This Modern Love

by Will Darbyshire

I remember the first time I got to Skype you.

  The way I felt when we laid (what felt like next to each other) in silence. Blissful silence that can only be described as extraordinary. My heart jumped and butterflies flew into my chest. My lips permanently wore a smile. Even when you weren’t looking at me or you were distracted with other things, I still felt incredible.

  I watched your facial expressions and examined your features. Your beautiful face made me grin uncontrollably, giggle like a child and blush scarlet red. When you told me I was perfect I swear my heart literally skipped a beat. I was unable to reply. Breath taken. Speechless.

  Out of my sixteen years of living this is one of my fondest memories. You made me feel loved and wanted, and for once I didn’t care about my appearance.

  I only cared about you.

  Love,

  Isobel

  England

  Dear Conner,

  I love a lot of things.

  I love seeing old ladies’ faces when you buy something off them in a charity shop, I love the smell of burnt out candles, I love Kendrick Lamar, and I love the short prickly noise between songs on a record.

  I love a lot of things in this world, and I would love for another person to enjoy all these things with me.

  Basically what I am saying is that I like you, so please come enjoy Kendrick Lamar with me, thanks.

  Abbie

  Scotland

  D,

  You amaze me.

  You irk me.

  You frustrate me.

  You make me laugh.

  I don’t want to idolize you.

  I am content with being your friend.

  I’m proud of you,

  who you have become and are becoming.

  I’ll be rooting for you.

  M

  Los Angeles, USA

  Dear Jack,

  Hello. I’m probably one of the only flutists that would admit they would date a brass player. Hell, I would scream it from the roof of the school if you shared the same feelings. Your actions and lack of words have made it very clear that you don’t feel the same way as I.

  I just wanted you to know that I don’t care that you’re very attractive, popular, and work out a lot (although it doesn’t hurt). You’re much more than that. I’m interested in the fact that you are extremely intelligent, funny, share my religion, and you have an amazing taste in classical music. You show an insane amount of care for your family, our school, and our community.

  I just thought you should know that there are people out there that pay attention to your lovely character, and not just your ‘cool’ hair.

  Hugs and smiles,

  Jordan

  Ohio, USA

  Hi Matt

  I like you but I don’t want to ruin our friendship.

  I’m the one that sent you the rose that you left in class.

  Yasmin

  Cheltenham

  To my crush,

  You’re the reason for the soft smile upon my face, the reason for my rosy cheeks and racing heart.

  Thank you, just for being you.

  Hannah

  Connecticut, USA

  Dear Drake,

  When we both sat in a three hour lecture and I instantly knew you were quoting Coldplay.

  I called you out on it, your cheeks turned red, and we threw our heads back laughing.

  And in that moment, the crinkles by your eyes and the curve of your smile,

  I fell a little harder for you.

  Your little one,

  Em

  (Emily)

  USA

  Dear Jon,

  I know we have been married for almost 5 years but I think it’s important that I remind you that you are still my crush. Still the boy I swoon over, who gives me butterflies and makes me giggle.

  I love everything about you, but I fell in love with your heart first. Your giving spirit and your generosity. Your ability to make people smile and laugh. Your willingness to love and trust.

  We have been through so much together; ups and down, good and bad, and after it all you still wake up every day with the desire to make me happy. You have never been much of a talker, and that’s alright, because you don’t show love with only your words. You show love every time you make me laugh. Every time you look across the room and catch my eye. And every time you hold my hand and kiss my forehead. I am beyond blessed to have you as my crush, my husband, my best friend.

  I just want to thank you for changing my life. Showing me that even though two people have been together for a long time the excitement doesn’t have to diminish. The love doesn’t have to fade. Thank you for loving me, needing me, and wanting me. Here is to 60 more years. I love you.

  Love,

  Darlene

  Ohio, USA

  Dear Crush,

  I’m Audrey, that girl you’ve known your whole life, that family friend’s daughter that you’ve seen many times before, and the girl who you shared your many child secrets with.

  I just wanted to say that I have a crush on you. Wow, that sounds so informal.

  Yes, you are the crushee and I am the crusher, but do not be intimidated; do not be fooled; I am not in love with you.

  You are that charismatic boy that has simultaneously won the genetic lottery and has managed to be experiencing a happy life, that boy that miraculously has happily married parents.

  My whole life, I’ve admired you by the way you look and act; you live to make someone smile. You don’t pass a day without happiness.

  I remember the day when we were young and were best friends, before any feelings started infiltrating our hearts.

  As the days passed though, and we grew, my feelings for you grew too.

  I saw you change from this boy to a young man who still lives for a smile, grin or laugh. I saw the love that you give and need to become the great person of your future story. Your life. How am I not supposed to fall for that?

  Today you live your days in a different environment from mine, a different country. You live your days and live your emotions without my knowledge; which I cannot bear.

  For 6 years now we’ve been apart, we’ve grown that boundary that teenagers grow when they realize that they are too cool for anyone to be in their realm of existence.

  For 6 years, I have been thinking about you; analyzing our interactions that are so precious, so rare. And I’ve been a coward.

  For 6 years I’ve noticed that you noticed me too, you thought about me too, but I can’t bring myself to do anything about it. I regret so many opportunities that I’ve passed up because when I see you, I freeze; my head freezes and my heart freezes. I hate that.

  I am a person, who embraces her awkwardness and freckles. I am trying to find who I am, but how am I supposed to do that when I’m thinking about you?

  You have no idea how I feel about you, and you don’t think about me, but I know how I feel about you, and I can ensure you that it isn’t love.

  I don’t know what love is, I’ve never experienced it, considering I am only 15.

  I could say that I love you, but that would be a lie. Because I can’t love.

  I can’t love someone who is growing away from me. I can’t love someone who is oblivious of my feelings. I can’t love someone that I see twice a year; although we live 10 minutes away from each other.

  I can say that I love you if and when we will be together. If I find courage and you find courage and we are together, I will finally be able to say that I am in love with you. When I can say that you are mine, and that our frail hearts are both exposed to a world of potential hurt, I will admit that you are my first great love.

  For now, I am substituting our potential love with a crush. I have a crush on you, and I can live with that.

  I have found someone who I like, but don’t love, to discover myself. Who knows? Maybe one day I will love him and I could say that he was my first great love.

  Even when I say this, I know that you will be my first love.
/>   So I will end with this; I have a crush on you, and if you want to do anything about that you know where to find me. I’ll be waiting.

  Tu sais qui tu es.

  Love,

  Audrey

  Hey,

  You probably don’t realise this, but I quite like you.

  You helped me fight my battles even though you were going through battles of your own.

  You present yourself to the world as someone who doesn’t care for much, but I can see you. You have a beautiful soul, that I would look after with all I have would you let me.

  I’ll always be here for your midnight calls and any other time you need me,

  Amy

  Switzerland

  absent

  unaware

  longing

  taciturn

  timid

  unobtainable

  bittersweet

  waiting

  incipient

  under construction

  anticipation

  lingering

  sassy

  tenacious

  stuck

  inseparable

  taken

  engaged

  dear aaron,

  i don’t even know you but i think you’re really cute. we’ve never spoken, but i’d rather like to at some point!

  i’m not entirely sure if you’ve even noticed me, but i quite like seeing you sitting across the canteen every day.

  we’ve made eye contact a few times! i don’t know if that means anything though.

  a couple days i plucked up the courage to add you on facebook, and you accepted! cheers for that!

  the thing is though, i’ll probably never end up getting to know you at all. so this is my letter to you, the confession you’ll never read.

  keep doing your hair the way you do!

  lots of kinda-like,

  jane

  Dear Oscar,

  I’m not sure of the kind of crush I have on you. I find you incredibly sexy, but I don’t want to have sex with you. Your gait. Your beard. The intelligence behind your eyes. The private conversations we have on Messenger when we’re at little parties together.

  I don’t want to be with you – in fact I can’t be with you because of that girlfriend you’ve had for four years… but I want to spend time with you. You had me and my friends believing you wanted more with me – as French men do, but the coldness of your shoulder made me feel silly. You come from the cold and dark of poetry, and I come from the warmth and sun of life.

  But you’re someone I want to know. And I will, I’m determined to. I dream of having a coffee together in that corner of Paris where Hemingway and de Beauvoir frequented. I want to sip on coffee and have those conversations you and I long to have with each other – to be the modern day intellectuals we think we are.

  You leave for Paris soon, and I hope to see you there.

  H

  American in France

  Dear Faded Nostalgia,

  We never made it, we tried but you decided it was time to stop kidding ourselves, were the one to speak the truth. Yet here I am once again listening to the music that is so distinctly you and thinking about all the things that painfully remind me that I could never actually hate you. Once again you’ve become the faded memory of the boy that I’ll probably never meet again, that I’ll never truly know and that’s okay. I’ll know who is calling if the number is blocked.

  Sleepless Dreamer

  Ireland

  Dear You,

  I done a lot of screaming

  this weekend. Catching my

  breath.

  You find a way to do that

  to me even if you’re not

  here.

  I went out running trying

  to shake that feeling.

  Confused.

  Why does the universe bring

  people together and then tear them

  apart?

  Our lives don’t collide really.

  We come from different places.

  Unusual.

  We met out in nowhere,

  I had this feeling someone

  sent you.

  Everything in this universe

  has a chance to clash.

  Everything.

  From electrons to galaxies.

  Anyway I’m glad I bumped

  into you.

  Cuz all those little bumps

  we get helps us stay

  intact.

  Molly

  Sweden

  Dear Crush

  I hardly know you. You’re a friend of a friend.

  We’ve only spoken a few times, normally about me and my friend’s weirdness, but in those brief conversations I feel something strange and alien to me. It feels like the butterfly catchers’ butterflies have escaped in my stomach, the fish’s bubbles from Finding Nemo just erupted from my chest and there are ballerinas dancing on my heart. But every time I fall into the pools of blue, which are in the middle of your sclera, I start internally crying. For I know you don’t feel the same way, I know I am not on your mind every living second and I know you hardly see me as a friend. I’m a friend of a friend. You hardly know me. But I am crushed by this crush.

  In conclusion I have two things to say.

  I really, really like you and damn you, hormones.

  Bella

  Wiltshire, UK

  I know the question was, what would you say to your crush... but because I’m ballsy these have already been sent. Here are two letters that I wrote to crushes in 2015. The first letter I wrote to one of my good friends “jokingly” but not really... lol. The other one I wrote to someone who I was in a gap year program with. I knew that I would never see him again after the program ended, so I gave him a letter with a flower inside of it at the end... because I’m embarrassing as fuck. ughhhh...

  [1]

  C-Dawg,

  This is hard for me to write

  Because we’re so damn tight

  And this might sound conceited

  But I’ll say it anyway cuz our love be so undefeated

  I rarely meet humans in this world

  Who are just as smart and funny as your girl (<--me)

  But you are an exception

  Cuz at our friendship’s conception

  I realized you were poppin’

  And that no matter what you did

  You would always be at the top toppin’

  You’re awesome, my friend

  Keep doing you, this ain’t the end

  You will always be someone I cherish, Farris. ( --you)

  Saying goodbye is cruddy

  But I will always be here for you…

  Much love,

  Your Netflix Buddy

  [2]

  Jon,

  I’m not exaggerating when I say I’ve never had a conversation like the one I had with you in my room. I don’t even know if you remember, but I will be eternally grateful. You made me feel safe and important, like my words and feelings mattered, and you didn’t push any unwanted advice on me but still managed to try to understand and help. It was extremely selfless and kind of you. Thank you. A quote from the movie Before Sunrise (I know I keep mentioning it, sorry, but watch it please) is:

  “I believe if there’s any kind of God it wouldn’t be in any of us, not you or me but just this little space in between. If there’s any kind of magic in this world it must be in the attempt of understanding someone sharing something. I know, it’s almost impossible to succeed but who cares really? The answer must be in the attempt.”

  I regret that I didn’t make the effort to have more conversations with you like that, but I just didn’t want to annoy you. I want to formally apologize for annoying you so much, but I was just so eager to get some of your insight on the world I’m so confused with.

  I’m going to be honest when I say I might not remember you in the future. For me, memories fade rather quickly. One of the reasons why I’m writing this letter is in hopes that I will reme
mber your existence because of it. Have an amazing and happy life-full of wonder, adventure, and creativity. I hope you remember me.

  Jessica

  Los Angeles, USA

  P.S. here’s another flower

  Capital C Colon emoji,

  Who knew I would have become friends with the cute elevator guy. I first saw you in that elevator. You had no idea who I was, and vice versa. That thing happened quite a few times, until our first term ended and I no longer had classes in that building. One fateful day, I saw you waiting for your queue from the organization we were applying for. My heart was literally running for its life. We were assigned the same room AND the same group.

  It was destiny. We introduced ourselves, and after that event, we became good friends. The next event commenced, and we hung out half of the afternoon. You have no idea how much that day means to me.

  You have my heart running for its life the way yours does in those triathlons you talk about.

  I just wish it meant the same to you.

  Love,

  Peach Iced Tea

  My Love,

  Falling for you was the strangest thing that has ever happened to me. I can’t say I expected it and I definitely never thought it would happen the way it did.

  Before you, love and everything that came with it didn’t seem all that real to me. In fact I always felt like something was wrong with me because I had never had a crush in high school and my first year at university provided only flings and careless nights.

  However something changed when I got to know you, I suddenly realised what people were talking about. I liked you more than I thought I could ever like someone and I wanted to spend every waking moment with you.

  I finally understood why all my friends had wanted to lose their virginities to someone special and I wished I could have gone back in time to experience that with you instead.

  The intimacy of sex became clear when I experienced it with you, I felt closer to you than I thought was possible and each time was equally as special as the last.