Rules of the Road

by K. Aten

  KELSEY’S FRIDAY WASN’T going much better than Jamie’s. The second patient of the day was a regular named Joe. Joe was seventy-nine years old and a terror to every female in the office. She was certain that his picture would be in the dictionary in the dirty old man section. It was a small office with a handful of techs and just the two assistants. June suggested they play rock-paper-scissors to see who had to be the one to help the doctor. Kelsey lost. He started his shenanigans as soon as she entered the exam room. “Hiya toots!” Kelsey was pretty sure she felt an arthritic hand brush her thigh as she walked by, but when she turned around he was grinning at her innocently with hands on the arms of the chair.

  Kelsey turned away from him and counted to ten under her breath just to stay in her happy place. When she turned back her professional smile was firmly in place. “Good morning, Mr. Sacks. How have you been? Anything new to report?”

  “Well honey, my plate’s been giving me some trouble lately.”

  She looked back at him curiously. “Oh? I’m sorry to hear that. Trouble how?”

  He pointed to the top right side, near the place his incisor would be if he still had actual teeth on top. “I got me a sore spot right here where it’s been rubbin’. I can’t have me a sore spot, little lady. What if the misses wants to serve me up some lunch all down-home style?” He jogged her arm with a bony elbow and gave an exaggerated wink. “If you know what I mean!”

  She stepped back slightly and gave him a slow blink, trying to deny what her ears had just heard. Without a word to him she quickly donned a pair of gloves and held her hand out. “If you could just give me your upper, I’ll go see if I can find the rough spot that’s causing your problem. He cackled and spat the top denture into her hand. She walked away and tried to ignore the wandering fingers. There wasn’t a lot she could do to the plate without actually looking into his mouth to see where the problem was, but she wasn’t going to tell him that.

  She was only gone fifteen minutes when Sheila, one of the techs, came to find her in the lab room. “Um, Kelsey?”

  Kelsey looked up from the plate where she was chipping off something that looked a whole lot like super glue buildup. “Yes?”

  The young woman looked nervous and in turn it made Kelsey nervous. “It’s about your patient, Mr. Sacks.”

  The dental assistant sighed partly in resignation and partly with hope. “Is he dead?”

  Sheila did a double take, shaken by Kelsey’s morbid comment. “Um, no. He’s asleep.”

  “And?”

  The younger woman suddenly looked flustered and the explanation came out in a rush. “He fell asleep in his chair and his zipper is open, and he’s also saying lewd things in his sleep that every patient can hear as they walk by his room!” Face red with mortification, Sheila ran back out of the room while Kelsey tried to make sense of the tech’s rapid word vomit.

  Before she could leave to see and hear the problem for herself, June poked her head into the room. With an evil grin, she pointed at Kelsey. “Your patient’s a perv and his fly is down. He’s scaring the other patients coming into the clinic.” She paused for a second. “You should probably go wake him and ask what’s up.” Then she laughed as she popped her head back out and closed the door.

  Kelsey growled. “Seriously?” She gave the freshly cleaned plate one last rinse then left the room to go wake up the old menace.

  She was still in a cranky mood hours later when she got into her car and headed for the highway. She merged into traffic then turned on her radio and opened her driving app. Less than a minute later the chime sounded. A huge smile took up residence on her face when she heard Jamie’s voice.

  “Don’t get on the highway, it’s a trap!”

  The image of a fish-faced admiral popped into the dental assistant’s head as Jamie wetly slurred the last three words, quoting an infamous sci-fi epic. “Jesus Jenny, but you are such a nerd!”

  “You must have a little nerd in you too or you wouldn’t have recognized that quote.”

  Jamie laughed and responded, happy for the first time all week. “You’re crazy!”

  “I think you like crazy.”

  Kelsey didn’t dignify the other woman’s response by feeding her ego. She changed the subject instead. “Where have you been all week?”

  Jamie ran a hand through her hair and switched back to the center lane as she approached a busy exit. Always the center lane, unless you were near a not so busy exit, or you’re already past the on ramp. Because, rules. She tried to always follow the rules. Once she had safely maneuvered Olivia into the optimal lane, she down-swiped the rainbow car that she had saved as a favorite. Two could play at Kelsey’s game. “Why do you want to know, did you miss me?

  “You wish!”

  There was a part of the nerd in the pretty blue car that did wish. She wasn’t sure why Kelsey had piqued her interest but the feisty woman with the dimple definitely had. What was weird was that she didn’t even know anything about Kelsey. Maybe it was time to change that. “Hey, do you work in a doctor’s office?”

  “Kinda. I’m a dental assistant, why? And what about you?”

  “Ah, just wondered because you were wearing some kind of scrubs when I met you. And I’m an engineer for Electro-corp.” The smug voice that sounded through her Bluetooth enabled speaker system made her laugh out loud.

  “When you met me? You mean the day I out-butched you and changed your tire?”

  Cars started to slow across all lanes and Jamie cursed as the traffic jam indicator popped up. “Traffic slow down ahead”

  Nigel’s pissy voice made her flick the screen of her phone a few times, then flip it off. “Fuck off, Nigel!” Her finger must have accidentally swiped on Kelsey’s car because she responded immediately.

  “Still having problems with your Brit?”

  Jamie smirked, starting to get a real feel for Kelsey’s personality and humor after chatting with her for more than a month. “Is your navigator still set to the German voice?”

  “Fuck off, Nigel!”

  “Such language! And why are you talking to my nav app like that? Also, do you kiss your mother with that mouth?”

  “I kiss whomever I like with this mouth! Not that you’ll ever find out, nerd!”

  Jamie laughed and replied. “Ahh, that’s the meanness I’ve come to know and love!”

  Kelsey blushed at the playfulness in Jamie’s voice. She had really come to enjoy the other woman’s voice on her daily commutes and missed her when she was not on. She cursed as traffic slowed to a stop.

  “Verkehr verlangsamen voraus.”

  With a great sigh, she realized that in the grand scheme of things it really didn’t matter how long it took her to get home because she had no plans. It was a Friday night, she was a single Irish-Latina with “a dimple to die for” according to Tam, and she was probably going to spend the evening knitting with her cats again. She switched into the left lane since it was moving faster. “So where were you all week?”

  “Work has been crazy busy. I had to go in an hour early and stay an hour late every day since Monday. Luckily I wrapped things up so I could get out at my normal time today.”

  Kelsey swore as she went under an overpass and traffic in her lane slowed to a complete stop. It was with no small amount of irritation that she took in the traffic rocketing by her in the center lane and the traffic merging with little resistance on the far right. “What the shit is this? This is supposed to be the fast lane!” The stream of ranting profanity continued until traffic in her lane started moving again, five minutes later. She was startled by her app chime.

  “Uh, you still there?”

  “Shit, sorry! I got stuck in the left lane near exit 32, for five freaking minutes!”

  Jamie shook her head at her driving friend’s mistake. “You totally broke one of the sacred rules of the road!”

  Kelsey’s voice sounded incredulous as it came back via the app. “The what?”

  The engineer glanced at th
e phone in disbelief. “The rules of the road, you know, tips for commuting every day. Always stay in the center lane when approaching a busy on-ramp, even if the other lanes look faster. Exceptions, if there are no exits around, or not much traffic. You can get into the left lane only after you pass the busy exit, but not if traffic is heavy and you need to exit soon.”

  “Um, you’ve given this a lot of thought. Are there a lot more rules in your book, nerd?”

  Jamie thought for a second then answered as if she were reading from a book. “Hmm, let’s see, never drive next to a phone watcher, don’t get on any highway that is at a standstill, leave a gap in front of you for stopping space, drive defensively—” She didn’t get to say more because the time ran out on her message pop up. Jamie still had a head full of rules but she didn’t bother sending any more. That was perhaps too big of a peek into her strange and quirky skull. Nearly two minutes went by before Kelsey responded again.

  “Wow, that’s a lot of rules to follow. Do you have such rules for all parts of your life and do you ever break any? Come on, you can tell me!”

  It was a lot of rules to follow but Jamie had her rules for a reason. Things were simpler with rules and people were less likely to get hurt. Rules were clean, rules were convenient. Finally, she responded. “Yes, I have them for everything. And I try not to break them because it never turns out well.”

  Kelsey listened as the other woman’s message came back to her and her eyes widened slightly. “Whoa, obstacle alert, Nigel! Issues across all lanes!” While they were said aloud with astonishment, in no way was she going to send her thoughts back to Jamie. Not that she was any more level-headed since she apparently was talking to Jamie’s nav app like it was her own. Clearly the other woman had been hurt, or something, to cause such a pained response. And for whatever reason, Kelsey didn’t like that at all.

  One thing she was known for among her closest friends was the fact that she had a protective streak a mile wide. She was a fighter when it came to the people she loved. She took care of people, she looked out for them, and it was something she had always done. It had also caused its fair share of problems for her too. Perhaps the trait came from her father, Manny Ramirez. He was about as blue-collar as a man could get. He spent his whole life working as a mechanic and fighting prejudice on every level, even from his own friends and family. While he was born in the United States, his Irish wife was not. Other than both families being rampant Catholics, there was zero overlap between the two cultures. Yet Kelsey’s parents made it work somehow and they were even more in love at sixty than they were at nineteen. It was disgusting really. But her dad always told her that if she wanted something, she had to work for it. If she believed in something, she had to fight for it. And a person should always watch out for the little guy. Deciding not to poke the sleeping bear of Jamie’s issues, Kelsey opted for a subject change. “So I’m guessing you must be exhausted after your schedule all week. Going to catch up on your sleep tonight?”

  A snort came across the line in response. “As if! Trouble doesn’t find itself you know! And you? Knitting with the kitties again?”

  Kelsey flipped off the phone before swiping on the screen. “You’re such an ass! And I might be knitting but there is nothing wrong with that. Everyone needs a hobby. You should try it sometime, hobbies make a person well-rounded.”

  “Are you knitting your kittens some mittens?” Kelsey listened as Jamie cracked up at her own joke. “And I have a hobby, I happen to enjoy eating out. Fine dining is all the rage now you know.”

  Kelsey’s mouth dropped open at such a blatant sexual innuendo. “Seriously? Did you really just say that? You are such a pig, Jamie, uh, what is your last name anyway?”

  The little blue turbo was speeding along prettily as Jamie neared the exit for her condo. “You want my last name, huh? So you are stalking me! But fine, it’s Schultz. So you can find all my social networking accounts later tonight and stalk to your heart’s content.”

  “Ass! And my last name is Ramirez, so now you can do the same.”

  Jamie chuckled to herself and followed the off ramp. “So have you given any more thought about having dinner with me?”

  The dental assistant’s smug voice came back to her. “Nope. Not in the least.”

  “You wound me, Kels!”

  Kelsey’s response was almost immediate. “Aww, that’s what my friends call me. Aren’t you sweet! But I’m afraid you’re going to have to stay wounded because I’m not going to kiss it better for you. Nice try, nerd!”

  Jamie laughed and pulled into her parking garage. “You can’t blame a girl for trying. I’m home now, rainbow. I’ll talk to you later. And try not to cause a disturbance with those cats this weekend, the cops might show up and mistake your knitting needles for weapons then you’ll be all over the news.” Before Kelsey could respond Jamie messaged again. “On second thought, get crazy cuz I want to read about that shit in the paper!”

  “You’re insane! And no one reads the paper anymore. Talk to you later, Jamie, and have a great weekend.”

  AS SOON AS Jamie walked into her condo she put away her lunch container and went to change into workout clothes. The building had a gym and she wanted to get some exercise in before starting her evening proper. Burke wasn’t coming up, but her sister was coming into town to stay the next night. So her Friday was completely free. Despite what she told Kelsey, she really was exhausted from her hellish week at work, but she was also full of twitchy energy. She wanted to work it off with someone. Before heading downstairs to the gym, she shot a quick text to one of her friends. She hadn’t seen Chloe in a while but they had always been good together for a casual night of fun. Her phone buzzed less than a minute later.

  whats up james?

  Jamie typed a quick reply then went to fill her water bottle.

  You busy tonight? Want to come over?

  The response from Chloe was swift.

  No. Not available like that anymore.

  Eyebrows rose in surprise. She never took Chloe for the dating type.

  Ah, seeing someone then? Congrats!

  Her phone buzzed again. She read the text twice as a sick feeling came over her.

  Not seeing anyone, just cant see you. Sry but I knew your rules and still fell. I know you don’t feel the same way so I need some time. Need to take a break and maybe we can be just friends after.

  She typed back a response but her head was spinning from Chloe’s words.

  Okay. And I’m really sorry, Chloe. For what it’s worth I think you’re really great. I just can’t date anyone.

  Jamie was a pretty happy-go-lucky soul. She believed in working hard and playing hard. But no matter what outside persona she showed everyone but a select few, Jamie was sensitive. She didn’t like hurting people. She knew that she walked a fine line between getting her needs met, and not stepping on other people’s hearts.

  That was the reason for her rules. No matter how awkward it seemed in the middle of the conversation, she hammered home her convictions. That was the reason she always warned about the fact that she would never want to date before she so much as kissed someone that she was pursuing. Because if everyone had fair warning, it wasn’t her fault if they got hurt.

  But over the past six months she had been getting more and more responses like Chloe’s. She had a pattern and that was meet someone she was attracted to, express interest in a causal relationship, and when the other woman became too attached she cooled things off to friendship. And while it took a little time on occasion, everyone was eventually good with just being friends. Jamie shook the negative thoughts from her head and grabbed her water bottle and key card. She warned them and it wasn’t her fault if they got hurt. She was still muttering under her breath as the door to her condo clicked shut behind her. “It’s not my fault.”

  Later that evening she found herself sharing a booth at “The Rocks” with Jenn. Malcom had begged to stay with his grandma that night which gave Jenn a rare free Fri
day. Jamie had been quieter than normal since they arrived and both women were sipping Mort’s infamous chocolate covered cherry martinis. Mort and Walt owned the place and had been together for forty years. The bar had been open for thirty of those years and was a fixture in the LGBTQ community. “So what’s got your panties in a twist?”

  Jamie snorted. “I’m wearing boxers tonight, if you must know!”

  Jenn waved off the taller woman’s words. “It’s so cute the way you pretend to be butch! And you didn’t answer my question.”

  The blonde shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know. Just in a funk, I guess.” “Hello Dolly” started playing over the juke box. It seemed to be a crowd favorite. She looked up at her friend with a hint of humor finally reaching her eyes. “Would you prefer if I started singing?” Jenn’s immediate reaction was to hold a hand up in front of Jamie’s face.

  “Girl, just no.” The beautiful woman shook her head and her hair bounced with the motion. The trademark wrap was gone for once. “Please, it’s bad enough nobody has heard of the stuff you listen to but your voice is enough to scour pans!”

  “I’m not that bad!”

  “You are as bad as my grandmama’s mountain oysters!”

  Jamie pulled a face. “No way did your grandma make that. Did she?”

  Jenn nodded. “Clearly effed me up for life cuz I’m a vegan now, aren’t I?” The black woman leaned back to avoid Jamie’s manicured finger.

  “You’re just weird.”

  Jenn pushed the blonde’s finger away from her face. “Takes one to know one!”

  Jamie held up both hands in protest. “Hey, you don’t see me putting balls in my mouth!”

  “Anymore.” Jenn added the last bit slyly.

  Jamie pointed at her again, deftly avoiding the swat-away. “Takes one to know one!”