The question is will I do it. So far, I’d have to say no unless I’m given all the facts in the case. I’ve found over many years of doing this that the more I know, the better prepared I’ll be to deal with any situations that might come up during my investigation. So, unless you’re willing to tell me everything, I don’t think I’ll be able to help you.”

  “So, it’s like that, is it?” Larry said.

  “Don’t worry,” I assured him. “You get the same client confidentiality that you’d expect from a doctor or a lawyer when you sign up for my services. Whatever you tell me doesn’t go any further than this room.”

  Larry twisted in his seat and looked at Gloria and then back at me.

  “Gloria is my business partner as well as my wife,” I told him. “Anything you can say in front of me, you can say in front of her. We work these cases together.” I picked up my pen and sat poised over my yellow legal pad. “Now, do you still want to tell me all about your troubles?”

  Larry hesitated for a moment and then said, “I guess so. Where would you like me to start?”

  “The beginning is always a good place,” I said. “Tell me everything.”

  Larry cleared his throat and said, “Okay, I own Fein and Dandy. It’s a company that produces computer parts.”

  “I get the Fein part,” I said. “But is there also a Dandy?”

  Larry smiled. “That was my former partner, Daniel Douglas,” Larry explained. “Dan D. Pretty clever, at least that’s what we thought at the time we started the company.”

  “And now?”

  “Dan’s dead,” Larry said. “Heart attack almost a year ago and it’s just me now. Well, me and three dozen employees.”

  “Sounds like you’re doing all right for yourself,” I said. “Just how do I come in?”

  “I’m coming to that part, Mr. Cooper,” Larry said. “Neither Dan nor I believed in partner insurance. I guess it always seemed like too much of an incentive for someone to get ideas about the other person so we never bought any. Well, as it turns out, Dan died, leaving me with the company.”

 
“And that’s a problem?” I said. “Seems to me you own everything now. How is that a problem?”

  Larry shifted in his seat. “Dan was no businessman,” he explained. “He only got to be a partner in the company because he invested in the struggling business that I had started a year earlier. We went through Dan’s investment pretty quick, using most of it for research and development. A lot of it also got eaten up from Dan’s bad purchasing decisions. Now that Dan’s gone, I find myself short of working capital. I’m considering taking in another partner to keep us going, but I need to be really careful this time. I want to make sure that whoever I take in as a partner will contribute more than just some money. I need a working partner, someone who can grow with us and help us expand. Someone who won’t squander the company’s resources.”

  “And I take it your potential new partner is the guy you want me to look into,” I said.

  “Exactly,” Larry said. “I have one prospect in mind who answered my ad. I had the initial meeting with him yesterday and he looks promising, but I need you to check his background and make sure I’m not wasting my time. Time is valuable to me, Mr. Cooper, and I can’t afford to take all the time I’d need to do the background check myself.”

  “When did you tell this guy that you’d give him an answer?” I said.

  “This Friday,” Larry said. When he saw my reaction he added, “I know, it’s only three days from now. I realize it’s short notice for you, but I only met the guy yesterday. He’s considering my offer as well as another offer. He wouldn’t tell me anything about that other offer, just that he needs to let them know by this weekend. That’s why I need all you can get on him by Friday morning.”

  “Okay,” I said. “So now we’re actually down to two days. It’s going to be tight, Mr. Fein, but the two of us will put all our efforts into your problem. That’s fifty hours between us if we don’t take on any other cases in the meantime.”

  “It’s important, Mr. Cooper,” Larry said. “Whatever your going rate is, I’ll double it if you’ll concentrate on only my case until Friday.”