This Modern Love

by Will Darbyshire

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  contents

  introduction

  the process

  beginning

  middle

  end

  gallery

  thanks

  about will darbyshire

  ‘I have so much of you in my heart’

  John Keats

  For all those in love, out of love, and everything in between

  Fragile.

  Olivia

  Pennsylvania, USA

  this modern love

  In the summer of 2014, I experienced a break-up. It was my first. And I was devastated.

  Coping with the demise of my relationship was unlike anything else I’d ever felt before. Someone in my family told me that it was like coping with a death: you grieve in the same way; you’re mourning the loss of a person. I suppose that’s just how I felt: empty and lost, like a piece of me had broken off and crumbled, never to return.

  Being an introvert and prone to bouts of anxiety, rather than telling all the people I knew and loved about my problems, instead I took to the strangers of the internet to express my thoughts and feelings. It was daunting at first, but gradually it started to make me feel better. It soon became soothing and cathartic, something I even enjoyed. Words would pour out of me in blog post after blog post and I began to make short films in an attempt to exhaust my emotions. I was still unhappy, but at least I was moving in the right direction. I was being productive.

  Then something surprising happened, something I had never intended. People started responding, particularly to the YouTube videos I was making. The viewing figures grew and I realised my thoughts were being revealed to hundreds and then thousands of people. It was scary. Overnight I sort of became a faux ‘agony aunt’. I would receive tens of emails every day from people suffering with heartbreak, who like me needed to offload their feelings. I felt myself personally connecting with people I had never met; all of us binding together to absorb, digest and move on from our experiences.

  After a while, the tens of emails became hundreds and my own personal well of knowledge and emotion began to run dry. The cathartic hobby had blossomed into something bigger and much more important than me. I felt there needed to be a better forum for people to express themselves, and so the idea for This Modern Love was born.

  This book, and the project as a whole, is an attempt to provide a safe environment for people to share their thoughts on modern relationships. Over the course of a year, I asked people from all over the world a series of questions and chronicled their responses in the collection of pages that you are about to read. The responses range from letters to pictures to single words, many from far-flung places, often in beautiful languages, always with searing honesty. They highlight the extremes and the humdrum of modern relationships, the large gestures and the tiny nuances that make people tick.

  Love in the modern age is a complex idea. We’re more connected then we’ve ever been, but with that comes its own set of problems. We’re able to maintain relationships over larger distances but we sacrifice our primal need to be physical, to touch, to feel. What seemed impossible a decade ago is quickly becoming the norm, and online behaviour is revolutionising the way we think about love and how we interact with each other.

  But does our online connection really make us closer? Does the distance allow us real happiness or heartbreak? I’d like to think the book answers some of these questions, but it also poses many more. Some of the letters are bitter, some of them are raw. Some of them are thankful, and some of them might make you laugh. But they have all made me think about some of our most fundamental needs and desires. And I hope they will do the same for you.

  15,570

  total responses

  3,099

  in our Gmail inbox

  3,000

  messages in our Tumblr inbox

  58

  ‘physical’ letters by snail mail

  7,924

  words for ‘love’ on Instagram

  1,489

  tweets

  #thismodernlove

  the process

  In order for This Modern Love to work, the project needed to be as easy as possible for people to participate in, whilst also having enough scope to appeal to a wide range of people with different experiences. So I devised a series of online posts. These posts would take the shape of a series of questions. And these questions were designed to provoke a response and get people thinking.

  These were the six questions asked:

  1. What would you say to your ex, without judgement?

  2. Write a thank you note to your partner – describe or share (in a photo) the big and little things that make you happy.

  3. What single word sums up your love life, your partner, or someone you like?

  4. What single image sums up your love life, your partner, or someone you like?

  5. What would you say to a crush? Write a letter to them to express it.

  6. How has technology affected your relationship, either positively or negatively? Describe your experience.

  The six questions were spread out over six months. Each one was posted publicly on my social media pages. For the simpler (or at least, shorter) questions I would use only Twitter or Instagram and the hashtag #thismodernlove. For the more expansive questions, which required a letter, I would make a YouTube video to accompany each post, and then we set up email and Tumblr accounts for people to submit their responses to. We also managed some good old-fashioned postboxes in the UK and US (the number of digital letters was far greater than the physical, but I cherished every handwritten note). It took some experimenting to find the right social platform for the right question. In an attempt to reach an older demographic, I also reached out to a number of organisations that helped provide some context about relationships. (A big shout out to OnePlusOne for all their wonderful help, and for spreading the word on their forums, The Couple Connection and The Parent Connection. Their expertise was invaluable.)

  I have to admit that gathering everything together was a gruelling and sometimes tedious process. There was just so much to go through: thousands upon thousands of emails, Tumblr messages, tweets, Instagram comments and piles of envelopes. It was a blessing and a curse, and after a while a colour-coded spreadsheet became my closest friend (something I thought I would never say). But whenever I was tired or overwhelmed by the project, whether late at night or early in the morning, without fail I would come across a letter that would floor me with a single expression, or a line that perfectly summed up a feeling that I had never been able to articulate before. That made it all worth it.

  Eventually I was able to narrow the submissions down to a shortlist. Then with my lovely editor (hello, Ben) we printed everything and sorted the sea of paper into two very large piles. It was incredibly difficult making the final selection; every letter was deeply personal and powerful in its own way. I agonised over every ‘yes’ and ‘no’. But after hours, days and eventually weeks of deliberating, not to mention the occasional argument, we decided on a final list.

  That final selection is this book, and the letters are structured into three parts. It felt natural doing it this way; after all, every love story has a beginning, a middle and an end. The first section focuses on the pre-relationship stage, the all-consuming ‘crush’ period that many of us will wince at with embarrassment when looking back, but at the time is everyt
hing. The second part focuses on partners in relationships: the personal strength that teamwork can provide; the challenges that collectively can be overcome; the nagging itch of commitment as passion fades. The final part examines, in unflinching detail, and in myriad ways, the break-up phase. Although modern love is impossible to ever completely contain or define, it seemed quite instinctive early on to frame the book with these headings.

  I’m not going to say too much more. I have written short introductions to each section in the book, but as with the book as a whole, I’ve tried to let the letters speak for themselves, and not to pass on any of my own morals or judgements. For this reason, all of the letters included in the book have been printed as they were submitted – no edits or corrections of grammar or punctuation. I think they are raw and authentic this way, and in many cases the occasional idiosyncratic use of language reveals far more about the writer and the subject than if it had been ‘corrected’.

  Scattered throughout the book are some photographs that I have taken, which I hope may reflect some of the themes or images in the letters. Any photograph that has a name underneath it was submitted as part of the project. You will also notice lists of red words on some pages. No, these are not my attempts at avant-garde poetry, as lovely as these combinations are. These were actually the words submitted for the question, ‘What single word sums up your love life, your partner, or someone you like?’

  Whatever way you look at it, love is important. It might just be the most single important thing that we as humans can offer or receive. So, reader, I hope this book finds you in a good place; and, if it doesn’t, I hope you find some solace reading about others’ experiences. If the book is half as enjoyable and liberating for you as it was for me putting it together, it will have succeeded.

  Finally, a massive thank you to every single person who contributed to This Modern Love: the talented writers, photographers and lovers. Thank you all for allowing me to read through your wonderful thoughts. At times I felt uncomfortable reading such personal stories; thank you for trusting me. Your letters are this book and you are the authors. I hope that seeing your words in print (or as an ebook) can provide you with a physical memory of your experiences, or a new perspective that you can take hold of. Even if your letter wasn’t chosen, I can’t thank you enough for sharing and making this what it is. It’s an honour. Seriously.

  Will

  23, UK

  beginning

  Waiting.

  Alice

  Glasgow, UK

  beginning

  Do you like me? Yes or no?

  These are the questions you’ll unfortunately have to ask someone at some point.

  No matter what age you are, or what interests or background you have, these fundamentals decide everything. Do you like me? Would you like to be romantically involved with me? Are you sure?

  Inevitably, with time and experience our personalities change. Due to the lives we lead we sometimes become less open to putting ourselves ‘out there’; less willing to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. But that feeling of rejection or success rarely changes. It always transcends.

  confounding

  tantalising

  elusive

  unattainable

  tumultuous

  unreachable

  untimely

  breathtaking

  catastrophic

  chaotic

  forbidden

  star-crossed

  Nobody likes feeling heartbroken and I suppose that’s why crushes are so damn terrifying. We walk around longing to have an interaction with our chosen special person, pining for any opportunity we can get to ‘charm’ them. In my case, that usually goes badly. I try my best, but the results are mixed, to be generous – I’m definitely below average on the charisma scale.

  Once we’ve tried our luck at ‘charming’, it’s up to the other person to decide whether or not we might suit them. We put ourselves through all of that just to find out a single answer, and I think that alone speaks volumes. If we as humans are willingly opening ourselves up for rejection, it must be for something important.

  And a crush is important. It’s the beginning of a relationship. It lays the foundations for everything to come. And despite being daunting, frankly terrifying territory, it’s surprisingly a time we look back on fondly.

  Although the practicalities of having an infatuation are scary, we often couldn’t feel happier when we are in its grips. During this period we’re in a drunken-like haze of stares and grins. We feel euphoric. People even tell us we look better. After all, how often do we feel like this?

  In this book I explore the good as well as the not-so-good times in relationships.

  Love is a mixed bag of emotions and the initial forays of any relationship illustrate this. The following letters show the extraordinary range of written testimonies that we received about love’s first bloom. There were so many powerful and moving submissions that sadly could not be included, but many of these chosen letters do represent similar sentiments that were shared by others.

  The funny thing about reading the letters together was that they all evoked similar emotions. That giddy feeling when you first meet someone on your wavelength is persistent throughout your life and doesn’t wear away over time. You could be 45 or 85 and still experience it like you did when you were 15. When reading these letters I felt myself transported to my younger self. Being in the throes of passion is something we’ve all been through and it’s something we all remember.

  Dearest love,

  You’re like a laughing piano.

  You make me swim and drown, I can’t bear your beautiful presence in my mind yet I never want you to leave, you are my Sunday best and my blue Monday.

  You are my biggest contradiction and you make me see for miles.

  All my love,

  Aisling

  Dublin

  Dear —— ,

  It’s strange to be writing you a letter because in my head I’d go straight up to you and tell you exactly how I feel, and you’d wear a smile the size of London Bridge and tell me you feel exactly the same.

  However, that’s all in my head. When I see you the only reason why you’ll take a look is because you’re probably thinking why’s his face so red?

  That’s what happens when I see you. You can call it embarrassment, I call it annoying but I guess that’s my mind and heart saying I have grown feelings for you and I’m happy I have. Really I am. I hope one day you will too.

  Speak to you soon (or just notice the effervescent blush).

  -S-R-

  Dear Josh

  Although we are good friends, I don’t know how to tell you that I have had the biggest crush on you since the first day I saw you in my English class.

  I mean, how do I tell you that I like you when I haven’t even told anyone that I’m gay.

  We talk so much and you probably think of it as a normal conversation but to me... It’s more. It’s an escape from the reality. The reality of a guy who lays in bed wishing that he was in an alternate universe, one in which both him and you would fall in love with each other.

  I guess that’s just wishful thinking. I can accept that we will only be friends but I just wanted you to know that you’re beautiful and I love you.

  Anonymous

  Dear —— ,

  You are like that one piece of artwork in an art gallery that people spend a little longer admiring.

  Rosa

  UK

  Dear —— ,

  I saw you the other day in the crowded dorm elevator. Many people were pressed together but the only person I noticed was you. I’d never seen you around before and you immediately caught my eye. At the sight of you, a daydream started to play in my head as the elevator made its way to my stop on the eighth floor.

  Something about you made me yearn to get to know you. I still do. Even though I knew it was a long shot, I found myself disappointed when you didn’t get off on my floor.

  I
still replay the glances I stole of you in my head and I kick myself for being so shy. I hope to run into you again someday.

  Alli

  Montana, USA

  Dear Mr. Future Crush,

  Right now you are frustratingly just a figment of my imagination, something I daydream about in times of loneliness or boredom.

  Before going to sleep I idly wonder what you’re going to be like, however that’s like trying to imagine a new colour.

  So instead you take the form of a happy song, the smell of a cologne, the hero in a novel.

  You’re a collage of all my happy moments and a sense of comfort during the sad ones.

  It’s silly I know – even though we’ve never met I can’t help but feel a strange sense of longing and hope.

  All I know is that whoever you are, you’re going to be amazing.

  (Perhaps one day) yours,

  Mivi

  Wales

  P.S. You better like pizza.

  Dear —— ,

  When you’d run a sleepy hand through your tangled hair, my heart would crumble to sugar. I would’ve told you too, but every time I tried my throat closed up all tight. I had to turn away.

  Happy Valentine’s Day

  x

  Sari

  forelsket

  a Norwegian word for the euphoria you experience when you are first falling in love

  Delilah

  USA

  Dear crush,