Toxic (Desired Affliction Book 1)

by Harms,C. A.

  He stepped around me and down the last step before turning quickly to face me once more.

  “Listen, Lex. I wasn’t gonna say anything because I didn’t want things to be weird between us, but I think we can both agree they’re weird anyway.” His gaze connected with mine and I forced a smile even though that was the last thing I wanted to do. “You said something that’s been bothering me since that night I brought you home.” He paused looking around and then back to me when he saw no one else was around. “You were drunk I know, but you were serious. You cried and said…”

  He stopped and took a deep breath as he ran his hand through his hair.

  His actions made me feel clammy and suddenly nauseated. “You apologized for being such a mess, and then you said that getting raped crushed the old Lexi.” My stomach felt like it bottomed out. “You told me that now you were just a waste of space.” The tears swelled in my eyes and I tried with everything I could to hold them back. But it was pointless because they ran down my cheeks heavily.

  “Rad…it was…” He cut me off.

  “Lexi, you don’t owe me anything. I just want you to know that you aren’t a mess. You’re just scared and there’s a huge difference.” He stepped closer and knelt just enough to bring us eye level before he continued. “Don’t let that sick fuck mold the rest of your life. I told Megan a quick censored version of the things you said and she told me to talk to you. She said it was up to you to tell me if you wanted to.”

  Radley reached out his hand and placed it onto mine as I squeezed the railing behind me tightly. I never flinched away from his touch. I trusted Rad completely. He was one of the good guys, without a doubt. I just normally didn’t give many people the chance to prove that to me.

  “If you ever need me to beat the fuck out of the little coward, you just point me in the right direction, doll. No questions. It would be my pleasure.” He released my hand and after a quick smile he stepped back “And know that if you ever need to talk or yell, you just say the word and I’m here.”

  I nodded my head because right now I couldn’t speak. It would have broken me had I tried.

  Rad offered me a gentle smile before he turned around and walked toward the parking lot outside of the dorm, leaving me standing on the stairs in a daze.

  Blindingly I turned around and entered the dorm. I didn’t pay attention to anyone around and I climbed inside the elevator and waited for it to arrive on the third floor.

  Upon entering my room I dropped my bags onto the floor and walked toward my bed. It took no time at all for Megan to join me, as she pulled me close and held me tight.

  “He won’t say anything, Lex. I know he won’t,” she assured me. “He’s just worried. We both are.”

  I remained quiet.

  I didn’t want to talk it out or attempt to feel better. Right now I just wanted to feel like falling apart was okay to do.

  So I did.

  Chapter 12

  Kole

  I had been doing something over the last couple weeks that I hadn’t done in a long time. And I would have thought it would be hard, almost impossible to accomplish with my track record. But it was actually one of the easiest things.

  I refrained from any type of random hook up.

  I still went to parties and had a few drinks, but that’s where it all stopped.

  It may have started out as just a way to avoid Hope, who still didn’t seem to get the fact that we were done messing around. When her antics of flaunting herself in front of me failed, she upped her ante and thought she would move on to the other guys in the house.

  She flirted and teased those who’d pay attention in hopes of making me jealous. It was actually really sad. It was the point when I realized just how wrong I had been. She obviously had no self-respect and the game I played with her was the worst thing I could have possibly done. At times I felt sorry for her, but the problem was showing that would only make her mistake my guilt for interest. So instead I ignored her. It was the easiest way, for the both of us.

  Or at least I’d hoped.

  But I knew a lot of the reason I had been enforcing this new found freedom was because my mind wandered to Lexi more often than not.

  I should have been running in the opposite direction with the way her mood shifted from friendly to angry in the blink of an eye, but I didn’t. I wanted to spend more time with her instead.

  I wanted to get to know the woman she was now versus the child who I knew crushed on me all those years ago.

  Our mothers had been friends for years, and being a teenage boy, I spent most of my time running around with friends chasing girls and creating havoc. But there were those times I would ride along and spend the day hanging out with the girl who was a few years younger than me. It was always the kid sister scenario with her, but I could assure anyone that when I saw Lexi now, kid sister was the furthest thing from my mind.

  It had been a long time since I’d allowed a girl to get inside my head. I’d told myself I had learned my lesson and would never do it again.

  So why in the hell couldn’t I get the image of her tucked securely in my arms out of my fucking head?

  For some reason Lexi had me under her spell, and I knew she had no idea she was even doing it. She was like a puzzle I couldn't solve.

  I was addicted to the idea of breaking through that wall she built around her. I wanted more; I needed more.

  I parked my car along the street in front of the fraternity and climbed out of my car, grabbing my bag from the passenger seat. Wrapping up yet another week felt good.

  I was still so lost in thoughts of ways to get closer to Lexi when I looked up and found Radley exiting the house.

  “Hey, Rad,” I said as I climbed the stairs to the front porch.

  “Hey, Kole.” He offered a slight nod.

  There had been something off with him lately.

  He and I had been friends for years, and it wasn’t hard to figure out when the guy had things on his mind. He would get quiet, distant, sulking maybe.

  I just assumed he and Megan were having issues so I never pushed. I knew if he wanted to talk about it, he’d share.

  “Have you seen Lexi lately?”

  He instantly squinted with curiosity at my question but didn’t answer me.

  “I was just wondering if maybe you could, um…maybe put in a good word for me? I’m not sure how to get her to let her guard down. She’s hard to break.” I smiled over at him.

  His reaction was again a little off.

  He lifted his hand and ran it through his hair roughly. He looked toward the ground and brought that same hand to rest on the back of his neck, gripping tightly.

  I was about to ask him what the hell was going on with him when he looked back up and the look on his face held no humor. “No,” he said. “Just do me a favor and leave her alone. Seriously, she doesn’t need to be toyed with.”

  “Toyed with?” I repeated his words, questioning him.

  “Yeah man, I know how it all works. Just not her, please.”

  “What the fuck are you talking about?” I asked, trying not come off as pissed, but honestly I was a bit irritated with him insinuating that I wanted to toy with Lexi.

  “There are just things about her you don’t know, things she’s been through. She can’t take the games.”

  “What, so now I can’t just want to get to know someone?” I grew defensive. “So I’m that guy that just wants to toy with a girl and fuck her over?”

  I’ve hooked up. I’ve had my fair share of one night stands, but never once had a girl not already known the score going in.

  I didn’t play games.

  “She isn’t the kind of girl you’re looking for, Kole,” Radley stated as he stepped around me and took the porch steps two at a time.

  He didn’t even give me a chance to respond before he walked off toward his car and quickly crawled inside.

  Something was up with the entire Lexi thing. Megan was way too protective and now so
was Radley. The problem was figuring out exactly what was the big secret they were all trying so hard to protect.

  Chapter 13

  Lexi

  The big brother I never had. Protective, territorial and strangely comforting. That was the best way, the only way to describe Radley and how he was around me.

  He didn’t bring up the conversation we shared.

  A weird comfort had settled over us and I gained peace from it. Things felt as if for once they might actually be all right.

  My classes and schedule were less overwhelming. I even found myself talking to random students on campus during class or even in passing. I was still very reserved and observant, but less skittish.

  The strangest thing of all was that I’d picked up my guitar again and found creating music was something I missed more than I had allowed myself to believe. Singing along to music on my iPod as I walked to class was something that made me smile, even when heads would turn as I passed them.

  On most nights it was just the three of us, Radley, Megan and me hanging out, watching movies, going for ice cream late at night. I should have felt like the third wheel but they made sure I didn’t.

  Somehow during one of our late night movie-thons I was tricked into agreeing to help out at a fundraiser.

  The fraternity along with a sorority had joined forces to run a carwash and donate all proceeds to a local shelter that helped women and children who had been abused seek a safe haven to start new.

  The cause was what actually made me agree. But I let Radley believe that it was his charm that convinced me; I wasn’t sure his ego could take the truth.

  After all, he had been spending most of his time trapped in a tiny dorm room with Megan and me. When together, sometimes we could be brutal.

  Megan and I were running late and had already been threatened by Rad that if we didn’t move our asses, he would drag us out by our necks. We knew he was bluffing, and instead of hurrying we drug our feet a little more just to irritate him.

  “Shit,” Megan announced from the open doorway of our tiny closet.

  I looked up to find her staring down at the phone she held in her hand.

  “What?” I knew it was most likely him once again throwing out another threat.

  “He’s threatening to share the photos he has on his phone of us with bedhead and the one of you drooling in your sleep.” She looked up and widened her eyes in horror. “He said he also has one that looks like I’m picking my nose and then the one of us that he swears we were spooning in.”

  I laughed.

  “Honestly we need to get moving.” She began moving around the room gathering her things and tossing them into her bag.

  “Tell him I’ll go with him to the print shop.” She stopped mid-rush and turned to face me giving a puzzling stare. “What? We can get them all blown up poster size and cover up this hideous yellowed paint with our beauty.”

  I didn’t give a shit if Radley had a picture of me on his phone drooling or picking my butt. He could share them wherever. But by the look on Megan’s face, a picture floating around campus of her looking like she was digging for gold in her nose was the worst possible scenario.

  So to put her out of her misery I pushed off the bed and began gathering my own things.

  She seemed pleased with my choice and I tried not to laugh when she actually let out a sigh of relief that I had chosen to skip the trip to the local print shop.

  Once we both had our bikinis on and shorts and tanks over them to cover up until we got there, we headed out the door.

  I tried not to let the fact that in just a short while I would be in front of a group of people wearing only my suit. The anxiety I would normally feel in similar situations had become much easier to tame. But it still gave me a little knot in my stomach if I thought about it too much.

  Exiting the building, I looked up toward Radley’s Jeep and skidded to a stop almost immediately.

  The passenger side of the vehicle was facing us, and there with his tattooed arm hanging out the open window was Kole. Each time I saw him I could swear he had another tattoo.

  I heard Megan laughed as she stepped up next to me. “You look like you’ve seen a monster.”

  I glared at her because she obviously knew all about this but chose not to warn me.

  She only stepped around me and winked as she passed. “Come on, love, we have cars to wash.” She hollered as she waved over her shoulder at me, but kept her head facing forward.

  Visions of tackling her as payback swarmed my head and made the irritation in me fade. I had been ambushed, but how bad could it be? Right?

  When I climbed into the Jeep, she was still smiling and playing with the ends of her hair, pulled back in a high ponytail that hung over her right shoulder. I took the opportunity to reach and tug, only making her squeal. “Brat,” I mouthed and she shrugged, leaning forward to kiss Radley. He was willingly waiting to be assaulted.

  Things grew a little uncomfortable as they mauled each other in plain sight.

  I looked away quickly and instantly was face to face with Kole as he looked back at me. “Hey,” he said, trying to ease the awkwardness that settled over us.

  “Hi,” I said and quickly looked away.

  I knew I had to. Kole was easy on the eyes, and it was simple to get lost in deep thought when looking at him. I didn’t want to come across as some awestruck girl so the best option was to look away.

  When the car began to move, I knew it was once again safe to look up. Megan and Radley had moved past the heavy making out and Kole was now looking forward.

  And I was relieved.

  One of my favorite songs came on the radio; I closed my eyes and began tapping my thigh lightly with my fingertips to the beat of the music.

  I loved getting lost in the words of a great song. It was an escape I had been revisiting a lot lately.

  It truly felt good to love it again.

  At some point I began softly singing along and leaned my head back against the headrest.

  When the music ended, I lifted my head and immediately found that not only had Radley adjusted the rear view mirror so he could look at me, but Kole was completely turned around in his seat, staring at me too.

  I looked over at my best friend who only sat there in the seat next to me with a shit-eating grin covering her face.

  “What?” I asked.

  Looking between the three of them, I wondered why they were all watching me.

  “You can sing.” Kole was the first to speak and my stomach dropped instantly. “And you can sing well, too.”

  Apparently I wasn’t singing quietly to myself.

  “Um, yeah.” I was a little embarrassed about the show I put on. From now on I would just imagine the words in my head versus trying to sing lightly.

  “That was…” Kole started to speak again but I cut him off.

  “Let’s all just pretend you heard nothing and move on.” I waved my hand in the air nonchalantly which only made Megan laugh harder.

  So much for the day being uncomfortable.

  I watched as Kole toyed with the piercing in his tongue as he continued to stare back at me. It was hypnotizing, but I realized I was staring so I quickly averted my eyes.

  I begged silently for this moment to be forgotten and within seconds it had been. Well, by almost everyone.

  Radley went back to driving and Megan leaned forward as she softly rubbed Radley’s shoulder while he drove. But Kole kept looking back over his shoulder and smiling at me. And he continued to flip that damn stud in his tongue out, biting it between his teeth.

  I picked up quickly on the fact that he was doing it on purpose. I think he knew it had gained my attention.

  Cocky son of a bitch.

  When we pulled up at the strip mall that allowed us to use the parking lot and the hookups for the carwash, we all piled out of the Jeep.

  Megan wasted no time as she started to take off her shorts and then pull her tank over her head. She had no fea
r. I, on the other hand, would have preferred to remain covered.

  But of course she wasn’t going to allow that.

  “Take it off!” she hollered, immediately gaining a glare. “Seriously, if I’m doing this so are you.”

  Instead of making this into a battle I would eventually give up and cave on anyway, I grabbed the edge of my tank and lifted it over my head. “Fine, but the shorts stay on. That’s where I draw the line.” She rolled her eyes but did it with a smile on her face.

  “And the first guy that asks me to show him where my tattoo ends, I’m nut punching him,” I added as I tossed my tank top into my bag and shut the back door of the Jeep.

  Megan just laughed, but she knew I was serious.

  It was a question that annoyed me because no one actually cared about my tattoo or the meaning behind it. Guys just used it as an excuse to be perverted.

  It was a cherry blossom vine, just like the one that was in my mother’s garden when I was younger, before it all went to hell. She used to love that garden, and she’d spend hours pruning and admiring. It was a time I’d think of often, because back then everything seemed so simple, so perfect.

  It was time when my parents were happy and we were a family.

  The tattoo started very low on my left hipbone, wrapping in both directions around the front and back of my body. The front curled around me further, extending up just under my left breast. But it was the quote intertwined with the vines that had the deepest meaning.

  “Remembering is Painful but Forgetting is Impossible.”

  I stumbled upon the verse one day and it spoke to me because it explained exactly how I felt.

  Megan was the only person who knew why I got it and its exact meaning. Just thinking of it brought back the ache inside me that I spent every day fighting.

  Megan, of course, saw the sadness in me and chose to help me forget. It was one of the biggest reasons I loved her so much. She knew me better than anyone. She knew what I needed and when.